The False Context of Control - My Journal

Where do I begin?
I figured I would share my experiences with the forum since digging deeper within myself.

So I’ll begin with how it all started first :

How about my awakening?

One night I was at a friends house and had never taken psychedelics in my life, I decided I would try mushrooms and for some reason I thought it would be a good idea to eat 19 grams of mushrooms containing 11mg of psilocybin per cap. The night was fine for the first 4 hours of the high / trip and then things started to get weird. I was swept up into a wave of my own consciousness and literally fell flat to the floor. My friends said I was talking to myself and my eyes were rolling into the back of my head. My memory of this experience was witnessing my mind being ripped from my own body, I could see myself, my mind, my conscious mind, my sub conscious mind, and an observer. It was something that I’ve been curious about since it happened and have found ways to experience it through meditation however it is still new to me as a practitioner even after the years that have passed.

Now the occurrence usually happens during meditation and has lead me to realize that we cannot experience what some may call “ego death” but instead we experience a shift in our consciousness that is so profound and mind blowing it may look like your ego died. The realization got deeper when I realized that without an ego I was nothing but a sentient being subjectively observing the universe and without an objective personality I could never fully grasp my own opinion on the thoughts or experiences in day to day life.

Since becoming sober from drugs, I have recently learned that the ego is an amazing thing if you can integrate it into your day to day life and not just see it as your enemy.

Working with Belial and Lucifer has shown me a lot when it comes to the mind and controlling my own thoughts versus recognizing messages from elsewhere. Working with Michael and Jesus showed me how to use my own ego to control my path or choice of paths. It’s all just step after step and since this a constant occurrence in my rituals and meditation is the manifestation of Belial.

There have been times where I have seen full blown manifestations of him in my visions or shadows of him lurking throughout my ritual room during rituals, I’ve never felt harm or worry from him as I feel that he was part of me being ripped out of my constant state of depression and confusion to a state of learning and interest.

Asking for help is way different than realizing that the help is already being given and you just need to listen.

This journal will most likely just be an explanation of ramblings and me losing my mind in the sub-conscious since I have found more profound insight digging deeper in myself than with reaching outward to the universe. I may also share some of my rituals with others but it will be hard to explain as the majority of my rituals are done in a unconscious state or trance state without pedestals and idols of worship.


I second this.
Can’t wait to read more


Sounds pretty interesting but I’m not sure I would classify that as an ego death experience. For me, as induced through various psychedelics, the state consists of the observer and the observed merging and becoming One. There is no more ‘you’ since you are now Everything, at least for that moment.

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As soon as I can learn how to explain my experiences, I will. That’s always the hardest part for me since mine are usually closed eye visuals and auditory “hallucinations.” Gets really hard to explain stuff you’ve never seen before lol.

The Pact

After experiencing the night where I took 19 grams of mushrooms, I was thrown into a world of “Who the fuck am I?” this lasted for months and I’m pretty sure it still happens even now. I tend to wonder about who we really are, human, spirits, spiritual beings experiencing a human existence… who knows.

It lead me to begin researching the Lesser Key of Solomon because up until then the only magick I even knew or attempted to know was black magick out of my love for death metal and black metal as well as the obscene references it has in our culture now.

Reading it lead me to many other books such as the Daemonous Compendium and Book of Amon. They were all just books to me and I couldn’t find a context with them that related to myself as a person until I came across Belial and what people describe as “Black Alchemy.” It’s amazing how fast things happened from there. I would constantly meditate on Belial and the nature described of him within multiple texts until it finally happened… I was performing a candle meditation where you focus on the light of a flame and I saw him manifest within the flame and the entire room went dark. I was shown two options, one was to continue to be quiet and live a minimal existence where the other was to live without fear and boundaries of who we are as a person. This was not overnight I should probably add, I had been meditating for years before I finally saw him manifest.

