Pathworking My Current Past Life (Shadow Work)

Balls…now the “updates” will take me to the end… A fitting response :wink:

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Oh, I didn’t get it at first and it’s because I quoted you, so you jumped most of the ramble train. I see how are you are.

Sneaky littttleee sonofabich lmao. :rofl: :laughing:

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Norse being analytical/logical/strategic myself…

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This so hard lmao, granted if I’d not gotten real mad at you that one time, you might be caught up on your own lmao. Shame on me!

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? I’m caught up on most of my threads that are immediate and interactive. I do sing to an angel daily, so I could technically be caught up on all…

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I mean caught up reading my ramble trains. You stopped reading this one a while back- it’s my fault you had to life hack to the bottom of my thread. :stuck_out_tongue:

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But I still took the bait…

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I technically only got up from my nap, to grab a drink/take a pee things like that- mundane stuff. But I noticed I have a headache again. It’s not really uncommon for energy to affect me pretty hard, but the Angels of Omnipotence, have affected me harder than pretty much any other energy to date. I know we are labeling these spirits as angels, but other than a rank, what does that even really mean? They certainly don’t feel like any other angels I’ve encountered.

I know it’s not really uncommon to find headaches when you are adjusting to new energy, or even getting quite literally physically sick as I found myself shortly after doing the initiation ritual for this work, and then particularly after Elubatel interjected his opinions into my life and my kitchen.

That train of thought made me pause and think though, that this time it’s a little different and that’s kind of interesting and fun to see. Most of the grimoires we see massively worked through are with entities that are well documented. We have years of resources, rituals, sigils and all sorts of things for most of the popular entities. Even Enochian for that matter. Hagrove released a book not too long ago as an easy system to use Enochian angels and demons, but gosh. Have you ever taken a look at how much is out there on Enochian, and Dee and all the debates about what actually happened when it was first presented?

The Angels of Omnipotence are obviously not new, but the material is real limited still. I know Brand utilizes Elubatel and I believe one other from the group but this entire system of magic is still pretty new. As far as I know and have seen it’s the only complete system for the angels right now.

It’s kinda of like when I release a servitor to the forum. Both times I released one publicly, I had a small group of people test my servitor first, to be sure it was what I thought it was prior to releasing it to everyone. But even with nothing to be concerned about, I still followed Luna’s thread hard for the first few days, then weeks and even still- every time I get a notification about her, I try to take a minute to actually discern what I am being told to make heads or tails of it.

I know Tempest has a FaceBook group and maybe a patreon and Idk what else that he’s used to test this system of magic and that it sounds like he was working on it for quite some time just helping those who were getting a lot of fall out from Brand’s workings- but this is still pretty new and untested as an entire system and that’s obvious in the google results for the Angels of Omnipotence. We found one page where the author talked about their experience with the initiation ritual with these angels and how they obtained the information.

That’s really not much. I personally am interested in seeing how things develop across the board with this system of magic. My energy system is affected hard, especially if I skip a day in working with it. It’s almost better to not skip, despite whatever I’ve got going on, because this headache thing sucks and I notice it every single time I miss a beat.

Tempest does say that if you are having negative affects it’s likely that you are not doing your part towards the results. He’s pretty clear with where to place the blame, so I have to think it’s not really that coincidental that when I skip a day, I find myself with a gut wrenching headache.

Skipping days, regardless of the reason, probably isn’t really doing my part towards my results, is it?

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I obviously am continuing my work with the Angels of Omnipotence by Tempest. I keep getting the feeling I’m not quite done with Elubatel, but that the work that has been done so far, will continue to on in the background while I move along to the next the angel- Ebuhuel.

Unfortunately I look at these sigils and for the most part think something a long the lines of well, I don’t really need any more of that, or I can’t see how this would benefit me. I’m sure however that at some point, if I don’t reach out, I’ll find myself face to face with this angel just like the last. I’ve decided that since I have sleep problems, some self induced and others simply factors of life, that I should use the sigils for increasing physical energy and healthy sleep.

Both items seem like small things in my day, but the biggest thing that leads to me being moody is lack of quality sleep time. I go so many days without a good sleep that I just eventually crash and sleep something like 36 hours, like I have the last few days, only getting up to pee and for a quick snack. I’m sure it’s not the healthiest and I’d probably be much happier if I had more energy when I was up and better sleep when I was down.

I also realized that since I redacted some of the information I shared with the book club, that I haven’t shared here the fact that I am waiting on a phone call from one of the state senators offices. I’m not really sure how or if that will help my legal situation as I am unwilling to do certain things for my children’s sake, but it is definitely results of sorts, that I was not expecting, and they are definitely due to the prompting by Elubatel to write a rather emotional letter and send it off to my state senators.

