Problems, problems, problems

This is really starting to bother me now.

Every time I perform a sigil working. For whatever reason, I either cannot relax my eyes enough, or can’t figure out how this “gaze” is supposed to work. As my eyes CONSTANTLY move in and out of focus, go cross-eyed, etc. Due to this constantly shifting gaze, I never feel as if I have, or can, fully charge a sigil, as I can’t look at it for more than a few seconds before my eyes change focus. Moving around the image, going cross-eyed.

Long story short, I CAN’T hold a steady gaze.

The more and more I learn about spirituality and the occult, the more I am realizing I am a complete and utter nobody, that I really can’t do anything yet, and that I know NOTHING.

Like it’s no wonder I can’t Astral Project, I can’t even do simple basics. And after all this time trying to learn myself, and seeing other people able to pick up on this stuff by themselves, I am starting to realize this just isn’t working for me.

I need to find a real mentor, somebody who can tell me where I should be starting, what basics I need to learn. As I basically just start reading about whatever, practicing whatever, in the hopes it’s going to ultimately help me figure out where I’m supposed to be going with this.

I really have no idea, and the overwhelm of all of it is bringing me down more and more and more.

An honest assessment here:

  • Completely and utterly failed at evocation, can’t produce any visual phenomena of any kind.
  • Can’t even meditate. I cannot relax my body or mind even enough to hold a steady thought upon my Ajna chakra, or any other chakra for that matter.
    For example: I try Ajna and other chakra work every night in hopes one day I’ll finally be able to leave my body, however, what actually happens is before I can even get halfway through a visualization (which is incredibly hard for me because my mind WILL NOT keep still) - My mind will wander, and I’ll just be thinking about whatever else, until it actually clicks that my mind has wandered. Then I’ll start focusing on whatever again, and the same thing happens. Over and over until I give up in frustration or either fall asleep. I’ll wake up, try again, fall asleep again. This happens nightly.
  • in Sigil workings in attempt to remove obstacles, gain wealth, anything, I can’t hold my gaze for more than 3 seconds without my eyes shifting focus. My body twitches, can’t hold still.
  • Same as above with candle magick, can’t hold gaze on flame without eyes shifting focus.

These are the only practical things I’ve attempted. I tried a 3 day possession pact with Azazel, hoping he could kickstart my learning. I couldn’t tell at all if it worked, but I did get the idea that not only what I had ultimately imagined where I’d be was basically pathetic compared to what Azazel thinks I COULD have, COULD BE.

That, and I’m basically nowhere, have learned nothing, and am not even at the level of “Neophyte” That all this time I haven’t even moved from the first square, that I have no direction, no idea where I should be going or what I should be doing, and that it is IMPERATIVE that I find somebody who can help me.

I’m homeless, I have been for years. I used to be a heroin addict. Honestly, not in a much better state now, as I’m still completely dependent upon opiates to function. Albeit now that I am in the “Methadone maintenance program” I am still, for all intents and purposes, a drug addict.

I haven’t had any friends in years now. And it’s like, every “personality” or whatever I’ve attempted to portray, because I myself am completely anti-social and feel so awkward socially that nobody would ever be interested in being my friend, and being completely obsessed with spirituality and finding out what life is all about doesn’t help that. I basically have no interest in meeting people, yet, I as a human being require love and comforting relationships and all that shit, but I don’t want to bother to meet people. And when I do, nobody shows any interest in actually getting to know me, so it’s not long before I stop bothering to hang with them at all.

I’m very sad right now. Having to accept that in all this time, I’ve really learned nothing, and this obsession with spirituality, to the point that I have no interest in having a job, or whatever the hell else, because ALL I want is to be able to Astral Project, meet spirits, and learn from somebody, and gain real power. So I can then use that power to build a personal empire. I don’t want to follow Pagan ideals and worship the seasons, or some God or Goddess, I want to BE the God and shape my reality. And I know this is possible, because this, as far as I have learned, is what black magick is all about, and THAT is what I want. HOW DO I GET THERE?

