Some requests hit so hard it's almost scary (A very

While others are so subtle they go unnoticed.

I had an experience the last 48 hours that blew my mind and it was all a learning experience I’m not quite through. Still digesting.

One thing is for sure: Be careful what you tell spirits in passing. Remarks about your hopes for a relationship with them can lead to some crazy stuff. Especially when telling them you want their perspective.

Long story short I went on an LSD fueled adventure with an ultra sensual hippie girl from Latvia. We have some amazing deep talks and I end up on the floor at her place going at it like crazy (on DMT too) with some profoundly strong sexual energy between us. Some of the best I’ve ever felt dance together really.

The entire ordeal fell into my lap passively. She got my number, invited me, offered the LSD, and did 99% of the sexual escalating. Not anything that really “just happens” on a typical Sunday evening unless I’m mid golden era and have “the vibe” going even if I’m buying groceries.

Somewhere near the last 10% of her peaking into her neurology shooting fireworks she decides she really doesn’t like primality and stops the encounter. I pull way way back, and hold her to lay and talk about it. There was zero sign of her not loving being manhandled and it came out of nowhere after we transitioned to her bedroom because, well fuck rug burns… Serotonergic substances + eroticism = Literal hours of amazing deep play times.

It turns into her really not feeling comfortable despite her making nearly every single move to make it all happen. Including very enthusiastic “Take me!” consent.

The next 20 minutes turn into me trying to help her feel safe and comfortable saying we can just hang out for a bit instead of having to do anything physical. Even saying “I’m not going to fuck you unless you say ‘please.’” The damn language barrier makes this whole talk way harder than it should have been and she took it as “I’m going to ravage you if I ever hear the word ‘please’ come out of your mouth.” Bad misunderstanding to say the least…

Everything I do to help her feel safe only stresses her out and I realize the most incredible trip i’ve ever had had turned into a terrible one so I just say “I’m going to go home. I had a lot of fun this evening, hope you have a great night.”

I’m holding onto my ass with both hands thinking I could potentially be in legal trouble because this girl who was very very sexually aggressive towards me ended up feeling like she didn’t have her boundaries respected despite me following my extremely strict “hard red safeword” policy anyone worth the air they breathe should follow (didn’t establish an official word yet as it hadn’t progressed into D/s play yet) though any sign of reluctance should be talked about

I spent 36 hours stressing about possibly losing everything because despite the best of Intentions and showing complete Respect for her boundaries and volition, her experience was she felt threatened. Not a place any man wants to ever be in.

I send a text the next day saying I’d be open to having a conversation to talk about things from a clearer space and get no reply all day.
I call out to my spirits, do some crisis Magick and lo and behold Slavic honey sends me a text saying she’s up to meet and “found our connection remarkably deep.”

Turns out she loved the dynamic yet we had a peak moment where a DMT “soul kiss” happened and we energetically delved into the deepest parts of each others souls. That and something about submission terrified her despite being erotic beyond belief and the acid didn’t help either side in expressing/infering our points. I had the inkling to go for a more tantric night yet I felt Azazel invoke into me and shine boldly and animalistic as hell as we neared the final half hour of extended foreplay.

The point? Azazel had told me that once you shine bright enough even those on the path to ascent will be terrified of true unrestricted power.

I was hiking back to the car from a hot spring with her and we split off to have some inner dialogue with the LSD and I found myself talking to Azazel.

He told me about why a lover I bonded very very deeply with ran off and that was why, she couldn’t handle intimacy at that level. He told me all the Gatekeepers and Kings deal with this and working with them will do that to you as well. It connects you to unlimited power that cannot be known by most in your life without scaring them.

I told Azazel I wanted to know him on the deeper levels at some point once I was capable of handling it. I sympathized that spirits must be lonely not being able to be completely known at the very deepest levels by even serious practioners. Part of my wound is I show my deepest self and very few can handle it so I keep the last drawbridge up even when I connect with most my partners.

She talked about how it scared her going that deep with anyone and I suspect she has both a wound to work through in the submission area (most people are scarred as all hell emotionally anyway, this is the first I’ve seen of this type in someone who isn’t a natural domme and even then most have very intense switch tendencies) as well as being terrified of that level of intimacy.

I even told her “look, if we continue doing this at some point you will catch feelings for me. It’s impossible not to when you spend that kind of time with a person long enough when it’s this good. I’m always going to be very very real with you so it’s safe to be human, safe to be vunerable with me. When that day comes I want you to tell me and we will talk about it. I’ll never do anything that will outright hurt you. You know I’m polyamorous and if that’s not a win for you then I wish you the best. I’d love to continue and see where this goes but no matter what I respect your decision. You’re your own woman and we can take this however you’re comfortable.”

Somehow that was taken as “I’m going to do anything and everything to you because I take what I want”

I’m freaked out and then relief comes. Part of what we talked about in the hot spring with a cool stranger afraid of trying acid was “You’re afraid to lose control? Why do you think you’re at all in control of your life outside of your decisions?”

This was another lesson Azazel taught me. Something I’ve been working on is my OCD which tries to control everything through spontaneous ritual.

I got a deep understanding of the Moon card and all these other lessons with it.

Anyone else get magical experiences that come outol of nowhere like a modded side quest in some RPG game? This was an Azazel side quest that showed me a ton about Magick and my own influence in given situations. With certain Magick nothing can go wrong, other times, nothing can go right. Then there’s some that are perfect lessons.

He’s a very interesting fellow for sure. Never underestimate his power hahaha, subtlety is huge with him. Definitely some angel qualities to how he works