I just wanna say seriously… 222… lmao… fck my life. I don’t suppose you’re available for trades anytime soon are ya?
I certainly am, hop right on into my DMs! It’s night time here though so I probably won’t be able to do a reading for… like… 20 hours, if you can wait
@Veil and @Keteriya trading readings, I wish I was a fly on the wall for that convo, you both give excellent readings!
Rhythm of War
A few nights ago I tried the Tūmatauenga pathworking again.
Quoting (with amendments and added notes):
I asked @ReyCuervo to test it for me as well, and he had a similar experience:
So, both Rey and I had the experience of general hostility or disapproval towards “outsiders”. Which makes me think that maybe a better interpretation of “not of the earth” is “not of the land”. I interpret this to mean that any pathworking for spiritual development with Tūmatauenga is off-limits to anyone not of Māori heritage (or maybe anyone not of general Polynesian descent, but I can’t say for certain).
So, based on these encounters, I am choosing not to publish the pathworking to him, at least for now. However I do still feel drawn to petition him for baneful work, and I sense this would be acceptable. Also, if anyone reading this is of Māori or Polynesian descent, feel free to PM me and I would be happy to share it with you.
An interesting note on my “shield”. I have never really put concerted effort into its creation or development, how it should look or act; I’ve just boldly gone about my business knowing that I am shielded. It was diamond-hard, shading through completely transparent to pearlescent white, and in the shape of a many-sided prism, like an icosahedron. So… honestly, I think I have Metatron to thank for that. He was the first one to show up when I felt a bit of apprehension talking to Tūmatauenga’s army.
And… now I’m reading back from my offline journal from around July last year. Some of that entry I recorded here, online. About falling asleep in Metatron’s hand. Didn’t include in that post the simple conversation we had just prior:
“You’ll protect me?”
“You’ll love me?” *
“You’ll guide me?”
*(NB: In the spirit of a child asking a parent.)
Thursday, February 25th
The Beginning is The End is The Beginning
Literally the day after posting this, it kind of… not fell apart, but I was forced to reveal it to someone after they asked me about it directly. May be morally bankrupt but am not a liar. Still, hindsight is 20/20. And I like to think of things unfolding always to my benefit. So who knows where that will go.
I’ve been keeping Bael’s seal on my desk at work to try and stop people bothering me, and to leave me in peace. It’s working. It needs more juice. But I think I just need to be patient and let the changes settle in.
The pale princess…
I went to sleep early last night, mid-meditation, woke just after 3 AM, went back to sleep after 4 AM. Set an intent for leaving my body. Interesting how it is that simply intending for it is enough to make it occur. Obviously, intent and will are paramount to achieving result. In this as well as magic/ritual.
Went through several rounds of phase experiences (which encompasses OOBE/lucid dreaming/AP), three or four instances or maybe more. None of them were particularly noteworthy so I didn’t sit up to write notes after each. But I do remember a few things and I’m going to jumble them together with notes, below:
- So far, it has always been nighttime when I leave my body. I have yet to experience an OOBE where I emerge in daytime.
- Lights never work. Why is this? A larger experience of being unable to interact with the “physical world”? Why should turning a light on be beyond my power? Or is this a self-imposed limitation?
- I am now reliably emerging into the phase state into a precise(?) or close-enough version of my bedroom.
- All of last night/this morning’s experiences involved a lack of clear vision. Everything was muddy and dark, or I’d lose my vision entirely. One or two times I’d force my eyes open, but just end up opening my physical eyes and awakening in bed. Need to work on a fix for this.
- Leaving my body is no issue. I am no longer lingering in the hypnagogic state prior to separation, a lot of the time I’m not experiencing sleep paralysis at all. I default to trying separation techniques whenever I wake up without moving or opening my eyes, but overall it seems to be unnecessary.
- During one experience last night/this morning, I was jogging to the front door of the house, as usual. I saw someone’s shade jogging down the hall toward me. A grey, insubstantial spirit of a woman or girl. We paid each other no heed and passed right through each other. I wonder if it was the sleeping spirit of one of my housemates?
Personally I always used to wonder and question when I’d read about others’ experiences with OOBEs or astral projection. Like – what is it actually like to experience? Are you just in a deep trance? Strongly imagining things? Making things up?
I can say with confidence – you’ll know. There is a clear difference, for me anyway, between being in trance, visionary magic, ritual, etc., and actually experiencing being fully conscious yet completely separate from your physical body. It is as real as the outer 3D world you exist in every day, to the point where you will likely question or feel uncertainty as to whether you are actually awake in the “real” world (as I have done repeatedly). It is not imaginary, except in the sense that the world itself is subject to your whims, thoughts, and imagination (still mastering this myself). It is unbound from the natural universal laws. But it is absolutely, 100%, a real and achievable experience completely separate from waking life, but with the same feeling of lucidity, awareness, and full consciousness. The same level of interaction with your environment.
…Of a palace cracked
In a weird place currently, feeling completely drained, yet somehow managing to roll with the punches in the outer world. Mostly.
