Notes and recipes

Dream 4/17
This magical looking woman in a sparkling gown and robe spoke in this silky echoey voice “Would you rather know more about your childhood in general or being a newborn within a few days of being born?”
In this dream I don’t look like me, but was disguised as someone’s mom, someone I knew.
I don’t know why.
I thought- let’s go with the newborn memory.
She said “Think about yourself as a baby and do you see anything?”
A bunch of lights and colors, then a blurry image came into focus in my mind.
It was a mobile hanging overhead as I was lying in a crib
The magical lady did something and I felt myself change and into the perspective of my newborn self- I babbled and giggled like a baby, felt so genuinely happy
The mobile was wooden, light colored wood or painted white, with pastel-colored stuffed animals hanging from it- an elephant, a horse, a bird, lion…

“Ah yes. The mobile you loved so much. You were a very happy baby.”

I woke up soon after.

It was like I’d forgotten how things were really good in my early childhood, because later, starting with puberty living abroad, it became the opposite. I thought, maybe this was the type of bliss I chased through years of heroin addiction, but that was a different artificial, numbing kind of fake bliss. The kind as a baby is just so pure, authentic, and nothing can replace it.

I later asked my mom about the mobile and crib set up and she confirmed what I saw in my dream, every detail. If I can get a picture I’ll upload it.
I think it’s a sign to do some inner child work or just a reminder to be grateful for having had a loving home and happy childhood.
Finals start in a week, then it’s a month of end to end exams and papers, but after that I get a 1.5 month break before summer calculus starts.

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Orgone cone came out ok. I was testing the new molds out so I used this packet of assorted stones that was gifted with a recent purchase

My biggest orgone pyramid yet is stuck :frowning: . It’s so heavy and a little epoxy might have gotten between the silicone and the plastic support thing. I made it to help me stay focused, enhance mental faculties and lower stress during finals month.
Here’s the base of it- herbs are study mix 3 and 4 with violet and extra butterfly pea flowers. The crystals used= quartz, blue kyanite, blue dumortierite, a small chunk of labradorite in the center of the pyramid, green/purple fluorite, and carnelian.

I took some pictures of the other 2 big ones glowing in the dark

Dream 4/19
I had another one of those vivid dreams where I can’t tell if I’m awake or not, but there were some spirits I dunno what but at first, the vibe was kinda like the shadow people- like when I get sleep paralysis, but they may have just been some parasites / tricksters.
The dream took place the exact spot I was sleeping in and in the dream I was nodding off, so I thought I was awake until I finally woke up 2 hours later.
Every time I “woke up” I didn’t really I just kept dreaming and i was still in the dream that was in the same room I was sleeping in, and I couldn’t move because that’s just what happens sometimes. I’ve had sleep paralysis since early childhood, age 4 or 5, and thought here we go again. In my late teens, some of the times it happened became sexual. Mostly I’d just lay there and let them do their thing while laying silently and frozen (sometimes, if I tried to scream I’d end up just putting a lot of effort into a weird quiet groan)
In this most recent dream, it was a sexual thing, but it was a bunch of them, not like usually when it’s just one. They seemed excited that I couldn’t move.
They kept coming in and out through some portal from somewhere they called a home/ home base/space where they congregate, like a rec room or a meeting area, but it was clear from all the chatter that they were together in a kind of family or a close-knit group. Their “home base” was where they spent most of their time as a group.
They weren’t human, and I could feel them all over me. They were also finding ways to torture me and I could feel like slashes on my ankles? The more I struggled and panicked, the more excited they became. I was mostly unable to move and I just attributed that to just normal old sleep paralysis.
One of them pretended to be my partner, but the hair and jawline were all wrong, looked like a really weird deformed version of my partner, and I could tell immediately it wasn’t actually him. He was on top of me and I couldn’t move again and it was weird because he was trying to emulate how my partner initiates sex but in a clumsy and not-quite-right way. He said something about the tattoo I got a little less than a week ago, so in my mind I chanted one of Arachne’s enns (?) from VK Jehannum’s website “Amplaudate Arachne Sepheranz Gloria” over and over until I felt like a shift and the creepy spirits were no longer completely focused on me.
They started clamoring around, chattering amongst each other, disappearing and reappearing, felt like a panicky energy, like they were suddenly distracted by something. I tried to eavesdrop and it sounded like something suddenly showed up and was destroying their home base/meeting area that they were coming in/out from.
I felt relieved, like it was almost over. They were angry though. A few returned to stay with me to try to continue what they were doing. I chanted some more until it stopped and I woke up for real

