[Onion's journal]

26th June, 2022
19:22

My exams are over, I’m done with first year. Since a few days I’ve been seeing readings on YouTube where the topic of healing and resting was coming up quite frequently. I was wondering what I need to heel, I hadn’t been feeling low or anything like that so I was puzzled. Last night though, everything made sense.

I was very focused on my exams and just pushing and pushing to get things done. Study for college, do readings for whichever client I got, do my part for a pact, working with Satan and recent new deities and it was all so so much, I wasn’t aware of any of it.

But after finishing the exam yesterday, and a party my friends and I had for our seniors, I was exhausted. I wanted nothing more than to comfortably be sleeping warm and happy. I was relieved, but a little worry about my exam results was already starting to build up and my guide snapped me out of it.

Rest, rest, now is the time for rest. I’ve done everything I possibly can do get the best result, magickally and physically, now I just need to rest and allow it to happen.

I finished my 1st semester exams when I was in the middle of the qliphoth, I remember this because I was writing to a friend about it and I took a break. Now I’m finished with my 2nd semester and haven’t even progressed to a 3rd of the gatekeepers.

Apart from the regular stress of life I’ve also been experiencing a bit of body dysmorphia. I had forgotten about it but I had a call with my mum and she brought up my weight and stuff again and it sort of triggered it all again. And it also made me feel a little ugh about the fact that I’ll be at home for a whole month.

I’ll push through it too, be it good or bad. I have done it before I’ll do it again, no worries.

But for now I will rest. I will let my magick unfold on it’s own and let it guide me to do what’s necessary. I feel a new chapter that will begin soon in my life, so I have to reap the rewards of what I had sown before I can start my new adventure.

That’s all for this entry folks. I hope you have a good day ahead.

4 Likes

1st July, 2022
8:11

Hello hello, I’m good. I haven’t been updating because I honestly didn’t know what to update.

To catch up,
I’m officially done with my 1st year of college. It was a wild ride and I had a lot of fun during it. I look forward to experiencing and learning more in 2nd year.

My laptop got fixed, which made me very happy because I can start writing again.

I’m almost done with Satan. I wrote a date of May in my BoS and it will be 2 months 2 weeks later, after which I will be starting Belial’s gate. I don’t think there’s a specific order that I have? But Belial told me he’s next sooooo :person_shrugging:‍:female_sign:

I think I sleepwalked through this one? Like, I’m not really sure of what I did because the changes were internal and I started thinking of what all has happened during this working. The first is obviously me getting desensitized to a good chunk of stress, I’ve mentioned it quite a few times here.

The next is detachment. Getting detached to things is a little easier, but not necessarily lust for results. I haven’t tried that yet.

Then there’s confidence in my abilities when earlier I used to question everything.

Then some energetic alchemy I really can’t describe.

Learning the power of will and voice, and willing things into existence, I am yet to explore more about the latter.

Anger. I felt anger. It’s not like I don’t get angry, everyone does. But this was a different level of anger which felt like I was on fire.

Well this is all I can think of for now :thinking: If you have observed any changes in me during the past 2 months do let me know :thinking:

I’m home and things have been fine so far but I haven’t got the time for my hobbies yet. That’s fine though, I’m watching RuPaul’s Drag Race in the afternoon. I started with season 7 because it has the queens I like. They ruthless af I’d cry on day 1 :sob::joy:

Things with the girl I like have been a little better, just slightly. I’m walking a thin line between making her feel comfortable and scaring her into a shell. It’s difficult but I am willing to do my best.

That’s all for this entry folks. I hope you have a good day!

:purple_heart:

7 Likes

3rd July, 2022
14:11

Gate 2: Belial

Again, these “gates” are not in order. i’m simply going by my own experience.

For the past few days I’ve been waking up fairly cranky. I have to feed my dogs and clean their living space literally as soon as I wake up and look, I love them okay? I really really love my doggos with every cell in my body but waking up and smelling dog shit when you’re rubbing the sleep out of your eyes is not very ideal for me.

I always have mood swings, it’s a part of adhd as well but these days they’re mostly on the anger side. There was a spirit in my dreams a few nights ago and I legit kept on stabbing it till I couldn’t feel it anymore. Didn’t tell me why it was there or anything and it was sus so :woman_shrugging: . As I said, I have a ton of anger rn and it’s irritating. I have no physical outlet so I’m trying to use it in a hate meditation my friend sent, but I forget about it half of the time.