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I seem to have hit another bit of a slump. I’m almost disappointed in myself for how often these slumps appear in my life, except… except I think it’s kinda to be expected for someone whose home full time with very low commitments in life. Essentially I have all of about six days a month I have requirements and the other days are freebies, mine to do whatever I want to with them.

Most people would think it was great, but me? Meh it reminds me off of when my daddy was forced to retire after a massive heart attack and finding out he had agent orange cancer-pretty much everywhere. When you don’t have enough time, well many of us wish we had more vacation time, or time off and here I am with the rest of my life in front of me, still and little idea of what I want to do with it most days.

I have ideas and plans and thoughts and all of that. I have things I want to do, things I should do and yet… Getting myself to do them is like pulling teeth. I have even gone through a slump recently with not caring if things were as tidy as I like them, un/fortunately I can never let that side of life go long, I know it’s harder to clean when things are a mess and well it doesn’t actually take long to do any of it since I’m always alone.

The other thing is I recently decided to change some things up, as I feel like the herbal supplement I’ve been taking daily is having a few negative impacts to my life, despite being mostly a fun herb. I had personal reasons for swapping nearly full time to this particular thing, but I guess for now I’ve decided to see if that herb is what is causing a few of these random not so normals for me. As such I’m sure at least part of this slump can be blamed on this change, as I’ve often noted that any change be it dietary or routine wise, tends to effect me negatively at first. It’s only been about 30 days that I’ve been taking this particular herb very consistently though, so I would assume that it will be short lived as far as how hard it affects me goes.

I also decided it has been months since I could be outside for more than a few minutes due to the cold, so I should probably get my ass outside, even if it’s just on the balcony, for a few minutes everyday. It seems silly for someone who loves the sun and has endless amounts of free time, but for some reason I just don’t want to go out, period- so I am making myself, I’m sure I need more sun and fresh air.

The other change in life is where I am sleeping. I’ve noticed increasingly that I have shoulder pain from how I sit for so long coloring, sketching or on the computer and the couch just isn’t cutting it. Throw into the mix that my son wanted to pre-rearrange the living room, for when @Anziel_Merkaba moves in to the set up that we expect will be needed for the living room to be part time living room, part time son’s bedroom. We did it around 5 am Saturday morning, before we went to bed. He was just so excited and I couldn’t see any reason to say no. My couch has literally sat on every wall in the room due to this- just trying to figure out what feels the most natural as far as room assembly goes.

That’s all fine and good and I think I do like the arrangement that we agreed upon except… it puts me directly across from the tv, a black screen. I really don’t want to risk rolling over and freaking out in the middle of the night and either end of the couch is just as bad as the other. I do have a full sized bed but, its such an old school cheap mattress, that it literally hurts my hips to lay in it, hurts my back to lay on my back etc. So I ordered a 3 inch lavender infused memory foam mattress pad.

Yes I know it’s either oils or chemicals as far as the lavender goes but, I like the scent and it seemed like a cool idea, who knows maybe it would help me sleep and if not? Well I did have the notion it might kinda just always scent the room lightly, like an air freshener. I’ve only had it long enough to sleep on it once, and my hips still hurt every time I woke up to roll over but… I was able to fall asleep on the bed easier than before so I’m hopeful. I’m real hopeful because if this doesn’t help, I’ll be casting magic for a new mattress to replace this one- seems like a lot of hassle lol.

There’s also a new neighbor. Last week one was evicted out of the efficiency, and two days ago someone moved into my old apartment. Kinda weird honestly since that was my space for so long, and I still don’t quite feel like this new, bigger apartment is my space yet. It will eventually but I’m still in the awkward, eh idk bout this stage with it.

I know my random rambles rarely make sense, but the point I am slowly getting around to is that it seems I had a recent knowing where I need to be doing something magical each and everyday even if it’s minor. This has caused me to pause and think about what minor magical thing I can do each day to make sure I hit this lowly bench mark of if it’s minor it counts. Probably not the best take to have on things but it’s been my take since I came into the information that it was time for me to make sure this is part of my daily life.

The good news is, it already is a part of my daily life. I kinda thought so but since I’ve been taking mental note of when I do minor magical things on a daily basis it’s become more clear that there is something every single day that I do. Be it influencing a game in an attempt to increase the rate I see a particular map, or playing doctor mommy and bandaging up a wounded son, or simply working on artwork that will at some point, if not that point be used for a servitor- I am doing something magical everyday.

That’s good news but, what does this mean? Am I reaching the benchmark of do something minor magical everyday? It seems like it but if it that is the case, I may need to reevaluate what the knowing meant. I was thinking it and knowing it when it happened, so did my translation of what it meant come through wrong? If not, then why would I need to know it? If I’m good, why wouldn’t it have been something like Doing a great job Keteriya, keep it up.

