So every so often, I go to a gothic night club called QXT. Its a great place. No one gets into fights. No one gets totally drunk. People are generally friendly. However, I feel like I have a hard time fitting in.
The club is host to the punk crowd, bdsm crowd, metal crowd, rave crowd, and occultist crowd. As opposed to punk or rave, I’m within the other parameters. Still, I feel like I’m always on the outside looking in. I’ve managed to form some rapport with several individuals, but no groups.
Then there’s the basic topic of dancing. I loved to dance for about four years, from 7th to 11th grade. Mostly, I enjoyed having my friends watch and cheer me on. I had the same troubles then too; I was friends with them, but never truly apart of the group. So dancing was an outlet to get their attention. Today, I’m pretty much scared of dancing, or at least dancing alone. I go during 80s night cause that’s when they play music easier for me to dance to (I’d rather have 2000s hiphop), but its like I can’t feel the rhythm. I feel physically incapable of letting go. I can try and “fake dance” (moving in a dancing motion but with no passion to it), but I feel like I’m “Lying.” And I don’t like to lie about how I feel.
I usually go around trying to meet and get to know people. My success is fluid and depends on the night. I’m generally accepted, but what I really want is a night of passion, romance, and pageantry.
My usual go to night is “Iron Garden”. Iron Garden is last Friday of the month and is a pagan gathering. The people in charge call it a “Sanctuary”, but its more of a meet up with lectures and venders. It lasts for 2 hours in the lower dance floors. Then at 11, you go up and party to 80s pop. Idk why, but this is usually the night with the best turn up.
I went during the previous Friday, and it was just dismal. The turn out, by my standards, was poor, and people were kind of paired up. I saw a birthday party for this guy I knew and felt so bad I wasn’t invited. I suppose it makes sense considering how little I get to go. I’m not there enough to form the relationships I want, and it sucks.