Hi to the community. English is not my native language so forgive any grammar mistakes.
My name is Claudia, I’m a transgender women, 30 yo.
I was born from a catholic nun who renounced her votes after 15 years and a men who was virgin when he created me.
Being disphoric about my gender since I was 3, changed sex at 18 and lived as a stealth women since. My biological male name was bible related.
Started practicing black magic at 15, desperately trying to make my body “real”, trying to make pacts here and there to have the body of a women.
As u can imagine I grew up in a very strict catholic family, so I tried my best to hide all of this.
So, my experience…I was pretty good w black magic, divination and clairvoyant. At 16 I was able to hurt anyone I wanted, made a few broke legs or arms, balding a girl who harassed me in school, made fall in love “artificially” straight men w me etc.
I was also able to cast love spell on other for personal gain. But it wasn’t enough. This was dictated by the rage I was experiencing being transgender so I went further.
I began to summon demons and pledged my soul to Lucifer at 17, as long he would gave me ANYTHING. A new, immortal body, power. He was obviously too powerful to handle for me and didn’t answer “properly” so when I was studying the kings of hell my eyes went on Asmodeus. For some unknown reason his name, his sigil spoke to me. So I began being obsessed w him.
I’ve drawn his sigil in blood on the floor and sit in it begging him. For the next 3 days an eye appeared on my left hand, blinking at me. At night, 3 o clock sharp the sound of a howl can be heard in my room only. All of this for 3 days.
I was terrified. So what a stupid 17 yo can do? I dissolved my invocation asking god to forgave me.
Now, all the shit went wrong from that time.
Economic disasters, family loss, my mom went blind, my dad died, all my relationships broken.
I suffered from depression, opiates addiction, sex addiction. U name it.
But at the same time I’ve felt some kind of presence, a protection. I could literally had died multiple times but somewhat managed to survive. I’m beautiful, I look like a 25 yo and my face looks like frozen in time. I believe in god but so I believe in Lucifer. I’m torn between them.
For all this time I tried my best to be a good Christian, I know I’m a good person, but I always feel HE is watching me. I don’t know how to explain. I fell like I’ve been chosen. Don’t know for what.
I just feel in my bone this presence, this something who talk to me.
When I was little I was doing this game: I was pretending to be two different personalities, one good and one bad. The bad one protected me from the fragile little good one. When the good one asked a question, the bad one answered always told her what to do. But I can feel the bad one wasn’t me answering it.
This is still going on today. Whenever I ask myself a question, I respond knowing it’s not fully me. Do u get it? I hope.
So I’m here, trapped w all kinds of problem, asking god why he would allow this. And then almost immediately my other side emerge and tell me that I belong to lucifer, that I’m a chosen one. Sound crazy right?
I don’t know if Asmodeus never leave, if my soul pledge was accepted or not. I know nothing.
All I know is that I’m desperate for some answer, because if my soul is indeed bind to Lucifer, I just want to accept it and move along.