So a few days ago I decided I would try something with Raphael, a little backstory is needed.
My mother got into a near fatal car accident a few days before I hit elementary school (not sure what the year was). She nearly died, but due to her insurmountable will, a “miracle”, and a lot of attention and sleep, she lived. She didn’t want to leave me an orphan, I guess. But ultimately it hurt all of us more than helped. I grew up with a nearly dead mom for a few years, a mom with severe chronic brain and physical damage, and a mom that slept all of the time, and a mom I loved very much. She had anger issues, was a workaholic and loved me very much. There were SO. MANY. FUCKING. ISSUES. So many downfalls and fights, so much bullshit that I can’t even BEGIN to go through here. My entire childhood was painted with our grim path to actually living, OUR burden. I lived with her alone, an absent father was the least of my worries.
So many issues. Life beat the shit out of us. I got in trouble a lot at school throughout my entire time there. So. Much. Family dynamics, boyfriend/husband issues, pain, constant grunting and screaming and crying for years. I was horrified. She still feels so much pain, but she is working her ass off and in so much mental and physical stress…
We deserved better, for fucks sake! She deserved better! She had already clearly displayed her godhood! So, I decided a few days ago that I would call up Raphael. I had been planning this ever since I learned about conjuration. Now was time.
I called him up and he agreed. I smiled, and thanked him. I didn’t know what to think. I was in mild denial it would even work. That I was going crazy. I had already prayed to “god” so many times for this to work, why would it work now? I just forgot about it. Raphael, though, began to follow me around. At times I would just ask, “Who’s there?” and without even invoking or evoking him, Raphael would make himself known. He even (shockingly enough) messed with the sacral chakra. He just keeps telling me I interest him and that’s why. I was wandering around a store in public, joking around with him.
Long story short, he toyed with me. He said actions have consequences when I made a playful joke at his expense. Later on, he said he told me he had fully recovered my mother. I felt betrayed, I couldn’t believe him. I felt so conflicted. “You’re lying.” I said, my heart darkening with fear and sadness. “You’re messing with me. Why are you messing with me?” Later on he said he was, that he hadn’t healed my mother and never planned to. I felt so betrayed. I was going to cry. I just… It’s a very deep scar of mine.
Then, a bit later, he said he was going to heal my mother, that it was a process and it was already healing her, just slowly-ish. He said he’d keep his word.
I don’t know what to think. I feel so heartbroken on the inside, and I’m just trying to ignore it.
