Interest in sharing what you see as your first formative experience that highlighted your future path? For example, I recall AP’ing at age six and hovering just below the ceiling for what seemed to be an interminable span of time, and knowing intuitively I could not speak of it to others. I also recall being captivated and propelled by the Gustave Dore engravings in a copy of Dante’s Inferno at the same age, and instinctively knowing that Xtianity was BS, and I would have to discover the real truth on my own.
When I was younger, I was visiting a friend’s house and they had a poltergeist. At the time I was just learning how to harness my energy, had my first reiki attunement and and was generally learning how to make sense of everything. My initial encounter with the spirit was fairly uneventful so I thought I may as well just forget about it. They had a newborn in the house at the time, and one day this spirit almost made a pile of pots and pans fall on him, missing by about an inch, so I figured it was time to get rid of this thing.
I had no idea what I was doing, but I got everyone out of the place, went in alone, and essentially told the spirit, “come at me bro”. It did, and gave me the very distinct sensation that I was losing my sanity, falling deeper and deeper into a black pit of negativity fairly quickly. I fought it, but it was made apparent to me that I was already in over my head. I didnt know how to call on spirits then, how to banish, or anything of that nature, so I was basically SOL.
I still dont know where the idea came from, probably instinct, but at that point I invited the spirit into my body, told it that I gave up and was at it’s mercy. It immediately dove into my chest and started taking over, at which point I started filling my body with as much light as possible. At first the spirit kinda laughed, but then seemed to realize that there was way more energy there than it could handle and tried to leave my body. I kept it in there, and kept pushing more and more light into it, like filling a balloon, until it exploded, and I could feel the bits of darkness hitting my inner walls like a bunch of bouncy balls. I immediately ran to the sink and coughed up something black and nasty, and passed out on the floor.
For the next three days I was coughing up blood in the shower, but I didnt mind, because for the first time, I had physical reassurance that this stuff was REAL, that I was not crazy like everyone said, and there was no going back.
(for what its worth, I DONT recommend this technique to anyone. It worked…but barely)
I can relate to disillusionment at a young age with a world bereft of ready knowledge to sate a thirst for knowledge.
I was totally obsessed with movies and TV about occult and paranormal things, which I was allowed to watch as much as I wanted, and at the same time I was being bullied at school by children who I knew were less intelligent than me, stupid little sheep with not a thought in their minds (as I saw it), and outside school I was surrounded by borderline dysfunctional adults - addicts or workaholics, sometimes both - all of which made me think the straight material world sucked.
On top of that, I was also fascinated by the classical pantheons from early infancy, so I used to pray to (and later soul travel to) them, evoking them into little statues I made, my words were something like “I call you down from the High Heavens and into this image made with love.”
Which meant I had to stare down the threats of hell from school assembly and so on, which was Church of England oriented but touched on “idolatry” and the evils of thinking there were other gods, long before my age was in double figures. I also started doing spells and stuff quite early on, and again I knew that was “go straight to hell” thing - and many times when things went wrong for my family, I started to think it was my fault for being this evil witch-child, but I never once gave in.
So it was pretty much a foregone conclusion for me to escalate this, once I got teenage hormones out the way.
I was called to the eastern phylosophies due to anime at a very young age, and to drugs… that kind of showed me that there was something more to the normal thing but didn’t really gave much, so many years happened before I got into chaos magic and such and such.
my family wasn’t into church stuff so I got far from it from an early age and so did my friends… they all had interest in the occult but nowdays I’m the only one, because they got into other stuff and they -I think- enjoy their lifes…
Edit: I also enjoy my life (and magic has helped a lot), to be clear, and I think they do too
The wind would stop and start at my call when I was younger, though that faded away at like 12.
I can still control flames a little.
I could manipulate my physiology to the umpth degree, giving myself fevers and viruses and stuff to get out of school.
I also knew the American Revolution like the back of my hand. Like that was a past life or something.
I knew about spirits and was haunted by more than the just the dead since I was about two.
My mother recounts a clearly physically visible spirit, half of the head wolf half of the head man, appearing to her when I was still an embryo.
I can still send psychic impressions to others, demanding they look at me or something.
I’m looking for that guardian spirit that defended me when something black moved to kill me in the seventh grade. When I find the thing that did try to kill me, I will tear it limb from limb and drink from the blood that will pour. Sounds gruesome, I know, but I don’t take shit lightly.
And more stuff, too personal to post.
