I see something genuine and true in this. There is nothing more beautiful to me than death.
From the earliest age I can remember, I romanticised death - literally - and it’s something I’ve been encouraged to work on, since quitting the meta-suicidal RHP path of merger, and moving towards ascent.
That for me was a simultaneously elating and terrifying embrace of life, finally expressing a hunger for it, in a way that’s I’d never dared (or desired) to do before.
The way many RHP types embrace death, whether it’s through martyrdom, ritual suicide (sati, or fasting), or our modern-day suicide bombers, makes me think I’m not the only person who felt that link - that to unite with or surrender to some external god, was to erase myself from history.
And the way many religions describe the body and material world as impure, while only God is pure, that’s also very anti-life, and against the re-sacralisation and harmonisation of the manifest material world, back to being on a par with the astral planes and the heavens.
It’s weird - that fascination with death will probably always be with me, and it’s a strength in some ways, but all my trusted spirits warn me away from it, and when Santa Muerte contacted me recently it was regardinfg birth, and then later the comprehension of creation, desire, the vital spark between one perceived object and another (I haven’t logged much of that on here yet), and the moment of conception.
She told me to stay away from her black aspect, and my spirits are always warning me if I start thinking too much about anything morbid.
ETA: I think we have a set-point for things like this as well, I’m just going to link to an earlier novel about it :o) than retype it using different words: http://becomealivinggod.com/forum/the-book-of-azazel/why-would-anyone-want-to-do-this/msg62545/#msg62545
Is it a problem?
When those things happen, when life gets tough, people who don’t have that set-point sometimes fall apart, their vision of the world as basically safe is shattered and their peace of mind along with it.
I think one of the reasons I like movies like Gravity, Moon, and the book The Martian is because they’re about people trying to survive in a reality that’s constantly trying to kill them.
I’m not some emo drama queen, in fact I’m one of the most positive people I know most of the time, but honestly, I feel that way too about the world. And like I said, I decided to say screw therapy or whatever and just embrace it.
That said, I like that guy David Neagle because he talks a lot about how not to be a “survivor” but to thrive, to live a life of mental ease and so on. I like the idea of that.
But honestly I think some part of my internal thermostat is always going to be set at red alert, and fuck it, I am what I am. At least it means I’m not afraid of taking big risks.
Obviously I’m not you, but just sharing how I see it - I think I made that choice partly because I got sick of living a life where I was expected to believe there’s something wrong with me 24/7.
If you began to choose your battles, the world might look like a different and better place? They’re going to be there anyway, imprinted in your psyche, so you might as well choose some really elegant and meaningful ones.
For me to get through life I have to always feel like I have a gun against my head in order to get the job or whatever it is done.
If that rolls over into procrastination, the book The Now Habit kind of helps untangle it. Apologies if you’re talking about a different thing, but I’ll try and sum that book up just in case.
Basically, we fear to begin or excel at some tasks, because at some stage we picked up the idea that to do something well means we’ll be stuck doing it forever, that for every hard task we complete, we won’t get suitable recuperation or credit, instead we’ll just be weighed down with more of the same (the educational system and some paremts reinforce this), so we hesitate to start a task, because we think it’s opening the gates of joy-free drudgery.
Giving consent to our own enslavement.
So, we leave things to the last minute/let them go to extremes before we act, because then we’re not making the choice to do them, it becomes “do or die.”
The author describes it like, most of us could walk 12 feet along a plank 6 inches wide, if it was flat on the floor.
BUT if that same plank was suspended between two skyscrapers 500 feet in the air, we’d be terrified, and the fear of the height is our (real life) fear of failure, success, and drudgery. Being trapped.
Going back to the plank, if the building we were stood on top of was on fire, and the flames had reached up to where we stood, we’d HAVE TO cross the plank, nerves or not - that’s his analogy for why we procrastinate and then can suddenly do something when there’s a deadline we can’t break. (I paraphrased it and probably changed some details, but you get the basic idea.)
The thing that makes this so hard for me is having the courage to really know myself and run with it.
Yeah, that’s hard work, but most people don’t even try so you’re ahead of the game.
My frequent recommendations of books on here come from my belief that we can create, and re-create, ourselves, by changing our actions, thoughts, etc.
I’ve done it myself, and I have faith it’s possible, but I know that the idea doesn’t sit well with some folks.
I don’t believe life’s so much a process of finding ourselves, as creating and shaping ourselves in ways that are in harmony with some core drives, but I think how we express those is malleable.
Now that I'm actualized I can't go on living in a world that the old me has created for myself. I'm not complaining but I hate life and everything that goes along with it because of this. I have the power to fix my situation but it will take a very long time to do so.
Are you CERTAIN about that? I don’t know the details and I’m not trying to pry, but is there any chance part of your mind’s trying to tell you that so you’ll back off and return to the safe old status quo - safe as in, known, established, etc.
Rationally I know this but it's very difficult because I've found myself stuck in between a rock and a hard place. People depend on me, to undo what I've made would make me homeless and it's all on me to figure this out.
You’re the only one who can do it, but I bet there’s an author, thinker, or someone you can find who you can like and relate to, and they’ll help. I’ve found this many times, almost every good change I’ve made in my life has come through some external source.
I don’t always like or trust other people, but books are something I can take on board and they won’t judge or annoy me.
I know I'm a crazy person because the real me without worldly limitations or laws would be like the equivalent to Ramsay Bolton from game of thrones but I want to know what it's like to share my passion with someone who can comprehend.
I don’t watch that and the wikia page for the character looks like the ramblings of a lunatic, so I got nothing on that!
But basically if you want to go round flaying other people or whatever, it’s because on some level they matter to you, or they bug you, or they get under your skin.
Anything that can rouse such intense needs is actually controlling you to some extent, we see that with serial killers, who eventually yearn to be caught so they can be free of their compulsions. Many kill themsleves as well, because the desire to take a life doesn’t go away, and they’re all they have left.
Anyway that’s maybe a bit off-topic and I’m not sure exactly what you mean with that character, but I read a lot of books about serial killers and they seem more driven than in the driving seat with their lives.
I can relate to many of your feelings. However to add to the point, It’s not difficult for me to deal with them per-se, but I do find a daily interaction with mundane people to be a challenge.
I value personal privacy, space and civility. As such, the monstrous side of me appreciates the Hannibal Lector’s desire to eat the rude.
But to remain on point here, “Physical Death” is inescapable, thus coming to terms with it must be as well for me. I have repeated to my children a romantisized phrase of death I embraced 30 years ago as a young pragmatic Marine which I honestly admire and pass on…
“Squeeze every drop of sweet nectar from your life possible, but know that when it is finally spent… A good death is it’s own reward.”