That does it! (reached a true turning point in life)

General Discussion
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Tonight I went and lost my mind, blew up at no one in a state of utter boiling rage. I cant recall ever being so completely enraged in my life. Some here may well know from reading my posts, that I am trying to turn my life around, to reach a point where things put up steam and life begins to work for me instead of against me. Tonight I was pushed just too far, again and again until I couldn’t repress months worth of frustration for another half a second.

I found myself driving my vehicle (alone at night) while absolutely raging at the right hand concept of God, or love and light, of harm none. That “the meek shall inherit the Earth” garbage was the first to be ripped to shreds in my rage. At some point I flat out told anything ‘love and light’ it can basically kiss my ***. For years I tried to be good, because that’s what I was thought to be, to be loving and forgiving, patient and to overlook so many of lives true evils against us. I gave that lifestyle years of my life, wasted so much time on trying to spread love, and never dreaming it would not come back to me one day. I helped people and they walked over me, I did them favors and they saw “doormat” painted on me in big red letters. I was used, abused and torn down as soon as I climbed to me feet again and again all in the name of “love and light” and told it so in anything but a nice and polite way. I had giving it so much energy and time and commitment, and if the being we call “god” was really so big and mighty he could prove it and help me, and I didn’t want to hear anymore of that “god’s will,” crap, because what abut MY will, my needs, my life, my future? And finally don’t even get me going with that old fear of burning in Hell for saying even half of all I said, because if there is a Hell I’m only on a path there after God drove me to it. (I must admit I am a bit concerned about the split second glace I caught of a man standing in the middle of the street in a pair of blue reflective coveralls, and who was clearly not there at all, and never had been, as I looked again slowing down to let him cross.

I’m sure we have all, even in our religious days, told God to go stuff it a time or two, questioned it’s will, or even its very existence. I know I did a time or two… while still going to church way back when. But even now, after years away from organized religion in general and after months on the LHP. this was the first time I KNOW I really meant every word. I was angry yes. Enraged even. But in hindsight, as I type this out, no longer angry at all, I realize, just how little was really out of anger, but instead was simply truth that happened to be said in an angry tone.

I thought I had come to new conclusions months ago. I assumed that was why I was on here in the first place. But tonight I realized, really understood that I was still walking in both worlds, walking into the darkness with a flashlight on to still follow the light so to speak. Using love and light and God as almost a safe line, a protection from the forces of utter darkness (which is also where truth lies) For a second or two, while driving (somehow safely, while admittedly still well aware of speeding and not exactly caring less) I know I saw my true nature, that sense of rage, that power, that "move or I’ll f***ing move you mentality. For the first time I did not on some level fear my own sense of power. I only wanted more of it, wanted to get angrier, to tear down the thing that had wasted so much time I could have been getting somewhere. And I sensed in that second that my allies so far, were pleased.

I am considering a ritual to make it official. That final F you to God. My commitment to this path, to the darkness and the demonic, of self service and ascension. Any ideas? I posted once about hearing my name called by an unseen voice repeatedly. This happens more now. Al the time lately. I’ve heard it several times daily for the past week or so again. Something is building, I can tell.

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pushing away from something doesn’t necesarily get you going in the direction you want to go, it just gets you away from where you don’t want to be.

have a secondary plan to get underway once you’ve put some distance between yourself and the object of your hatred (and thus by proxy, your hatred itself).

and be open to the possibility that the god you’re rebelling against may just be your Self.

kind regards, Tj.

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I think a ritual to mark this is a brilliant idea, even if (as TJ says) the “god” you’re rebelling against was within you, it was still hacked, programmed and controlled by ideas and concepts that were destroying you!

As I posted here, it was screwed-up concepts from the RHP, new age, politics, and similar things that had brought me to the point of wanting to take my own life several times over - it doesn’t matter where those things were housed, all that matters is they were toxic and once I realised this, I worked hard to get rid of them, and I absolutely think it would be a good use of your time and energy to mark this moment and declare it a new beginning. :slight_smile:

As for what rituals, I don’t have any ideas on this right now but do you have any of E.A.'s books? The darkness exercise in WoD for example might be good for this, embracing darkness without fear, but I’m not sure what’s available to you.

But rituals have power and validity, and I think they help us measure turning points and honour this kind of major change.

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Just get creative. In this instance it might not be such a bad idea to check out some Satanic websites by googling for Satanic rituals to denounce god and go from there. You can always customize or edit out anything you feel uncomfortable doing but the idea of such a ritual is not to have a bunch of tools and blood and unmentionable items on hand anyway, the idea is to formally denounce god and tell him to take a flying leap so really, no tools are necessary unless you want a chalice and athame for symbolic reasons.

