I really didn´t know where to post this so feel free to move it to a more appropriate section.
To give some context first of what happened:
I am an extremely empathetic individual, so much so that I sometimes reach a point where it becomes hard to just be myself, where emotions overwhelm me, where I can´t think straight etc.
Recently I was watching a podcast which losely revolved around accepting oneself. At some point the girl being interviewed about her life said something to the extent of “maybe I don´t like people that much”. I think she was also empathetic but she was also describing how she likes being alone at times which I enjoy too. When she said that sentence something in me clicked and from one moment to the next I almost became the opposite of myself (maybe I fully became my shadow?). I felt nothing. Not evil, not necessarily malevolent but rather nothing really. And it also wasn´t a depressive nothingness, which Im also very intimate with, but it wasn´t that. It was just nothingness, abscence of emotion and my thinking became incredibly cold, logical and straightforward. Like I could see things in a way I can´t normally.
I REALLY enjoyed this state, I actually loved it, which I know is weird saying I loved it but not feeling emotions but it was incredibly pleasant to be this way. I was in this state for approximately 10-15 minutes and it came to an abrupt end.
I felt Lucifer coming to me and absorbing/taking away this state from me, like literally transfering it from me to him. I got really really mad because I enjoyed it so much and I didnt understand why he would take it away from me. I told him that I really didn´t appreciate what he was doing and he gave me some sort of blackness, some black mass/energy in return. He put it right inside my belly.
Im making this post in hopes that someone might know what this black mass could be or why he put it there. Even ideas on what it could potentially be are most welcome.
Im not at the point where I have my senses opened so much that I can just ask him and Im somehow under the impression that he wants me to discover what it is.
The fact that he put it in my belly made me think of the spiritual pregnancies Ive read about on here but Id be really suprised if it is a pregnancy. For one, when I read these stories, I thought that I a) wasn´t ready for something likes this right now and b) don´t want something like this right now.
I thought about it further and came up with the idea that it could be something I have to nourish, maybe a way to awaken something in me, but Im not sure.
So basically this is a post asking for help/ideas on what this might be, did something like this happen to any of you? Does any of you have any idea on what this might be? How to ‘work’ with it?
Im also happy for any leads that I could pursue, anything really.
Thanks for taking the time and reading this.
I just remembered some more details, one of which is probably really important.
When the ‘blackness’ entered me it was in form of smoke and it went through my open mouth, down my throat until it settled in my stomach area.
Another thing is that when I was in the ‘state’ I dsecribed above, Vampyrism was a big thing I was thinking about. I am very slowly but steadily exploring the subject of Vampyrism but Im still battling with ehtical issues before I want to really dive into it. However when I was in this state it just seemed clear to me: “This is the way I am. By not doing it Im only hurting myself. I will do it and it will be fine and I will be closer to being my real self.”
I was really detached from my usual anxious, careful state. It was really weird.
However IF this whole thing is linked to Vampyrism Im quite confused that Lucifer showed up instead of Lilith, because I am also working with Lilith and I know that she is linked heavily to Vampyrism, however I never read about a connection between Lucifer and the subject. I mean maybe he is linked or maybe he just got the ball rolling…idk.
I honestly don´t exactly know what kind of replys Im expecting, if anyone feels like replying just let me know what is on your mind when reading this. I think it may be one of those chaotic things where a slight mention of something along the way leads to something bigger.