So, as I have said, my family and I are moving. The trip down is 9 hours. However, two months from then, my brother is getting married. He currently lives in NJ with his girl friend. So from where we’ll live after we move, that will be nine hours of a trip to and from.
Also, I should point something out. I’m gonna get shit for this, but I’m not a fan of the tradition of marriage. I’m sorry, I just think many of this world’s traditions, beliefs, and values make no sense. However, my brother is all for traditional values. So, I let him live his life so I can live mine.
In addition to that, I’d like to also state that I am high functioning autistic and deal with social anxiety. Through out my life, social situations have made me feel miserable. I usually don’t know how to talk to large groups, or contribute to the conversation. Especially if I have nothing in common with anyone, or if I don’t know them at all. As an adult, there are some I’d brave my anxiety for, but not a wedding.
I’d also like to point out that I can drive and have made many personal trips. However, I can travel an hour or two on my own. This is a 9 hour trip, and my family would rather take a single car. This is difficult for me because, if I would like to leave, I need everyone else I came with to leave with me. And they may not want to.
So essentially, I’ll be attending a ceremony I don’t believe in, having to talk to people I don’t know, dealing with the anxiety, and above all will not be able to leave without having someone else accommodate me. And I don’t plan on asking “Can we go now?” like a 10 year old kid.
You may be asking. Am I close to my brother? No. He and I have been treading different paths since I believe high school. He’s very mathematical and scientific. I’m very creative and philosophical. He’s all about tradition and I’m unorthodox. He’s religious while I’m anti-religious. I’d say that the reasons he and I are so different is because of my autism. His social successes have allowed him to travel a more traditional path. My condition has alienated me, so I gravitated to anything that’s helped me cope. Not to mention, he was very un-supportive of me in the past. Today, he’s trying but he still comes off as critical. We are like night and day; dark and light. Currently we’re friendly, but bonding is just so pain.
In all truth, I’m left with two difficult decisions. I can go, be anxious, and require special accommodations that would impact the experience of others. Or I can just not attend, feel fine, but also be the selfish jerk who didn’t attend his brother’s wedding. While he and I aren’t close, and Mairrage isn’t something I believe in, I do recognize this as something special for him; that he’d want me there for. However, I wish I conditions were different. I’d like to attend the ceremony, stay for dinner, then leave when I feel like, letting everyone else enjoy themselves. However, without a car of my own, I’d have to rely on an uber and my family isn’t a fan of that idea. I’d rather not have to rely on parents for this. But, unless I drive a car up there, 9 hour drive, I might have to. And I’d rather let everyone else have a good time. I’m not sure what I should do.