While having lunch today I noticed that I’m surrounded by a lot of pity party people. Oh xyz didn’t do that for me so I’m still holding on to that grudge. It was ages ago, move on or do something about it. I was getting a little pissed listening to it and sigh.

Before you say, “Well, Onion, instead of ranting here you can just tell them.”

Been there, done that. "Tis useless.

I believe that being restricted by circumstance is beyond us, but being a victim to it is not.

I made a wattpad account yesterday i.e I logged into my old one because the email was same so that I could start writing there and maybe catch the eye of a publisher because hey, books there make it to paper and sometimes the big screen.

50 shades of grey was a twilight fanfiction. And even though I hate that wavy hands thing of a book look where it is now. It’s pretty popular.
My goal is not a raunchy book though, no, I want you to bawl your eyes out and cry till your throat hurts with my writing.

But istg looking at my reading lists there I had to delete them all ASAP! It was just…shudders hhh.

I feel like I’ve gone on a ramble here for which I apologize.

Belial has been telling me to stop being so affected by what’s going on around me and I’m trying, I swear I’m trying but it’s difficult. I am just…chilling these days. I feel like there’s a passive existential crisis I’m having but I’m going with it.

I also feel like I have divination burn out. I have taken a break from my reading business for all of July so that I can R&R.

Ah well, that’s all for this entry everyone. I hope you have a great day!
:purple_heart:

2 Likes

Don’t neglect your shadow @Onion . If you’re feeling burnt out from divination definitely give it a rest. Your shadow self is where these faculties reside. Your shadow self can become tired, used up, broken and sore. If that ever happens you’ll feel weak and feel like you’ve lost your edge or your faculties. There will be much self doubt also.

Thankfully there are rites that can heal and mend and restore a shadow. Let me know if you require any Information or assistance.

4 Likes

I will, thank you so much. I really appreciate it :purple_heart:

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5th July, 2022
8:17

I’m feeling much better today. Had a headache yesterday but went down by evening. I don’t really have much to “report” here. I finally feel relaxed today. I signed up for a lecture series which is awesome. Starts this Sunday. There are 5 lectures, 2 hours each Sunday. I’m assuming we’re gonna get homework too.

Went out with family last evening, had fun. I’m learning a bit of makeup too.

That’s, pretty much it. I’ve been reading The Art of War. Really good book.

My sis got some camphor incense which smells absolutely ethereal, it’s fantastic.

Yep, that’s all. I can’t think of anything else. I hope you all have a good day!
:purple_heart:

4 Likes

I never had camphor by its self. I know that burning camphor is a way to protect yourself from spirits because it confuses them. Maybe I’ll order some to

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I didn’t know that :o
It’s used in rituals here and in weddings, the south Indian ones at least, if the ceremony is late at night/early morning like 2 am or something they give you a few pieces on a stick so that you can smell it and not fall asleep.

I’ll send you the pic of the incense we got if you want.

2 Likes

12th July, 2022
10:25

Gate 2: Belial

I’m going back to college next week, and I had a small 2 week vacation. It’s…way too short then I expected. And when I got the news I was initially sad that I’ll have to leave again. I truly enjoyed myself this time. I had a good time with my family and my pets, and even in times where I was angry enough to punch a wall (I didn’t, for the sake of my own safety), I can say that this time the positives finally outweighed the negatives.

If you’ve been reading my journal for a few months you’d know that I once was deadset on becoming capable enough to be Lucifer’s priestess. But then I thought, I’m not in a temple or a coven, can I be a standalone priestess? Either way, the first task that would take me to the level required for my “training” and education to begin, was to heal my relationship with my family.

Family plays an extremely important role in our lives, we all know that. What and who we grow up around not only shapes who we are as a person but also the relationships we have with people and how we maintain and take roles in said relationships. A person who grew up in a house surrounded by fights or chaos will look for or instigate chaos in their own relationships to feel at “home”.

For the past few nights I have been dreaming of my exes, and last night again, I dreamt I was going to school and I was looking for my socks again. I have observed that my uniform remained constant (my school had different colored uniforms for each level) as well as the fact that I was almost looking for my socks.