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Can’t find my UV flashlight. Used this indoor herb garden thing I bought for my mom that she used a couple times, but not anymore.
This orgone pyramid is for helping me with school and finals month i.e. improve focus/attention span, stamina, memory, mental faculties…and stress reduction.

It just smells like resin. The flowers are kinda pretty though. I used study mix 3 and study mix 4 (both tested on a few pre-med/post-baccalaureate classmates and verified efficacy) added some butterfly pea flowers, violets, and lavender for mental health / stress. Stones used include quartz, copper shavings, blue kyanite, labradorite, a few pieces of dumortierite, green/purple fluorite, and carnelian. Hoping it works

I made another pyramid to enhance psychic ability, for spiritual communication/connection, clairs etc…
It has the old divination herb mix I used in multiple resin things now.
Crystals include: Lemurian quartz point, shungite, phantom quartz, blue kyanite, amethyst, and a little bit of selenite.
Other ingredients: copper shavings, wire, and glow in the dark pigment (I am a little obsessed with making everything glow in the dark😬)

It’s also coming up on the one year anniversary of my cat Baby’s death. I have had this on the fireplace mantle since then. The pyramid is new, the first I made actually with rose quartz and quartz. I also keep her ashes in the rosewood urn, next to the Bastet statue, some catnip, her old gris gris bag, her pawprints, treats, and some flowers from the tree she used to climb for fun. These flowers bloom every year around this time and I also remember someone told me that if I see these pink flowers, it could be a sign from Baby.

My new cat Stella is a lot like Baby but more energetic. This is her with her favorite toy/best friend, the fish, which she takes everywhere with her.

The Arachne tattoo I am sure will be bringing all kinds of craziness, but I guess that’s also how I learn best i.e. through adversity. Time to buckle up and listen. She’s a powerful teacher and her trials are no joke.
Ever since starting to work with her, though, I don’t feel as bothered by old trauma as I used to be. I am diagnosed with PTSD, but it doesn’t feel like I really have it anymore, or at least not as symptomatic now e.g. I rarely get panic attacks now. I wonder what’s next

This is the fetish I made for her a while ago on a new moon, with human ribs and a preserved tarantula. I charged it with some incense and my blood at a nearby cemetery.
This is a snapshot of the rite that inspired it (a fetish I made for Beelzebuth)


Obsidian, phantom quartz, clear quartz, angel aura quartz, copper
I also made some earrings

I was laying in bed trying to sleep but I saw something like a pinprick of color and it was radiating this glow, so I tried to look closer. My eyes were closed, but I felt my eyes roll back further, (like when you try to show only the whites of your eyes) and got stuck. I couldn’t roll my eyes back forward and open them it was like something wanted me to look. I was very much awake though.
I panicked at first for a moment, confused why I couldn’t open my eyes when I was wide awake and other parts of me could move. The tiny dot expanded to show this very still scene. Nothing moved the whole time I stared into it.
There was this large muscular man with flowing grey/silver hair and tan skin, wearing some khaki colored garments. He and his surroundings were bathed in sunlight. The surroundings looked like a courtyard or a temple but it was outdoors, a square with pillars surrounding it. He had a regal but calm presence and he just stood there, didn’t say anything.
My vision became flooded with this glowing aqua blue color. It felt like it was coming from somewhere far away and was shining in the direction of my eyelids. Eventually, I was able to open my eyes, but when I blinked I could still see the bright aqua glow. It was just barely visible with my eyes open, but very vibrant whenever they closed, or when I’d blink.
It’s also psychosis season for me so I am questioning everything I see/hear/etc… what if everything’s just in my head/delusion?

