Something I’ve recently learned about myself

General Discussion
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So I was on YouTube and found a video on different types of attachment issues. I discovered that, by the video, I am the anxious and avoidant type. This means that I CRAVE meaningful (maintained and healthy) relationships, but I worry about hurting or being hurt, so I sabotage my own chances.

In a previous post, I asked if I should start with light to regenerate the spirit or darkness to face my weaknesses. I should’ve also added “nature to fortify the foundation”. Basically I’m worried that if I go with light, I’ll get addicted to the sense of healing and end up becoming complacent. On the other hand, I’m afraid that I’m not strong enough to bare whatever challenges the darkness gives to me.

Healing means comfort, not strength. Healing someone in a game means they get another chance to fight, but it’s useless if they don’t possess the power to survive the fight.

What I’m deciding to do is work a majority of the time with light for now to not only heal but connect. Once I feel as if I’m at a good point, I’ll descend downward.

My problem with magick is the same as with people. I call out for the gods and spirits, but I don’t actually let them in. Internally I’m too busy trying to rebel. The reason why is because I don’t feel my entity is validated. So I end up closing people off with a “I’ll show them” type attitude. Very immature. The esoteric sees this and responds by leaving me alone.

I have to realize NO ONE INVALIDATES ME. No one (important) questions my being but me. I am me. I have unique qualities and perspectives. They serve, or will serve, a greater purpose in the universe and I can, and will, reap the rewards. I need to stop thinking the spirits will reject me.

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I disagree with this. Healing means strength, not comfort, because strength is required to survive healing. A fever can kill you if it lasts too long and crashes your system.

However, if you survive healing you will come out even stronger generally. When bones heal, they become stronger at the break. When your body heals itself of an injury, the injured area is fortified by scar tissue, making it stronger. When the body overcomes a virus, it develops antibodies, making its resistance stronger.

From what you have said, I would recommend working with the elements themselves, rather than the spirits, be they of Light or Darkness. Learn to harness the energies themselves to help build you up and solidify your foundations before moving up or down. Then trust won’t be an issue.

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Would you recommend a book?

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New Hermetics by Jason Newcomb.

It’s a modern paring down of Bardon’s Initiation Into Hermetics and is mostly mental magick and accessing elemental energies, combined with NLP techniques so it doesn’t require a lot of ritual space since it is all in your head.

I feel it would be very helpful for you.

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