The important thing is brazen impudence, delusional confidence: “Everything is working out in my favour, exactly as it should be.”
After I’ve caught up with the latest MFWB working I might take a break. Actually, nah. I have so many experimental projects I want to chase. But I think I’m getting magical whiplash. I need to do a huge banishment/cleansing and just hit the reset button. I’m not taking care of myself… in fact I’m doing the exact opposite. I need to focus inward, patch up the cracks, and heal. And progress. Time to stop holding myself back.
I shared the Tūmatauenga pathworking with my friend @anon39079500 who was also kind enough to test it for me. He reported an experience I found very interesting and I think it’s because of the deities he works with, and those he took along as his guides.
Norse reports how he was “tested”, but connecting the dots, his encounter with Tūmatauenga I would consider similar (speaking as an outsider) to the wero, the ritual martial challenge of a visitor during the traditional Māori welcoming ceremony.
Something keeps me coming back to this deity.
It’s on my list to do the pathworking again, obviously with a guide this time, and see if I can make peace with the tangata whenua horde – I have some ties to Aotearoa even if I am not Māori. Tangata whenua meaning people of the land, and among other things can be used to refer to the Māori people as a whole. So this connects even more dots for me given my initial interaction with Tū and being disdainfully recognised as “not of the
Still not over the surreal experience of “learning” something from a spirit that’s later verified by other sources.
Monday, March 1st
Dark nights on my soul
My mood has gradually lifted as the day’s gone by. I woke up still feeling absolutely miserable and wretched, and the first thing I did when I got to work was cry at my desk. By the time I got home I was back to my usual (mostly) chipper self.
I have a friend who listens to subliminals, and we often compare notes. I’ve started listening to a full playlist of subliminals by the maker of the Concordia Booster. A lot of the time the maker will list “ascension symptoms” or some such phrasing as a side-effect of listening. She, my friend, has mentioned a few weird happenings with her mental state on adopting a few of the other subliminal tracks.
So I am wondering if that is happening to me as well, or if it’s merely my hormones orchestrating my mood to a much greater degree than normal, or both, or something more, or neither. Perhaps all the MFWBs from last October finally catching up with me. Perhaps this last MFWB dealing with targeted baneful magic; which I’ve never done (not counting targeted psychological torment), and I’ve been drawing on quite a bit of energy to pour into those workings, not to mention making poppets.
I have heard/seen the tales of people who experience a kind of “dark night of the soul” around the same time as a spiritual breakthrough. Maybe I’m silly but I don’t tend to put a lot of stock in something until I experience it myself. Well, I guess I put stock in it now.
Either way, definitely a wake-up call for me to be more careful with banishing and taking care of my space. My little mink-familiar does a good job of keeping low-level parasites and astral trash out of my temple but I shouldn’t be exposing her to that kind of harmful energy either.
If I struggle a lifetime, what would my body be?
An empty shell, on what a demon fed?
I deny failure, I ignite
woe is on my misery,
she wins all their eyes
Mostly I helped lift myself out of this dark place today as follows: I kept on going with the subliminal playlist. I listened to Neville Goddard lectures over the top of it. I read some scripture. I sequestered myself away from everybody over my lunch break and listened to/watched ASMR videos while affirming and visualising what I wanted. I spent the rest of the day listening to the same two uplifting songs back-to-back on repeat.
Last night I only had the energy to do a slightly more complex take on the DoM opening ritual as an LBRP alternative. Included calling “from below, Sandalphon”. I had each entity draw a banishing pentagram around me, then I had Metatron rain down a holy flare of fire upon the entire house. Did this in the shower, then did a purposeful scrubbing from the top of my scalp to the soles of my feet, visualising the running water washing away any negative energy.
Cord-cutting ritual with Hekate presiding tonight. Pretty simple. Lit a red candle and white sage incense. I took a small piece of paper and folded it precisely in half. On one half I wrote my name and DOB, on the other half I wrote the King of Pents’ name and DOB. Meditated and called on Hekate until I felt her presence.
She watched as I tore the paper down the middle. Then I rolled each side into a scroll, tied each with three knots, connected with the same thread. I visualised the energetic connection between us represented by the thread. I burned the thread to sever it entirely, then I burned the scrolls and remnants of the thread together in my “cauldron”. I cut my fingernails and fed them into the fire. A small but personally meaningful sacrifice, serving to represent my willingness to cut away that which I have outgrown, and offer it to the flames. I did feel a bit lighter afterwards.
A few other things are falling into place nicely. A money ritual wouldn’t go astray at the moment but I think a break from ritual is really needed for a bit.
Thursday, March 4th
Yesterday was a generally low day for me as well, but today things have started coming back into order.
I’m not sure what I can attribute this low point to to. I touched on this briefly before in an earlier post. I have had low points, of course, but it has been a very long time – years – since I have been so consistently low and miserable, to the point of suicidal ideation. I unravelled so thoroughly and so quickly.
