3rd November, 2021
Onion looks for her godself
I have not forgotten about this journal’s existence. I am however, forgetting to update it.
The situation at home is getting stressful each day. I’m emotionally detached, but I still do get affected by it. Simply because it feels liie history is repeating itself. Me, in school (now in college) studying and looking after myself, my sister, doing something she shouldn’t (this is not her being dictated to do something, we’re seeing her going in a direction that is not good but she doesn’t listen) and my parents spending their energy on her while I take the backseat. It’s a pattern I’m not liking seeing.
Back then I would think I’m not doing anything worth the attention or feel bad and get sandwhiched between my family just venting everything on me. It’s called “parentalizing” or something, and it sucks. It’s the same now but I have boundaries now, and I tell my sis to deal with her own shit instead of being a mediator for her. I lost a big part of me because of stress like this, not again.
I couldn’t collect enough points to buy a very pretty character in a game I play (it’s called Hidden City) so, F.
I’ve been spending the last few days trying to catch up to class with the reading material and also learning more about my god self.
I’ve been led to focus on a past life for now, to get some answers.
King Paimon is a lot more present these days.
I’ve also been having some vivid af dreams. I have made a sigil with an intention for dreamwork, which I am forgetting to finalize and keep under my pillow.
I talked with Azazel last night, and requested him to help me with something.
A few weeks ago, I was about to do a little something for someone, but Michael advised me not to. Looking back now, I’m glad I listened to him.
About my godself, she is…interesting to say the least. My mind is blown each time I learn something new because it ties to something I came across months ago.
5 days ago, Lord Belial had told me right before I went to sleep,“5 days”. Nothing more. He said “5 days” and left. The 5th night was yesterday, but I don’t know if I feel a difference per se. I’ll probably come to understand it later.
That’s all for this entry. I hope everyone has a great day ahead!
5th November, 2021
I had just opened the pdf of the book our teacher sent us, and I’m here. I looked at the page count-799, all of the books are around 700-800 pages, but now when I looked at it I didn’t feel like sorting through it from the beginning, all over again. But I’ll have to do it sometime so, we’ll see .
I took a nap yesterday, and meditated with Aeshma today.
I made a decoration for Santa Muerte yesterday. I feel oddly connected to death these days, and I’m wrapping my head around it.
There’s…not much else left to say here. I hope everyone has a good day!
How do you mean?
The concept of death. I feel connected to it. It’s hard to describe.
I feel you
6th November, 2021
“I’m waiting for the day you stop keeping expectations of love from people who keep hurting you. Move on from the past, you have grown and time is moving forward. If you don’t find the love within, I’m afraid you won’t find it outside of you either.”
That sums up the day. I’ll be invoking King Paimon tonight. I hope everyone has a good day!
Yay! thank you
Is it ok if I can pm you? Cause I much prefer to talk over there but I understand if you don’t want to. It’s just that I would like to get to know you that’s why.
Go ahead ^^
We have 2 day holidays rn. I have a lot of catching up to do. With my studies and specifically with Azazel too. I have not mentioned him much in the past entries, but he’s there. The project I’m doing with him is gonna move forward today.
I meditated while chanting his mantra the day before yesterday (Sunday) and yesterday (Monday) I invoked my higher self to do a little energy work. An aspect of her came which, I’m gonna be honest, intimidates me. Like, I know she is me but still
Home is good now. The cord clearings I did a few months back are still working, so I’m happy about that.
I think this is all for this entry I can’t recall anything else for now. Sooo, yep. I hope everyone has a good day!
Early morning chats with Lord Belial
10th November, 2021
“Ridding yourself of expectations is not completely possible. You will have expectations. But it’s necessary to not get attached to them. You look at someone, you’ve been talking or living with someone, you will have an idea of what the future will be like. How things will play out, what you will get, stuff like that. An idea, an expectation. Have it, keep it, but don’t get attached to it. Don’t get so invested that you strongly believe that that’s what will happen. You start believing in it, and when it doesn’t happen you get upset. Take it as it is, and not the future truth.”
“Stop having past expectations for the present or the future.”
14th November, 2021
I have not been doing much. I’ve been reading and meditating. I finished making runes for myself yesterday and I have started to learn Freyja’s Aett. Studies are continuing, of course. Although the course material looks very boring (no colors lol), I’m enjoying what I study.
I have joined an art center and am participating an essay writing competition.
You could say I had cocooned myself in a way. My energy had gone haywire. It felt like it got too strong at times because of my emotions, and my guides warned me to be careful. Do rest and get it back in my control, so that it may not harm others. And that’s what I did.
Sooo yep. I hope everyone has a good day!
15th November, 2021
It’s been a long day for me, and…an uneventful day for my sister. I don’t really bother that much. I’ve long let go of that. But I don’t wanna be caught in the crossfire anymore. I want my time back. I think I had a pretty decent childhood, but I want my teen years back. I want to relive all those years since the day I turned 13, and now that I turn 20 next month, I would’ve liked a few things to be different.
I mentioned it to Azazel yesterday, me wanting all that time back. He said that I can’t. At least not in the way I had in mind.