What I was shown was so mind blowing, I can only hope to begin to explain it in words. I was taken out of my body just like when I had the mushrooms and was shown the visions in a much more clear and stable mindset since I was no longer intoxicated. The visions were of my past self and choices I had made that had lead me to who I am now. They were just reflections of how the choices we make always reflect who we become.

To this day I still have not heard him speak, but I can always tell when Belial is present within my meditation and rituals because I can feel an overwhelming paranoia flood through my body and then shocks sent through my pineal gland that are very similar to the feeling of being too drunk. It’s only momentary but it always hits like a freight train when he shows up now.

Anyway, before I begin to ramble to much…

I would continue meditating and focusing inward on what I was being shown until I went too deep and saw my own true madness. Things got a bit too intense for me on this one specific meditation, I felt his finger touch my forehead and I was flung into madness. I was shown the same experience of being ripped out of my body except this time I could see the archetypes presented as figments of myself. Each one representing a moment in time that I had forgotten or a part of myself that I had lost through my own choices. I was never a “good” person or “just” person, I just was. The experience allowed me to begin recognizing my own faults and focusing inward on a deeper level once I was able to fully grasp this state of trance and how it worked. The over-all experience reminded me of the transition from being multiple conscious to one cohesive conscious mind that understands itself and it’s own fears. It was definitely one of the more terrifying experiences I have been through since working with magick as a whole. Before then it was just the occasional exploding candle or something flying off of my desk.

It kind of makes me wonder what people truly refer to when speaking on the double helix symbolism and the black alchemy transmutation. I’m sure some may have gone way deeper than me as well so it will be interesting to see how people reflect on this experience.

It also lead me to research a lot on Carl Jung and the Shadow Archetype for some reason but that’s a different story for a different time.

Feeling lost but at one was probably the most scary thing I have experienced so far through sober ritual because it reminds me so strongly of the overwhelming paranoia of doing psychedelics and their initial onset before the peak. Scary probably not being the right word.

The Ritual of Madness

Requirements -

  1. Candle
  2. Black Mirror or Black Canvas
  3. Specific incense, you’ll know which one when you smell it. [It’s something about the comfort you experience.]
  4. An open room with at least one window.

Instructions -

  1. Light the candle in the center of the room. You can use a sigil if you would like, I tend to focus on the energy of the entity I am wishing to work with these days instead.

  2. Place the black mirror / black canvas to the opposite side of the candle where you will be sitting.

  3. Light the incense and begin focusing on inhaling the aroma into your being. Deep breath inward, deep breath outward. Stare into the candle and watch it begin to fade out of your sight.

  4. At some point you will begin to feel suffocating energy around you, this is generally due to the paranoia of trying to enter the trance state, if this begins to happen… open the window and focus on regaining yourself for a moment and go back to your spot of meditation.

  5. Instead of focusing outward, focus your mind inward and envision your questions that you want answers to. This can take some time to get used to or practice but with time you’ll get better at it. It took me quite a few times before I actually lost myself in this meditation.

  6. Once you have entered the trance state, things may begin to get weird around you or in your head as you are dealing with the sub-conscious mind now.

I personally do not believe in ego death. It’s in my name. I think that the ego cannot die as we cannot exist without it. Ego death to me would be the definition of depression and sorrow.

I would love to hear your opinion on this though since I never considered myself adept or an expert. I’m just / always learning.


Well, as with most mystical phenomena words do a poor job of conveying the ineffable. All I can say is that there is an experience wherein your sense of boundaries of self expand to the point where you are no longer ‘you’…you have become everything, like a drop of water merging with the ocean. There are also neurological correlates here to disruption of the normal functioning of the temporal lobe, which seems to govern our sense of self.

The term ‘death’ in ego death is problematic, I think, because it usually implies permanence, but after that subjectively timeless moment the boundaries tend to shrink back down again (if a little looser) and the resilient ego reconstructs itself; in fact if you believe the Buddhists you could say that the ego reconstructs itself with every thought and therefore is illusory to begin with. Cross-reference here with their notion of Samadhi and Crowley’s take on it in Book IV:

From my own experience I believe that simply taking more of a psychedelic does not necessarily make it more likely to happen, although it can. What has helped is meditation in tandem with a low dose, and a basic surrender to what may feel very much like death during the initial processes leading up to it.