Writing this for hindsight’s sake, it could be any of the following, or a combination of:
- The Enochian rituals I performed within the past two to three weeks;
- Doing almost daily rituals since the beginning of October last year (perhaps earlier), my own stuff and then the three MFWB groups from October through February;
- The baneful workings from the last MFWB group;
- My neglecting proper banishing/cleansing when doing baneful work;
- My meeting and challenge with Tūmatauenga’s tangata whenua horde without having a guide;
- Whatever astrological shite is going on as the heavenly bodies move around out in space;
- Hormones (although I’m sad to say my cycle has fallen slightly out of sync with the moon cycles, so I predict a slow turning of seasons for my body as we move further into the year);
- The subliminal tracks I’ve been listening to – minimum 3-4 hours, max 10-12 hours, daily;
- Mundane life (work, missing certain people, etc.).
I feel like this recent chaotic trend has been spilling out of me in waves; I’m seeing ripples of it in the outer world, reflected by the people around me in interesting (destructive) ways. Things would appear to be working in my favour, and then very quickly unravel or undo themselves. I can’t know the end result, so I just have to be patient. I can’t even know if or which part of me and my thoughts caused it.
When I’m in a low place it’s difficult to focus enough to perform techniques. I’ve felt mentally exhausted. But, I strongly believe it is not techniques which manifest: humans manifest their outer world based on their inner world, naturally and unconsciously.
So, in some areas of my life my mind and mental diet have been fine, and it’s paying dividends and making me happy, but in others, i.e. work, my mental diet has been atrocious, and it’s a sharp fucking knife. In some ways I feel I am now reaping the results of my thoughts of a few weeks ago. So, a reminder to self to focus on the broader picture, and not just one thing.
How’d I get through today? I had a meeting for work that I was dreading. I just decided, upon waking, that it was going to go well. I would do what I could from a mundane perspective to make it so, but I decided and intended mentally that it would be successful. Before the meeting itself, I went outside to centre myself, and spent about five minutes repeating mentally, “I’m so glad that the meeting with X went well”, dwelling in that thought, focusing on how it felt to have the meeting go well.
And so, the meeting I was dreading went much better than I expected.
Which is the cause, and which is the effect?
Prior to that – as well as after – today, and last night, I found comfort in a simple umbrella affirmation* (see below). “Thank you, Father*, for all the blessings in my life. I am grateful.”
(*Father = probably triggers people who are Bible-averse or Christianity-averse. To me, I model this after the teachings of Goddard/Murphy. The Father = your subconscious. Your god-self. Your higher self. Whatever you want to call it. It is not an external, separate entity. It is You, the part of You that you summon to the fore when you perform any ritual.)
Back on track –
I’ve always kind of dismissed “gratitude” as a technique. I definitely won’t look down on anyone who finds it helps them to write a list of things they’re grateful for, or anything like that. It can certainly be useful for some people to focus on what they already have, and feel gratitude for it. It just seems like too much effort to me.
When I focus(ed) on this thought – “Thank you, Father” – I am not picking anything specific. And so, perhaps because of this, I found it surprisingly easy to access the feeling of gratitude, and to dwell in it. I wasn’t like “hey I’m feeling suicidal but… hmm, let’s see… I’m grateful because I own a car because some other people don’t get to own a car… yeah…” or “oh my life sucks right now, but at least I have a small waist so that’s cool, I’m just gonna focus on being grateful for that.”
That seems kind of counterproductive. To me anyway.
If you’ve ever felt gratitude, you know how it feels. Just feel that, and focus on that feeling. Don’t tie it to anything specific.
*Affirmation is kind of an odd way to put it. I think when we give things special terms we assign them special meanings and give them parameters for success/failure.
“Affirmations” are simply your dominant thoughts. If you pay no mind to what runs through your head, your subconscious will happily fill them in for you. If you do pay those conscious thoughts attention, then you can choose which conscious thoughts to focus on. This is all “affirmations” are. This is what a “mental diet” is.
It’s not a special magic formula where you repeat X affirmations a set amount of times to get Y result. Affirmations are simply your dominant thoughts, and your dominant inner thoughts will be reflected to you by the outer world. If you consciously focus on returning to the same thought over and over, and dwelling on it, and maybe even letting it take you off into a mini-daydream, it is surprisingly easy how quickly your brain will accept this thought and default to it. In the past it’s taken me less than a week of consciously repeating the same thought for my brain to actually default to it whenever my mind would idly stray in the direction of that subject. And yes, I saw returns on it.
Anyway, I’ve rambled enough for tonight. Maybe.
I am still taking a break. I have a few things planned. I bought oranges for Bune. I’ve researched more gods and entities that I want to speak with. I think there’s no harm in me going back to simple sigil or words-of-power rituals, maybe Enochian. But I’m not in a rush. My default paradigm continues to be the Law of Assumption, and that in itself is a daily undertaking. “It’s not a ritual, but a lifestyle!” I cry.
Alright, I’m out. Until next time.
