3 days ago I had a major panic attack. It hit me out of nowhere. I was sitting down, watching a movie. I don’t know what caused it, but all of a sudden my heart was racing. Beating well beyond the rate it beats during an intense workout. My heart rate never exceeds 160 bpm, and it was well above and beyond that. To the point where it was painful.
My first thought was heart attack. The sudden jump in heart rate, the sharp pains… It wasn’t until I couldn’t breathe that I realized what it was. When I came to that point of realization I heard a voice. It said, and I quote “So easily I could snuff out your mortal life.”, followed by another burst of pain and another spike in my heart rate. At that point my heart began to stutter. So I was actually afraid for my life, I thought that’s where I was going to die. I accepted it. My first instinct was to turn to my dad and my brothers who were in the back seat to tell them I love them. But then something else took over. It got mad, and it wouldn’t give up. What ever this spark was, because of it I was able to slow my heart and get my body back to normal.
It lasted 40 minutes. It wasn’t until we were at the doors of the hospital that it stopped.
I heard the voice twice. Again when we pulled up to the hospital. This time it said “Let me show you what it would really be like to have nothing.”, and then suddenly I wasn’t in the car anymore. I was in a padded room wearing a straight jacket. Isolated from the world for the rest of my life. The voice said it had the power to do this.
That it could kill me, just like that. That it could steal every last ounce of sanity that I have left in me. By the snap of a finger.
After that my mind just went quiet. It’s been quiet ever since. I can’t remember the last time it’s been this quiet. No worries, no anything. No thought crosses my mind unless I make it.
I’ve also had some minor after shocks, for lack of a better way to explain it. Smaller panic attacks. The second one only lasted 10 minutes, then 5, and now nothing.
I now have the ability to control my heart rate in a way that I never could. I can make it beat as fast as it was that night. And when I do… Every electronic device nearby goes nuts. It happened when I was in a room with my father watching netflix. I left, it was fine. i came back, it starts again.
And this morning I got in a fight with my 11 year old brother. My heart rate got out of control, and the only thing running through my mind was “I hope you get sick, you little shit.” so that he didn’t get to go trick or treating tonight.
He gets home from school, I see him and for what ever reason my heart rate goes off. Suddenly he’s puking. He’s overcome with pain, and he’s laying on the floor moaning.
Anyone have any idea how to explain any of this?