I view ego death as the death meaning change. Not the death as in death of self.
Death in tarot means change so why can’t it mean change in ego death.
Just my view on it.

So I guess in a sense we are in agreement and just experienced it differently.

I personally think that psychedelics can help with the journey but they can also become a crutch. It’s why I no longer use them except for at the occasional festival / concert or microdose level.


Agreed. I think Alan Watts had it right: once you get the message, hang up the phone. Nowadays I find meditation and getting into altered states of consciousness via natural means a much more sustainable longterm practice.


It’s funny how much I watched and looked up to Alan Watts, Terrence McKenna, Carl Jung, etc until I actually experienced what they were talking about. Now I just understand what McKenna meant by it’s a subjective experience for everyone and there is no pure objective thought.

I feel like the psychedelic experience just helped me connect on a much deeper level to what I was seeing in visuals.

Edit : I cant type for shid…


The Forced Insight

So I guess I’ll keep going since people seem interested in reading…

Some time’s gone by since I’ve found my peace with myself and the realization that the shadow must be manifested into my own reality. My meditations tend to only get more intense and vivid visually the more I practice.

One of the more recent ones that I wrote down in my journal reflected on my own personal issues with biting my tongue and calming myself around people I view as a threat / enemy to myself. Almost as if I was conjuring the thoughts and phrases found in The Art of War and Path of The Samurai.

" The enemy of my enemy is my friend."
It’s a very odd realization when you realize just how deep this quote is going. I would always view my enemy of my enemy as just another obstacle to pushing out my enemies. It’s a weird situation when the enemy of your enemy is your own mind.

The Experience

Sitting in a dark room completely void of light, I find myself focusing on breathing slowly and staring at the strands of smoke lifting from the incense I had lit before my ritual meditation. The smoke begins to form itself from simple strands to shapes and images of the past. The colors that are beyond sight begin to flicked off of the smoke strands and I start to fall back. Laying on the floor staring at the ceiling, I close my eyes and am immediately sent to the place I’ve begun to find myself in. The multiple archetypes staring at me, however this time it was the idea that they were there to hurt me that kept me from manifesting any actual desires.

I begin to lose focus on my physical body and regain the ability to move around in this world. My ego as always standing behind me. I see what I believe to be my inner lust just with a smirk, they were staring at me so I walk towards them and I’m immediately plunged into an abyss of nothing. Here I can hear but I cannot see, I can smell but I cannot touch. The constant screaming that I’ve heard in the abyss of my mind continues and I walk toward it out of curiosity. At this point I am shown vivid imagery of my ex-wife and our life together but I was not sad or emotional, it was if I was being told that this would be a lesson I am going to have to learn in my life. It was an immediate rush of thoughts and desires all being flooded into my mind that I could not escape, I felt the madness rushing through me like every other time I had found myself confused in this state. I reached for my Anubis pendant that I always carry as a way of grounding when I go to far but this time it was gone and when I looked down at myself I was wearing all black when in reality I had on a red shirt and blue shorts.

I started to forget who I was again and began to plunge deeper into this world of smell and sounds with no sight or touch. Then I began to see what I can only imagine was what I asked for, I’m never ready for what I ask for… I was kneeling in front of my great grandfather’s coffin crying my eyes out, I could feel my childhood thoughts of how can I go on without my hero. The pain was unreal, it was like I was experiencing it all over again. I tried to force myself to realize that this was only a lesson and none of it was real but as I’ve stated 100 times already, you cannot kill the ego and the ego will control you if you try… This went on for what felt like hours and eventually I would see points where I had lost myself in my life flash before my eyes. The first time I did hard drugs, the first time I robbed someone, the first time I stole a car… etc… all of the things I perceived as evil and it was if I was being shown the necessity of those things to get me where I am now.