At the risk of sounding trite, I recall an earliest memory of a shade that mocked, cajoled and counseled against embracing the status quo religion. The shade pushed me, challenged me, and was ever constant in posing questions to me, always residing just outside the margins of my perception. Later on, I felt in debt to it for protecting me from falling prey to deception. Later still, by many years, I was driven by a curiosity to apply my skills to discern the identity of the shade, and after a time, I was successful. It was I.
That’s a pretty kickass shade you got there, then. Did you try invoking it?
Hey, has ANYONE tried invoking themselves? Not a future self or past, or godself, but THEMSELVES?
I’m right here, so where would I invoke me from? I’ve invoked “the me who knows what to do in this situation” a few times, but that’s almost more NLP than magick.
Thinking of invoking or evoking myself thirty years from now. Would be interesting to see.
The only experience I can think of is that when I was a child I was VERY sensitive to energy. Any sort of negativity thrown my way would make me burst into tears. I think I developed some sort of shielding as a self protection, because now, as an adult, I don’t feel anything, and I have been described by others as a “psychic black hole.”
Raised Protestant, I attended a Native-American sweat lodge to explore new ideas and expand my understanding. In the darkness illumined only by the red hot rocks, I took my turn intoning names of power, and for the first time, felt an indescribable energy burst that activated every nerve in my body. I had no experience in the tradition, and yet managed to achieve something I later came to understand that Robert Bruce would likely describe as “Kundalini-like”. I recall thinking shortly thereafter this energy may be akin to that which is generated in the Xtian “charismatic” movement, which I judged early on as a cult-like fish eyed and empty headed bunch. I have since replicated and surpassed this energy raising event through evocation, which provides me ownership for this type of personal power. The journey continues.
I died… While being Operated the Anaesthetist used a new anaesthetic and to much of it.
So I could watch myself and him telling how he fucked it up.
They got me back and i could tell him what he said the error was. He was shocked and i never saw him again…
since that Time i try to get my visualization and OBE to that clarity again.
After that experience, getting told that science can explain everything has let me to the Occult.
bump to bring back an interesting discussion thread
Bumping up again . When i have patience I might add mine.
I’ve always lived a bit of a repressed life but fascinated with ancient lore my fist was some Christianity but what I loved was our solar system and Greek/Roman mythology. My dad was supposedly a card carrying satanist when he met my ma and his uncle game him some bronze amulet called “eye of astaroth”. He talked of some traditional gypsies in their wagons and a pair of twin witches who could make people walk into walks, choke on the spot etc. so he talked of when he had enough and tossed the amulet into the fire during an occult meeting and the others wanted it but he said some bs in the name of god/Christ etc and it burst into white flames. I dunno. Maybe that’s why the family has been further cused all these years. He was heavy into drugs, alcohol, subsonics and experimentation on the brain. He also had a few brain injuries as a youth so I have to take this with a bag of …oooookkkkkkk!!!
But he preached the Bible, how he was a prophet and one of the two witnesses in the revelation. At times he said he was Satan or how Santa Claus was Satan Claws. He was angry, controlling etc. still, he introduced me to D&D (Moldvay edition) and c64 computer gaming. I loved reading sci-fi and fantasy and mythology. Watched movies like Conan and terminator at at 5-6 and more. (I guess I watched horror movies as a toddler with my mum).
Too much time alone. I didn’t start getting into demonology until around age 20. I had some of my dads old papers and a book (that my mum whisked away as she was afraid of it and it’s influence on me). My mom is also controlling in another way and often doubts my insights and advice; to this day. It’s her land and house I visit so.
I became enamored in sex more intently late around 92 and more so when isolated in 95. I just got dialup internet so slowly I looked up these demons (and the monster manual had similar info mostly on legions of influence). That was a start and I read but still didn’t piece together it was part of the Goetia or some similar text. I am a bit of a dunce at times and fantasy rpg’s engulfed me more than anything. 95-6 was also DIABLO DAYS and DOOM and more. So many distractions.
FF——> a bit to my back injuries and surgery. After the 2nd one I went to help my brother in 2013 with rent in Columbia Missouri. When his wife finally sold their Kansas house we all moved to a huge rental house in a very rich neighborhood and CHURCHES were everywhere of all demonization a including Mormon.