I did a ritual of such nature a few years back with no tools except incense to symbolize that my message to god would be carried away by the element of air and sent to the ‘heavens’ to be heard. But don’t ask me to share what I said exactly because this has been so long ago I forgot, since I didn’t follow a formal ritual plan I just sort of winged it and spoke in improv anyway. I just denounced him formally and out loud and tried to be as blasphemous and against the bible as possible by doing things that go against his supposed word.

I got high during the ritual just to show that I was not respecting my body temple in a way that was sacred to him, me and my friend cut ourselves and drank each other’s blood to act on carnal and un-natural impulses, then me and my friend (also a female) had lesbian affairs just to go against the concept of man and woman only relationships as well as against traditional marriage. And later that evening we dressed up as clergy members and went door to door praying with people and laughing during the prayer to mock the idea of praying to a god and to signify that such control is in your own hands and a god is not needed to beg for help. So my ritual was a bit over the top and borderline black mass but hey, got to make it count right?

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i’m totally coming along on your next bisexual, self-abusive, intoxicated, cannibalistic ritual excursion.

it sounds like more fun than charging sigils via the death posture, or trying to get sex magic to work when all you’ve got is yourself for company =|

-Tj

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I remember when I was young, I promised god I’d stop masturbating if he’d save my rotting teeth. :slight_smile:

That, my friend, is more accurate than you know. Instead of light, it’s attention you focus and direct. All magic flows from that, in my opinion at least.

According to that flashlight illumination model, you only see what’s in the beam. Essentially, everything requires your attention to exist. Prayer is effective, because if done properly, it’s a period of sustained focused attention on a specific thing.

Don’t. You’ve wasted enough attention on it. The best and most reliable way to defeat just about anything in a lucid dream is to ignore it into oblivion, since every thing requires your attention to exist. Again in my opinion, this is the essence of banishing.

To go through the effort and waste your precious attention on it is the foundation of karma. If you’re going to be done with it, be done with it.

That said, don’t be so quick abandon your religious heritage. The only problem with religion is they think their point of view to be the only true one. You can’t really blame religions for that, it’s a fault of people in general. Just saying, odds are you have a solid foundation which in theory you already know how to use.

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Trying to be “good” or “evil” is worthless because those ideals are just labels people like to put on functionalities that run reality. Rather then trying to do either of those things I would say just try to be something that works well for whatever it is you want to do.

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The labels of good and evil are something that religion impounds into peoples minds and in order to rid oneself of religious thinking one needs to also rid themself of good and evil concepts. So a good way to do this, a way that many people choose to do this, is to have a ceremony or ritual of some sort in where they attempt to defy their false god by doing everything they can that is against the main religious book of their culture in order to not only prove that by doing so, god did not come down and strike them with lightning for being blasphemous but also as a way to formally denounce what once stood in their way i.e. god, good, and evil.

It’s only a mental thing but the links that many religions will go to, to program people, some need to have a formal ritual to feel satisfied that they have officially let go and can move on. I have never been a christian so it never stood in my way, my ritual was about proving a point to my friends who were interested in black magick but too afraid of defying god to move on. I was proving to them that nothing bad would happen if their so called god was deliberately defied.

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IMHO this is your mistake - firstly you have to understand what good represents.

J

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Don’t. You’ve wasted enough attention on it.[/quote]

Pretty much, this. I wouldn’t tell anyone how to break the chains that bind, as everyone is different. However, I’ve seen more than once, that rituals, blaspheming, etc., actually hold those mental chains in place, for the exact reason The Cusp has stated: attention. If you continue to place attention on something you’re rejecting, you won’t let go. Ever.

It always makes me chuckle and shake my head when I read someone saying “spent an hour blaspheming the Christian God”, or “destroyed a Bible with a crucifix, then burned the whole lot”. This coming from people who claim not to believe in the Christian God, or Jesus. Why are you wasting time and energy on something you claim not to believe? Why not, instead, put that time and energy into meditating, or working on a spell, or doing a ritual? IMHO, giving all that time/energy to things Christian, only keeps you bound to it.

What freed my mind, and I’m not saying it’s the right way for everyone, was studying things that weren’t Christian. As I opened my mind to Hinduism first, then the Occult, Magick, etc., I found myself less and less hung up on the Christian world view. It was a very gentle and easy parting of the ways. In The Cusps words, I simply stopped paying attention to Christian thought.