The way the tan guy with the silver mane glowed with that intense blue/aqua light- I would draw him, but the power’s out at the moment. We’re at our new apartment and don’t have anything here, just a couple of candles but it’s still too dark to see.
These pictures are just very rough reference images that together give an idea of how I saw him. I’m also pretty out of touch with pop culture so bear with me here…
Clothing, skin tone, and build was kinda like

The Rock as Hercules…
His head and his composure reminded me of Ariel (the little mermaid)'s father lol.

On another note…

I finished one of my 4 classes today. Had our final exam and I didn’t study most of what was on the exam. I basically guessed a bunch of answers. Some I had no idea so I tried to make something up that sounded acceptable to me. Somehow, I only made 1 mistake on this test in which over half of my answers were “wild guesses” / “making stuff up” but I feel like it’s probably the spirits I called on for final exams helping me out. It’s happened before when I studied for an exam hard for a while but on the exam, there’s something I didn’t know or revise but still end up getting right because I’d “randomly” think of the answer. It was like a little whisper in the back of my head giving me clues or nudging me along with subtle hints. However a couple times, it was more blatant, like it straight up said what the answer was for a question I kept going back and forth to, and ended up getting it right, so I guess I wasn’t technically cheating🤷🏻‍♀️
I’ll find out soon if I’m actually losing my mind…if any of it’s real, or just a part of my broken mind.

From left to right: obsidian with tiger eye and copper; aventurine with money/prosperity/luck herbs and copper; red jasper with amethyst and copper

Lemurian quartz point, selenite, blue kyanite, black shungite, moonstone, copper, full moon herb mix, a few pieces of angel aura quartz, and a sprinkle of elderflowers and lavender on the bottom

More earrings have crushed flowers (rose, elderflowers, lavender)

Deer in the backyard

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The big pyramid from previous post glowing in the dark

Orgone skull made with fluorite, copper, herbs from full moon mix and divination/psychic mix, shungite, moonstone and quartz


Astral projection 4/30
It’s the first eclipse of the year on a new moon so maybe that’s why I was able to project. I need to go back I just got up to record the song I heard before I forgot. It was black everywhere with some blue lights here and there.
image like this but a deeper color blue

Very comfortable and relaxing and I just noticed the thing in my face that I thought was a curtain was actually some kind of creature like a bat except the wings are like curtains and flow grandiosely. I could feel the tiny claws gently holding onto my face as I drifted
Ok time to go back if I can…
Got up to get a few things- Arachne fetish, Beelzebub fetish, candles (contained in fireproof bowl), divination oils and my Irvine crystal skull
Will write out the music I heard in sheet music later hope I can hear more

*Orgone not Irvine. Dunno what happened there
I woke myself up so listening to some binaural stuff to open third eye and hopefully relax. I haven’t given myself a break yet since my first final exam on Tuesday. I did really well, so well that I may not have to do the research paper. My current class grade is very close to 100%, and with the paper even if I get a 50% on it I will still finish with an A for the class. I already handed in a draft that is probably better than 50%. I hope I don’t miscalculate but an A- is good too.
So I give myself permission to not look at school stuff for the next 12 hours.

I made this resin coffin for a coffin curse. I’m probably have to wait until exams are done to do it

I also made a smaller (still huge) pyramid with bloodstone, phantom quartz, herbs for spiritual growth and protection and a lemurian quartz point, copper and iron.

