Ramblings of a Schizophrenic

As I sit back puffing on a cig, I reflect on my life. The neural pathways rejuvinate as old emotions are reawoken by the visions of my memories. Faces flash before my minds eyes whilst audio and empathic impressions are respoken. I hear the voices of those I once knew amd recount the things they have said to me, good and bad. But my own memory and soul betrays me to the sunken place as my worn mind fails to bear the weight of it.

One might say, “Oh just take this pill.” or “Oh just do this procedure.” but I am like a hermit crab and a collector of shells. The former forms of my soul shed away like snake skin but they do not turn to dust. Nor can I consume them. I am a small child attempting to swallow a house. This absurd vision has confounded me to strange nausea since I was young. What does the vision mean of one who attempts to swallow absurdly large things?

So here I sit on my porch, to the sound of roosters and morning birds reflecting on my whole life like I’m receiving a data update. And the memories keep coming. Even as I void my own life and the time of my life to run from new memories.

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Maybe you are starting to ask a question that can be very complex, which is: What is identity?

Identity has always been a major issue for me. I grew up under a very religious home. My mom came from a very negative background which caused her to cling strongly to faith. I don’t blame her, christianity saved her. However, in her zealotry I grew up not really being concerned for myself. It was all about God’s glory. I was simply one of the elect waiting to be raptured. The end times were always a major imminent event which eclipsed most all other concern. I was also put on ritalin at a young age which completely robbed me of any personality. Ritalin turned me into a programable task performing machine with no emotions or appetite. You might be right about the identity thing. When I first started having issues I didn’t understand complex existential dilemmas but these days such matters as pressing like the mundane.

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Sounds to me like you are on your right way now.