Even in real life when I was a school student, I kept losing or getting late because of my socks. The same thing is happening in my dreams. I would keep my uniform for the next day ready, from the tie to the socks to the watch and everything. So that I just had to wear everything before I left. But in my dream I keep hurrying and getting late like I’ll be missing out on something.

I have also observed that in my previous romantic relationships, I gave my all without seeing if I was getting anything in return. It left me sad and angry at the end, but I still gave my everything to it. Because I was acting what I had grown up with.

At home, my role was of the peacekeeper, the people pleaser so I stayed out of trouble. And I was doing it back then too.

I have been replaced a few times by teachers in competitions, writing competitions specifically. I used to almost always win but I lost once and was never sent again. It did a number on my self worth, and it still affects me sometimes. I have not been able to write a single word for any writing competition since 11th grade. I can write for my pleasure but competitions? Nah.

Let me share with you something Belial had told me a few months ago, regarding conditional love- you will only be “loved” as long as you fit the role they want you in, as long as you do what they want you to do. When you break the box people put you in, only then will you know if their love was truly unconditional.

Regarding magick, I have been reading and learning and absorbing information. Bit by bit, so I don’t overload my brain. I’ve had a few transcendental experiences in the past few weeks, as I integrate parts of myself. I had plans for this week which depended on an external factor, but it didn’t go out as I thought it would and my plans went down the drain.

I recently channelled a vampyrism filter sigil from my higher self.

I wish, and I do and will, have magick that goes beyond what I’m aware of. Beyond dark and light, to draw on whatever polarity is required to manifest what I need. It is time now, that I let magick work for me.

I, am back.

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This woww 100% :raised_hands:t3:

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hit me like a truck too

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17th July, 2022
19:42

Gate 2: Belial

Grief is a twisted, complex thing. The passing of a loved one, the closing of a friendship, the loss of an opportunity, the dissapearance of what once was. Grief is painful, and it’s something that we try to avoid, or at least run away from. We should allow ourselves to feel grief. I still mourn the passing of my grandfather, 9 years later. I still mourn the loss of who I once was, but I would not change a thing that’s in the present. Today, was an ending of a chapter with a brother. We’re parting ways, but I understand his reasons.

This too, I shall grieve. I’m an emotional person, I say this often because it is true. Fighting my feelings only worsens things, so I’ve learned to allow myself to just be. Today was such a day. The morning was hectic, and with things about my sister just keep pushing me to the edge. I understand her reasons, but I also need to speak up about this stupidity.

The last week in general has been hectic. My classes suddenly started and we suddenly got an assignment. I had to book a ticket to come back. I had plans to meet someone which couldn’t happen. I lost some and I’m waiting to gain it back. I forgot to pack a few things and I’m also having some spiritual stuff going on. The last week was stressful, hectic and half unpleasant.

Right now, I’m tired. I want to eat and sleep, but I can’t do that. I have a few more things to do.

I did some magick today.

I offered Prince Orobas a cream bun.

I saw many white horses today.

I’m not sure if I’ve recovered from my divination burn out. Looking at my deck feels like I’m carrying bricks in my hands. I will cleanse my deck tomorrow.

So that I don’t sleepwalk through the rest of the day, I will take some time for myself and call my lover, and spend some time with him. He hasn’t visited in weeks and I miss him greatly.

That’s all for this entry everyone, I hope you have a good day.
:purple_heart:

7 Likes

21 July, 2022
19:47

Why then, are you my peace
When you are the intoxicating chaos of war

I do think things through. Most things.

My day started off :sparkles: horrible :sparkles:. It was sunny, it was hot, my feet (because I wore a slipper) legit felt like it was on fire because of the sunlight. My Lucifer ring fell off on the road and bent to an unwearable shape. I went to college, forgot my mask and had to walk a bit and buy one. A specific someone who owes me money hasn’t yet paid me back.

But, things calmed down. I got the approval to move ahead with my assignment, I found the book I was looking for, and hey I’m finally able to write my journal.

I had an extremely vivid, entertaining and weird dream last night. I woke up and didn’t know what to make of it. There were many people and many spirits I work with.

I met with Lucifer yesterday as he had visited me in my dreams, and I thought it’d be nice to touch bases with him again.

The photo looks so pink because of the mosquito net on the window.

While talking to Lucifer, I understood what my problem was. With me getting so very worked up about college to the point of falling physically sick to why my business is starting to feel heavy to me. It’s because of passion. I didn’t feel a lot of passion about it, therefore I was feeling what I felt.

