Realization

I’ve been looking back on my life so far a lot lately. Today it occurred to me that I’ve always been treated like absolute shit by most people. Sure, I’m outgoing, intelligent, funny in my own weird way, kind when I want to be, reliable, loyal, etc., but even then, I don’t have all that many friends anymore. I have two or three that I see these days and the rest of my old friends just faded into the distance. Even my grandparents on both sides either treated me like shit as a kid and rejected me, or just weren’t interested in giving me the time of day. My dating life is the same way. Self esteem has always been a personal issue that I struggle with especially after being bullied by the people I come across. Sorry to just vomit this shit on the forum. I had a close friend stab me in the back recently. I took care of it magickally, but it just brought up these feelings that I never confronted. I’m heartbroken right now.

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Cheer up sweetheart. My experience leads me to believe when people treat you poorly and reject you it’s because you have a way of making them feel inferior. So they project their own worthlessness onto you. And sometimes, people who have been treated bad try to do the same thing to someone else in order to identify with their abuser and make it ok in their mind. Just remember if people are knocking you down it means you’re already above them. Don’t trade the throne for the likes of fools.

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Pm me for a reading and a chat if you want. I have went through same or possibly worse shit so i can relate.

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I understand what you mean. It just isn’t easy to grow self esteem and repair my confidence when I can’t remember when I wasn’t being bullied (except for now that is). I think the sexual abuse that I’ve gone through (numerous times, numerous people) may have broken me beyond repair, and that’s been coming up too. I’ve been doing some healing work that’s probably bringing this to the surface. Right now I wouldn’t complain if my heart just stopped beating.

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I believe a good ranting or two always helps at least a bit. Well, for me it always has.

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Fuck man. I take it back. I was never abused sexually. But in all other ways.

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You have to make a conscious effort to separate what has been done to you from WHO you are. Trauma victims and abused people tend to absorb things and accept it in a strange way as a means to excuse what was done. That’s hard considering we tend to need someone to lean on and that’s precisely what you’ve been lacking.

But here’s the best part. Your heart IS beating. And all you need in this world is YOU. I promise. Everything that happened is gone now, completely over. Each time you revisit it, you’re bringing it to life. Giving power to those people. Are you ok handing over everything you’ve worked so hard for? If you must, one last time, look back only to set those memories on fire. And today, and thereafter, you craft your life exactly as you please. You don’t HAVE to accept anything less than what you want and need. NOBODY can bully you anymore. You’re in the driver’s seat now.

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@AradiaX That’s true. I haven’t thought about how integrated into my being my trauma is. This last one fucked me up pretty bad. Dropped out of college, worked only day shifts, wouldn’t leave the house most days. Came so close to pulling my car into the garage, rolling the windows down, and turning the key. But I learned I’m just not the kind of person who would commit suicide. It got better for awhile, then my close friend killed herself two months ago. I don’t let people bully me anymore and I agree with everything you said! It is my life! But it’s really hard picking up the pieces and trying to look forward. Honestly, right now I just want a girl to hold and tell me how handsome I am and that everything is going to be okay, and not having that in a long time has made things harder, especially when love is really what I think I need right now. Just that physical embrace and surrender.

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I feel your pain.

I think magickally speaking, it is beneficial. You start off being humbled by the world until you grow into your own. If youve never experienced the pain, how can one heal? If youve never been weak and alone, how can you grow strong?

For me personally, being humbled so often early on, and even now, kind of curbs the arrogance that can come with the “I am a god” realization.

Others will hurt, for they know not or care not what they do. But the pain empowers you. Devour it.

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It takes a while to realise that it says something about them, nothing about you. Had it happen many times, but you are still the same person, you just found out someone you trusted is a piece of shit

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Man I relate to this so so much. Pm me if you ever want to talk my dude.

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I get what you’re saying and that’s a want that’s not too much to ask for. BUT, the danger zone is relying on that as the salve to the wound. You MUST find a way and even keep it in your back pocket, to be ok and get through without that. People are too fallible. But I do understand, it’s the simple things.

Please never consider suicide. I know that feeling of it being the most logical choice. But you have a fire inside don’t you? Remember it, and fan the flames whenever you feel low like that. You have WAY too many people to piss off and prove wrong don’t you? You taught me how to " feed," and I don’t forget. Now I’m teaching you, take that sorrow and sadness and turn it into rage. Never eat dirt at the feet of swine.

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i think this is where it all starts towards getting better: By being extremely honest. It takes guts. It is much harder than setting up a facade. There comes a time where it seems unavoidable, where things are at a true crossroad. I was heartbroken too recently, when I started remembering, that I was sexually abused, a victim of incest. It has had and still have a physical impact on me, when waves of it comes back too strongly. I literally gag, as if I am being choked, and sometimes it has ended with me having to throw up. It is hard and something to get through. I am not sure, I have any friends either anymore. My time where I would compromise a lot is over. It sounds like you are experiencing something similar. I am going into therapy for the abuse, because I have to realize, that there are things i cannot handle alone. I wish you the best with all you struggle with.

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Brother if you need anything just pm me. We ll worked out

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@AradiaX Oh I agree with you on that point. I’m not going looking for a “band aid” relationship. I’m just looking for proof that beauty and tenderness is still out there, and that I can actually trust someone to that extent. I just feel this intense need for intimacy, but it could very well be my raging late teen hormones. Sexually frustrated doesn’t even begin to describe it lol. Suicide honestly has been in my thoughts, but then I see the picture of my deceased friend on my altar and remember her funeral, and it passes. I’m gonna keep letting these things come up naturally, then they are going into the internal coal furnace. As far as life goes, I’m just looking for one good thing to happen. My spell work is currently at a halt as my emotional situation has put a wrench in most of my goal oriented work.

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Nicsah does wonders foe emotional problem i do recommend.

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You got this! :facepunch::ok_hand:

@AradiaX @Jake @rin @DormiensDei @Mouchany
@Shadowmage @anon9236988 Thank you all for listening to my rant! I feel a little better!

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Just don’t settle and keep moving. Nothing in life that’s worth having comes easy. Look at how far you’ve come going through all you did. That’s pure badassery at it’s finest. Anything else that comes is cake.

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Know exactly how you feel, man. What basically led me to connect with my Lilitu who had always been there. Every relationship, romantic interest, or anything went to shit. If it wasn’t the girls having shitty personalities, it was sex-driven with no real emotion but lust, or things would just randomly go bad out of nowhere. Every single time. When I think about it really, it probably was my Lilitu + subconscious trying to lead me to the direction I eventually found and came to. Never felt this level of satisfaction and feeling of “wholeness” with life ever and I can say that honestly. No narcissistic bitches, girls trying to use me for what I have, or just dumb shit taking place. It’s just a real relationship, what everyone wants and should have. She understands and knows me for me, and that’s something I could never find with the other girls in my life. Trust and intimacy on an entire other level than what I’ve experienced in the past.

If I could give you any advice about that particular situation, think about writing that letter of intent maybe. With great thought of course. Could just be the thing you’ve been looking for and just haven’t found yet.

Keep your head up, brother. Everything gets better with time.

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