Personal Evolution Log

Ive wanted to start a journal on here for a while as I am not in a (physical) place where I can keep a grimoire. I will begin by documenting my magick/mystic experiences so far and progress as I learn more. I will try my best to be absolutely honest with myself and whoever decides to read this. Constructive comments are welcomed.

Since I started college in 2016 I experimented heavily with all kinds of drugs, seeking new experiences and mind sets appealed to me far more than the physical sensation of the substances I was using.

Due to this psychedelics and other entheogens appealed to me more than anything else. LSD, mushrooms, and weed were my drugs of choice for many years until strange things started happening. I began to have profound experiences on the nature of God (Source, All, etc.,) life, death, everything. Searching out the answers to these undefinable questions is what eventually led me to magick.

My first experience with anything supernatural while not under the influence of brain melting drugs happened when I was hanging out with a friend from school. I am very socially awkward and get extreme anxiety from situations where I am around many or new people. The presence of this person was very intimidating to me and caused a panic attack. I forced myself to fight through the urge to break down and run away and my ears began ringing intensely. The people I was with knew something was up and were giving me ample space and talking among themselves.

This was when I began to hear two voices, one was female and the other, male. The female one said something about “…wasted potential” and the male one responded with some form of affirmation. At this point I looked up at the people in the room and asked if they said something. As they denied saying anything, i again hear the female voice say “he can hear us?” At this point I was very confused and thought I was losing my mind.

The guest eventually left and my friend decided to comfort me by playing music and lighting a candle. At this point the ringing shifted pitch upwards and I began to feel waves of energy pulsing through my body. This had happened in the past but was always met with me becoming physically ill when the energy focused in my stomach. This time however, I instinctively allowed the energy to continue up towards my head to try and prevent embarrassment over getting sick at my friend’s house.

When the energy reached the tip of my skull, my vision was overwhelmed with white, spherical light and a feeling of ecstasy. When I came back to earth I teared up at this transcendental experience and my thoughts were flooded with different visions. One of the things I remember most was the playing card Jack of Spades popped up for a long time met with a notification on my phone (bells, my phone is always on silent.)

After this I began to work with magick seriously, as I was speculative no longer. I began my work with many of the angelic books by Damon Brand and had somewhat successful results. I have ultimately gotten what I want but was unable to see, hear, or feel anything.

At a cabin with my (then) girlfriend I had another disorienting experience. I had not seen her in a long time and was very anxious (do you see a theme?) about being with her as our relationship transformed into a long distance one. At one point her face fractured like a broken mirror and I saw a look of disgust that made me afraid for my life. I then lost consciousness somewhat and was greeted with a vision of an older gentleman in a long coat surrounded by light smoke, as if he had been smoking a cigar or pipe indoors. When I asked who he was, gilded words formed in the vision “Azazel” I am unsure if it actually was him or if I simply wanted it to be him. He seemed disappointed in me and did not want to talk much as I was delirious.

After that I had some very interesting experiences roaming around the area on a ATV, a jumping spider leapt onto the vehicle and sat right in front of the handlebars, as if accompanying me, also lots of vultures.

More recently, I have worked with both angels and demons to try and maintain a balance until I find energies that really resonate with me. I have always been drawn to Metatron and Azazel and feel really at home with their energies, I can barely differentiate the difference between aspects of my own energy and theirs. As I have aspirations to become a vocalist and music producer, I have begun working with King Paimon as well. Again, to maintain balance I am interested in working with Michael, for protection and courage.

I take these energies into me and visualize my left arm as demonic and my right as angelic. When i visualized my left arm with Azazel, it appeared rust red with twisted goat horns protruding from it. When King Paimon was added these horns became golden. With Metatron my arm seems to be Blue and Silver plate armor. We’ll see when I add Michael.

My most powerful intentional experience happened with King Paimon. I wanted to evoke him to finally have communication with a spirit. I began by listening to his enn combined with some kind of binaural beat and chanted along with the video. I faced west and in the northwest corner of my room the shadows seemed to condense and the air got very heavy. I felt a lot of malice aimed at me, but I felt that it was a test and steeled myself against it. After I showed that I was not afraid I confirmed that the entity was indeed King Paimon (he communicated with mental imagery), and stated my request. After the ritual I prepared an offering (my first ever) of blackberries. I have offered other things to him such as alcohol, and tobacco but I feel like he enjoyed the berries the most.

I have had other experiences than these but they were a lot “weaker” experiences overall (Kali came at me mentally with a lot of sexual energy but was pulled away by another being before things went too far.)