Monday, March 8th
After a low-key weekend I’m feeling better mentally. But it makes me realise how much of my mood
I consider to be
was dependent on outside forces.
It’s becoming more and more clear how much of my own shit I have to work on and the changes I have to make internally.
I have plenty of shit to do, I
shouldn’t will no longer find myself sitting on the couch over a weekend doing nothing productive.
At the same time, the outer world is smiling on me in some areas.
No strenuous workings or rituals, but:
First, a shout-out to Bael. Last week or maybe the week before, when I was at work, I drew his sigil and surreptitiously charged it, and have left it out on my desk at the office. The intent being that others (esp. management) leave me completely alone unless I’m interested in engaging with them. I’m hearing stories from my team members, people in the same role as me, about how they’re getting micro-managed, and checked on, and having their hours/output tracked, and given busywork that makes no sense if they have even a single hour free in a 38 hour work-week. I have been exempt and I will continue to be exempt from this. What’s more, I’m getting praised excessively for the work I do complete. Realistically, I’m likely working the least hard out of anyone in my team, I’m getting to do projects that interest me personally, and I’m not getting chased or micro-managed. Bael, you are an absolute unit. Bael has always come through for me.
Second: I have my poppet and my honey jar and my LOA work, and it’s paying off. I take my poppet and I hang out with it. I lie down to meditate while listening to uplifting music and I channel my good feelings into it. I whisper in its ear and tell it what to do. And I’m really happy with how it’s going. I have surpassed happiness into certainty.
Not much else to report. I have some projects in the pipeline but I’m enjoying this minor break from involved daily workings.
Also, I was wrong(?) about my body falling out of sync with the lunar cycle. We still on track give or take a few days.
I leave you with this:
Stop believing in God, and start believing as God.
– Neville Goddard
Wednesday, March 10th
Two small things:
A night or two I dreamed of a macaw. I let him out of his cage and carried him around on my shoulder. He slid down my shirt, curled up and went to sleep. When I later had to rouse him, he didn’t like it, and he came out reluctantly, pecking my finger. I woke up with a red welt on my finger exactly where he’d pecked me in the dream.
More praise for Bael. Earlier tonight I considered bumping an old Bael-related thread I’d made weeks ago to praise him some more, but didn’t. Five minutes later I heard a rustling in the garden (I was sat outside), turned around, and a toad was just sitting there staring at me. Message received. Bael isn’t one I’ve yet connected with on a deeply personal level but he’s never failed to deliver for me. Thank you Bael.
Tuesday, March 16th
Slipknot - Vermilion
Climatic hands that press
I’m still largely on break but have been doing a few things here and there. Enochian rituals for a friend. Offerings for Bune. Picked up a copy of Jareth Tempest’s Angels of Omnipotence and immediately used the glyphs to create and fire off my own sigil.
The pathworkings in that book remind me of a vision that another forum member had of me a few weeks ago. So, noting that here for my own future reference. Blue and purple. Ancient beings. Gotcha.
And, as always, my LOA work. That’s been… interesting. I do have to wonder if my spiral of a week or two ago was due to all the subliminals I’ve been listening to + my collective thoughts about my work/life/self over the past few weeks. That’s over now and I am grateful. The subliminals themselves, according to the author, have certain failsafes built into them, to ensure only positive thoughts manifest. However, their general purpose is to accelerate manifestation.
My personal experience with LOA is that if you have some deeply ingrained belief, and you work to change it, there is usually a purge. The subconscious does not like change, so when its core concepts are challenged, it reacts by overloading your outer world with the previously-held belief. Often, obviously, in overwhelmingly negative ways. As if in panic, trying to remind you – “See? All those things you thought were right! We don’t need to change our view of them!”
It does so to protect us, but that doesn’t mean it is to our benefit. Change can be scary and difficult. Especially when you are changing your worldview and your concept of self from the ground up. If anything, don’t take it as discouragement. Take it as a signal that your programming is being rewritten. Lack of evidence is not evidence of lack. Brazen impudence. Walk by faith, not sight.
But it’s interesting to see how attention to general self-concept plays out around me. Things seem to just go my way. At work, clients/customers like me and are extremely agreeable despite a history of recalcitrance. I got three free meals last week. Showers of compliments. People wanting to spend time with me. My coworkers are being basically bent over a barrel and fucked; meanwhile I’m getting left alone and getting praised up and down for what little work I do complete.
Thank you, Father, for all the blessings in my life. I am grateful.
I’m a slave, and I am a master
No restraints, and unchecked collectors
Re: the cord-cutting ritual with the King of Pentacles. I would say it has worked. Thank you Hekate. It has served its purpose as far as things like:
- I think of him far less during the day and in general, good or bad.
- I (still) think nothing of ignoring the messages he sends me.
- My vengeful thoughts have lessened.
- I no longer feel any lingering awkwardness around him. I can talk to him as we used to talk when we first met…
…A small note though. In this regard I feel that the cord-cutting was useful in wiping the slate clean of past entanglements. It has not caused complete detachment/disregard/indifference.
