[Onion's journal]

[Onion]

26th April, 2022
20:06

Satariel, Day 4

Last night I dreamt of an intergalactic war. I was worried because my dogs wouldn’t be able to go out to pee or poo. It was a scary dream, at one point I called for Michael and got pulled out of the dream.

I was drained af and tired yesterday. I slept a good 12-14 hours. I took an hour long nap today too. I have a slight headache because of the heat, I had to go to college today. It was super fun.

I feel like I’m at a upper floor of a building with this qliphoth sphere. It’s a little weird. 8 spheres in, and 12 Tunnels of Set.

Cool. Very cool.

Azazel has been around it, and it seems like he has plans to stay.

I’ve been trying to take care of myself as much as possible. And I feel my inhibitions get released slowly.

That’s all for this entry. I hope everyone has a good day!

[dagar]

@Onion

My biggest worry, is that it would change me. Make me a bad person.

What is a bad person to you? I have struggled with a similar thing And something that has helped me tremendously is this. Anything that disgusts you or that you do not like is something that is clashing with who you truly are, if you do not want to become something it is very unlikely that you will become it unless there is a catastrophic event or extreme lack of a certain need that forces you to go against your beliefs and values. I Think the fact that you have that fear is one of the biggest predictors that it will not come true.

[Onion]

Okay that really put things into perspective
I think the “bad” person I have in mind is my sister. Doing actions without concern of consequences to others. Not sticking to my word if I promise something or take up a responsibility and not being able to complete it. Being in a victim mentality always.

Now that you ask that, I realise that my ideals are bordering hyper-independence as a trauma response. I want to do everything on my own.

[dagar]

@Onion

Now that you ask that, I realise that my ideals are bordering hyper-independence as a trauma response. I want to do everything on my own.

Im not a psychologist but i will say that everyone needs help and that’s why humanity is on top of the planet rn. Humans have never been and will most likely never be a solitary species. We evolved in large groups that pooled all of our strength together to survive against any onslaught or struggle, to try to do everything alone goes against that in my opinion. Long as you do everything you can I believe it’s perfectly reasonable and healthy to ask for help from those close to you.

[Onion]

Agreed. We are a social species.

[Onion]

April 27th, 2022
19:42

Satariel, Day 5

Today was a good day. With my time coming to a close in this sphere, the energies are much easier to deal with. Not as tiring or exhausting, much more tame. I had a test today, it went well.

Not much happened today. I reflected on me and my past (?) with my writing. I have changed quite a bit.

That’s all for this entry. I hope everyone has a good day!

[Onion]

3rd May, 2022
21:02

Ghagiel, Day 1

>Beelzebub: How long have you spent yourself for others? It’s time to come back

The first day was quite nice. I sadly forgot to recall last night’s dream so I don’t remember it.

I have started studying the Qaballah, to have and deepen my understanding in at least one subject.

My friends had a fight, so that was awkward.

I vamped a target today.

I would like to take this opportunity, to thank King Bael for the rain and the beautiful weather we’re having here.

I’m sorry I didn’t make you coffee today, King Bael. I promise to do it tomorrow.

That’s all for this entry folks, I hope you have a good day!

[Onion]

4th April, 2022
21:00

Ghagiel, Day 2

Thank you, King Paimon. For everything. My respect and love for you only grows with each passing day, and I’m eternally grateful for your guidance and help.

Consistency, I must maintain consistency. It’s one of my flaws, not being regular at things.

Today was a tad bit tiring. Every night before I’m falling asleep, I feel myself slamming back into my body before I fall asleep, only to be woken up by my alarm the next day.

The water in the hostel started coming out bad in the evening, I really hope it becomes clean by tomorrow morning, I have class tomorrow.

Today I watched House of Gucci, it was nice. I thought the story was quite tragic, honestly. But the movie has also tempted me for a Tarot De Marseilles deck, which was already there lol.

I made coffee for King Bael today. Things lined up really well. Yesterday I had set an alarm for 6:30pm so I don’t forget to make the coffee for him. Today morning I planned to make the coffee, and the afternoon as well but things caused their to be a delay. But, as I stirred the coffee in the evening just before placing it as an offering, the alarm rang. It was very cool.

I have heat rashes all over my neck, so I tended to that. It went down a bit, but I will continue till it heals, of course.

That’s all for this entry folks, I hope you have a good day ahead!