This concludes what I wish to state about my experiences up to now and from here on it will be a log of things I am reading, practicing, or otherwise doing in the area of magick.

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I am currently reading through the book “Initiation into Hermetics” and working through it as my meditative and energetic powers are seriously lacking. In Step 1 it focuses on mastery of thought control. For me this is relatively easy for the first 10 or so minutes but after that I forget myself and my purpose and thoughts once again fly through my head, since I am in such a strange headspace it takes a while for me to realize that I am attempting to not think and push out those thoughts. Another issue is that when I meditate, sex always pops up almost immediately and these thoughts are the hardest for me to kill. I guess I need to crush sexual addiction before i make real progress.

The last point remembers me of a certain exercise where the practicioner should try to avoid thinking about a woman’s neck: it turns out to be difficult, and this sensual note will add to the traning meditations. However, it may be possible to concentrate just on an image or thought concerning sex and progress from there.

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amphetamines and sleep depravation is great way to practice psyche and death magick.

just get spiritual witness who aknowledges you under your chosen name so your singular experiences under sleep depravation doesnt come someone elses magick and method…

Also good way to scratch surface of reptilian currents is to isolate, do speed and sleep depravation, lower tempo and gearing and spend time in dark room, candles are ok on room you study or in other room, for demonic embrace… (can be angelic too)

amphetamine rituals, self hypnosis… but you need spiritual witness, who you can trust, to record what is actually happening versus what other currents who has knowledge of mechanic thinking and wealth of your purity, magick wise…

its cold road if you do mistakes with it, but it teaches you timelesness, eternity, and can get actual friendship of beings of eternal wellbeing, versus plugin demon contracts, and “gods” servants

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I’ve decided to take a step back from actually practicing magick until i get some things in my life straightened out. Yesterday i was getting things organized for my job and going over some events in my life, and i found that simply admitting to myself my shortcomings and the ways i have wronged others seemed to have an immediate positive impact on me. I seemed to have the exact right amount of items and materials to do some of the things i wanted to get done, my outlook was and is way more positive.

For a while i thought that admitting that i did something bad would manifest more negativity in my life but i believe that i am finally beginning to understand that i need to look back on the past honestly and look to the future with what i want to be different and trust that my desired future already exists. I have read this in many books but i guess ultimately i have to work things out for myself in this life.

I have also been thinking about leaving BALG since I haven’t really found a sense of community here, but i know that that is just misguided feelings and self pity. I realized that it isnt the people of the forum who are at fault, but me, because this has happened my entire life no matter where i am or who i am around. What kind of audacity do i possess where i feel like i can just jump into a community as a newbie who doesnt know the first thing about what they are doing and expect to be welcomed with open arms by veterans who have nothing better to do than help me learn to crawl. Its just disrespectful on my part, i havent put any time or effort into cultivating any sort of relationship with anyone but then i get sad when my posts get buried.

Anyways, this thread is going to be the only thing i will post on until i have something to contribute to the development of others and the exchange of information that happens here

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Since stepping back from actual practice and focusing on fundamentals, i have had a few interesting experiences. It seems like my house has become a magnet to animals (or maybe im just more aware of it now). Cats have been hanging out in my backyard, a group of wasps made a best outside my bedroom window (one stung me on the wrist), and there are several bird nests in the tree out front. It is spring but i dont recall there being this much activity in the past. Either way, i enjoy having some form of nature interact with me on a daily basis since i am stuck in the suburbs. Ive also noticed my mood has been stabilizing and i get along with others a lot better. I feel im being drawn away from angelic/demonic currents towards animalistic workings

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Enjoying your journal so far friend, hope you stick around and keep contributing :two_hearts:

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Recently i got passed up on a promotion that i have been breaking my back for. The guy who got the job is a good fit and deserves it but i still cant help but feel disappointed. Im trying to find the bright side of this, so i guess i am happy that i can relax a bit and have more energy to use outside of work. I have been learning guitar and continue to progress in my singing ability, and ive begun to play warhammer which might be a good outlet for my competitive and artistic sides.

I have also been attempting to rid myself of addiction. I have been smoking weed less and less, same with pornography, although my nicotine and netflix addictions are still strong as ever.