Do I need to redefine what I consider minor as far as my practice goes? Does it need to be that I do one thing above and beyond what I naturally do? What does minor actually mean to me and for me? If I do it naturally that does seem minor, even if I know many people would consider some of what I do not so minor. I can’t say that minor/energy output are equitable with my definition of minor, but I could say that easily accomplished/minor are.

I think, what feels right is that I just need to start going out of my way to do some type of magic. As in not something I would ordinarily do. It doesn’t need to be something out of character, but not something I do instinctively in the moment.

I get it, you get brownie points if you followed me all the way through that. :stuck_out_tongue:

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I haven’t been active on the forum in weeks. But my magical practice has none the less, not had much of a pause. I’ve had a social life here lately, so while I’m often where I do not have cell phone service, I’ve still been at it, and there’s been more than healthy dose of drama going on in my mundane life.

It all started with telling Anziel, I had no desire for him to move in with me. I’d spent weeks arguing with him, avoiding him, and just pretty certain that I couldn’t live with someone who couldn’t respect me enough to hear what I say, though he could often repeat what I said, and would be all no I hear you, well clearly not since he showed up at my doorstep anyways.

I even had a friend hear me, tell him 6 days in a row I’d changed my mind. They at first agreed, I was just scared of change but then after I got downright mean about it, they got it. I tried to be the nice guy, and when someone unwanted showed up anyways, I continued to play the part.

At least until they broke my only two house rules regarding my minor daughter. Then all bets were off and I found myself in active, mundane- bitch mode.

The only thing I could think was well, I tried to be nice, tried to take the blame, tried to do what was right- but no one fucks with my livelihood, leeches off me or puts my custody agreement at risk.

I’ve contemplated whether or not even bother keeping journals anymore. I don’t feel it’s particularly necessary yet… I find myself constantly going over things in my mind. Words that form sentences that form paragraphs, of shit I just probably need to let loose of.

I think about how someone decided to hole up in my bed, refuse to get help or leave and I go well. Honestly I was not nearly as mean as I could have been. Making someone realize that while I had been hopeful and I tried real hard, truth is it was only just another conquest for me, so sorry about your hurt feelers, and baneful magic you’ve been trying to effect me with. Good luck on that, I don’t have time to even bother actively deflecting such whimpy attempts to harm me and mine.

Then I laugh to myself, because I realize that when the momma bear comes out or I get downright irate or mean over something someone said about J, that no one knows my weakness. We all have one, and I know exactly what mine is, and so does one other living person- but he’s not going to tell. He’ll take it to the grave to keep me safe.

I still wouldn’t recommend pissing with anything I call mine, just cuz you never know what might trigger that inner bitch, or what back pocket cards I have on you, or what my secrets really are- I’m really good at keeping to myself anything that could actually harm me, and making people think they know me- but goodness help anyone who ever trips over what my real weakness is. It wouldn’t hurt me as much as it would them, and I know that for fact. My flight or fight instinct runs too deep, and just thinking about anyone going there, makes it very clear to me exactly what I’d be willing to do for that weakness. Let them think it’s my kids or J. Better for them that they do.

So I don’t really have a point to this ramble, other than to say roughly 3 weeks ago, I made a decision that 360’d my life and changed my future trajectory completely. It’s been really great, I’ve been really happy with my decision, super pleased with my magic and it’s ability to come in right away, and I’ve had a lot of time to think and process things.

A lot of time to wonder if I’ll ever change. The answer is probably not. There’s all of one person in the life that’s presence in my life, affects me in a way that makes me honest and true, and there’s really no point in pursuing much else, so sorry to hear about your luck, I tried for your sake because I felt bad when I realized it was just another game to me, but damned. Shame on you for fucking with my life, you left me no choice but to send ya packing- and mundanely, because it wasn’t even necessary or worth expending magical energy.

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I’ve been think a lot about my father lately. My father was someone I looked up to, admire, loved and respected- despite the fact I knew he was more than a little fckd up emotionally, had at least as many character flaws as the adult version of me does, and could be a generally awful human being- once in a while.

I guess finding myself married to an individual, that distinctly reminds me of my father, at least at times, would logically cause me to think about him a bit more than I have on a normal basis- for years. It’s not in anyway a bad thing, in fact a lot of times it’s amusing to see some of the quirks that long ago left me life.

For example, wiping off the sink faucet after use, so that there are not any white icky water spots left. A general dislike for being dirty, as well as pretty much anything you could call a bug, while still being more than willing to get dirty if needed- yeah. That one is familiar too. Even things like, which seat he picks when we eat out, are really not things I find unusual. Life has a way of helping us to develop quirks. I think it’s interesting, it’s a reflection of what stuck, what mattered, what drove someone insane about another person, an indication of how they are coping with their current past lives, and well pretty much is at least a part of what makes us, unique individuals.