[Onion]

5th May, 2022

Ghagiel, Day 3

Last night I dreamed that I was getting readings from an astrologer. The astrologer brought someone with her, who is actually my friend. But the astrologer didn’t know we already knew each other. She told me to wait and went somewhere. The setting was oh my house, so I showed my friend the shelf where I hide and do my magick, including consecrated jewellery.

Then the dream changed to me holding a baby in my hand, I knew I was the mother because of the love and joy I felt. Then there was a man on a vehicle ahead, who was supposedly the father by the way he also looked at the child and me. He agreed to take the kid home because it loooked like it would rain soon, and also so that I could finish whatever I was doing.

Today I realised something. I keep finding myself in complicated situations. Both with my friends and family, and the same situation. One doesn’t like what the other is doing, but they don’t talk to each other. I’m smack in the middle. While I can maintain my relationships, it just gets very awkward at times.

I also had a little argument with my sister, because I was clearly telling her that I wasn’t comfortable doing something she wanted me to do and she started yelling at me saying that I wasn’t thinking about her.

She asked me if I was only thinking about myself.

I said yes. I was. Was it harsh? 100%
Do I give a shit? no. not at all.

I was honest and blunt(learning it from a friend), for my own good. If I wasn’t I’d have to weave lies again and then I would cry about it later. No, I am trying to not lie to protect myself by stroking someone else’s ego. I will take into consideration sensibility, but I will not take into consideration poor planning or, in harsher words, stupidity.

Done, absolutely done. Fuck everything

I could either let my anger consume me in a destructive way, or sit and think about why I’m angry and see if it is justified or if I’m acting purely because of bitter feelings.

I can’t change the past anymore, I know that.

Although I have forgiven my parents, I am not yet at a place where I can forgive my sister. Not when she still is so ignorant, it angers me 2 and makes me go 2 steps back when I take a step forward.

Anyways, it rained again today! ~

Spent some time with Prince Orobas today, I need to talk to Beelzebub soon.

That’s all for this entry everyone. Ah I think today’s entry was a little big. I hope you have a good day!

[dagar]

@Onion

Today I realised something. I keep finding myself in complicated situations. Both with my friends and family, and the same situation. One doesn’t like what the other is doing, but they don’t talk to each other. I’m smack in the middle. While I can maintain my relationships, it just gets very awkward at times.

Maybe the universe is trying to teach you something? Regarding your sister, honestly fuck her. It took mine like 3 years after getting KICKED OUT of the house to start to change. So she might not change for a long time and forgiveness is earned not required imo

[Onion]

Maybe, it’s probably teaching me to not have a Savior complex.

you know what it’s like with her, I’d only forgivr her for my own mental peacr

[Onion]

7th May, 2022
18:55

Ghagiel, Day 5

Yesterday was a heavy day, today also.

Last night, the one who attacked me, I have this to say:
I know you’re on the forum. I know who you are. I know what you did, why you did.
But I don’t get why you chose to attack instead of talk, we’ve never talked before. Why did you do it? I was never bad to you.

But I did go to your profile, and I could feel the parasites crawling all over you.

I do not need to retaliate, I’m afraid that you’re…gone too far. I will not help you, action has already been taken.

You thought you would weaken me, but here I am.

Anyways, I put some cool oil on my hair. I’m tired of the shit ton of potatoes we get here for food

That’s all for this entry folks, I hope you have a good day!

[Mei]

I don’t really know what happened in details with your sister/family, so I’ll just say my piece based on what I’ve read on your journal. I kinda was in the same situation with my aunt, where she would cause a lot of issues in the family, but because she was part of it no one wanted to tell her to “fuck off”, in a way, and they also didn’t realise a lot of things.
I was the only one to be honest about it, and I would literally say to her face “I don’t like you”, which caused me to have some issues with my mother and sister (because my aunt complained to them).

Fast forward now, everyone turned their back on my aunt, finally realising how toxic she was. So I would say, being honest is always the best way and even more, do not hide what you are feeling. It might cause some issues on the short term, but at least you won’t keep everything inside, and won’t feel terrible.

And for the savior complex part… Doesn’t have to be ? I mean, I don’t know you really so I might say something totally wrong here, but you can try helping, talking to them, and if they realise what they are doing or whatever is going on, well that’s great. But don’t stress yourself over it. Some people do not want to get helped.

Alright, sorry for writing a bit too much on your journal, wanted to write just a few sentences at start

[Onion]

I don’t mind, it always makes me happy reading replies and interacting with people.