Anyways, moving on to my practice, i bought my first tarot deck about a month ago (murder of crows tarot) which i have neglected to learn in the short time i have been practicing. I really like this deck as it reminds me of Neil Gaiman’s Sandman mixed with Edgar Allen Poe or Stephen King horror elements. Ive been doing 3 card Major Arcana readings every day before work to learn the majors and then i will begin to incorporate the minor arcana when im comfortable. The more recent readings showed that the guy who was promoted means the death of my aspirations in that job and it is time for me to once again seek a new path. Another one said that i am about to enter into a very difficult time but right as the last of my strength is about to fade i will find respite and possibly my twin flame.

I still feel as though i have no clue of what i am doing despite reading many books and amassing a certain level of knowledge of magick. However i feel like it is time to start up again and begin manifesting the life i truly want.

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So i did some archangel magick to help with slowing the effects of age on a loved one and guidance on where i can go from here to continue growth and achieve my ambitions. During this I also received a much needed reminder that magick is not just when i petition spirits and actually do things in ritual, it is something that happens all day and those rituals are an amplification of that.

I guess now would be the best time to actually put my goals for magick at least, in writing. My immediate goals are to learn astral travel and to maintain the mindset that my thoughts and intentions throughout the day have an effect on my reality, and to use that toward building myself up along with my loved ones instead of tearing down myself and others.

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Its been awhile since I updated this, but I am yet again at an impasse in my practice. I have been reevaluating my stance on magick since my dictatorially religious relative is back living with me. It doesnt help that she is constantly attempting to brainwash me with Young Earth creationist videos and lectures, Qanon conspiracy videos, and the like. I find that whenever she is with me I live in a state of fear, not knowing if the vaccines rolling out now are euthanasia in disguise or not, and more importantly the status of my immortal soul as I practice magick. On my own I am very experimental with my work and have been feeling around in different currents to try to find a good fit. However, this relative (the kind who ONLY talks religion and politics) believes these things so deeply that I cant help but doubt what I believe to be true. According to her belief even going through angels is blasphemous as I am not directly praying to Christ God himself.

My mind is clouded and confidence in my path has been lost. I am unsure of what to do other than find my true divine will. I have wanted to do the Abramelin Operation for about a year now but I have a difficult time committing to something that requires such isolation. I work two jobs currently and between that and my housemate I have very little time to myself to begin with.

Sorry if this post is a buzzkill, i always get very moody this time of year. Today is my 23rd birthday andI get so sick of people telling me I should celebrate when I haven’t done anything with my life that deserves celebrating. One of the main reasons I turned to magick was to find a way to become fully self sufficient as an adult so I wouldnt have to rely on support from others to survive. I am sick of feeling like a leech and feeling more and more indebted to others when i cant return the favor.

I need to do some serious thinking

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Wowzers, I just went down one of those youtube rabbitholes that completely changed everything. Mere minutes after my last post i came across some videos talking about the historical context of a lot of the scripture that my relative was telling me about. A lot of it I already knew, but the seeds of doubt sprout mighty trees that tend to block my view of the big picture and impede logic. Thank you Universe and you observers who watch my growth for helping me find my way again.

On another note I am suddenly drawn to talk about an experience I had a few months ago, as I watched a few videos on Wicca (which I still know next to nothing about.) So to me the Celtic deity Cernunnos bears some similarity to The Horned God of Wicca (let me know if im way off on this) A while back I was in meditation and Cernunnos appeared before me, he was just his head and upper torso, with a thick red beard and Bull’s horns. He made it known to me he was Cernunnos and when I asked about his horns he showed me a satellite view of my country (USA) and images of cattle pastures. I knew from this series of images that he took that form due to the bovine centered culture we have here as opposed to the deer/elk culture of Celtic hunter/gatherers. We didnt communicate much more after that since my current lack of clairaudience is very limiting, but he did help me in some other ways that I won’t mention here.

I want to learn more about wicca as I see many similarities between it (horned god and triple goddess aspects of it) and the pre christian religions of my franco-germanic and celtic ancestors, especially since their deities have reached out to me.

So, its been a while since I posted here but I’ve been having a rough go of things. My overly intrusive relative who I am staying with shared their findings (after no doubt many instances of scouring my belongings while i am at work, which i have evidence of) with my parents, effectively poisoning my image in their minds, I have been picking up a sense of discomfort from them whenever we speak on the phone and they have dropped subtle subconscious hints of what has been going on. I am sure this relative has told them that I am up to all sorts of witchcraft and satanic activities without even attempting to talk through it with me first to get a better understanding of what I am doing (i have chosen to not curse anyone, call forth the spirit of the deceased, divination through necromancy, or the like. Which incidentally is all the christian bible has to say on this matter afaik)

This brings me so much pain I have trouble containing my rage around this person, but I still wish them no ill will and all the happiness that comes from being unaware of the pain they have brought me. It just baffles me how someone who walks around with so much self-righteousness and dares to speak that their way (christianity) is the only correct way of life can participate in such vileness as to rape my privacy and autonomy, pass unfounded judgement on me and to alienate me from my own parents. I must admit that such a simple thing has brought me back to the brink of despair as my parents, and my relationship with them, mean more to me than anything in this existence.