Can you hold a steady gaze on something that’s not a sigil - I think in the newsletter about those, EA gave the example of gazing at a photo of someone you love - can you do that with a photo, or a picture of anyone/anything you find attractive?

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Don’t focus on your chakra during meditation at first. Just relax your body, then mind. Then soon you will realize that you have been sitting there with a blank mind for a few minutes.

I have been trying that, just looking at this, or that, and I’ve noticed this happens anytime I am consciously trying to gaze at something. Unless I’m completely unaware that I’m looking at any particular thing, or whatever, it doesn’t work.

I’m naturally anxious and find it difficult relaxing, and being on ritalin for like 7 years when I was a kid doesn’t help that at all. This is why my drug of choice was heroin, because I could relax to the point where I stopped giving a shit about everything and could live the way I wished I could normally.

I also need to get the absolutes basics of meditation down, Orismen just told me exactly what I was just thinking

Anyways, I’ve relaxed a bit, released all that negativity, and I think once I get this issue worked out, I can use these means to get somewhere.

S’all good man, sounds like you know what you need to work on. You’ll get there.

Maybe that one methoid’s just not right for you? It happens! None of us are “ye Compleate Occultiste” who can do every single skill.

Have you tried AO Spare’s method of making word sigils? You’re good with words, maybe there’s something in using language (enns instead of spirit sigils) that’s going to be your particular skill.

I just got attacked in a fucking library by that fucking douchebag who Dra’talon didn’t kill

MOTHER FUCKER

WHY IS HE STILL ALIVE

As for word sigils, is that the method in which:

  1. you write down a word such as “Love”
  2. Remove all the consonants
  3. Create a sigil from the remaining letters?

So for instance, a sigil for Love might be this?

Where can I find a guide for his method? Google isn’t helping me.

This is a decent guide to making sigils: http://disinfo.com/2012/12/a-beginners-guide-to-sigil-craft/

When you form them into a word you can either leave the vowels, or add new ones to make the word pronouncable.

I consult the book whenever I make one and don’t feel expert enough to try and tutor you on it, hopefully someone with more experience using this can chime in. :slight_smile:

[quote=“Illustrious, post:8, topic:4067”]I just got attacked in a fucking library by that fucking douchebag who Dra’talon didn’t kill

MOTHER FUCKER

WHY IS HE STILL ALIVE[/quote]

Did you try doing any divination to see what sort of defenses this guy would have? Dratalon , fierce as he may be is actually alot smaller then other things people may or may not have access to in bothmainstream and under the table occultism. If someone sent dratalon at me for example I would probably laugh at them. IMO he’s not that useful against anyone who has any idea what they are doing in regards to magic, better for non magic folks.

i can help you with sigils illustrious.try this one

look at the sigil and then press the STOP button.stay there with your eyes lock on the paper.don’t try to relax or to see something.just freeze your self,don’t move and keep your eyes at the sigil.the only thing that is moving is your breath.try it.it’s funny and it can work very well.just freeze your self…

feeling weak isn’t the same as beeing weak.always remember that.don’t stick tags to your self like homelles or heroine adict.these are not who you are.they are just parts of your everyday life…support and accept your self as it is.not as you think of him…

LBRP and extra coffee doses works for me everytime i feel weak and powerless…

2 Likes

PS to my previous post, to take the example given on that page, he ends up with the consonants “MHLTYFRNDSGCP” and if you wanted to turn that into a spoken sigil, I would for example make it “MiHaLTY FuRNDoS GoCaP” - iirc it’s important not to use actual known words, but what’s been created there is pronouncable.

But like I said I have to consult the book each time :slight_smile: so hope you get someone more experienced to advise you on the finer details.