After a successful 1000 levels on PUNISHER on PD server in euo I felt depressed. And I swear during a lawn mowing I was partially loaded by some churchy spirit. There were many dreams or visions even before this but the main were of baptism (so damn real, a cave goddess warning me and exploding a cave in molten fire, Doc Holy Spirit in tight skirt and big librarian glasses showing me two bookcases, me trying to lie about a sex porn stash in an urn I hid behind a bookcase and telling two angels I’d kill them if they told anyone then her pointing after coming back behind the opposite bookcase. I was bit by a swarm of black widows).
I had deleted much of my stuff and chose nothing but solid church until 2014 when we moved to a bigger house but in an isolated area. I had learned in this time the church shuns ideas like my sacrifices and telling about Satanic dad days. There was other stuff and I left.
I was very angry and hurt my scapula. I was petitioning Raphael to aid me but got Lilith instead (perhaps the lady in fire cave). I was reading fervantly on succubi at this time and started with my first Lucifer candle ritual and denouncing the Christ church as they hurt me pretty bad emotionally. Dreams of becoming a flame being, lots of bed shaking and being boinked initially by sucubi that morphed into androgynous incubus. I was introduced to Samael and Asmodeus around this time and those 4 lasted well into 2015. I also went into a huge frenzy when I came back to the Oregon property in mid 2014. I constructed my massive triple magic walking circle, my yurt, and earth shrine to many earth deities including an odd joke one http://www.pikkiwoki.com
Or maybe not a joke since I had made 8 earth mounds around my walking structure circle. I learned invoking was something I enjoyed and would regularly try with my own rituals. Around 2015 I believe I learned of the Temple of Ascending Flame and tried the initiation ritual but I couldn’t stick to the papers and Lilith, and Asmodeus and more became part of a mental sexual orgie.
Now, mind you I’m physically celibate and never been with anyone but spirits. A choice I made as a child. Various reasons but it’s a huge sacrifice. I’ve learned to overcome various bigotries even as I struggled with my christian hate and poor lifestyle (poverty, damaged back, no college, less than honorable military discharge because my dad lied about possibly dying). Oh I have sacrificed my life to aid my ma, my pa, and get my sister out of a hostile controlling environment.
My parents have mellowed a bit in age but they still have issues and now that they have NO driver they are reliant on me to walk or bike to the local town for base supplies. (This after the last bee insanity blow up in August…).
Btw, a shoutout to my animal earth spirit biddies SKUNK & WOODPECKER for eating all the nests in bushes and deep underground.
So during this time I’ve learned about sexual magic invocation. I’ve joked about it immensely but it’s better than drugs, injection mentalism via needles, choking asphyxiation, cutting etc.
I’m addicted to spectrophilia activities. Adding to Asmodeus last year was Sitri, Sallis, Vual, and Zepar.
Now the huge problem here is I was going by pleasure and seals. I was still discounting enns, chants, and other helpful aids. I started to play with sex toys particularly prostrate ones. And it’s true, the P-spot is amazing. This shattered old bigotries but the old shame views would hit periodically.
Don’t mix too much of anal vibrators with sexual invocation. Oh the pleasure is fantastic and lubrication was used but the inside of the body are delicate and when I noticed blood… that was the end of that. Spirits did warn me. So now it’s just spirits and a kundalini like experience and I can orgasm without touching myself. But it goes deeper than that and finding ways for the spirit I work with to embed inside, root and grow. Buer was the first I learned the enn and have now spent 4 days of separate rituals. Not all are sexual and it’s usually the visitations just out of sleep that are erotic.
Pleasantly I was surprised when Asenath Mason wrote a book on sexual magic. I’ve only perused the free material at this point as money is tight and I have to purchase transportation for food shopping and more. I also have the lovely property tax man knocking soon.’
Still insight is seen and I research what I can. I’m still stuck with visions, dreams, and some mental and visual distortions like shadows or light flickers.
Why the spirits mounting me instead of going back to mount the spirit? Spirits mounting and filling my mind, heart, body, as spirit like a fuel pump. It’s a mental tool and damn it’s addictive and pleasurable. And it’s working the more I practice it. I will have to practice the enns of the earlier spirits. I still hope for a full astral whisk away on the witches Sabbat and initiation again in the fire like New Years of 2013 into 2014.
This has destroyed my sexual bigotry of same sex, trans, etc. I still don’t like agendas pushed to constrain others esp politically but I certainly don’t judge others on sex they are attracted to or their identity. Spirits do teach even if how I listen and experience is rather… PRIMAL.
(I left out much including blood rituals, and many many many of the visions).