Pain Control and Protection

I am sorry if this is technically a repost of what I stated in a different section of the forum but I wanted to go a little further into who I am, where I’m coming from with my current goals, and to make myself more transparent to you kind people.

I suffer chronic back and left side pain due to very terrible scoliosis caused by contracting from polio at a young age. I contracted it from the vaccine against polio. This is very rare occurrence but it was possible at the time at which I received it. In my current condition I am known as a “functional quadriplegic,” though I also am bound to a ventilator because I cannot breath on my own for more than an hour or so. I have had many many surgeries in the past and I’m not unaccustomed to pain or being trapped in a hospital bed. My back pain became much more severe beginning in the last week of April of this year. I remember very well because it worsened so suddenly.

Now I have learned that I must have a very extreme surgery on my spine which I believe will help me in the long run but will naturally come with a myriad of risks and possible problems, including death or full paralysis.

Since this pain intensified I have been forced to work only from bed for an hour a day doing organizational tasks for my boss. Not working full time has been very demoralizing for me. I worked six hours a day four days a week and the other two days for four hours. This work was all in my wheelchair, alongside my coworkers, just like anyone would do. I am inexperienced and ask a lot of questions but I worked as hard as I possibly could through my pain and I loved it. I was even close to a promotion and raise.

Because of my disabilities I have been so proud of my ability to even have a job at all and to feel like I can do what is expected of a man my age. When I was a child growing up with my condition I thought I would never be able to work for a wage and I would never be “a real man” because of it. My father taught be that men should never marry unless they can provide for a family financially. I know this philosophy is old-fashioned but it’s very important to me that remain true to it.

Right now I am attempting to do my best to meditate each day on Marbas and Raphael separately while I wait to be operated on in the hopes that I might be able to contact them and explain myself directly.

When I was 12 years old I had a similar operation done and I know that this will be just as bad, if not worse.

I’m not asking for anyone to eliminate my pain or to cure me in any way. All I want is to ask these entities is to at least keep an eye on me.

I feel that I have already been given solid direction on where to start this process of reaching out to entities but please, if anyone has the time to read this and has any further input on my future or current situation, feel free to give it here or to PM me.

Thank you very much for your time.