You could try knot magic.
Or, as Lady Eva suggested, spoken formula. You could sit down, connect into a power source, and vibrate the words directing your power towards your goal. You can use a rosary too. Each decade bead can count a vibration, and every bead inbetween decades can be your declaration of intent.
You can also try drawing sigils on the ground and running around it on s circular motion focusing all your energy into it. There are lots of things you can do here man.

I have read all this and I must say I cannot believe what i have been reading, but I sincerely hope I am wrong.
Aren’t you same Illustrious who is offering Magic on Facebook and on that web site connected to the facebook page you created? And not only that, you offer to perform powerful rituals for rather large sums? The page is called, Ordo Aeon Black Temple.
How then can you offer to teach Magic to, and perform rituals for people if you cannot even relax and concentrate enough to open a Sigil?
You’re homeless? You’re a drug addict? Blimey man, the mind boggles! Please, tell me I am wrong.
because I have been following your posts and your page for some time, andI actually took you seriously. But this has astounded me, and I am absolutely gobsmacked!
Aren’t you the one who calls himself Magus Bendah Wainwright? The name/handle of ‘Illustrious’ is the same, the symbol you use as your picture here is the identical same one Magic Bendah uses.
Please, tell me I am wrong, for my peace of mind. And you wanted to kill someone, but he’s still alive? Cor Blimey! someone tell me I am not dreaming. can someone reply to this because this is absolutely ripping!

Yes! It is definitely you. Stephen ‘Bendah’ Wainright from Canada, Vancouver.
Dammit Man! What do you think you are up to offering to perform rituals for people for between $3000 and $6000? and asking for payments by Western Union!
Don’t you realise someone could actually sent a demon assassin against you and do away with you?

I’m lazy, so could you compile your evidence ? Screenshots, quotes, etc.
I vaguely remember illustrious talking about someone mistaking him for Koetting on his own services website but I may be tripping out.

Euoi:::: That someone was me! I fell on his page after reading a derogatory article on Eric somewhere. So i went looking for Eric and fell on him instead.
The thing is that he offered courses on becoming a living God. The whole format is identical to Eric’s . The Title of the courses are identical everything offered, down to offers of performing rituals.
As an Example of what he was offering, he sent me the four incantations which begin with "Alash tad Al’ash Tal ashtu"
This was so confusing so for the first few messages I kept calling him Eric, especially after I received a copy of those incantations.
But in all his email messages, his true name is given. Directed me to his page. It is when I actually expressedf my confusion as I said I needed a teacher, that he admitted that he was not Eric.
He still offered to teach me, claiming that he has been practising magic for over ten years, and that unlike Eric, he preferred to teach his students one on one.
Then he rolled out all those fees he charged, as I explained ‘my situation’ and as I thought his fees for a ritual would be lower than Eric’s. They were nearly the same. But he did not know that I had just ordered Eric’s evocation course.
The thing is I really had no intention of learning magic from him, I just wanted to get down to the bottom of the whole thing, so I told him I wanted him to perform a ritual for me. At the last offer, he asked me for $600 and told me to send it by Western Union.
It is the same guy, and I have all the messages to prove it; including Eric’s incantations that he sent me.
Up till today, i intended to continue with the charade, as i knew i’d continue receiving some of Eric’s material from him. But after rea

[quote=“Milla, post:15, topic:4067”]I have read all this and I must say I cannot believe what i have been reading, but I sincerely hope I am wrong.
Aren’t you same Illustrious who is offering Magic on Facebook and on that web site connected to the facebook page you created? And not only that, you offer to perform powerful rituals for rather large sums? The page is called, Ordo Aeon Black Temple.
How then can you offer to teach Magic to, and perform rituals for people if you cannot even relax and concentrate enough to open a Sigil?
You’re homeless? You’re a drug addict? Blimey man, the mind boggles! Please, tell me I am wrong.
because I have been following your posts and your page for some time, andI actuaqlly took you seriously. But this has astounded me, and I am absolutely gobsmacked!
Aren’t you the one who calls himself Magus Bendah Wainwright? The name/handle of ‘Illustrious’ is the same, the symbol you use as your picture here is the identical same one Magic Bendah uses.
Please, tell me I am wrong, for my peace of mind. And you wanted to kill someone, but he’s still alive? Cor Blimey! someone tell me I am not dreaming. can someone reply to this because this is absolutely ripping![/quote]

