Growing up in a very fundagelical household has put me off of anything that smacks of Christianity in my personal life. So, it was a bit of a stretch even considering angelic assistance with my sister’s health. Suffering from extreme energy depletion, exhaustion, insomnia, constant migraines, a bazillion food allergies, inability to focus, etc., she was to the point where she had to leave her nice job and emerald green city and move back to the blazing desert sticksville. Like me.
By that time, I had learned to cook in allergy-approved methods, so I took over cooking for the whole family with organic ingredients. But, her dietary needs made it FUCKING ridiculous out here with the lack of food variety; no nightshades: peppers, tomatoes, potatoes, etc.; no corn; no grains; no cruciferous; no red meat… And her constant depression, agorophobia, panic attacks…made the whole job thing impossible - she spent all day in her room with netflix. Her doctor, fortunately, is great with divination and she made painstakingly slow headway toward recovery. Then, came the blow. The clinic determined that physically, nothing was wrong - everything was a psychosomatic/spiritual/physical issue. ARGH. I hated trying to work around it; it seemed unfair to her, as well.
Evoking Raphael to heal her 2.5 months ago, was a strange experience. I had done a shit ton of preparation, and was ready. And I received a “lecture” on ego that I found frustrating, and was unsure what else I needed to do. It seemed like he understood me, but why bitch about my motives? So, I decided to trust that he’d do his thing in his time and responded with gratitude and humility. I was unfamiliar with Marbas at that time, and because my sister’s a Christian and very in tune with her inner christ, I sought angelic help.
A month later as I was idly chopping fennel and carrots again, I wondered about her healing and right as I was shifting into my automatic gratitude emotion/thought pattern so I wouldn’t interefere negatively with any entities’ work, I realized that I didn’t give a damn about her health anymore. In fact, I had never cared about it in any sense other than “she should operate properly.” Briefly, this new paradigm shift clicked, and a ton of false guilt faded. I don’t feel responsible for anyone’s wellbeing, but if it hinges on mine, it may become an issue. So, I decided fuck it, I should really look into my own state and tie up my loose ends as well, and thanked the vegetables for nourishing us.
I researched the hell out of Marbas and (with the approval those with whom I’m already working, plus favorable tarot) invoked him a month later, leading quite naturally to some of the most disturbing astral trances I’ve encountered. Demon hordes tearing apart my flesh and devouring it while others rebuilt me with a black substance like rancid tar - anti-bees or something, other lizardy-bat demons chasing down facsimiles of me and devouring chunks while throwing away maimed parts streaming with blood (the one I questioned said they were my ‘desires’), going a week with them devouring my chakras and imploding with cackling laughter, loads of fun times.
Then, one night I received a sigil while sketching in a trance. It went live as I drew and Lilitu, Mother, Protector, Destroyer connected. It was the most overwhelming love and compassion I have ever experienced. Baby awoke as I was singing a hymn of praise and toddled over, so we were together in that moment of intense love, tears running down my face. Two days later, my wall crumbled as I spoke to my sister. Of course, I know that I am the most important person in my universe and I love me dearly, however, I was unable to fathom how anyone else could, given my quirks and issues. When I realized this consciously, I received the most horrendous headache, nausea. But, I couldn’t deny it. That night, laying awake wondering if I should go the emergency cannabis route so I could get some sleep, I put myself into a trance to reprogram my subconscious and afterward felt the urge to expel the poisonous belief that I was unworthy of another human’s love. After yakking my guts out, I felt light and free. The next day, my energy was gone. Totally. The absolute worst bone-exploding, joint-shredding, fibromyalgia pain I had experienced, no concentration, too tired to even cry from from the despondency and despair. My mother had to commandeer the children and I cowered in my room keeping my thoughts unfocused since gratitude was unfathomable, nonexistent. Sleeping that night was strange, half in trance, repeating mantras, affirmations, my body would tense only to dissolve into the comforting darkness. And then it was done. I awoke new. I felt like every cell had been purged.
The next day, my partner of seven years asked me if I would be offended (as I’m a bit feministy, apparently) if he asked my dad whether he’d support my partner proposing to me. To my intense shock, I realized that I not only didn’t mind, but I was excited at the prospect. Even the old-fashioned religious permission-granting ritual was oddly welcome. After ending the conversation, I prayed intensely, joyfully and thanked every demon I have worked with. Because, this, like nothing else demonstrated a different “me.”
Back to the presentish… Contemplating a fucking wedding I never in my craziest dreams saw coming, I found a bookmarked website about becoming an ordained minister (it seemed weirdly important at the time) and realized that I wanted my sister to officiate. I asked her if she was interested. Thrilled, she accepted. The next day, her food allergies were gone. Yesterday, she cheerfully babysat the kids for 4 hours, stayed for dinner, then we visited for another 3 hours. One of the things Lilitu impressed on me was that I needed the love of a mother/sister which I hadn’t understood because I didn’t realize I was continually rejecting love/adoration/acceptance.
So, while I’ve seen a lot of posts about magic not working or getting inconsistent results, that truly has been the opposite of my (admittedly limited) experience. As I eagerly await the conclusion of several long-term pacts, I can really see how this opens the door toward more delightful discoveries. Next, I’ll tackle my craptastic programming that money is the root of all evil, work up my divination, and look into the wild blue yonder of freedom and independence. And because all the details are journaled, I have a nice template for teaching the children when the time arrives… Life is surely grand.