Like I told his son’s girlfriend, and her brother last night- being different in anyway, or believing different because of life, or whatever- isn’t a bad thing. It just means you’re different, you are your own. Sometimes our quirks are so ridiculous, they are funny to ourselves.

I have a few like that. Things that drive me insane, I’m practically obsessive over it, and it’s so stupid- because I recognize fully, it’s ridiculous. But it’s also me.

Anyways, to get off quirks which are an interesting topic, and back to my father, it seems. I find myself confused. I have a lot of instincts, behaviors, world views, and so much more even… that I recognize come distinctly from my father, because I saw them in him, I see them in my husband and well. Guess who was not in the military, whose life had very little military influence, and basically has no real reason to have those values, behaviors, instincts or views?

Yeah. I’ve had a conflicted minute trying to comprehend things, and figure out which are just coincidences and which things are because I am the daughter of a Vietnam war veteran, a man who served three tours and came home holding American records for being a pretty badass soldier. Yeah, I was always proud of my dad, despite the fact I always knew I didn’t fully comprehend the very few things he said about the war, the impact it had on him as a person, or have any idea I would have interest in it years later.

If I’d only known he wouldn’t be here, I would have had more questions. Eh, not true. I did know. From heart problems to agent orange cancer when I was 15, I should have well been aware that his survival until I reached the age of 19, was an opportunity.

Alas I missed it. Now I sit here, once in a while contemplating which things I thought my dad did that were just because I was a child, and he was trying to entertain me, fun games so to speak in his eyes- even if I didn’t enjoy them, so I’ll play along.

I was born ridiculous. I accept it. I also accept that man, a lot of times in life I’ve thought that I was thrown into things I wasn’t prepared for. Things I wasn’t supposed to have to do, or shouldn’t have to do, or just fcking shouldn’t even be a thing…

But sitting here this morning, I was thinking about the things my dad did teach me, and how he taught to them to me. A lot of them I didn’t realize were life fcking lessons. I swear. As an obviously intelligent child, that comprehended many things I shouldn’t have, had more complex thoughts than I realized children were capable of as tiny kids, and all of that- that he could have clued me in. Couldn’t have been like my husband, who says this is important, pay attention? lol I swear I would have gotten it.

Probably not, but it was hilarious to consider for a minute.

I thought most of the life lessons were rather hilarious to consider for a minute.

You see, my daddy taught me how to play dominoes, with the adults when I was a kid. He taught me the rules, not to cheat, how to count the hand, to watch what gets laid by who, to make logical assumptions based on the domino played in front of me, so that I could determine who might have what. He taught me how to toy with the other players and play bad dominos, so I could set the players up to fail. He taught me how to communicate with my partner, how to watch their hand so that I could support them.

My daddy also taught me how to play black jack, when I was probably 3 years old. He taught me how to access risks, the importance of paying attention to instincts, being able to reason all the way through a problem, yet make a decision without delaying when it’s important, he taught me to keep it to myself what I had, and he even taught me sometimes being safe, isn’t good enough because someone else can still beat you. Is the potential gain, greater than the potential loss.

My daddy, taught me how to raise a foal, not only from the moment it was born, but throughout it’s mothers pregnancy. He taught me how to watch, to pay attention, and recognize changes in the mother. He taught me how influence the new life, so that it would be easier later. He taught me how to bond with something else, how to love and nurture it, but to remember who was boss. He taught me how to discipline, without it being a cold, cruel or traumatic thing. He taught me that the things we enjoy need taken care of.

He taught me how to build fence, so I would know how to get dirty and work hard. He taught me to look for money as you walk in parking lots, not only because sometimes you get lucky and lots of people drop shit out of their pockets, but also so I’d know how to watch for things. He taught me to pay attention to the things people said, to listen, to pick up on details to show others you are listening, you value them and the conversation, or that you actually have something of value to add yourself, but also so you can figure out your place in that particular scenario. In addition to knowing your place, he taught me these things so I could discern my stance.

When I was little, and let a high school football player, whom he didn’t know drive his corvette for homecoming- my daddy taught me how to be generous when I had things others didn’t, that were nicer, or even newer.

My daddy didn’t teach me to cook, but he did teach how to take care of others. Being the daughter of an alcoholic, I learned that sometimes we need to cope with life.

Those who don’t cope, break. Period, it doesn’t need to be the right or best coping mechanism to get the point across. I got it.

Even though I wouldn’t want to do it now, because I’m old and decrepit, my daddy taught how to get out of window, if I wasn’t on the ground floor and needed an escape route. He taught me how to be dependable, reliable, spontaneous yet logical. Sometimes I have to work problems backwards, to figure them out but… guess what. Not everyone can work a problem out period, let alone backwards. I’ll take it, because the ability to reason through things is not a bad thing, even if it does add a delay in response time, depending on what I broke and trying to fix.