Anyways, enough of my ranting. In these past months I have read Manifest as You Read by Richard Dotts, and Sacred Geometry and Magical Symbols by Iva Kenaz. I have also started DuQuette’s Enochian Vision Magick and The Art of War, to try and outmaneuver this relative who openly claims to be more intelligent than me, i guess we shall see.

Manifest as You Read strikes me as a strange book, it was fairly short but has been very effective thus far in increasing my awareness of my casual thoughts and intentions and letting go of those that arent in my best interest. For those who havent read, the author refers to the unconscious mind as “Not-Mind”, which almost has a servitor-esque flavor to it and I wonder if the book is actually a magick program for this servitor under the guise of self hypnotism like the author claims. Either way its a pretty good one for manifestation beginners however it works and i recommend.

Otherwise, havent been in contact with any entities of any kind as far as i am aware, but have been finding dark gray bird feathers all over the place which i intuitively know is some kind of sign, but im not yet sure of what. I have been enjoying this break as a lot of things in my life are changing right now and I’m not sure i could handle the dramatic influences on my personality as well.

To end on a somewhat happy note, I have finally learned to play my first song on (lead) guitar and have made a lot of progress in my vocal technique and music production skills. Here’s hoping this second half of the year goes better than an already decent first half.

I would also like to say thank you to those who have been liking and replying to these journal posts, I know my progress is painfully slow but I will get there soon, and that day will undoubtedly come sooner knowing that there are people out there who are supporting me along the way.

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Today I decided to do a past life regression session to find the roots of some behavioral and emotional predispositions that I have had throughout my life. After some searching on BALG, I came across one by Brian Weiss that seemed to be right.

When I was very young, I seemed to be very happy and content, but as I grew older a certain bitterness and melancholy became attached to me and I have been curious why I became this way.

In the session we experience 4 different scenarios:

  1. Childhood memory
  2. Utero memory/birth
  3. Past life memory
  4. Contact with a guardian spirit

My childhood memory took me back to my first fishing experience with my grandfather in Florida. This is one of my most beloved memories, as fishing was his favorite hobby for most of his life and the fact that he would share this with me made me very happy. I watched from above as I caught my first ever fish, a stingray, and as he helped me remove it from the hook. I continued to watch as we walked back from the dock into the woods as I found a pistol shaped piece of driftwood, which now operates as one of my magick weapons. As I grabbed the piece of wood, I experienced flashes of all the other times I fished and the first time I took a life, cleaning a fish I caught to make dinner.

The in-utero memory was warm, sounded like it does in movies and i could hear my parents voices laughing and full of love. Then i exited the womb and watched from above as my parents received me into their arms and felt the love they have for me.

My past life memory consisted of two parts. The first was a foggy glen with a cloaked figure standing in a clearing with trees bordering the small area. The figure said nothing and the scene transitioned to an older man sitting on a bench watching birds as another person walks up and fires a pistol into his chest. I am unsure which party was me but I can see the connection now with the driftwood.

As I encountered my guardian spirit, they reached out to me with open arms and received me with a loving embrace. We stayed there floating in the dimly lit aether until I had to go.

Although I didn’t directly experience a memory that showed me the reason for my feelings, I did experience exactly what I needed to in this session. All of the experiences I had from my current life revealed the unconditional love for me that exists in this life which is undoubtedly even more important. It has been a long time since I have felt actual love from anyone as I have been so absorbed with myself and in my own head that I have forgotten what is around me, which is likely the cause for my current temperament more than any past life experience.

