New beginning

this outlines the realization of myself, where i wish to be, what i struggle with, and the “story” behind it all. it will be in a general “story” format, so i decided that it should go in general discussion. Even though it will have things i would like help with, advice on, input, opinions on, etc… it is majorly going to become a “story” post, so i figured it would be better to keep it out of the other threads. in this I’ll detail a lot of my life, experiences, and things about me. just know before hand that it is a thread dealing stricly with my life, and if your not interested in hearing a story unfold, the happy, the horrible, the sad, and the asipiration, the work that needs done, the advice i need, where and how i’m struggling, why i need ascent etc, then know now that that’s whats going to be detailed in the next few paragraphs.

My name is Ryan. I’m more of a secretive person, and I don’t really like people knowing too much about me. Here i don’t really care all that much, cause i know I’m dealing with people that aren’t too very “judgemental” about the bad, and ugly sides of life. Everybody has them, and that is what leads alot of us down the path we have chosen. Or at the very least, thats how it seems. I discovered E.A. by complete accident, i wouldn’t say it was a fluke per say, considering i used to consider my self a christian, although more or less a non denominational “believer.” I had started looking into paganism, wicca, other “religions” started looking into kundalini, and magick practices, dealing with chakras, energy control and manipulation, I found E.A. site here, become a living god, and started reading his books, watching videos, looking into other things, and became quite fond of his work, long before i ever even became a member of this site.

Now with that being said, I do have background information on magick and ascent, I know a little of what i would be doing, although the how is my problem. Like most here know, you can read a thousand books on the subject and not even know where to begin, what you are doing, how to do it, or why you even started going down this path, by the time you’ve read all them books. Now I’ll lay out some of the details of my life.

alot of my early life, i can’t really remember all that well, I’d say my vivid memories start at around the time I was ten, after my dad died. I do know we were a happy family, typical family life and all that. I was a very naive kid, very naive in my eyes, even if family and family friends say i was a very smart boy. After my dad passed, my mom kinda curled up in a ball of depression and hid away in her room, pretty well neglecting all household responsibilities. Me being a little boy not knowing what to do, didn’t do anything at all, and that is where its fucking me in the long run now.

I ended up making friends in school, started smoking weed, and before too long after my mom took to her ball of morbidness, (2 years after or so) my house became the ultimate spot to party. It was all about fuckin bitches, gettin drunk, and high, watever. I practically had people living with me, all the time my house was filled with no less than 4 people, save me and my mom. i became much of a druggie, not your typical junkie of one drug, i was a druggie, xanax, adderall. valium, klonopin, ritalin, vicaden, percoset, loritab, shrooms, oxycontin, coke, eventually (only several times) meth, watever thats off topic, but you get the point.

my mom is a bipolar lunatic, like i don’t look down on people for mental illness, but my mom is unlike others, she constantly would drag me down, completely. she can’t even manage her household, at all. throughout the years i ended up in rehab and got clean still am (i smoke weed once in a while, big whoop) and tried making something of myself, on probation til im 21, and im still trying to make something of myself, i still live with my mom (very unfortunately) and its what is mostly making me unable to accomplish anything. my mom has had two dui’s and hit hardees on the second one, so she’s pretty fucked on a license, we have a piece of shit car that doesn’t even run right now, and i don’t even have my license, because when i was in school, my dumb fuck ass didn’t think i should have to go to school on Halloween went to school, and threatened to blow it up and shoot everyone that came out, so i was arrested and thrown in juvi, and expelled from every district in illinois for two years, so i just ended up getting my g.e.d. im trying to make a difference in my life now, and get a job but its extremely hard when i live in a tiny ass dot on even a blown up map of illinois. theres only several businesses in my town, multiple bars (which want me to be 21) and none of them want to hire me right now, especially when they find out im on probation, and i cant get out of town to get a different job.

my mom is such a mental mess, that she tells me she can’t even decide what to put on her sandwich, so I’ll probably always live with my mom, even though I’ll be the one supporting her. in other words she can’t function enough to pay a bill, which has been my responsibility for some time now, but before i knew how to pay a bill, she got so behind on our house payment, a payment of a loan, and various other bills, I’m in the process of paying $25 on a normally $300 bill, to keep from getting sued, and to have a place to live. my grandma passed as of recent, so some bills have falled to me, well my mom since the property was in her name, but basically me since i take care of that stuff, and we need to sell the place, its been sitting there with electric on since september so the pipes don’t freeze, running that bill up, because my mom won’t turn it off (i would but they won’t let me since its in her name) if we sold it, our debt would be solved momentarily, now the real, current problems begin.