He taught me to be strong, to work as hard as the men, to earn what I had, to be appreciative, thankful and many generally good things.

I had most of these thought out with a little better wording, when I started. It’s not flowing quite as easily as the original thoughts did, but the point is my father was very influential in my life, in many ways that I was not conscious of. It’s too late to ask if any of these were intentional, or simple coincidental. It doesn’t really matter either way, other than it would be interesting to know.

It’s also interesting to know, my dad didn’t teach me to need others. He taught me conflicting things like how to live the life I’m currently living, but also how to be a strong independent, free thinking woman. He taught me to listen to my husband, to converse and discuss, he taught me how to submit, yet to stand my ground when it was important to me (dude you like the kind of toilet paper I would never pick… but I don’t actually care at all, so let’s buy your brand. Duh, I don’t actually care and you do, so the logical thing is to concede.)

Yet I still can’t find anywhere he taught me to need others. From not relying on others, to valuing working hard and being proud of my accomplishments, man dad covered most of the basics.

My dad wasn’t single when he died, he was in fourth marriage (my mother was two of those), sixth child, and his wife lived in Pennsylvania, while he had an old lady in a boathouse in Oklahoma. He didn’t like Pa, and my stepmom wasn’t going back so. :woman_shrugging:t3:

I guess. I guess that’s probably a lesson he didn’t get himself. It can be difficult to make yourself vulnerable, to give someone else a chance, to develop attachments- particularly when life’s just shat on you a few times. Makes sense in a lot of ways, though it can become a ridiculous cycle of self sabotage amongst other awful things.

Upon first contemplation, it really seemed as if perhaps my father missed something important. Something that potentially impacted his life, his relationships, how he died. But did he? I can’t say, but perhaps my father did get that lesson, but like me along the way found a more important one, one that makes this one seem like it doesn’t really matter, whether or not you ever need another human being.

Because sometimes you just want them. Honestly, I spent a lot of years in a marriage where… I thought I needed something someone else provided. Or several somethings, I thought I couldn’t make it alone or take care of myself. Fear of failure didn’t help anything. If it had just been me, me alone I could have seen so many ways to get the fck lost it wasn’t funny. But I had kids. I just couldn’t figure it out.

I’ve always been the kind of person who didn’t need anyone in their life who didn’t want to be there, with the exception of the one major faux pas. I don’t need someone now, I don’t have a lot but I have what I need, I know how to get things if I have to, I have a strong mind, I can figure things out and a dependable, even if not luxurious financial life is most certainly convenient.

I don’t think any of these things are bad things. He likes to remind me that I chose, and while I do try not to be a cunt, it’s not lost on someone very close to me that with most things in life, I will get over it before you do. I try not to say things like that very often, not only because I don’t particularly want that to be life, but also because I think it matters more that I didn’t need you, I wanted you. I could choose, I did choose, and the fact that we both are willing to put up with each others shit, compromise and have fantastic make up sex- is what actually matters.

Not needing someone, is not necessarily a bad thing. It just means that I don’t have to be a good wife. I don’t have to develop a good relationship with the son, I don’t need to be friends with mom, and I most certainly, do not have to go out of my way for anyone else.

But if I choose to? Doesn’t that indicate the level of importance someone holds to me, and isn’t actually a better thing, that it’s not because I have a need that needs to be met, it’s because I actually want to.

Maybe. Maybe, my father missed an important lesson. Maybe he should have taught me how to make others feel like I need them, even if I don’t, but. I don’t know man. I’m inclined to believe that perhaps he bestowed me with a greater lesson.

Perhaps, time will tell.

Reading this really hit me. I never really could place why I was so dependent on others, always looking for acceptance, or love. But I noticed while trying to do shadow work in my journal a few days ago that I’d always come to the same conclusion. My parents were very absent in my life. They worked so hard to provide for my sister and I, but that ment working, more than teaching us how to grow. I had a dad that was very absent in my life. For a big chunk of my childhood he was off serving the military in germany, and in my teens he either worked or locked himself in his room to work on his college doctorate.

I realize now after reading all the things you listed about your father that my own never really taught me any of that. I never had a proper male figure in my life to reach me to be more independent. It’s now why I have such a hard time thinking for myself, problem solving, and just being more me. I’ve become so dependent on others to help me through life I never learned to how to handle stress, to stand up for myself, and voice my own opinion. Instead I would just hide away or bottle it up which lead to me not knowing how to properly express emotions. I’d become scared of making mistakes I was never taught to handle that I wouldn’t even try. My younger self would hide behind video games as a distraction. I love my parents like anyone else, but my dad I never really bonded with. Even now when they call, my conversations with him are awkward and short lived. I’m getting a bit better now at trying to be more independent but it’s going to take time.