Other stuff made recently. I’m usually listening to some YouTube videos to study while I’m making these or more binaural shit

I’ve also been testing the study herb mixes in candle form on my classmates, fellow future-doctor-hopefuls and apparently it works really well. I’m sending around their 4th round of candles now for finals

This is the melody of the song that was sung to me in the black/blue place where I drifted around with a pair of tiny claws grasping at my face. I couldn’t go back but had a lot of energy afterwards. I wonder if it’s because I’m sleeping surrounded by my pyramids I dunno.
The voice of whoever was humming it sounded a lot like the way I’ve heard Arachne’s voice in the past. It was just a very brief experience and I dunno what the song is or what it could mean

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Ahhh this week is absolute shit. My biggest exam is tomorrow, then my next biggest exam is Thursday, but I have to take 2 more online tests for that class before the final. I am overwhelmed, but I’m also confident I will do alright.
Also, today I learned that fruit flies eat pussy

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Long post… I’m almost done with exams. I have 4.0s/As in 3 of my classes and hopefully my 4th will be as well. I was never good with school before so it’s nice. I will celebrate after the final one is done.
Some orgone things I made recently:
Skull: moonstone, blue Kyanite, amethyst, phantom quartz, shavings of copper, iron, aluminum. Astral projection herb mix

Pyramid: Lemurian quartz point, selenite, moonstone, blue kyanite, shavings of copper, iron, brass, aluminum, astral projection herb mix

Little one has aventurine, copper, luck herb mix, and a mojo wish bean.

The skull in the dark

Astral projection herb mix:
Acacia, Bay, Bergamot, Clary sage, Dittany of Crete, mullein, Mugwort, nutmeg, Rowan berries, wormwood

Luck herb mix: alfalfa, calendula, cinquefoil/five finger grass, clove, osmanthus, basil, vetivert, yellowdock

From my personal journal:
I had a visitor recently.
Normally, I don’t have these clear physical interactions with entities, but during warmer seasons like spring/summer, it’s like everything gets enhanced x10 and I’m able to feel, see and hear, and remember these interactions the same way I remember talking to someone in person. I’m also wary that it’s psychosis season for me and I dunno if my mind is just making up stuff or if it’s all real, probably a mix of both, but I have no idea to what extent. I suspect this one was real because a lot of what my visitor said wasn’t anything I’d known of before, and/or didn’t resemble anything I would say myself.

I didn’t fall asleep, but I also didn’t wake up. It was like everything in the room got very dense and later when he left, it distilled back down to its normal state. To make sure I wasn’t dreaming, I also made sure to stare at a specific object on the desk and/or speak continuously during the transition in the beginning when he arrived and when he left

Anyways about my shadowy visitor…

I suspect he was similar to the one I drew a picture of previously standing next to my boyfriend, but we had a conversation this time, most of which I think should be private between us. There were moments of intimacy and sexual interaction… I’ve never done anything like that with a spirit before. I’m just weird about sex in general and go through long bouts of asexuality that last up to a year at a time. I always tell my partner it’s ok with me if he wants to do an open relationship type thing when it happens- I honestly wouldn’t mind if he pursued a “side piece” or purely sexual relationship with someone else. I’m currently in one of those sex droughts. Maybe that’s why it happened?

How he looked: All shadows with a clear head shape that was made of what looked to me like a tangle of sinewy shadows, and I could barely see his eyes- they were red and glowed occasionally when I could see, but were mostly just dark.

I asked who he was and he didn’t say his name but he did say in his low gravel-y voice, which didn’t have any accent:

“We are the Lurers”, which he described / I understood as a kind of vampiric entity. Something about him felt familiar and ancient. I asked for his name and if he had a sigil but he didn’t respond to either.

I felt warm viscous droplets on my hand/arm, then reached out and felt his hand, and held it. His skin felt smooth with a texture like a blend of a soft black leather or polyurethane. His nails were jagged and sharp. He said “Well, you certainly are not helpless”.

He dribbled some thick liquid into every orifice on my head. I felt some pressure in my vagina too but he was sitting across from me. My eyes stung a little bit and it felt and looked like when you open your eyes underwater without wearing goggles for a moment.