I am not someone who can function on necessity or need for a long time, I will burn out. But if I’m passionate and pace myself well I can maintain my consistency. Since then, college has gotten better and I’m still working on my business.

It rained today (thank you King Bael :purple_heart:), I gave King Bael an offering and spent some time with him.

Anddd I guess that’s it. I can’t think of anything else. That’s all for this entry everyone, I hope you have a good day!
:purple_heart:

6 Likes

24th July, 2022
21:47

The chariot of flame approaches
The King most beautiful to see
The earth shall tremble at the strength
Of King Belial
Stalwart and Free.

Mostly wanted to share that hymn. It’s beautiful, the channel makes excellent stuff. I highly recommend checking it out.

Didn’t do much today.
Sometimes, I wish I would be stronger, but I know I’m getting there at my own pace. If there’s one thing that I’ve learnt with having Belial as my patron, it’s acceptance. Acceptance of things that are beyond my things. While I’m still working on the anxiety some of it brings me, I’m mostly at peace with it. As much as can be, of course.

I don’t have much to say. I’ve been getting chances to wield(?) my astral weapons which is teaching me what my limits are. I’m yet to find where it caps. If I don’t, it simply means it’s time for more lessons.

I am finding my love for divination again.

I enjoyed dinner today. it was tasty. That’s all I have for this entry everyone. I hope you have a good day.
:purple_heart:

9 Likes

1st August, 2022
20:44

Gate 2: Belial

“What would Azazel do?”

Long time no see everyone. College has been kicking my ass, I’ve also been busy with personal stresses back at home, my own spiritual journey and order business. But since I have some free time right now I wanted to update this journal.

On the new moon, I did my commitment ritual for Keeping Her Keys. For a year and a day, I shall learn from Hekate.

I am doing something each day. Sometimes an exercise, sometimes it’s a prayer like today. I still haven’t gotten into the flow of it yet, but the commitment ritual was extremely peaceful. While doing a prayer the next day, I realized I wasn’t really putting any intention into it. I just read it like a text and waited to feel something. Since then, I have started to focus on the words, their purpose, and have been trying to speak from my heart.

My work with Belial continues. It has been a rough couple of days. I am feeling stress like before, that stress desensitivity is gone. Apart from that, I have been feeling everything times ten. Anger, pain, regret, happiness, you name it. Everything is amplified.

Today is a Monday, I had a date yesterday. Although I have my eyes set on someone else, I thought it would be good for me to have some fun. First date of my life, I’m glad my guides and my friends encouraged me to go, I had a good time.

Today has been absolutely fucking tiring though. I came from college and chugged down some glucose water for energy, I was convinced I would’ve fallen asleep any moment. After letting it take affect I had lunch and slept for close to two hours.

I invoked King Paimon and Lord Belial on the weekend, today I made coffee for King Bael. Azazel is around. He had given me a task and I believe I’m making good progress on it.

I have assignments all week, so I’m low-key all over the place, I think. I’m not really aware of how I’m feeling half of the time, but that’s okay. It be like that sometimes.

I’ve also been having vivid dreams. I had a qliphothic dream a few nights ago. I was being attacked by a lady and I legit thought she’d rip my throat out and was terrified, so I called Belial and I woke up in cold sweat. My voice was hoarse in sleep and I um, scared my roommate as well.

Sorry, Ni.

I’m not feeling too good today, so I am resting. My lover’s around, I’ll be lighting some incense for him.

That’s all for this entry everyone. I can’t think of anything else to write as of now. I hope you all have a good day.
:purple_heart:

6 Likes

The notebook is a thin notebook which I covered in white paper, painted black and stuck a pic of Hekate I got printed. The art is by Asenath Mason.

Inside the notebook on the first page is written:

Hekate, Lampadios
Hekate, Enodia
Hekate, Kleidoukhos

The rest of the information, I will not share. For obvious reasons.

6 Likes

Breakdown, Breakdown :notes:

jo-jo-jojos

Good song.
I hope everyone is doing well, take care. There’s magic in the air.

Until next time :wave:
Love you all :purple_heart:

4 Likes

I love jjba👆

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same, rip kakyoin :pensive:

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Yes part 3 was Emotional rip abdul and iggy😥

1 Like