So I guess…what I’m trying to say is thanks for posting this. I guess I’ll need to explore this further in my journal but thats for another time.

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I’m sorry. I obviously can’t directly relate, but I can say I had a maternal lack in some ways, and I’ve known others who felt a hole in their heart due to paternal lackage.

It’s sad, I hurt for you because I know what it’s like to have it, and can imagine it would feel pretty awful to not have it.

But, There’s a lot of interesting things going on in my life right now, and I don’t want to bore you or get into some of it because it either needs further contemplate or I want to actually delve deeper into what it means to but…

Man, my guy doesn’t have the best relationship with his kids. They are both adults now- 20 and 23 and… it’s not even his fault. I know this for fact, even though only one of the two is speaking to him, the others spoken to me about it. So have others that were first hand witnesses to all of the drama I have the fortune to have not had to figure out.

I also know for fact, that my guy feels pain, regret and a longing for the times and experiences he didn’t get to have with his kids.

It’s particular prominent, when we get to have those times with my kids. Several times a month. It’s not his first time being around someone else’s kids, and it’s most certainly not his kids first time around a woman, or man taking up the role of significant other to their parents.

But, it’s a really unique opportunity, because all of those things were so awful. His kids didn’t have a mother like me. He didn’t have girlfriends that gave many shits or went out of their way to do anything for them. His girlfriends kids, well. They were dumb kids who didn’t like mom’s boyfriend.

'Nuff said.

Really I get that, I had step siblings, and I didn’t cause problems, but man my step sister was a tyrant. I’ve gone out of my way to encourage my kids to have a good relationship with their dad’s girlfriend, because well. My stepmom wasn’t the bestest in the whole wide world, but in many ways she was more mom, than my mother was. It wasn’t either’s fault life was the way it was, but it doesn’t have to be a terrible awful relationship.

So back to the point. Neither of his kids really has bothered to care too much about him, and ones not speaking to him and hasn’t for a while, and well. We know why, but it isn’t anything he actually did or said, but rather what was said about him. Man people ya know? Specially kids. I get it, I’ve got one that’s a little tryant atm but I get the need to please the parent most prominently in your life, how easy it is to believe bull shit etc. So I can’t hold being a kid against a kid. I might keep my passwords on a little tighter leash, but… I am still mom, right?

So his son needed something last week, despite the fact we’ve seen him I don’t think since July, and maybe talked to him once on the phone. A late night phone call doesn’t leave much room for discussion, but my words after contemplation were, I support whatever you decide to do in regards to your son. Glad you care what I think, I believe we can and should help him because it was pretty minor, and the good person/parent thing to do, but also because it lets him know we care and support him.

Late night, the sons girlfriend was complaining they needed to get food blah blah, so late, tired and she’s real young. So I diagnosed the situation, found out what she could eat, (lots of allergies) what she liked of the options I had, and made her food.

Then we had them for dinner the next evening, and I inadvertently overhear about how… its… more than a step, but like a step? ya know dad a step up from xxx

Dammit kid, that’s a rude comment in many ways, but your dad’s home should be able to let your dad know you approve, I guess.

Ignored, but heard.

So when his son stops by for something forgotten, needed and important. He only stayed a few minutes, but we were just hanging out and listening to music, dancing and having a good time. On his way out the door, his son says Wow, I’ve never seen my dad this fckd up before. It was hilarious, and I had to bring it up later because all three of us know that is not true.

He’s just never seen his dad that fckd up and happy before. He’s pretty much never seen his dad happy period.

Then of course we managed to have an argument the next evening, his son had something come up he needed some emotional support for and well I was making soup for dinner so get ya’lls asses over here then.

While his son was having a dad talk, I had his girlfriend and her teenage brother in the kitchen. His son bought her an ipad, and she wants to learn to do digital art. She is truly just beginning with digital art, but he’s seen my paper artwork and so has she. I don’t think I am good, but they do lol. It’s obvious she’s had a rough home life and well the maternal warmth and love is lacking.

So she started a goofy little picture that looked kinda like a kids art drawing of their back yard. But I saw a handful of things that would quite easily add depth and make it more like an intentionally done fantasy image. Pointed those out, encouraged her that it actually looked pretty neat, and I could imagine if she played with this or that it might do whatever it was I thought would help. Basically I talked to her just like I would my own daughter.

His son came in and looked over our shoulders and gave me this… knowing look. Like he picked up on I was talking to his girlfriend like she was my own daughter… but he approved. It means a lot to him, that I treat him and his girlfriend, not only like they are young adults but like I would if I was mom. He doesn’t need a mom, he has one, but he still recognizes that wait, it feels kinda nice to be welcomed and cared about by the woman with my dad.