From the perspective of someone who has changed, it was less terrifying and more eye-opening to me. I decided to completely lose my mind and plunge deeper still and when I did I found myself in an almost astral cage that I could not escape. I was screaming and punching and kicking the cage out of rage because I was relying on my instincts as at this point I could not think clearly enough to realize how simple it would be to escape. Swinging back and forth, rushing at the walls of the cage, bouncing across it constantly… It just went on for some time and then I crashed my head into the ground of the cage and woke up.

I looked at my phone and what had felt like hours upon hours was only a 30 minute meditation.

The lesson to me was pretty clear that what I saw as an issue with my tongue was simply an issue with my anxiety and rage towards my frailty of humanity. It was just another lesson to show that I had no yet made it to the higher-self I thought I was becoming yet.

The Ritual / Meditation Requirements

  1. Pitch black room with no windows.
  2. Incense or candle.
  3. Vibrant blanker - Red, Yellow, Green etc. Warm colors.
  4. Stereo headphones and some form of frequency to listen to.
  5. Grounding item.

Instructions of Ritual

  1. Begin by finding your comfort in the sounds you are listening to.

  2. Breathe inward and outward simply focusing on the changing sounds.

  3. Stare at the smoke rising from the incense or the candle and focus on yourself blending in with them [This is the harder part since blending is usually done through your own energy waves.]

  4. Focus on your question, focus it inward. Ask your sub-conscious to answer what it is you seek.

  5. Continue to breathe and focus on the question, focus on your mind becoming detached from your ego / forced consciousness.

  6. Continue to do this until you begin to lose sight of the smoke and things begin to blur out of proportion.

  7. Let yourself be lost. Usually you will fall asleep at this point or fall backwards, so please make sure you are in a comfortable place. It is very similar to the crash you experience from Ayahuasca.


(Don’t mind me bumping this thread, it should be seen way more often. And I’m gone again)


The Shadow

Another experience I had in this weird state was with the Shadow. I’m not really sure how to describe the situation or what the shadow actually represents. If you’re into psychology, it represents the archetype of everything wrong with our egos. If you’re into the occult, they generally represent the watcher or observer. So this time things got a bit weird for me…

During a ritual that I was performing, I won’t say which one since it will probably be obvious once you realize what I was doing, a shadow manifested in the corner of my room.

I was focusing on the candle as I normally do and opening my own personal void. The sigil in front of me didn’t move at all, nothing happened, I felt like I failed. So I left the room. When I was leaving the room the door slammed behind me and the sounds echoed throughout my house like someone had a speaker on full blast. At the time I was not on psychedelics either, so I know it wasn’t an auditory hallucination being created by drugs. I felt the sound in my core. It was almost like I was at a concert and in the front row next to the speakers. The sound shook through me and then I realized what was happening, I never actually left the room and was only in a meditative state. The realization came from looking at the sigils that I have around my house all moving in sync with each other.

I’m still not sure if the ritual I was performing was the ritual it said it was, I was still new to magick when this experience happened.

Anyway… before I start rambling…
The sigils in my home were floating off of their canvases and things were out of proportion. I could feel myself losing it again and decided I should try to lay down. When I laid down I felt myself pulled back into my body and I was laying down in my salt circle staring at the heater ducts on my floor in my ritual room. I tried to sit up and saw a shadow sitting across the room from me. I’m still really not sure why it was there but when I tried to meditate again all I heard was an annoying humming sound and it felt like I was being disoriented on purpose. So I stared into the shadow since I’m generally not afraid of my own madness, when I stared into the shadow, I began to feel as if I was being sucked into it and could feel my energy being drained.

It was actually calming compared to being fed on or used for someone elses gain. I felt like the energy was going to another part of myself if that makes sense. After a while the room fell to black and I saw a man with long hair and an unmaintained beard sitting in a chair in the same spot the shadow was. In my head I knew who it was and that the ritual I did probably wasn’t what I thought it was. They got out of their kneeling / sitting position and walked towards my circle and immediately I was flung back into reality with the salt circle completely destroyed and wiped from the floor.

