So when I started evocation and my devotion to magick few months back I knew little but I was so fuck*ng confident in what I was doing. I couldn’t see or feel entities but the results were amazing.
A couple of books and many many hours online later the filthy seed of doubt came into me. I realized how little I knew before, thou my intuition guided me amazingly which I see now that I have more knowledge about what I was doing.
I got more knowledge which doesn’t compensate for the confidence of a fool. The enthusiasm faded when I started feeling bad for skipping meditation and similar exercises - It became a chore when I started taking it seriously.
As I’m writing this it reminded me of one video of E.A. evoking Belial and speaking with him saying something like “your telling me to resist on one hand and not resist on the other”. It just popped in my mind, looks like Belial is trying to teach me something, that line got me thinking about it since I saw that part of the video. I’m yet to understand it fully.
The pushing to ascend and to grow got me in a bad mindset for magick. The tool which I regained freedom with trapped me. But only for a lesson to be learned.
Every part of my life and all of my thoughts are magick related since I started gaining more power, at the start basically.
I’m thinking about taking a one day break but it would be hard since nothing seems fun and distracting at the moment. I couldn’t even imagine a day with no magickal thoughts.
I turned to the spiritual when life lost all meaning and everything lost any value. It changed but the last week I feel the same absence of value and sense of achievement not hopelessness tho, that I will feel never again.
I will endure to the very end. This post is not a complaint or bitching of any sort.
I’m trying to find a way to get thru this.
What are your thoughts on the subject?
Does pushing too hard make progress slower as well?
I’m sleepy, its 02:28 am hope this ramble makes sense (I know it does but I don’t want to sound needy and desperate)
I had the same problem when I trained karate fanatically.