This house is falling apart, the water heater is leaking profusely, and the floor has been ate through in several spots, a plumber says we have a water pocket holding an estimated thousand gallons of water under our house. the plumbing is backed up, and its gonna be an extremely costly job to fix, considering the plumbers came out today, and ran a snake through the main line, which didnt help, had to get under the house and run a line, which they couldn’t reach for ‘insert plumbing term i cannot remember’ so our toilet is currently flushing shit and piss under my house. my washer and dryer is about 3 months from going completely out, and the short we have in our electric, tends to knock out the power three times (atleast) per wash cycle. I don’t even have phone service. I’m trying to fix this, pay the bills, and eat with $800 a month, now i realize thats alot more than some people have, but its not nearly enough. 3 mouths to feed, not to mention all the other problems. my moms room is deteriorating with a shit ton of black mold because of the water heater. i know alot of you are probably thinking i need to get off my ass and do something about this, but i’ve been trying. I can’t seem to get a job, i know nothing about how to fix this shit, and i cant afford to have someone else fix it all. which leads me here, this is what i’m trying to do about it. I know its a long journey to complete ascent but if i can manage to get into the theta gamma sync consistently, i think i would have an easier time dealing with this stuff, considering what i can do with tgs. which leads me to my next session enough rambling on about the shit hand of cards i was dealt recently. Now that you know why, exactly I’m here, looking for ascent, I’ll begin to elaborate on the rest.

What I really want out of magick is to walk along the astral planes, and otherwise, to be able to evoke something to help my plan. but that much is obvious of any magician. More specifically, what i want is to walk along the planes, until i reach the levels of sat nam, to soar endlessly, fearfully into creation and destruction as a whole, to be able to evoke, and evoke, and evoke until i can create a sufficient enough change, to not just change my life, to change the lifes of people in general, on a whole, new unreal scale. as much of a far fetched idealism this is, i would like to see to it that others do not have to bear the struggles i’ve faced with my life. obviously, my first priority is creating a significant enough change in my life, that i can perform evocations that will lead me in the direction of bringing this goal into a real glimmer of possibility within the world. Right now as it stands, I pretty much have nothing but time to hone skills, money, not so much, but time i can spend, effortlessly. my goals of ascent is a place of power, a place i can reach my hand out and touch a single person, or generalized population and change it drastically. as immature as these dreams are, and with my realization that it is not as a whole possible or realistic, helping the world recover from the onslaught of bullshit political figures would be nice, maybe striking down several in the process. now at this point alot of you may be thinking “well have you considered white magick” that is utterly something i refuse with my whole heart to do. as unbalanced as parts of me as a person are, i know exactly where my heart lies in this. white magick is far from where i need to be. i firmly believe from chaos, order is born, and that is what needs restored. something has to be un-thoroughly destroyed before it can blossom. Now, my intent is not to destroy the world or anything, that would be reeeaaalllyyy out there. but, it is necessary, I would see pieces of it fall into shambles. I would see this world better, as a whole for everyone in it, but first, there may be certain places in it that need to feel the worse end of the stick before that may happen. moving along, right now my ultimate struggle is the theta gamma sync, I’ve been meditating and practicing regularly, and, with the thankful help of a specific member here, im sure im growing closer than i’ve been able to myself. the bigger problem for me now, is where to go after i’ve achieved that part of my journey. I know i would like to start traversing the planes, eventually reaching the level that sat nam is at, and while i would know maybe how to soul travel this realm once i reach the tgs, i only have a general idea of how to reach the planes above, I don’t even know if its a good idea for me to start there, considering the problems my life is facing, maybe i should start with evocation instead. divination, right now is a neat thing to me, but more or less, im not too worried about getting to master that part of everything right away. maybe i would have to to gain true ascent, and i would in that case, but its just not something i want to fiddle with much at this point in my journey. I know i might be able to pay this, that and the other, and get guidance from real masters, but i just don’t have that kind of money right now. as of this point in time, even $100 dollars can mean the difference between being able to eat for half the month, and im not at the point in my journey that i can wave my hand, perform a ritual, and gain a profit from somewhere in a matter of days, if i could, i wouldn’t need the guidance as bad, and if i did, i would be able to acquire it fairly easy im sure. I have alot of questions about things to do with the occult itself, with meditation, with evocation and soul travel, as well as in other areas too, but at this point, i can’t think very well on them. If/when this gets any replies, i’ll elaborate more on those, or if you want to pm me, we can have a detailed discussion about the aforementioned things. I appreciate your reading, the time you take to reply, and the extra help that i know someone will offer. The people here, so far, have been great to me. Have a good day everyone.