I could feel what I was being told and it’s been a constant in all of my rituals to leave my circles open as much as people say you probably shouldn’t in books.
Some times the littlest things teach you the most about how little you know. I’ve attempted to call the man again through the ritual but he’s never come back and now it just occasionally puts out my candles.

Moral of the story : What works for you, may not work for some one else or vice versa.


The best and most useful of all traits, ever.


Sex Seems To Be The Rage Huh?

I guess I’ll share on my experience with sex in the metaphysical. [No I haven’t had sex with entities or monsters of the abyss… I don’t shun it either, I’ve just never tried.]

The realization that you are way too smart for your own good is when things will hit you the hardest. “If you can’t remain humble your life will be flung into total chaos.”

My realization is a bit different than what has happened with a lot of people here… we seem to have all at some point been crippled by a desire for lust and sexual urges. This can be a good thing or a bad thing depending on how you use it as a person. Everything in reality is a learning experience to find out who you really are.

My Experience

People talk about how they have had sex with multiple entities, found love in the astral plane, all of the above… However, my question for you is why can’t the opposite occur? Why can’t you realize that the power of being alone is much more profound than the sensation of momentary desires?

I dove in head first with this one, I was going through a horrible break up and losing my mind… Drinking, smoking, working out until I passed out on the floor… You know the manic version of self. I went through this for months after the breakup and decided I should complete a ritual in this manic state to escape it. I really am never ready for what I’m shown.

My meditation began the usual way and I just focused on how I could get over the person I was becoming. I was literally manipulating everyone in my life for my better self, or destructive self. I guess that depends on how you view things. I focused on all of the experiences that had occurred that lead me to this situation and focused the thought form into a massive bubble that I could walk into if I wanted in the theoretical idea. This bubble become too overwhelming for me when I began to try and restructure it to understand who I was becoming and I was pulled from myself.

The experience showed me that my focus on an inxoticating feeling or lustful feeling is just human nature and the need to escape my day to day life. It’s probably all of the texts I was reading or the meditation took a different route. I believe I may have actually evoked Lilith unknowingly.

Being shown at this time that all of my desires were just temporary and would subside over time. The manic state I had entered was me being overpowered by my ego and lead me to a realization that the path of being alone as a person in life isn’t as scary as some may think. You begin to lose your inhibitions to do hard drugs, drink, smoke, watch TV… All of it eventually fades away and you find yourself in a state of solitary confinement that you can escape at any instant. Learning to control the 2 states of mind has taught me that I can go to a party and talk to whoever and handle what ever comes my way or I can close myself away and fade into the distant background of someone else’s story.

The projection we put on other people isn’t just in text and words, it happens throughout our day to day lives and our need for lust or personal relationships can pull us into someone elses frequencies and waves.

On with the story?

Demons and their profound ability to interfere with our minds in our day to day lives is pretty crazy huh?

During my experience, I was shown these things because I had attempted to summon a succubus solely for the reason of never wanting anything or anyone else. I didn’t just find one I found many manifesting into my reality.

What I was shown was how all of these experiences were just momentary and that what some might experience as a lust or interconnection with the metaphysical isn’t at all what they think it is.

The idea is that in these experiences instead of losing yourself, you may need to focus on what you are being shown. So while you may have the most blissful experience of your occult existence thus far, thinking deeper about the experience might be an even deeper experience for you physically, psychologically speaking or even to the metaphysical self.

I really should probably start writing these down before I start typing… Hope this helps whoever reads it though since I’ve been seeing a LOT of posts about sex with entities specifically the higher viewed hierarchy of the Ars Goetia.

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Controlling The Inner Self

The hardest thing a lot people seem to forget how to grasp over time is the loss of self being the conscious self finding harmony.

Recently I have been studying a lot on sound frequencies and the effect they have on rituals however it’s gotten to the point where I figured I would share some insight on the topic. The human body is insane once you grasp what you can do physically and metaphysically.