The whole above, and forgotten point about the argument, was that at the end of it my guy pointed out to me, that his even his son was starting to get attached to me. Lol he was making sure I was paying attention :stuck_out_tongue:

So in some kinda weird ways I’m fostering… a new relationship for my guy with his son. It’s not intentional, it’s just me being me and it being a good thing at the right time where things are primed to change. His sons finally an adult, has finally got some experience under his belt where he understands that not everything is how we think we perceive it and he’s seeing the good things and feel goods an adult friendship with a parent can be like. He’s seeing his dad make progress in things that he struggled with for years and well. It’s a good in my opinion. Weird but good.

I’m all real sorry he can’t have what I do with my teenagers, because that’s already in the past. That sucks. Shouldn’t have been that way and I’d fix it if I could but.

I can’t, (well debatable if you want to talk about magic, but… other than experiments or something dire I try not to intervene just because, life experience is good for us sometimes) but we can. He can piss and moan and bitch about what wasn’t, or he can accept it wasn’t, sure childhoods are important but really.

The best years are still ahead. The ones that matter most, like when his son decides to get married or have babies, or looses his best friend- are still to come.

I know that was quite a ramble. I was just hoping to encourage you, that while I quite obviously value this shadow work bullshit-

Please don’t let yourself get too stuck in it, my friend. You can still make the future better than the past was. :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

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Thank you. You’re an amazing person and I wish you the best on this new part of your life.

I’ll definitely keep all you said in my mind. Your right sometimes shadow work can get pretty crazy and I can’t let it stop me from making a better tomorrow.

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I have had so much occur after the past while, that I can’t even begin to update y’all but…

All of you lost ones who aren’t really lost ones
Keep shining your light
This goes out to the wild cards and all of the wild hearts
Just like mine

Now listen
Has anyone ever told you, you’ll never amount to anything?
You’re just wasting your time chasing the tail of a dragon kind of dream
But I’m here to tell you anything can happen in this life
If you got that heart and the passion and a God lit fire inside

Everybody says that you can’t 'til you do
Standing there, staring at the mirror in the room
Tell yourself, “One more day”
“One more day, one more shot” (hang on)
The voices in the night, in your head
Yeah, they’ll pay you to quit
He’ll tell you that it’s hard, 'cause it is
But you can do anything, anything you want to

Thеre’s footprints on the moon

I’m here to tell you hang on, you can do anything you want to. There IS footprints on the moon.

Also pertains to my shadow working, even though it leans more towards the necromancy topic.

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Months later, I naturally notice my grammatical error and realize it should say at the end, but apparently typos apply to ink pen…

and the more I wonder how much do I currently misunderstand.

I was already planning on sharing this, but this topic also hit upon the concepts I was trying to digest, when I wrote this.

I mean, I started out as a Christian, believing in things I was taught and the good versus evil and all of that. As I became drawn to this path, I quickly had to reevaluate those thoughts, or risk whether or not I believed in eternal damnation.

Then we get into the other planes, other entities, other types of magic… and oh yeah, where did we come from?

Whatever I thought at first, I’ve proven wrong or been proven wrong either with facts, experience or both. What’s funny is this hasn’t changed… every time I’ve thought I leveled up, and I knew more than e ever and wow look at my practice…

I eventually found another piece of the puzzle, which in turn caused me to reconsider one or more concepts of my already held belief system.

Knowing this, how can I help but wonder, what else do I think I know, that I actually have no fucking clue about… and how have these thoughts and beliefs affected me and my life and my practice- particularly the negative things, because I sure want to get away from those.

Just food for thought on this shadow working thing and our paths. I think, personally, that as long as we are here on this earth, there is going to be room for this very concept to repeat in our lives, over and over again, a cycle that never ends. But that’s just me and I’m aware that my personal thoughts may need reevaluated… today, tomorrow, or yesterday even.

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The mom mode: Activated

Come on Ket, I can tell when you are here, and when you are not. Says my husband.

Damned. Well I’m just trying to figure out… everything.

You’re just trying to figure out who is trying to harm you.

Well. Wouldn’t that be nice information to have for sure…

No, I’m not trying to figure out the answer to that, we already know the answer. We already know there’s more people involved in the scenario than one would have ever guessed, not to mention it’s such an unlikely thing to have happen, that wrapping your mind around it is a little…rough to say the least.

But I have been spending hours… each and every day for the last few months, working on the mindless techniques. I never really put much stock in trying to maintain the state of trance, or simply just being outside of ritual or meditation. I’ve done a lot of ritual work in which I maintained the state while smoking a cigarette or eating a snack during long operations but…

Carrying it over into full time life… I wasn’t sure there was any benefit to that, until I was really sick, really traumatized and man- well just let me be, I’m overwhelmed so let’s see how this just being thing works while I try to keep on living.

