I failed to mention another factor that aided me in seeing clearly that this relationship was going nowhere. I was speaking to a colleague at a new clinic rotation I was going to. To keep this story short, this guy was everything opposite of the guy I was staying with. I let him into my spiritual world and felt like this entire cycle was happening AGAIN! I stayed awake at night now talking to this OTHER guy and venting all of my feelings about what was going on. But I was so convinced and dedicated to my path that I chose to endure the pain because I thought there was an ultimate purpose in which we would participate in and I wanted to fulfill this purpose. The guy from work didn’t understand how I would let that tie me down, and convinced me that I shouldn’t need to suffer for unseen powers. We also developed a mentally intimate relationship, and he seemed to be waiting for me to break up with the guy I was with to be with him. And as I did break up with him and move back into my apartment, I asked myself, “Do you really need to be with anyone?” This was a shock to me as I realized an embedded subconscious idea I had was that no one would want me, and a fear I had of breaking up with someone stemmed from the idea of, “well then who else would want me?” I was shocked to hear these thoughts in my head, and didn’t realize how deep those beliefs went. Long story short, the guy from work I was talking to became some-what of a stalker and would not accept me not wanting to talk to anyone being so overwhelmed with masculine energy. I ended up having to block him from every avenue which was another extremely emotionally fatiguing catastrophe that I won’t expand on.
I was even more so fragile during this time, I felt like I was going insane. My mental stability was tinkering on edge, I was crying all the time and feeling energies I had never felt before. I felt like I was taking on the pains of every entity and expelling them out of my body. The pain from all my ancestors was purging through me, and the spirit of Gaia came to me STRONG. I cried for days with her and offered her my menstrual blood, telling her we would become stronger together. At this point for the past 2 years I had been doing a ritual of some kind every full and new moon (at least). I cannot describe all the energy I put into changing and recovering from all of this chaos, and the amount of surrender it took to come back to spirit after feeling so crushed of all the hard work I had done on myself. When I was with my ex, I started watching porn again, drinking heavily again, smoking weed again, eating cooked foods again. I was a mess and completely depressed and distraught. But I could speak of it to no one without sounding insane, I had no occult friends and my family have a very fear based mentality. Silence was the only medicine. I literally had the faith of a mustard seed that any of this would play in some sort of purpose. I prayed all this was not done in vain. Meditation became more hard and so did taking care of myself. I had finished with board exams and felt the lowest I had ever felt. Every full moon I would WAIL in mental, physical and emotional AGONY. I cannot describe the pain I was tormented with. The pain would bubble, bubble, bubble up to the surface. I coped with it with dark poetry and dark rituals, painting myself completely in black charcoal and dancing naked in my mirror as if letting my demonic side take over. I surrendered myself as a vessel. I was visited by many spirits in this time of pain, I had to cut all cords and surrender my mind ultimately. Many Egyptian energies graced me like Ra, Thoth, Sekhmet, Mother Nut, Beruk(?) (healing god I can’t remember how to spell the name, so sorry). My bedroom became a temple and I painted their images on my bath tiles and bedroom walls. Every ritual had been focused on releasing old shit that was stored in my brain, so deep I had no idea. I would pray nightly, and in the middle of prayer just start wailing again in so much pain I cannot describe. I prayed, and I prayed and I prayed to be used as a vessel, I surrendered myself and my ego. I wanted a purpose, I wanted a life broken from the matrix that is. I prayed for time and how to use time wisely, I prayed for relief from pain. And as I prayed over my altar, my nose would bleed and I would let it drip and anoint my Egyptian statues with my blood as an offering as well as our energies intertwining. I spent hours on my knees, offering myself, the ultimate sacrifice. These energies that I have not been able to see were the only things I had. They were the only ones with me as I endured the most pain I have ever felt in my life. Rare were the days of ecstasy, but they were also there. Some days I would feel in complete bliss for the entire day. However most of the days were of mental torment. Questioning everything I had ever done, feeling insane with no one to help make sense of it all but the little faith I had in the presence of the energies around me. This had been going on since about June of last year. Me trying to pick up the pieces after taking what felt like a million steps backwards. A couple months later (about Aug 2019) I finally got into the rhythm of meditating and stabilizing myself again and getting used to the pain. So much so