I wanted to do this to prepare myself emotionally for my upcoming foray into Celtic shamanism. After looking and dabbling in many paths I finally decided to let go of the reins and allow a path to come to me. (I feel like these Duh! moments happen far too frequently lol) This is how shamanism of the Celtic variety entered my life. I find this a very aesthetically appealing path especially since it has ties to my ancestry and will be a good challenge finding sources that haven’t been obliterated by Christian authors. I picked up the book “By Oak, Ash, and Thorn” by D.J. Conway. It seems an appropriate introduction to this path and includes guided meditations for each section. My next step would be to maybe look into the OBOD resources when I have a little bit of cash to throw around

Edit: I know I don’t normally respond on this thread to other members but I would enjoy interpretations of some of those memories if you feel so inclined

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Last night I did a guided meditation for finding animal totems. It was an extremely relaxing experience, much more so than my other experiences with guided meditation (i had trouble moving afterward bc i went so deep). During this exercise I encountered a totem which I knew I had but childishly ignored bc it wasn’t “cool” enough. It was a young male deer. Upon seeing this creature at this point in my life I recognized the regal nature of the young stag, and even though a traditional prey animal, I realized the power and ferocity that they possess. I am happy to say that I am guided by a mighty and beautiful stag now and I accepted it with open arms and respect after asking for forgiveness.

During this experience I was also visited by the spirit of my childhood dog, my best friend for most of my pre-adult life. I also asked him for forgiveness as I was not the best companion to him when he was alive, which I have always blamed on my unawakened state. To tell the truth I always knew better and I intensely regret constantly messing with him. The licked me on the cheek which I knew was his acceptance and immediately I felt as if a boulder had been taken from my chest. I now feel more worthy of him watching over me and providing protection as he did when I was young.

Tonight I will do another meditation to deepen my relationship with the stag and visit my friend once again. Also its nice that some deer live nearby me so I can observe their behaviors in the wild when i get the chance.

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A few updates this time.

Ive been hearing the female voice more frequently, usually either when im nearly asleep or after intense psychological strain. Sometimes i can make out my name being said but the rest is garbled. I really want to gain communication with them since I feel nothing but good will coming from them. I think i saw her in a dream as a young girl who set a dog upon a fox who belonged to a man who was trying to harm me. The dream was very strange and seemed like a vision where I may be targeted by something but will ultimately prevail.

The second update relates to my literal hot-headedness. I was doing some research into berserkers as I have always been fascinated with the name and I have ancestral links to Germanic peoples. When I read the description of berserkergang, the state that they go into, it perfectly described the fits of rage that I go into when I get set off. I will have to do more research into how they kept themselves from entering the state randomly but I thought that was interesting.

Called on Michael today for protection specifically related to my mind. I have been feeling unsure of myself and unstable in recent times and i felt i needed some help. I received an audible “here” from a deep voiced man, as my skin began to cool and lightly sweat. This is the first time ive actually heard a voice after calling on something specific, other times have been before sleep, when im in danger, etc. Since then I have felt somewhat more at ease and been thinking more clearly.

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I swear, either some of you (or some randos) are watching me or there is something out there waiting for me to achieve a new level of consciousness. I was practicing a light trance the other day and I heard very audibly in a whisper “is he doing it?” This is not the first time i have experienced hearing a voice/s talking to someone else and feeling like i was being watched. It may even be the same voice as before but the first time was before I even joined BALG. Needless to say, I am very intrigued and wish to gain communication with it/them as soon as possible. Kind of lost how to even go about achieving this but its all part of the journey i guess

Edit: I also found a dead dragonfly on my doorstep this morning when i got home from work. I dont typically see these in my area so I thought it may have some correlation to my recent progress.

The skin on my hands has been flaking off a lot recently (most of my fingers, like a sunburn) and my first reaction was “I’m molting!” lol. Lots of signs pointing to change and growth in my life recently. Things are looking good

I thought I got my first successful manifestation when I found a scratchoff for 50k, enough to buy the car ive been trying to manifest (for free, figured why not). Turns out it wasnt a winner, at my misunderstanding about the game rules. At least know I know precisely the emotion to dial into for manifesting this thing, i was screaming and dancing the whole drive to the claim center. The whole ordeal trying to cash it in was super humiliating and helped tear down my oversized ego which is another benefit.

Been doing Nithyanandas third eye meditation for about 4 days. Been seeing a lot of orbs of light and I feel the effects of other people’s energy a lot more in public places.

I still don’t really understand what he means when I’m supposed to visualize looking at him through my third eye. I think I get visualization as far as outside of my body goes, and for anything effecting my body I kind of imagine viewing myself from the outside and apply the beam of golden light or what have you effecting that body which occupies the same space i do. My trouble comes from visualizing my third eye, and then looking through that at his image.

What Ive been doing is kind of focusing my awareness to that location which causes a sensation like a build up of pressure in that spot, then I visualize a laser shooting from between my brows directly at his third eye.

I guess if I’m getting results it must be good enough, I’ll review this after i have done more days.