Ive wanted to start a journal on here for a while as I am not in a (physical) place where I can keep a grimoire. I will begin by documenting my magick/mystic experiences so far and progress as I learn more. I will try my best to be absolutely honest with myself and whoever decides to read this. Constructive comments are welcomed.
Since I started college in 2016 I experimented heavily with all kinds of drugs, seeking new experiences and mind sets appealed to me far more than the physical sensation of the substances I was using.
Due to this psychedelics and other entheogens appealed to me more than anything else. LSD, mushrooms, and weed were my drugs of choice for many years until strange things started happening. I began to have profound experiences on the nature of God (Source, All, etc.,) life, death, everything. Searching out the answers to these undefinable questions is what eventually led me to magick.
My first experience with anything supernatural while not under the influence of brain melting drugs happened when I was hanging out with a friend from school. I am very socially awkward and get extreme anxiety from situations where I am around many or new people. The presence of this person was very intimidating to me and caused a panic attack. I forced myself to fight through the urge to break down and run away and my ears began ringing intensely. The people I was with knew something was up and were giving me ample space and talking among themselves.
This was when I began to hear two voices, one was female and the other, male. The female one said something about “…wasted potential” and the male one responded with some form of affirmation. At this point I looked up at the people in the room and asked if they said something. As they denied saying anything, i again hear the female voice say “he can hear us?” At this point I was very confused and thought I was losing my mind.
The guest eventually left and my friend decided to comfort me by playing music and lighting a candle. At this point the ringing shifted pitch upwards and I began to feel waves of energy pulsing through my body. This had happened in the past but was always met with me becoming physically ill when the energy focused in my stomach. This time however, I instinctively allowed the energy to continue up towards my head to try and prevent embarrassment over getting sick at my friend’s house.
When the energy reached the tip of my skull, my vision was overwhelmed with white, spherical light and a feeling of ecstasy. When I came back to earth I teared up at this transcendental experience and my thoughts were flooded with different visions. One of the things I remember most was the playing card Jack of Spades popped up for a long time met with a notification on my phone (bells, my phone is always on silent.)
After this I began to work with magick seriously, as I was speculative no longer. I began my work with many of the angelic books by Damon Brand and had somewhat successful results. I have ultimately gotten what I want but was unable to see, hear, or feel anything.
At a cabin with my (then) girlfriend I had another disorienting experience. I had not seen her in a long time and was very anxious (do you see a theme?) about being with her as our relationship transformed into a long distance one. At one point her face fractured like a broken mirror and I saw a look of disgust that made me afraid for my life. I then lost consciousness somewhat and was greeted with a vision of an older gentleman in a long coat surrounded by light smoke, as if he had been smoking a cigar or pipe indoors. When I asked who he was, gilded words formed in the vision “Azazel” I am unsure if it actually was him or if I simply wanted it to be him. He seemed disappointed in me and did not want to talk much as I was delirious.
After that I had some very interesting experiences roaming around the area on a ATV, a jumping spider leapt onto the vehicle and sat right in front of the handlebars, as if accompanying me, also lots of vultures.
More recently, I have worked with both angels and demons to try and maintain a balance until I find energies that really resonate with me. I have always been drawn to Metatron and Azazel and feel really at home with their energies, I can barely differentiate the difference between aspects of my own energy and theirs. As I have aspirations to become a vocalist and music producer, I have begun working with King Paimon as well. Again, to maintain balance I am interested in working with Michael, for protection and courage.
I take these energies into me and visualize my left arm as demonic and my right as angelic. When i visualized my left arm with Azazel, it appeared rust red with twisted goat horns protruding from it. When King Paimon was added these horns became golden. With Metatron my arm seems to be Blue and Silver plate armor. We’ll see when I add Michael.
My most powerful intentional experience happened with King Paimon. I wanted to evoke him to finally have communication with a spirit. I began by listening to his enn combined with some kind of binaural beat and chanted along with the video. I faced west and in the northwest corner of my room the shadows seemed to condense and the air got very heavy. I felt a lot of malice aimed at me, but I felt that it was a test and steeled myself against it. After I showed that I was not afraid I confirmed that the entity was indeed King Paimon (he communicated with mental imagery), and stated my request. After the ritual I prepared an offering (my first ever) of blackberries. I have offered other things to him such as alcohol, and tobacco but I feel like he enjoyed the berries the most.
I have had other experiences than these but they were a lot “weaker” experiences overall (Kali came at me mentally with a lot of sexual energy but was pulled away by another being before things went too far.)
This concludes what I wish to state about my experiences up to now and from here on it will be a log of things I am reading, practicing, or otherwise doing in the area of magick.