It has been tremendously helpful on multiple levels of my practice. I’ve found I can drop into this state anywhere I go, regardless of what I am doing. (I rarely drive or do anything like that, so yes, I am being safe) If we are watching a tv show I have no interest in, if we are video gaming, if we are taking a walk etc…

So I’ve been running around life, operating in a hyper not focused manner. I’m the kind of person who can focus very intently but holding the unfocused state and allowing all of my senses to operate at once… Idk.

It leaves people (my husband) feeling like I’m here but not here. I hear what he says, I respond but because of the lack of focus needed to maintain the state… it often sounds like I’m not listening. It sounds like I am on autopilot or mom mode is activated.

I can hear, I can make logical responses but retaining the conversation- ehhhh not unless I do focus, which then shifts the state and…

dammit. I must not have it figured out yet. I’ve gotten to wear I can project and do rituals and all sorts of stuff while people around me talk to me, touch me, etc- yet I can’t figure out the operating at the same time in a seemingly normal manner that is unnoticeable.

At least unnoticeable to those who know me and how I speak, think and act. I have learned to appreciate those who strive to live in this state, and yet I wonder if it presented the same problems for them. I have read about all sorts of other troubles, but nothing quite like this, though I know I am never actually the only person to experience things- I still sometimes feel alone.

I’ve alone a lot lately, but it has nothing to do with being alone or not having the support I need. It’s really more of a coping mechanism, where I shut down and make myself feel alone- because of fear of other people’s reactions, because of other reactions, because of my own past problems.

Just more indication there will always be more for me to learn and to overcome in my current lives journey as I leave things behind, I supppose.

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All smiles, I know what it takes to fool this town
I’ll do it 'til the sun goes down and all through the night time
Oh yeah
Oh yeah, I’ll tell you what you wanna hear
Leave my sunglasses on while I shed a tear
It’s never the right time
Yeah, yeah

I put my armor on, show you how strong how I am
I put my armor on, I’ll show you that I am

I’m unstoppable
I’m a Porsche with no brakes
I’m invincible
Yeah, I win every single game
I’m so powerful
I don’t need batteries to play
I’m so confident
Yeah, I’m unstoppable today

Man. I’ve had a great day. But I also had to overcome something I’ve been dreading for a while. See, I still haven’t really been driving. Not since my accident in March 2019. I’ve only driven three or maybe four times in the entire last year, and all of those times was less than a mile from my home.

I’ve not had to. My husband likes to drive and if he has things to do I go with him, and if I have things to do he goes with me. We’ve been able to do literally everything together for six months now, because he’s been home making sure I don’t croak in my sleep.

But now I’m getting stronger and better physically again, and my energy and my spirit have felt good for a while. I’ve been taking it easy and focusing on me until a few days ago, but I’ve been feeling antsy to get rolling with my plans and our life. I’ve noticed he has too, because of the monetary side of being home.

He’s done a few jobs here and there, but this one is an overnight job so when I needed to go to town to take care of this situation, I was shocked to find I was only slightly anxious. I took my time, and planned my trip as there ended up being several errands for me to run, which were all unexpected. The irony of it was real, because yesterday we went to town, specifically so I wouldn’t need to go anywhere at all, unless I chose to.

Well, I chose to. I knew the housemate wouldn’t be interested in driving, but he had offered to pay for an uber for me if I needed to go somewhere before to ensure I got there and didn’t have to take public transit, but I didn’t even consider it.

It’s damned well time I get the fck over it and get back to life. My husband needs to work (wants to) and he needs to know I am going to be okay while he does it. I need to know I am going to be okay to. So I didn’t think about it, I just decided, I prepared, then I just went.

I didn’t call on any spirits for safety as I sometimes do when I feel paranoid and I’m a passenger. I just got in, adjusted the seat, and almost got nervous before I got around the block. But then the thought came to me, that damned. I have driven the path I’m taking for 15 years. I know the towns well, I know the traffic well, I’m a good driver, I’m courteous, conscientious, I’ve driven in big big city scenarios and god dammit, the weathers good. Both my fender bender and the one bad accident I had were in weather conditions I couldn’t have done much to prevent, but I might could have reacted better to.

I know the only damned thing I have to fear is road trance, because I’ve caught myself doing it in the past and trance is easy for me to drop into, so I just need to be sure I’m in body, I’m aware and drive.

I then popped the faceplate back on the radio, we usually talk while we drive, but I’m alone. So I turn it up, roll the windows down and before you know it, I’m almost home again. Then I hear this Unstoppable song, and I’m like yeah. That’s it. That’s exactly it.

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