No, you are not wrong. Those sites where my real name is found, I can’t change it… Google, Facebook, etc. I can’t change my name… It doesn’t let you use anything other than your real name, which is complete and utter bullshit.

[quote=“Milla, post:16, topic:4067”]Yes! It is definitely you. Stephen ‘Bendah’ Wainright from Canada, Vancouver.
Dammit Man! What do you think you are up to offering to perform rituals for people for between $3000 and $6000? and asking for payments by Western Union!
Don’t you realise someone could actually sent a demon assassin against you and do away with you?[/quote]

I dunno why that particular section of the site is still available, as I set it to private? Yeah, it’s password protected… The hell, where did you find anything saying I’m charging prices like that? I took that down off the site…

[quote=“defectron, post:11, topic:4067”][quote=“Illustrious, post:8, topic:4067”]I just got attacked in a fucking library by that fucking douchebag who Dra’talon didn’t kill

MOTHER FUCKER

WHY IS HE STILL ALIVE[/quote]

Did you try doing any divination to see what sort of defenses this guy would have? Dratalon , fierce as he may be is actually alot smaller then other things people may or may not have access to in bothmainstream and under the table occultism. If someone sent dratalon at me for example I would probably laugh at them. IMO he’s not that useful against anyone who has any idea what they are doing in regards to magic, better for non magic folks.[/quote]

Defenses? We’re talking about a meth-amphetamine junkie here, not a user of any sort of magick whatsoever. Even if I did a reading as such, I’d have no idea what the cards were telling me, my Tarot skills seem to be lacking… I need to read the Book of Thoth.

But yeah, this guy is absolutely spiritually asleep. He said to me “Go do your doll magic in another city,” as in he had no idea what magic actually is or what I am capable of (which is basically nothing lol) and he KNOWS that, which really fucking pissed me off. He basically said magic isn’t real, and that I can’t do a damn thing to him with magic and he’s basically bang on about that, which upset me even more.

And with Dra’talon doing absolutely nothing, probably because I’m incapable of conjuration.

However, this could be because I don’t have the means to procure implements (all I have is an altar, dagger [which isn’t a true dagger, it’s just a big black knife, not a dagger], and small, tin-wrapped white candles.) but I know that implements are just used to get yourself in to the “zone” so to speak. But learning what I have about evocation, that the triangle is used as a place to direct all the energy, this could have a lot to do with it, as I basically thought I’d just call them up and they’d come, not that I had to direct energy in any way other than to bring them here.

Thank you, everybody, truly. This is my occult family right here, and I love you guys.

I am NEVER going to give up. I dedicated my life to black magick & the occult. I will never give up my quest to travel the Astral Plane, and higher. I will NEVER EVER GIVE UP. Lucifer told me that I will be Great, and I damn well believe he wasn’t lying to me. I don’t care who tells me that I can’t do it, or that Black Magick isn’t the way to go, that the LHP is full of idiots and what have you. On this other forum I go to, www.paganforum.com (which I am not very fond of anymore, as there are like no actual practicing magicians there, and black magick & the LHP is frowned upon.) I stated my goal in a thread similar to this:

Most of the responses were basically telling me to give up, and that black magick isn’t the way to go.

Fuck that noise. I KNOW Black Magick IS my path, and I WILL succeed.

“Proven…” - as if people just go out screaming THANK YOU DEMONS FOR BRINGING ME EVERYTHING I EVER DREAMED OF! The fact this idiot seeks “proof” for the powers of magick tells me he is in fact, an idiot. I myself have seen proof when my workings DO succeed.