I am very annoyed to find that I still consider him very physically attractive, even if I have no desire to act on it (or if I’m being honest: it’s a small, infrequent, manageable desire, which I shan’t act on, because my sights are set on someone else, and because I’ve been there/done that, and it’s… really not worth my while), and that part of me keeps resurfacing… because I’m now capable of actually speaking to him like a normal person, joking and bantering, instead of awkwardly avoiding him. Doesn’t help that I am obligated to spend about 12 hours a week in close proximity to him.
I don’t know. At times I have to remind myself of just how disrespectfully the King of Pents treated me. But like I’ve said before, I just want him to be out of my head forever. There was no “closure”. And there was no real apology for what he did to me. I need to give that closure to myself.
It’s a work in progress.
I exist through my need to self-oblige
sHe is something in me that I despise
I won’t let this build up inside of me
The solemn hypnotic
A few more notes on my nocturnal subconscious activities.
After my dream of the macaw the other night, I’m finding more and more feathers everywhere. I like them. I’m starting a collection, apparently. I had a friend offer me some of her beautiful, uncommonly-coloured parrot feathers from her collection, apropos of nothing. I’ve found two more beautiful specimens outside this week, one pure white, and another pure black.
Last night I dreamt of the King of Pentacles. It woke me up.
In my dream he was staying at “my house” and I spent an entire day trying to get home to him because I was consumed with jealousy that he might be spending time with one of my roommates. When I finally arrived home around 4:00 AM, I found three or four random unknown women silently occupying my “lounge room”. My roommate told me that the King of Pents had invited them over at 3:00 AM. I went into another room and found him there. He was crouched behind a TV, trying to turn it off by ripping all of the connecting cables out of the back of it, instead of just switching it off at the power socket.
I asked him what the fuck he was doing. He met my eyes and said, “I hate all the other women in my life,” implying I was the exception. He looked haggard, wrung out, desolated. (Note to self: he looked how he did in that prophetic dream you had of him, months ago.) I asked him, “What does that mean?” and walked further into the room. I had closed the door behind me.
He stood up to face me and said, “I mean…”, and, after a few moments of contemplation, strode towards me purposefully, as if to kiss or embrace me. Instead, he placed one hand on my waist and another on my neck, and swung me to the side so I no longer blocked his exit. He left his hands there on me, and then said, “I can’t do this.”
“Does that mean you don’t want to?” I asked. We had changed. He had turned away from me, but I embraced him, pressed up against his back. He shook his head and said, “We’re just not good for each other.”
I kissed the nape of his neck. “I know,” I said. And then I woke up.
- Two phase experiences last night/this morning. After waking from the aforementioned dream I was dozing and then realised I was in the hypnagogic state when I became aware that I was listening to other people converse. I don’t remember what they said. Following this I sat up sluggishly and separated from my body. My vision was dim and muddy. By the actual time of day, there should have been some sunlight outside. But as always, I woke to the dead of night. I used some “deepening” tactics but but not enough. In one of the separations, I exited the room through the window by my bed. I floated up above the neighbourhood, vision still dim. I flew away, intending to find someone and interact with them. For a brief period my vision was clear, but I lost focus and was pulled back into my body. I don’t remember the other attempt but for knowing I left my body again. I need to focus more on “deepening” techniques.
Until next time. x
Thursday, 18th March
Just a short one today (probably).
It’s the end for the weak-at-heart, always the same
On my nocturnal activities of last night: Fell asleep around 9, woke around midnight. Took me a few hours to go back to sleep. I set an intent for an OOBE/projection.
I know I left my body, perhaps three or four times. I didn’t sit up and write my notes down afterwards. The initial period of sleep, three hours, generally doesn’t lead to noteworthy experiences. Too few REM cycles.
What I do remember is scattered, and I am not even sure if these are in order:
I woke, separated, and performed some deepening techniques (rubbing my hands together, breathing on my palms, palpating nearby objects). I have a vague feeling that I left my room, and went somewhere, and saw or did something, but it was nothing noteworthy. Or maybe it was and I’ve simply forgotten.
Awakened in my body, eyes closed, not moving. I shuffled around a bit, figuring I was awake and simply wanting to go to sleep so I wouldn’t be a zombie at work the next day. Dozed for a while, and then I opened my eyes and noticed there was a shadow-figure floating above me. Kind of like the silhouette of a Dementor, but shadow-person black. I felt… I don’t know how to describe it. Its presence was unexpected but I didn’t attribute it to something sinister. I felt more annoyed that this thing would dare intrude on me, rather than feeling threatened or scared. Perhaps because I generally attribute this kind of phenomena as a product of my own mind rather than an external being. I swung my arms at it to shoo it away, and then I opened my mouth to call Metatron. No sound came out at all. So I recognised I was in the hypnagogic state, but with my “astral form” able to wave her arms around. Instead I closed my eyes and called to Metatron internally to remove this bullshit from my presence.
