Hello, this text will mention depression and suicide, so please, if you’re sensitive to those topics, don’t read this!
I’ve never really been particulately happy but these last days have been insane. I have depression and have tried to kill myself multiple times through high school before (I’m in college now). Last friday, after some ridiculous situation with some random guy, I took too many sleeping pills and… Yeah, I just involuntarely threw them up and lived. I have no idea why.
I’ve always been fascinated with death (I take anatomy classes) and I visit cemiteries a lot to pay respects, pray for the dead to find peace and see the memorial art (I’m not one of those people who go to those places to get drunk and listen to emocore music) but the last time I went there… I felt the air super heavy (hard to breathe), it’s hard to explain but I felt like something was trying to take control of me and guide me somewhere. I was scare and resistant at first so the feeling went away but I got curious and asked to be guided where they wanted me to go (and made myself clear that I wasn’t autorizing anyone to follow me home), I just ended up walking in circles, the feeling didn’t fully came back and yeah, it was no good. This happened before my last suicide attempt.
I decided to try a new religion so now I’m reading S. Connolly’s books on Demonolatry and meditating to try to understand what the hell is happening to me. Today I’ve had some interesting visions and I’d love if anyone more experience could guide me.
First I saw a man with a blue robe, he looked wise, had a Gandalf-like beard and I wasn’t in any way threatened by his image, he didn’t said anything and just briefly looked at me until slowly vanishing, I asked for his guidance and immediately just saw a red X, just like a giant “NO”; then I saw 6 mounts of cards, they all had one rose in them, I don’t know if that’s symbolic but I did some research and found absolutely nothing. Lastly, I saw a zombie-like woman, I felt like she wanted to intimidate me (I didn’t felt scared, though) and I believe that she was that feeling from the cemitery, I believe she wants some roses, to give me some message or to just have some recognition but I have no clue if it’s all just a lot of coincidence and, again, it’s more symbolic and I’m just creating patterns with my mind.
I’m sorry if I’m making a fool out of myself. I’m still very much a novice.
Right now I feel very alone and basically incapable of making friends (and even when I try and do get along with people well, I still feel very weird, almost dissociative, I don’t feel nothing at all). Perhaps it is important to detail but ever since I was a kid, I can sorta manipulate and feel energy all over my body (specially hands but actually anywhere) and see auras.