that the thought of it finally leaving made me sad because I had grown so used to its presence and darkness. This continued in ways I cannot describe and am failing to mention many details. By the end of the year in Dec 2019, I was called to fast again. I didn’t know for how long, but I knew I had to do it. During my expulsion it was obvious I had become infested with parasites, and I saw worms come out of me up until day 70 of fasting on nothing but freshly made fruit and vegetable juices. I went down to 90 pounds at 5’4" and fasted for 101 days, breaking this fast a few weeks ago. On day 80, during meditation and sitting in front of my altar, I felt an energy push me very gently. This startled me at first, but I gave in and allowed it to make its appearance. This energy started pushing me back and forth, and my spine was moving spontaneously through this certain sensitive force. The more I gave in, the more it would move me. My abdomen would start convulsing and contracting, and my spine would whip back and forth, head would whip back and forth. My muscles were being moved by external forces and if I pushed against it I would get extremely nauseous. I did not know what was going on neither had I ever heard of anything like that ever happening to anyone. Different movements would happen when I relaxed in bed, my spine would contort and make me jump on the bed. It started to move into my feet and hands. I got to know the energy and spent a lot of time with it. I moved my mattress to my outside patio and devoted my entire bedroom of my apartment to be my temple, sitting on a sheet with a sacred pentagram and circle I created for rituals. This energy has been intense and tiring. Especially when I was not eating, the amount of calories burned I was not able to keep up with drinking just juice. This energy intensified the accumulated pain that was bursting from me. I would literally feel like I was being possessed many nights as I would lie in bed screaming and crying in agony as my body would convulse, legs kicking, arms flying above my head and spine jerking around. Any outside person would have thought they were watching an exorcism movie. I have told no one about this, for it is so sacred to me. All of this began to happen at the incidence of the virus outbreak, and I can’t help but to think of a connection. I have decided it was safer at this time to basically move to my mother’s house, stuff still in my apartment, to live off of her large plot of land. I felt an overwhelming urge to need to connect to nature as the fast had taught me how incredible of an energy source oxygen is. I needed fresh air, and city life suffocated me. Since I’ve been on her property, the energy has taken over the more I spend time with it. The energy has inhabited my body completely and has learned how to use my legs, showing me areas in her yard that I believe are sacred as I get near them the magnetic energy around my heart pulses with VIGOR. The energy makes me spin around and dance! As if something is inside of me. I cannot explain all of this with the respect it needs, and the energy work is extremely tiring forcing me to lay on the earth attempting to rid of nausea and calm my heart down from what feels like a heart attack waiting to happen. Since breaking the fast the energy has been easier to deal with, as I am getting used to the energy and how to allow it.
I recently became enthralled by the teachings of A. E. Koetting, and was shocked to hear how his life turned upside down similar to mine when working with Azazel. I’m not sure of all the spirits who have been on my side, for I have evoked and invoked an army through maybe not the most “by the book” ways, but I know they are there and I feel them. I am so astounded to hear the stories of other people’s ascension process. I feel like I have been being called to darker energies for quite a while now, but have been fearful of them due to the falsities of man and their fears. I have read about the left hand path and have been so intrigued by it, but something always made me feel guilty for wanting to pursue it. Listening to A.E. Koetting, I have felt the presence of love coming from a deep, dark place. When I say the name Lucifer in my mind, a presence wraps around me with a powerful, dark source of love. At the same time I felt the presence of Santa Muerte- right before Orlee’s chat about her which I thought was amazing. I just finished a novena dedicating myself to her with wishes of gaining wisdom and knowledge of the death current. I used to fear calling out Lucifer and his name, but the energy feels so different now. I am truly embracing and am humbled by the intertwining energies of light and darkness. I am excited that my fears of looking into more energies is subsiding, and I think it would be awesome to know that the energy that was helping me was indeed Azazel, but I do not wish disrespect to any spirit if it was not and I am grateful to all my ancestors, angels, demons, and guides who have aided me in my ascension, and I know this is only the beginning.
If you were able to read all of this, I greatly appreciate your time and allowing me to share the story I have told no souls. Peace be with you, and I’m excited to get to know all of you! And I am thankful for this community.