I get what you’re saying about your aunt, everyone at home knows how my sis is. It’s her not seeing herself, that’s the problem.

And the savior complex Lucifer mentioned goes beyond my family, I have a tendency to try and help everyone a.k.a “save” them. And then I get tired and burnt out. I over-extend to the point I can become an enabler. I try to help others fix their problems, sometimes on my own when they’re not even asking for it. It’s not healthy lol, I’m working on it.

Again, I don’t mind long written posts here. I enjoy talking to people ^^

[Mei]

Alright !

I’ve wrote quite a bit about her on my journal a few days ago, but she is like that aswell. She doesn’t realise anything she is doing, and think the problem is coming from other people. She even dare to insinuate that we, her family, are toxic people. Now even her own daughter turned her back on her. So yeah, I understand fully the thing with your sister, and in a way those kind of people who don’t see what they do, well it’s pretty sad.

Yeah it’s really not healthy, but at least you know about it, that’s the first step. Second step is working to fix it, and you are doing it I’m going to repeat myself, but most people don’t want to get helped. They are confortable with who they are, and their situation, and if they were to “lose” this, it would be like losing a part of themself. Or the attention they get from other people by complaining.
You can try to make them aware of it, or at least tell them, but if they don’t realise it, or don’t want to, it’s whatever for them.

And yeah, I also like talking to people. I would talk for hours

[cygnus]

@Onion

Last night, the one who attacked me

Sorry to hear you were the victim of an attack. I agree with you. I wish more people would try talking things out more rather than going right to attacking those around them. Im glad you were able to pull through and come out stronger.

I really enjoy reading your posts I hope this kind of thing doesnt deter you from using this place.

[Onion]

@Mei

You can try to make them aware of it, or at least tell them, but if they don’t realise it, or don’t want to, it’s whatever for them.

Agreed.

Thank you!

@cygnus Thank you! and no I’m still gonna be here XD

[Onion]

Initiation into Thaumiel

The last sphere.
I will then do the tunnels,
then the ‘Caverns of Choronzon’ as VK calls them in his book. They are 6 additional tunnels(?) that open after the completion of the Tunnels of Set.

Super tiring day, very adventurous.

I hope everyone has a good day, I will probably write more tomorrow.

I was to invoke Belial, but I can hardly keep my eyes open.
If I’m woken up in the middle of the night, then I will do it.

Good night everyone, I hope you have a good day

edit: I believe Beelzebub sent a big bug my way to wake me up at 1am and chat, magickally it disappeared after I responded.
I’ve had qliphothic nightmares but what stuck to me is a bug

Please don’t send me a bug, just wake me up. if I fall asleep wake me up again, it’s a tried and tested Method by Azazel please don’t send bugs. I don’t like them

[Onion]

It happened, I was woken up twice at 3:10am. First by someone tickling my ear and then by a bottle falling
“Wake the fuck up”

Understood.

[Onion]

9th May, 2022
22:22

Thaumiel, Day 1

I dreamt I woke up to catch a train to come back to my hostel, I had breakfast, overslept and missed the train.

In the little knowledge of the qliphoth I have (that came from YouTube, specifically Rose Crowley, VK Jehannum, and C Kendall), Thaumiel, in my understanding, is a sphere of polarities.

“A lust for power. A strategic mistake”

As I slept last night I searched my heart. Looking through memories of past lives and analyzing my actions.

Did I choose magick because I wanted to learn, or because I wanted power?
Knowledge is power, did I want power because I wanted to help myself and others, or so that I could dominate and be selfish?

I don’t think I’m overtly dominating, I don’t think I am dominating. It is not my forte. But I get possessive of my creations. Be it art, or assignments or presentations.I like credit, and I don’t like sharing. Not ideal for team work, I know. It’s also why I don’t wish to work in a team like setting, I can work with people but I don’t want to. I don’t like being told what to do either.

Back to the point, I get possessive of my stuff, I don’t like when someone else gets the spotlight when I am in it. It is also a response from school (where if I did something, someone else did and they could show it off unlike me) and home (where my sister gets jealous of things I get so she always gets what I got also, including a birthday get # still salty about it).

Last night, I could look at the polarities in myself.
I do not wish to repeat the mistakes past life me did.

it rained today, there’s a cyclone nearby. The weather will be cool for some days.

I’m also a lot more emotional and sensitive these days.

That’s all for this entry, I hope everyone has a good day!