Heating The Soul

There tend to be many who would like to attack the aware. It’s not really a welcoming world to understand how things work. Hence why psychology, chemistry, biology, geology, etc is so hard to understand. The wording has been programmed to keep you away. At least in what I have noticed.

When I first started my journey of learning how things worked with the metaphysical, I had no idea how closely they would relate to my work with sound frequencies and the effect they have on the brain.

Creating certain frequencies to do certain things. It’s fun once you get a grasp on the low-end, mid-end, high-end concepts. As well as Absolute Frequencies and Non-Absolute Frequencies.

I ramble a lot… So… When I started getting more and more into the work I noticed a constant in my life and that was having my energy siphoned or someone poking at my shields. It became rather annoying because it’s hard to focus on sound frequencies while you’re also being attacked by someone who can see what you’re doing. So in this development I decided to test out a new theory… We have many frequencies that effect the human body and many that effect the metaphysical but can we learn to harness those sounds as a way to attack people? The answer is yes.

In a recent conflict I had with someone, I decided to test the theory out and they didnt come back to work for weeks after the experience. We were in the break room and they just kept staring at me and dragging me down to their level. The absolute negative. In that moment I decided I would attempt to use what I had learned from frequencies and create the sounds in my own head. This is when I learned how to fluctuate the body temperature from extremely cold to extremely hot. I’m not sure if it was occurring within my physical body. I would think about the 900FHZ and up range and focus on it resonating within my entire body and that’s when it happened. I felt their grasp on me literally burning into nothing. In this situation the attacker became tired and left work. They were hospitalized afterwards according to one of my friends and they said they had uncontrollable vomiting for a week.

Going forward however I really had no idea what I was doing until it happened again last night. Someone entered my sanctuary / isolation room and attempted to force their energy / aura onto me. [Could have been someone from here, could have been someone from somewhere else, in all honesty it didn’t bother me. I’m used to it at this point.]

They were pressuring themselves onto me trying to push themselves into my crown chakra. It felt like a literal forced invocation but when I realized what was happening I focused on the concept of heating my body again and felt my aura engulfed in flames and closed my eyes and visualized my 3rd eye being forced open. At this time I still don’t have a complete control over what happened next but I felt the fire swirling around me and encapsulating me in a golden egg at which point I heard a very familiar voice say “You’re trapped in here with me, not the other way around.” I could feel my attackers pain, I could feel them losing themselves and just as I regained my own focus it was over. The golden form was gone, my body temp was back to normal and I was sitting in my meditation bed staring at the ceiling wondering what happened.

I would love to hear any concepts anyone here has on what I did last night or what I have been doing for a while now. It’s new to me. I can form constructs and shields but this was different. It was like I forced all of my energy out of myself and lost control of it through the frequencies I was creating.

I do not believe that I am stronger than anyone in the metaphysical sense, or in reality. I just seem to be learning something that I am not prepared to control at this time.

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Sonic/ultrasonic weapons are a thing in the military.
It would be a good explaination for this

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All of this is fantastic…thanks for taking the time to share it.

Google “Directed Energy” for more on what @A_Pariah is talking about.


I never even thought about that. I used to be really into directed energy too… Maybe it’s just something my mind has picked up over time. I’ll have to look into it more and see how it also relates to the occult. Thanks for the point in the right direction. I’ve never had control over it, it just kind of happens when I’m trying to focus on a single point or shielding myself from someone. I never attack people unless they attack me first so maybe it’s just a recoil effect.

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It is a weird idea but maybe worth a try: you could listen to noise music in order to have a better control/“visualization” over the frequencies you use to shield.
(personal recommendation would be everything from Kenji Siratori, there is a lot going on in these)

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I’ll check it out.
I found something on directed energy and the aura and it lead me to magnetism.

I also mix/master music throughout the day for part time income so I’m always messing with weird sounds.

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Cubase yay or nay?

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