Damn straight, brother.

I am a persistent mofo, and becoming a Living God is my dream, and I will never ever ever EVER GIVE UP.

Your words are helpful. Again, thank you everybody who has posted here. Sometimes I get a little emotional, and your words inspire me to keep on keeping on.

And I’d like to personally thank my trusted friends here, such as Lady Eva, musta_krackish, and Satori Diavolo I am quite fond of although I have just recently become aware of you.

Thank you for confirming my connection to Azazel. I now realize that I did truly succeed… I need to stop berating myself, even when I think I failed! I clearly did not fail!

I also today, remembered something that really stuck with me, although I had completely forgot about it until now…

I have never Astral Travelled, or travelled to Causal Plane, Mental Plane, Formative, etc. However, once, I bypassed all those planes entirely and found myself in the Abyss… This is how it happened…

I was on Amanita Muscaria mushrooms, at my pot dealer’s house at the time, just having the experience of the trip. At some points, this strangest thing would happen… I would just, “check out” of my body, and find myself in this place where there was nothing but blackness in every direction as far as the eye could see. I could move about, but there was nothing but supreme darkness. And I knew I was in the abyss. This experience was very strange, as I could hear people talking to me, saying my name, poking me, because my consciousness having left my body would leave my physical body slumped over in the chair I was sitting in, and they wanted to make sure I was okay. I could hear them talking to me and stuff, but there was no way I could return to my body to respond to them…

So this leaves questions…

  1. When travelling outside of the body, do you hear people talking to you? Feel them poking you? Or are you completely unaware of these things? As on the mushrooms, and having been forced out of my body, I could hear & feel them poking me, but I couldn’t return from the abyss to respond.

  2. When doing such travel, do you… Do as I did, like, do you just basically retreat “inside your head” and all the travel takes place there? I felt like I basically just zoomed my consciousness inside my mind, and from there, went to the abyss?

I just remembered this now, and this experience reminds me that I have indeed travelled before outside my body, and therefore, I CAN do it again. Although travel was completely involuntary, I know I am capable.

Euoi:::: That someone was me! I fell on his page after reading a derogatory article on Eric somewhere. So I went looking for Eric and fell on him instead.
The thing is that he offered courses on becoming a living God. The whole format is identical to Eric’s . The Title of the courses are identical everything offered offered, down to offers of rituals.
As an Example of what he was offering, he sent me the four incantations which begin with “Alash tad Al’ash Tal ashtu”. All the time, he did not first tell me that he was not Eric, and he presented the incantations as his own.
This was so confusing so for the first few messages I kept calling him Eric, especially after I received a copy of those incantations.
But in all his email messages, his true name is given, and I expressed my utter incomprehension. He directed me to his page. It is when I actually expressed my confusion as I said I needed a teacher, that he admitted that he was not Eric.
He still offered to teach me, claiming that he has been practising magic for over ten years, and that unlike Eric, he preferred to teach his students one on one.
Then he rolled out all those fees he charged, as I explained ‘my situation’, and as I thought his fees for a ritual would be lower than Eric’s. They were nearly the same. But he did not know that I had just ordered Eric’s evocation course.
The thing is I really had no intention of learning magic from him, I just wanted to get down to the bottom of the whole thing, so I told him I wanted him to perform a ritual for me. Starting from $3000, at the last offer, he asked me for $600 and told me to send it by Western Union.
It is the same guy, and I have all the messages to prove it; including Eric’s incantations that he sent me.
Up till today, I intended to continue with the charade, as I knew I’d continue receiving some of Eric’s material from him. But after reading his confession above, I could not take it anymore.
Feel free to check the page he gives on Facebook. it has a link that will send you to a website similar to the Facebook page, then look at the services offered. It all looks like it was copied from Eric’s template.