A short while later I opened my eyes again, staring at the black canopy draped over the top of my four-poster bed. I thought to myself, “Lol how dumb, I mistook the black canopy for a shadow person.” Then I realised that while I do have a canopy bed, I don’t have a black canopy draped over the top of it. So, it clicked that I was back in the phase state. I separated from my body again. I found myself suspended in a dark void. I could vaguely see my hands. Tried deepening techniques again – nothing. I tried to summon objects – nothing. I think I closed my eyes and dove through the floor, but I hadn’t a clear or strong enough intention in mind. I don’t remember this leading anywhere.
Eventually I woke again, and moved myself out of the hypnagogic state. I thought perhaps I should write my notes down but instead I decided they weren’t noteworthy and so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Again, I believe I have mentioned before, I appear to have no problems leaving my body. I don’t get stuck in sleep paralysis any longer, or experience the deafening buzzing/ringing noise, or vibrations, or anything like that.
What I do wish to solve is the matter of my mastery over this state. Is my will/intent not strong enough? Do I need some other kind of technique to help with deepening the state? The main problem I seem to be having is clarity of vision. I’m re-reading The Phase to help with this. The second problem, but no less important, is not having a solid plan once I enter the state. I need to set an intent to leave my body, and set a goal for what I’ll do once I’ve separated.
Interesting that I had this encounter with a “shadow person”, or rather shadow being (it didn’t feel personified) after a brief touch on the subject with @anon39079500 the other day.
Friday, 19th March
A lullaby for the ones who’ve lost all, reeling inside
When I was a child, I had a shadow person experience. I’m not sure if I detailed it in this journal before. But essentially: I was child afraid of the dark, never sleeping without a nightlight. I used to hear the thrum of my own heartbeat echoed back to me, lying with one ear pressed against the pillow, and imagine it was the steady footfalls of some being gradually approaching. If I ever woke during the night, in the dark, I’d never leave bed of my own accord, but would call out to my parents at the other end of the house to come and fetch me a glass of water, or shepherd me to the bathroom, or what have you. I only started to feel comfortable sleeping in the dark in my mid-twenties. Even now though, I can’t fall asleep at night with any part of my body exposed. I must have a sheet or a blanket over my head at all times.
So, this shadow person experience: I was about seven years old, and I awoke in the dead of night. I remember simply lying in bed staring at the ceiling, my arms and face and upper torso bared to the dark room. Eventually I became aware of an alien presence. I looked toward the door, and there was a very tall shadow, human-shaped, blacker than all the shadows around it; he stood stooped in the doorway, peering at me. We regarded each other. After an indeterminate period of time he approached the bed and held out his hand. I sat up and took his hand, which I remember feeling corporeal and solid. Holding his hand, I climbed out of bed, and he led me down the hallway toward the front door. As soon as we reached the front door I had a moment of clarity, and wondered – wait – what am I doing? Then I turned, and walked calmly back to bed, climbed in, and fell back asleep. At no point during the encounter did I feel any fear, only a sort of dull, peaceful calm.
Later, when I was a teenager, I had another, more jarring experience. I dreamt that I was speaking to a character from a video game. He told me he could teleport. I retorted that I didn’t believe him. He said, “I will teleport into your room, then.” I agreed. And suddenly I was shocked awake, and involuntarily rolled onto my back. I couldn’t move, but my body was vibrating intensely. My eyes rolled upwards, again involuntarily; but I could see in my peripheral vision a humanoid shadow standing by my bedside. All I remember from this experience was sheer terror – it felt like my mind was being pushed out of my body; I could feel the gradual slide of my consciousness being untethered like a physical sensation in my head. It felt like I was being possessed. So of course I fought back mentally, straining and struggling to move, trying to scream but no sound coming out. After what was probably only seconds, but felt like a half hour, I was able to move a pinky finger, and then sensation and movement flooded back to my body, and I sat up gasping for breath on an insane adrenaline high.
狼 The Wolf
General manifestations / umbrella manifestations seem to be a net positive for me this week. But the one thing I was most focused on, I wasn’t able to bring to fruition. I need to examine this and determine what I could’ve done differently. I think it’s just that I’ve mentally adjusted the stakes to be higher, and my subconscious responds.
But the outer world is still reflecting those desires back to me through the words of other people. Interesting.
Oh, and now that I’m focused on manifesting money, I’m seeing massive resistance/negative outcomes in the outer world. Can’t help but feel it’s all connected – as mentioned previously. But, just gotta keep my head up and my eyes focused on the goal.
I’m out of my head, of my heart, and my mind
'Cause you can run but you can’t hide
I’m gonna make you mine
I’m out of my head, of my heart, and my mind
'Cause I can hear how your flesh now is crying out for more
Saturday, 20th March
A short one but a good reminder for myself.
My good friend recently had some symptoms checked out and discovered he had the markers for a serious health condition. I sympathised but didn’t accept it. I used a few SH/SATS sessions where he told me the doctors couldn’t find anything wrong after all. And then I persisted in this assumption, refusing to see him as anything but whole and healthy.