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^ I agree, I think it depends on how your mind works, and how much you want to celebrate the event etc.

I’ve done both types, for different major changes, personally being quite a positive person I think an upbeat celebration might be nice.

But neither can I deny the power of the day I “unbaptised” myself from all Xian programming, thought and action - I nearly fainted on the train coming home JUST from the energy shifts, and I was never once in my life a practicing Xian, this was just the way it had soaked into me through the culture.

When in doubt, break out some divination! :slight_smile:

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nods that’s what I meant when I alluded to there needing to be a more positive direction at the end of the day.

Now rebellion and blasphemy etc has its place if one feels the need to distance oneself from the past, as per LaVeyan philosophy and the concept of over-compensation in order to redress a great imbalance. Although I was never voluntarily Christian, I still live in the Christian household of my extended family who raised me, and when I began identifying with Satanism almost sixteen years ago, I spent some time performing ceremonies of general blasphemy and Christian inversion.

Now, I was perfectly well-aware that it was a temporary “cleansing” or “deprogramming” of the symbolism and ideology I had been taught at Sunday school, the religious classes at elementary school and that sort of thing. Immediately thereafter, I began the practise of my volitional religion in ernest, and I no longer felt the need to rebel. Until I took the time to overly rebel, however (which felt silly, even back then, and I knew it…), it still felt like what I was doing (in choosing a new religion for myself) was wrong, forbidden, evil and just plain unacceptable. And, that’s just from what I had absorbed via osmosis! I was never even really a Chrsitian to begin with!

Of course, I wasn’t opposing god, but rather, I was opposing the religion of my predecessors which I’d had chosen for me, rather than having been given the choice, at any age. It was simply not allowed, and in this case, it just happened to be Christianity. So, I wasn’t rebelling against god, but I was instead rebelling against Christianity, using LaVeyan techniques of inversion to “get over” the right-and-wrong morality of my extended family. It’s important to realise that, at this point I had already been a rational atheist for some time, and I am by training a medical scientist, but I was still frightened by just the name of Satan.

That is, no matter my interest in anthropology, history, religion etc, just hearing or reading the name gave me a chill, and at times, it still does to this day, which I really don’t understand. The same goes for Lucifer et. al., which is really quite sad because it shows just how early they began to get at my mind, and highlights why rituals of inversion were so useful / necessary at the time.

One of the most useful and important things that E.A. ever taught me, however (and I will have to paraphrase here, unless someone can find the source for me)… Was that rebellion only serves so-much of a purpose, and that you can’t create something positive simply by the denial of something else. That is, you can’t expect rebellion alone to provide you with a new, positive direction, but merely to give you the distance and “breathing room” you need to be able to see clearly enough to decide what that new direction should be.

Once this has been achieved, then you need to decide for yourself where you want to go from there, and begin the trek under you own power, and not the inertia that you picked up by pushing away the old ideology. In fact, that kind of suggests that there’s two rebellions going on, one after the other. The first is rebellion against what you no longer want to be, then the second is a rebellion against wherever the first one has taken you. The first step is a step away from the past, and the second is a step into the future.

Actually that’s a really nice way of putting it! I’m glad I thought that up… :stuck_out_tongue:

Yes… The first step is a step away from the past, and the second is a step toward to the future.

They may be on very different trajectories, however, and that is why the ideal of rebellion can only serve a purpose for so long, as another change of direction will soon be required, and the initial inertia alone is not enough. If they happened to be the same, then that would be some kind of neat alchemical thing where you transmuted your established religion into the second by way of rebellion. I believe this would be the case for “devil worshippers”, as the whole idea is one of inversion anyway, so all one need do is blaspheme and invert, and you’re done, really. for everyone else, there are two distinc steps; the first being rebellion, the second being the adoption of a new religion or philosophy (including atheism or some kind of non-religion).

The first exists solely to make the second one possible, and the second can happen without the need for the first, depending upon the proclivities of the individual, where they are in their life, and that kind of thing. In my humble experience, I would say that it’s good to let a little time pass and to perform a series of smaller inversion rituals rather than one big one. Lay out a game-plan for five or six rituals maybe a couple weeks apart, with each one targeting a specific aspect of the old religion, so that you systematically cover a lot of idological ground.

