I read in one of Koetting’s books a story about a friend of his working with beelzebub (I think). Maybe it was Azazel. So it ended with his friend jumping into a lake of fire. The friend died but was reborn, basically recreated into a new version on himself. I liked this idea so much I used it in my fiction writing.
However, I want to be recreated myself. I deal lots of anxiety and depression. I live in a world where I expect people to be rigid and unwelcoming. Because I’m on the spectrum, I believe people will misinterpret my actions. So I take cautious steps prevent this from happening. This makes me look even peculiar. My therapist says I create this energy around me and others pick up on it. I feel like I can’t feel pleasure, or connection. Just anxiety, cynicism, and resentment. I feel pressured to do this or be that. Very little I do outside my writing is ever done for the basic pleasure or enjoyment. I live in a world that does not welcome me, but still keeps me prisoner.
I want to be recreated into a newer version of myself without anxiety or anger. I want to be someone advances himself out of interest first and ambition second. Someone who ATTRACTS positive and warm attention from others instead of cold isolation. Someone who is a bright flame that inspires others instead of a walking shell of gloom.