The other day I asked him how his specialist appointment went. He told me that he had a test performed again and the tech couldn’t find anything wrong and the results were completely normal.
It is. No illness in my universe, only health and perfection. I will keep going with this, but it’s already done.
Wednesday, March 24th
Such a strange dream last night. I dreamed of a little white mink (or ferret, or weasel, or something in the mustelidae family) that died and turned into bones, and then while I was cradling its little skeleton, its flesh reformed and it came back to life. I was so happy that I cried, and I awoke weeping. But I think it was a false awakening, because what followed was something of a weird meta-dream, where I fell back asleep but dreamed I was writing down the notes of the dream in my phone. I then became aware I was dreaming lucidly, and so with purpose I strode off into the environment to do… something. But the lucidity only lasted a minute or two, and when I wasn’t able to immediately achieve what I set out to do (whatever it was), I distinctly remember the feeling of falling and fading away back into darkness, letting sleep claim me.
I’ve been re-reading The Phase but I think I need to go through it again cover-to-cover; specifically I remember reading a passage in it recently that said you should be stubborn and persistent in achieving whatever goal you have, because any lapse in focus can immediately cancel the dream state. Also, to never engage in spontaneous occurrences that arise in the state. Stay focused.
Anyway, I’m glad it was a lucid dream and not full AP/OOBE body separation. I’m still having something of a hard time immediately differentiating between reality and awakening into AP/OOBE, and I’m currently living in a high-rise apartment building, so I don’t really want to test the depth of my phase state by leaping off the balcony – assuming I emerge in the same room I fall asleep in, as I do when I’m at home.
Let’s see… what else. I’ve been enjoying myself, having the freedom and privacy to perform rituals aloud – tool-free rituals but rituals nonetheless – instead of hunkering down in my room whispering or performing the LBRP in the shower where I have plausible deniability that I’m simply practicing singing scales.
Will take a moment to reflect on recent LOA/LOB practice. Mindset is good, way back on track. No anxiety, no suicidal ideation. Looking forward to the future with open arms and expectations that are simultaneously zero, but also, great.
Obviously the odd negative thought or bad mood still arises, but I find that in general, I’m far more easily able to brush off negative thoughts,
Still, was in danger of giving myself limiting beliefs about certain things. It’s an annoying concept that “detachment” seems to be key. But again here I reference something I wrote a few weeks ago, paraphrased:
Desire is said to be the root of all suffering. Desire is the acknowledgement of the lack of the thing desired, of the separation between oneself and one’s desire. The key to removing suffering, then, is not to desire nothing, but to remove the feeling of lack and separation between yourself and the desired thing.
Friday, March 26th
Oh, the King of Pentacles. I can feel his sanity crumbling as he sends me strings of drunken texts gradually dissolving further into illegibility. I am really, and I mean REALLY tempted to viciously grind salt into all in the wounds I’ve inadvertently flayed into his emotional state.
I tell myself I’m not a spiteful person. And I can get away with this, under the plausible deniability of me just making cute jokes about a subject that he brought up.
But also, do I want to feel guilty or responsible for causing another human being emotional suffering?
Even though this is like a tiny shard of the hurt and disrespect he has shown me?
So for now I’m just going to leave it.
Maybe I’m just a soft-hearted sentimental fool. 'Cause when he texts me asking for help I can’t bring myself to ignore him. But that makes me think… when I texted him for help back in the day, he’d leave me on read.
This is exactly why I wanted to cut the cord. I don’t want to get dragged back into this shit.
Saturday, March 28th
Oh how the outer world tried to play tricks on me today. Bombarded with negative after negative. Set some time aside to meditate in the mid-afternoon, specifically an I AM meditation. During, and lingering for hours after, I felt as though my core was a crystal column of pure incandescent white. Despite the circumstances I kept my chin up and focused on affirming: everything is working out in my favour, exactly as it should be.
And you know what… it all worked out, in its own way and in its time, in a way that seemed totally natural. I got what I wanted. And it was delightful.
Thank you, Father, for all the blessings in my life. I am grateful.
Edit for note to future self:
- Persistence beats resistance.
- Lack of evidence is not evidence of lack.
I AM is my name forever.
I did it,
I am doing it,
And I will continue to do it
Until that which I have done
Is perfectly externalised within my world.
ignore me I'm being dramatic
the constant thought — to end it all
crushed up pills — too close to call
the balcony from which i’d fall
might be the answer after all —
to fling myself to unknown fate,
uncaring into heaven’s gate
the bliss of nothing left to feel;
no more to question what is real
and all that effort held aloft
relinquished, easy, sighing soft
untethered, then, i’d make my way
dissolved into the boundless grey
a lighted tunnel waits for me not;
only these remnants, left to rot
absorbed into the earth’s sweet loam,
a wave subsiding into foam,
a distant star that lights the gloam,
or ash borne on the breeze to roam.
all but a step
on journey home.