Also, the protracted time frame means that your subconscious gets used to the idea(s) of what you’re doing, and hopefully, will get bored of the process before you’ve finished all the rituals. Boredom implies ambivalence or indifference, which is where you want to be with all this. There’s no point getting all worked-up either for, or against the old religion, because you’re still connected to it, as chef1964 noted, above. You really just want to reach a point where you just don’t care either way, so you’re free to choose your own path without the influence (or guilt) of the old ideas. Time allows this to happen, as well as giving things a chance to settle in / down, so you have perspective and a long enough period to be able to clearly explore and decide between your various options.

Hope this helps, makes sense and doesn’t sound too much like preaching:)

yours, Tj.

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Lady Eva and TJ, well said. All of us who’ve grown up in a “Christian Country”, even if it was never practiced, are indoctrinated to a greater or lesser extent. It’s unavoidable. Religion infuses every aspect of a culture.

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Much obliged:)

Of course, the Lady says it so much better than I, without the need to ramble like a superfluous moron XD

And, unlike Mz. Eva being an upbeat and positive person, I’m a negative, brooding, fatalistic Capricorn. I don’t mean to be a cynical bastard, but I am, so that’s how everything comes out LOL. A celebration, as suggested sounds like a great idea. As death is a time of celebrating one’s life (if only for the survivors), this could be considered the natural death of the old ideology and the beginning of something better, with the “blood of the old mak[ing] good fertiliser for the seeds of the new”, or something to that effect, perhaps?

At the end of the day, whether blasphemy or celebration, just make sure you enjoy yourself and make preparations to move on into something better, oer perhaps just the great unknown.

-Tj

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Some great points raised here! BB, I have totally been where you describe! I think the 1st step is realising that if people are stepping on you, it is time to get the fuck off the floor. The world is full of ingrates, thieves and bullies. Hate those people, but don’t get stuck in that “couldron of hate”. Why boil a couldron in the 1st place, unless you want something to come out? What is it that you want?
As for a ritual, the Black Mass from Anton LaVey’s “The Satanic Rituals” is a good place to start. Dedicate the Mass to your ultimate goal and destination. Make any modifications you wish. Hell, I actually like this whole couldron idea! Boil a couldron (if practical) and have a collection of objects that symbolise the falsehoods that have fucked up your life. Maybe a quartz crystal could symbolise the New Age movement. Hold that crystal and channel your hatred of the hypocrisy, the New Age fluff bunnies and their shallow puddle minds, everything you hate about them and when that hate is exhausted, throw the crystal into the couldron. Do the same with the other symbolic objects. You might want something to represent Xtianity, something to symbolise the people who have used and abused you. Once all objects have been thrown in, see that which you desire manifest in the rising steam. Once the water has evaporated, close the ritual and dispose of what remains in the couldron. I would even throw it on a rubbish dump, to symbolise good riddance to bad rubbish, though some might prefer a river, provided of course, it won’t poison the water.
Of course you don’t have to denounce everything in your past, just the parts that haven’t served you. Turn your back and start heading in the right direction, once you know where you’re going. I sincerely wish you well.

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[quote=“Lilithflower, post:15, topic:6475”]Some great points raised here! BB, I have totally been where you describe! I think the 1st step is realising that if people are stepping on you, it is time to get the fuck off the floor. The world is full of ingrates, thieves and bullies. Hate those people, but don’t get stuck in that “couldron of hate”. Why boil a couldron in the 1st place, unless you want something to come out? What is it that you want?
As for a ritual, the Black Mass from Anton LaVey’s “The Satanic Rituals” is a good place to start. Dedicate the Mass to your ultimate goal and destination. Make any modifications you wish. Hell, I actually like this whole couldron idea! Boil a couldron (if practical) and have a collection of objects that symbolise the falsehoods that have fucked up your life. Maybe a quartz crystal could symbolise the New Age movement. Hold that crystal and channel your hatred of the hypocrisy, the New Age fluff bunnies and their shallow puddle minds, everything you hate about them and when that hate is exhausted, throw the crystal into the couldron. Do the same with the other symbolic objects. You might want something to represent Xtianity, something to symbolise the people who have used and abused you. Once all objects have been thrown in, see that which you desire manifest in the rising steam. Once the water has evaporated, close the ritual and dispose of what remains in the couldron. I would even throw it on a rubbish dump, to symbolise good riddance to bad rubbish, though some might prefer a river, provided of course, it won’t poison the water.
Of course you don’t have to denounce everything in your past, just the parts that haven’t served you. Turn your back and start heading in the right direction, once you know where you’re going. I sincerely wish you well.[/quote]

Sure I can see how this would seem liberating but what use is it if you’re setting yourself up to fall back into the same bad habits? I’m only assuming this because the OP said she was going to commit herself to the darkness and demonic. Without clarification on what this darkness and demonic could be to her, one could only assume on a site like this that she’s trading one deity for another. Instead of just using a ritual by Anton Lavey without any forethought, I think the best course of action is to read and understand The Satanic Bible first, then do the same for The Satanic Rituals. Afterwards, give this information some time to digest, put it under scrutiny if you need to and decide if this “path” is right for you. Jumping into a ritual like the Black Mass without understanding the very meaning behind it is just plain foolish. The true nature of this ritual goes against what most of the members here actually believe in. Just saying…

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Blazewind is a female, by the way.

