I’ve been lurking here quite a while, reading as much as I can and hopefully learning many new things. I’ll try to keep it brief but feel like I have an entire story to tell!
I grew up in a Christian family though we rarely attended church, my grandmother was the type to tell me I was going to hell for wearing pants.
One of the things that prompted me to finally post was all the recent topics about azazel and andras. When I was a teenager (13/15 idr) I drew a lot. One of the things I drew was an angel with a falcon like head I named azazel- I told everyone that it meant half demon half angel. I have no idea where I came up with this because until a few months ago I’d never heard of azazel. I’ve been meditating and trying to evoke and had a mental list of demons that might suit my needs and while I was in the shower a few days ago my mind kept coming back to the name andras, but I kept saying to myself no I drew azazel whithout knowing what it was it must be him. So I searched and googled and about fell over when I found descriptions of andras. It seemed my choice was made. I printed his sigil meditated, and after I felt that I was somewhat trance like I made my request And offering. I felt pressure in my throat, though it was not painful it was strange. I offered thanks and closed out my ritual.
I feel like I’m more than a little magically challenged despite my best efforts. I’ve always had vivid and lucid dreams and I have dreamed a thousand times about having powers that I didn’t know how to use. A few weeks ago shortly before personally renouncing my Christian upbringing I dreamed I was about to face a demon that was tearing down a building with huge columns and multiple levels. I was doing my best to repair it as I made my way to the demon. I wasn’t scared and even though logic said I would never defeat it I felt certain I would. I can’t count the number of de ja vu feelings I’ve had in my life, then later remembered I dreamed about an event in specific detail.
My trouble is my minds eye. I feel like it’s broken. I close my eyes and all I see is dark. I’ve been working with after images, and my imagination isn’t broken, I just imagine with words but I struggle picturing things for magic. Then of course there is the third eye which I’m meditating and such for also.
Then there’s the real life challenges and reasons I’m doing this.
I’m stuck. My husband has me trapped beyond belief. I’ve been with him for twelve years and I’ve tried to leave several times. He’s made it impossible to do, constantly telling his family that I’m lazy and do nothing but sleep all day, even when I was working sixth hour weeks. He would tell me I was fat when I weighted 130 pounds or my breast were to small. He would refuse to kiss me or touch me or to have sex with me unless he wanted it. I wasn’t allowed to have a choice of what is in tv, and if I was doing anything he would find a way to interrupt it. Two years ago I had a severe allergic reaction to hemosotr dust st my job. I have asthma and I was a smoker. No one thought I would make it. Since I’ve recovered a lot but I still have frequent asthma attack’s and it’s triggered easily by the things like household cleaners and perfumes. Because of this I’m at home all the time. I tried praying and believing my husband into treating me better just to find out he’s cheated on me multiple times. He goes weeks without speaking to me (I like this now) and has never once been talking to me on my birthday or mother’s day. He has the children (10 and 12 ) report on everything I do every night while he is working. I stopped taking to anyone outside of a game I play when I’m not cooking or cleaning or trying to learn more about magic. The isolation keeps him from accusing me of cheating him and honestly o was always more of a loner anyways. His recent thing is I’m not allowed to leave the coffee pot on to keep my coffee warm. It waste electricity. I tried arguing he has the fan and tv on all night to no avail. I stopped sleeping in the same room and have made the downstairs living and dining room my only haven. I tried recording when he acted this way to save as proof and he found out. I’ve removed key loggers from my computer multiple times. During the day when he’s home I started sleeping late and it taking a nap to avoid him. Then I would wake up coughing and hacking because he was using chemicals like bleach to mop the floor. My lung doctor tried to get me a social worker to no avail, my phone and text are monitored. My dad died when I was 19 and my mom six years ago (she was schizophrenic anyways.) I cannot take money out of the bank without him finding out and anytime I have any like at tax return time he spends it. Even my truck is in his name which st the time a few years ago meant my payment was less. My credit is wrecked because I wasn’t allowed to make payments in my medical bills. I get all of an hour between the time he leaves each day and the kids get home to go the grocery store or practice magic or do anything like that. We live in a town with a population of less than 5000 and are within a mile of his family so they often drive by to check and see if I’m home because he has them convinced I’m cheating on him. I’ve done a freezer spell to keep him from touching me which seems to be working, I’ve also tried to freeze his lies but that’s harder to determine if it is working. I’ve done several dune spells and paid for black which coven to do a run of 3. I tried invoking abandon originally when I started the first duke spell in November. I was scared though. I’m no longer scared and have tried evoking instead multiple times. I’m st a loss for what more to do and yes I understand worry over it doesn’t help and hinders. It it’s really hard to forget when I feel like I’m living with a psychopath and need to get out at all costs.