If dreaming is an interest, i would read Carlos Castaneda.
I’ve heard of him and I think maybe seen a video or two of his before. If you recommend him I’ll check him out.
Tuesday, March 30th
I left my body last night/early this morning after setting an intention for it. Another sluggish, muddy handful of experiences; maybe three or four.
First I remember waking in the hypnagogic state (in my current dwelling) and feeling/hearing an ominous presence next to the bed. I sat up and sluggishly separated, waving my arms at it to try and shoo it away. I was moving in slow motion. It was there, shadowy but very insubstantial, observing me. I think I then got up and went toward the bathroom to check the mirror and see if I was really projecting. Instead I went to the front door, and tried to phase through it, ending up colliding into it with my shoulder. This surprised me and in the moment of doubt I was pulled back into my body.
In another experience I awoke again, in a different house, one of those amalgamations of places. The shadowy presence was still there. Not really threatening or interfering with me in any way, but I didn’t like it, and I wanted it to leave me alone. I got out of bed and jogged towards the back door. The thing followed me. I slapped a light switch in passing; when it didn’t turn on, I knew I was in the phase state. Incongruously, my sibling’s cat was there right by the back door. He saw me and meowed. I dove through the door and swam up through the air, leaving the shadowy presence behind. But once I was up there, I lost focus, my vision dimmed, and I returned to my body.
Separated again. No shadowy presence this time. I found myself walking along some street outside, wearing the clothes I’d gone to bed in. It was very dark, dead of night with no moon or stars, and I could only really see myself and a few insubstantial details to indicate I was somewhere walking on solid ground and not just floating in a void.
I remembered Raduga talking in The Phase about finding/creating/generating objects in the phase state to help you with material goals. I reached into my pocket expecting to find a bottle of pills with some label on it, so that taking the pill would affect my conscious self. My hand came out empty but feeling as though it was cupped around something, and without questioning it my dream-self opened this non-existent bottle, shook out one non-existent pill, gave it intent, and swallowed it. I then realised I’d essentially mimed this process and had no way of knowing if taking an invisible pill from an invisible bottle would be effective in my conscious state. Very frustrating. I reached into my other pocket, with the intent to find some device that would help to deepen the phase state so I could achieve some goals. My hand came out empty. I lost focus and returned to my body.
Uncomfortable and annoyed, I just roused myself from paralysis and rolled over to find true sleep.
I really want to focus on mastering this state. It’s becoming a not-uncommon experience, perhaps every two to three weeks, and I have no trouble at all separating from my body. It’s just frustrating to keep running into the same blocks, like – it’s always the dead of night, light switches never work, I often leave my body sluggishly and with dim and muddy vision; and I don’t currently have great control over my environment. And this shadow presence seems to keep popping up, which is very fucking annoying.
Wednesday, March 31st
Neglected to mention it, but yesterday or the day before I saw a ritual I cast on December 28th last year (2020) come to fruition.
The “Bring Judgement” ritual from Angels of Wrath. I asked that the King of Pentacles “is unable to sleep peacefully knowing what he did to me, he cannot rest until he apologises”.
Well. I finally got an apology for what he did to me. It worked itself out over time. First I had to detach emotionally enough to not care enough about backlash from prompting him to talk about it. Second, I had to remind him (!?!) of the shitty thing he did and tell him it was the shittiest thing that’s ever been done unto me by another. According to him he barely remembered it. But, a day later, he came back with an actual, lengthy, sincere-seeming apology and said he’d been up all night thinking about it.
Now that I think of it, it also fulfils a Uriel ritual from about six months ago. “Make someone know they have hurt you” (Archangels of Magick). I considered that fulfilled because a few hours after the incident I got a throwaway text from him that basically amounted to “sorry lol”.
The last word
I read something interesting on the NG subreddit. It was someone who advocated “coaching yourself”. Essentially, there are some people who peddle their own services based on the teachings of NG or JM. But in this thread on reddit, the OP talked about how s/he set up a new email account, and when they felt lost or down or uncertain, they would email all their thoughts to their new “godself/coach” email.
Then they’d log into their “godself” email inbox (however later – minutes, hours, days, don’t know), and respond to themselves, as a coach, as their godself, giving themselves encouragement and advice.
I LOVED this idea. I immediately went and set up a new “godself” email address. If I feel lost or down or like I need advice, I just email myself all my thoughts, letting it all spill out, all raw and uncertain and unedited.
And then I give it a while – half an hour or more – and I log in to my “godself” email and read the message from myself, and I reply and give myself advice. Because ultimately I already know the answer to these questions and doubts. And it lets me “don the garment” of this wise and knowing coach, giving advice to a little lost lamb.
So when I again log into my normal email, and check my response from my godself, I feel doubly empowered.
It’s beautiful, wonderful, and I recommend it.
Damn! That’s such a good idea! Also I’m glad your ritual worked! It sounds like it gave you some closure🤗 I am sorry that Whatever happened to you happened in the 1st place, but I am glad that you are at least getting what you want now.