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I fixed my post. Thanks.

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Haha thanks.
Yeah, I am a female.

Anyways, I’ve been reading over replies on this thread. Its all great food for thought and even a good kick in the butt so to speak. I’ve been thinking about all this since I made my post after that episode of anger.

The fact is that I am still very new to this. I’m still finding my place on the LHP. I know I am left hand path for sure. Going backwards makes no sense to me, and I consider this an “upgrade” in understanding. But what does the left hand mean to me, I’m not exactly sure yet. I know that a “darker” path appeals to me, but that means something different to everyone and I can’t yet define what it is to me.

I do know that I resonate very strongly with the idea that the strong, the relentless, the determined, the powerful will succeed. Compassion has it’s place, but lay down in the middle of a battlefield and can we really question why we got stepped on? My interest is in part about understanding and living that animal part of human nature. Survival of the fittest, do what it takes to be the one to come out on top. That’s the main reason I am so hard on “the meek shall inharate the earth” thinking. When is the last time I or anyone look at anything living that is NOT a human being and saw the meek, the weak,or the one shaking in fright come out on top? Nature seems to dictate that typically int he animal world that would either get you eaten or you’d get very hungry very fast.

I think that my anger is mostly about the life of being taught to be weak. Be weak, assume I cannot do much under my own power and that I am nothing and should be grateful for my smallness. I feel like I was so enraged at the guilt I was taught to feel just for the “crime” of wanting to be more, for being told to hate selfishness. I have morals, I have ethics, I have lines I will not cross, and somehow that made it logical once to assume that I needed the limits of right hand thinking. If anything I was as mad at myself for falling for that, for believing I am meant to accept weakness, as I was at any God or religion.

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Haha thanks.
Yeah, I am a female.

Anyways, I’ve been reading over replies on this thread. Its all great food for thought and even a good kick in the butt so to speak. I’ve been thinking about all this since I made my post after that episode of anger.

The fact is that I am still very new to this. I’m still finding my place on the LHP. I know I am left hand path for sure. Going backwards makes no sense to me, and I consider this an “upgrade” in understanding. But what does the left hand mean to me, I’m not exactly sure yet. I know that a “darker” path appeals to me, but that means something different to everyone and I can’t yet define what it is to me.

I do know that I resonate very strongly with the idea that the strong, the relentless, the determined, the powerful will succeed. Compassion has it’s place, but lay down in the middle of a battlefield and can we really question why we got stepped on? My interest is in part about understanding and living that animal part of human nature. Survival of the fittest, do what it takes to be the one to come out on top. That’s the main reason I am so hard on “the meek shall inharate the earth” thinking. When is the last time I or anyone look at anything living that is NOT a human being and saw the meek, the weak,or the one shaking in fright come out on top? Nature seems to dictate that typically int he animal world that would either get you eaten or you’d get very hungry very fast.

I think that my anger is mostly about the life of being taught to be weak. Be weak, assume I cannot do much under my own power and that I am nothing and should be grateful for my smallness. I feel like I was so enraged at the guilt I was taught to feel just for the “crime” of wanting to be more, for being told to hate selfishness. I have morals, I have ethics, I have lines I will not cross, and somehow that made it logical once to assume that I needed the limits of right hand thinking. If anything I was as mad at myself for falling for that, for believing I am meant to accept weakness, as I was at any God or religion. [/quote]

I think it’s a bit onanistic for anyone to start jumping into rituals if they’re not sure what this path means to them yet. There is way too many people out there who decide to be a “satanist” overnight and wonder why their rituals fail. That’s why I said what I said. I think the rituals can be put on hold for now because it’s time for you to discover who you are and what all this stuff means to you. There’s plenty of literature out there that can help you with this. I think you already know what I would suggest but other than this I would recommend Koetting’s work if you want to understand the fundamentals of soul travel and evocation.