Wasn’t able to read it fully cause I gotta bolt somewhere, but hey:

  1. Whatever are your magickal goals it is kinda hard to achieve when you have to worry about mundane things such as making the money for bills.

  2. You should first fix your nearest things before attempting the bigger things like astral travel. Dun worry, it will happen and you will achieve it, have no doubts about it, but you need to go step by step.

It would be like you suddenly deciding you want to do scuba diving but you haven’t even taken a course on it, going out to do it because you’re confident about your swimming skills.

  1. If you do not focus on solving small things, your frustration when the bigger ones don’t work will savagely put you down to the point you might decide that magick is a sham and quit it alltogether despite your experiences.

This happens to me even to this day and, without wishing to brag, I’ve had at least enough experience to know that this works, and that it is real. I am talking experiences of the likes of apparitions, stuff moving, receiving signs such as knocks, etc…

  1. Get to open magickal squares and open them. The ones with numbers, not the ones with letters (because apparently they summon several spirits while the numerical one imbue you in planetary influences).

  2. Open the seal of Baalberith and ask him to help you reach financial stability in exchange of preaching on his name (find people you can trust with this info who are also in need of a push, teach them and tell them how he helped you).

This is all I can tell you for now, cause gotta bounce. Will get back at you with the specific square I want to use (I haven’t still, but is good), and well, you can look up for Baalberith’s sign (He is usually found under the name of Berith).

It HAS helped me a lot. You see, as of lately? Our business has failed catastrophically. We had two rented shops were we sold souvenirs and stuff like that to tourists. We recently also ordered more merchandise since we were running low on stuck, right?

Well what do you know, fucking faggot of landowner decided he ain’t renovating our leasing and he’s kicking us out. We have 15 days to move about four trucks worth of boxes, and needless to say, we need to find a new place and do something otherwise we’re gonna get piled by debts.

Berith came to me in dreams and told me to do that, to find people in need who would give him a try. What he’s done for me up to this point:

  • People are coming into my office and proposing all sorts of business ideas.

  • While we’re moving, I’ve found people who would buy our shit in bulk, and surprisingly they are giving us better than usual prices.

  • Having dreams of where and what I could do to redirect our investment.

  • Places where I hang around online? Well, let’s just say that if the conversation is about baseball? Suddenly I keep finding threads about how to profit with baseball (collectibles, etc…) To such bizarre lengths like jokingly talking about Bigfoot and suddenly the conversation turning towards exploitable crops such as yohimbine or sugar cane.

It’s funny, but as you see, my daily occurrences are being steered towards things that could bring me cash if I focused on them.

Motherfucker! I just realized! If you’ve got the money (little investment actually), look up on youtube how to make a blowgun. Younglings love blowguns and will pay nicely. I would do it if I had the time!

It’s very easy (I’ve done a few but for obscure purposes), and you could put it on Craiglist and stuff. Be sure to not include harmful darts, try to make them soft-tipped (dunno how, you’ll figure it out, don’t worry). Just advertise them as TOY blowguns that is.

Please check your state laws regarding blowgun ownership and such. Might be illegal, but I know some states in the USA don’t have much against it as long as it is a toy (like make them too small or too short to be taken seriously).

Just came into my mind, and saw Berith smiling. Might mean he wanted me to tell you that.

Yeah 333, I agree its hard to focus when you have so much going on, lately I’ve seemed to do a good job at it though. It doesn’t seem to interfere when i meditate, and I feel significantly closer to TGS than i did at the beginning of this month, albeit not quite there…yet! Yeah i kinda thought that, once i can consistently reach and maintain TGS , I should work more on evocation, and fixing the wrong. Even before that I’m doing all in my physical power to get there, It just doesn’t seem like its moving more than a centimeter a day, I feel like it could be so much easier with… added help. I just didn’t know whether astral travelling would benefit to add strength to my evocations, or if evocations would give the necessary energy for astral travel. I’ll definitely open the squares, and charge Beriths sigil, but wouldn’t I have to be able to comfortably enter TGS to be able to even perform sigil magick like that? I’ll definitely give it a shot and I know I will, but I’m gonna get myself acquainted with TGS before I even think about putting my nose in anything else. I don’t want to perform an evocation, be startled by the demons presence, and be shocked out of TGS because it took that much attention to hold it lol. I’ll post progress updates periodically! Thanks for the help.

Oh and I’ll look into the blowgun idea. I don’t really know if they’d sell around here, parents kinda are the Stick-up-my-ass-my-kids-perfect-and-you-suck kind around here. but i will ask around and see if anyone would be interested, hell if anything I could mod it to be a weapon and sell it to some of my collector buddies! ;p Thanks again!