As my vision cleared, I felt like something had changed in me, my perception changed in a way that felt like being really drunk while sleep deprived (I don’t drink anymore at all) and razor sharp nails replaced my own (I’d cut my nails short recently so the difference was clear). He may have transferred something into me and I felt myself buzz, like a vibrational shift, in a way I can’t really explain when it wasn’t blurry anymore. I asked him what happened, like what changed in me. As I asked him one last question, I felt the room change again and he was on his way out. He didn’t answer my question, but the room cleared out. I think it’s up to me to find out what changed. I also feel like it’s just the first of more interactions and I’m curious to learn more about him.

My eyes were open as I watched him fade and leave. Then I checked my phone and saw that an hour had passed. It didnt seem so much like a “bye” as much as an “until next time”.

My cat then came running in through the door when he left like immediately. She must’ve been waiting outside for him to leave


In 11 hours, I will be done with exams and this semester.
For the super flower blood moon (I don’t know if I wrote that in the right order??), I made some candles. I was experimenting with some new candle dye chips and thought I was mixing a very original shade of purple and it looks just like the other purple candles I have already made (nothing new or original) so I put glitter on them to tell them apart (also why there’s varying shades of purple). I kinda like the sparkles though.
Herbs: cedar, chamomile, clary sage, dandelion, dragon’s blood resin, lavender, lemon powder, lily, lovage, mugwort, poppy, rose, vervain, willow, wormwood and some Himalayan pink salt, a little powdered selenite. (went all out… but this mix will last a while because I made a huge jarful of it)

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Taking it easy for a few days because I was exhausted from exams. My grades also came out today- my average is still a 4.0 :partying_face: so I made it through my first year of the program
I’m trying out this astral projection tea: bilberry, elderflower, hops, juniper berries, lobelia, Mugwort, mullein, raspberry leaf, scullcap, vervain, yarrow, and a packet of Sleepytime extra (valerian, chamomile, tilia, lemongrass, hawthorn) which usually gets me a little sleepy but not too sleepy that I pass out

Tastes worse than it looks

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My friend did this one for me-

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I didn’t realize how burned out I was from school and basically slept for a week. In the fall semester, when I take physics and chemistry 2, I need to find a healthier balance where I can still get the grades I want and not burn out so hard. I’m going to pick up with daily magical practice tonight as I won’t likely have this kind of break again for a while.
I realize that ever since my whole episode last year, I have been playing everything “safe” and stagnating as a result, all out of fear for the same thing repeating. I’ve never had psychosis like that where I blacked out for days and can’t remember or explain what happened for a whole week, other than a general knowing that I was a pain in the ass and likely exhausted a few people who tried to help. I have had psychosis before, but this didn’t feel the same. Even during psychosis, I can still feel that I have a body- my body- from which I navigate my environment. I could still feel the ground beneath my feet and hallucinations would be in addition to all that. However, last year, I thought I was in a whole other place- the hallucinations replaced my surroundings, instead of just adding to it. I wonder if any of it was real, and that’s where I get stuck sometimes because it all felt so real.
This year I tried to get ahead of it by becoming semi-nocturnal so I sleep during the day more and more active at night. Psychotic symptoms, for me, tend to manifest in the spring and summer, which I thought was because of sunlight. So far, it’s working, but as it gets hotter and moving into summer, my moods have been getting shakier.
A couple nights ago, I took a late night/early morning walk and the moon was this perfect semicircle and had a reddish glow, but in pictures it looks fuller and not like a perfect semicircle
I also made this orgone skull thing which has amethyst, quartz, labradorite, iolite, copper, iron, brass, and herbs for astral projection (Acacia, Bay, Bergamot, Clary sage, Dittany of Crete, mullein, Mugwort, nutmeg, Rowan berries, wormwood)

And an orgone pyramid with Angel aura quartz point, selenite, blue kyanite, labradorite, iolite, copper, brass, and herbs for astral projection (same as in the skull)