I’m stuck getting pulled and being made mediator even after I say no. I don’t like it.
Michael’s name is everywhere today, so I’ll be meditating with him tonight.
Wanted to do a reading for myself but, eh.
This is all for today’s entry. I hope everyone has a good day.
He’s right. My add to can’t in the way you think is I’ll give you a way it would have might have to go bad in order for you to get back to that time/get time back.
You could get attacked get conked on the head in order to bring you back to the mindset of a child permanently brain damaged but back in your mind to the time when you were younger. I saw a true crime (homicide deceive Joe Kenda I think the show was called) about how that had happened to someone some trauma (only psych not physical in the victims case) and the person who had the mind of a 6 year old.
She was being cared for by family but her mom? sister? had to go to work and they left her alone and when her fam got home she was missing. She was later found dead & the cops figured it out that someone she sorta knew had offered her alcohol and lured her out being friendly with her then that person (and another?) raped and killed her and threw her body off a small cliff and left her there as if she was trash.
Minus the homicide part something like that might have to be done to/for you for your wish you expressed to Azazel to happen and it’s not what you want but is what would have to be done maybe because of how you worded or expressed it.
So I think you better accept what he said in this case and thank your lucky stars he didn’t want to do it because that’s only 1 example of how wanting to go back to how childhood was might need to go bad for it to be granted. Because while you can’t physically go back you could go back mentally and in a bad way.
Add: I watch a LOT of true crime stuff (mainly with mom). So… sorry for the blunt what might be required to happen depending on how you expressed the wish. That particular crime popped into my head reading you tell about that (having Azazel say not in the way you had in mind).
Add 2; Remember that old chestnut/caveat “be careful what you wish for you might just get it”.
Well… Just be careful eh cuz ya never know there could be things that have to happen to give you what you want that you might not like. That said it’s ok to keep thinking and wishing just be careful with expressing it to beings capable of making it happen if you haven’t considered all possible ramifications and outcomes.
Add 3: Kenda caught the bad guy I forget what he got for the crime but I think it was life without parole.
Add 4: not meant to take up your personal space I just thought it was a reply that had to be public so others reading with similar or different wishes might be reminded to be careful to think through their wishes before expressing them to a being who might give it to them but in a way they didn’t expect and don’t like.
I understand and appreciate your concern, but I didn’t mean to actually physically go back It was more like wanting to relive a few moments in a different way rm(say going out with friends, I never got to do that, so I would like to “relive” in a sense where I would like to go out with friends), without getting bonked on the head. Or get some “compensation” for it. Just some wishful thinking. I did get a feel that I might be able to experience what I wished for in the future at college, I just need to be courageous and push myself out of my shell.
21st November, 2021
Hello everyone, long time no see, again. I have been busy these days, but I have meditated almost daily. I fell sick 2 days ago so those 2 days (yesterday and the day before) I didn’t do anything. But I did invoke King Paimon last night.
I take naps in the afternoon, and I wanted to get rid of that habit because it makes me wake up beyond my usual time in the morning. It makes me very foggy too. So I talked to friends, listened to music, made a pick a card, did a guided meditation and…fell asleep. BUT it was only 15 minutes. Enough to get the grogginess out lol.
Lucifer was here today, we talked for sometime then he left.
I’m looking into mediumship cause I’ve had synchronicities with it, and also because I feel drawn to it.
I also watched a drawing video today.
There’s a rune divining method I’m experimenting with, and once I feel I’m ready to post it I will do so. It’s something Odin told me to try out ^^
That’s all for this entry. I hope everyone has a good day!
Hope you feel better now! Have a fabulous day too
I do, I hope you have an awesome day ahead!
28th November, 2021
One week since my last post now. I will not guarantee if I’m following a schedule for this like I used to. Anyways, I have started meditating at night, before going to sleep. With my classes in the afternoon, I’ve found that night time is the most suitable, especially because it’s quiet af too.
I alternate between Azazel and Aeshma. I had received a big enough sign from Asmoday, hard to ignore. I alternate between them, while keeping my days fixed with King Paimon.
Studies have been going well, and surprisingly some things have played to my favor. Like assignments getting delayed when I wasn’t prepared, the other students being more active on days I’m down (usually I answer the teacher, because the others are silent. it’s a very awkward situation and it’s not…comfortable), etc.
Currently I’m looking into different means of divinaton. I will not be taking my tarot deck with me for the first time. “Deck” is at a point of becoming a trigger word for me imo. Because my mum is SO against spirituality and the like, she has even mentioned that if she sees me get too involved she will “take away” the deck I have right now.
I mean, take away what you want, you can’t tell me stop doing something because you’re projection on me. You can’t take away my intuition from me either.
So I’ll be taking my trump cards and my runes with me. They’re much smaller. When I see I can trust my roommates to not fool around at the hostel then I will take my cards with me. So I’ve been learning cartomancy, and also started studying about astrology.
Ah, I thought I would watch House of Gucci but they haven’t released in the theatres here. Welp.
I hope all of you are doing good, and I hope you have a great day ahead. This is all for today’s entry. Till next time everyone