this outlines the realization of myself, where i wish to be, what i struggle with, and the “story” behind it all. it will be in a general “story” format, so i decided that it should go in general discussion. Even though it will have things i would like help with, advice on, input, opinions on, etc… it is majorly going to become a “story” post, so i figured it would be better to keep it out of the other threads. in this I’ll detail a lot of my life, experiences, and things about me. just know before hand that it is a thread dealing stricly with my life, and if your not interested in hearing a story unfold, the happy, the horrible, the sad, and the asipiration, the work that needs done, the advice i need, where and how i’m struggling, why i need ascent etc, then know now that that’s whats going to be detailed in the next few paragraphs.
My name is Ryan. I’m more of a secretive person, and I don’t really like people knowing too much about me. Here i don’t really care all that much, cause i know I’m dealing with people that aren’t too very “judgemental” about the bad, and ugly sides of life. Everybody has them, and that is what leads alot of us down the path we have chosen. Or at the very least, thats how it seems. I discovered E.A. by complete accident, i wouldn’t say it was a fluke per say, considering i used to consider my self a christian, although more or less a non denominational “believer.” I had started looking into paganism, wicca, other “religions” started looking into kundalini, and magick practices, dealing with chakras, energy control and manipulation, I found E.A. site here, become a living god, and started reading his books, watching videos, looking into other things, and became quite fond of his work, long before i ever even became a member of this site.
Now with that being said, I do have background information on magick and ascent, I know a little of what i would be doing, although the how is my problem. Like most here know, you can read a thousand books on the subject and not even know where to begin, what you are doing, how to do it, or why you even started going down this path, by the time you’ve read all them books. Now I’ll lay out some of the details of my life.
alot of my early life, i can’t really remember all that well, I’d say my vivid memories start at around the time I was ten, after my dad died. I do know we were a happy family, typical family life and all that. I was a very naive kid, very naive in my eyes, even if family and family friends say i was a very smart boy. After my dad passed, my mom kinda curled up in a ball of depression and hid away in her room, pretty well neglecting all household responsibilities. Me being a little boy not knowing what to do, didn’t do anything at all, and that is where its fucking me in the long run now.
I ended up making friends in school, started smoking weed, and before too long after my mom took to her ball of morbidness, (2 years after or so) my house became the ultimate spot to party. It was all about fuckin bitches, gettin drunk, and high, watever. I practically had people living with me, all the time my house was filled with no less than 4 people, save me and my mom. i became much of a druggie, not your typical junkie of one drug, i was a druggie, xanax, adderall. valium, klonopin, ritalin, vicaden, percoset, loritab, shrooms, oxycontin, coke, eventually (only several times) meth, watever thats off topic, but you get the point.
my mom is a bipolar lunatic, like i don’t look down on people for mental illness, but my mom is unlike others, she constantly would drag me down, completely. she can’t even manage her household, at all. throughout the years i ended up in rehab and got clean still am (i smoke weed once in a while, big whoop) and tried making something of myself, on probation til im 21, and im still trying to make something of myself, i still live with my mom (very unfortunately) and its what is mostly making me unable to accomplish anything. my mom has had two dui’s and hit hardees on the second one, so she’s pretty fucked on a license, we have a piece of shit car that doesn’t even run right now, and i don’t even have my license, because when i was in school, my dumb fuck ass didn’t think i should have to go to school on Halloween went to school, and threatened to blow it up and shoot everyone that came out, so i was arrested and thrown in juvi, and expelled from every district in illinois for two years, so i just ended up getting my g.e.d. im trying to make a difference in my life now, and get a job but its extremely hard when i live in a tiny ass dot on even a blown up map of illinois. theres only several businesses in my town, multiple bars (which want me to be 21) and none of them want to hire me right now, especially when they find out im on probation, and i cant get out of town to get a different job.
my mom is such a mental mess, that she tells me she can’t even decide what to put on her sandwich, so I’ll probably always live with my mom, even though I’ll be the one supporting her. in other words she can’t function enough to pay a bill, which has been my responsibility for some time now, but before i knew how to pay a bill, she got so behind on our house payment, a payment of a loan, and various other bills, I’m in the process of paying $25 on a normally $300 bill, to keep from getting sued, and to have a place to live. my grandma passed as of recent, so some bills have falled to me, well my mom since the property was in her name, but basically me since i take care of that stuff, and we need to sell the place, its been sitting there with electric on since september so the pipes don’t freeze, running that bill up, because my mom won’t turn it off (i would but they won’t let me since its in her name) if we sold it, our debt would be solved momentarily, now the real, current problems begin.
This house is falling apart, the water heater is leaking profusely, and the floor has been ate through in several spots, a plumber says we have a water pocket holding an estimated thousand gallons of water under our house. the plumbing is backed up, and its gonna be an extremely costly job to fix, considering the plumbers came out today, and ran a snake through the main line, which didnt help, had to get under the house and run a line, which they couldn’t reach for ‘insert plumbing term i cannot remember’ so our toilet is currently flushing shit and piss under my house. my washer and dryer is about 3 months from going completely out, and the short we have in our electric, tends to knock out the power three times (atleast) per wash cycle. I don’t even have phone service. I’m trying to fix this, pay the bills, and eat with $800 a month, now i realize thats alot more than some people have, but its not nearly enough. 3 mouths to feed, not to mention all the other problems. my moms room is deteriorating with a shit ton of black mold because of the water heater. i know alot of you are probably thinking i need to get off my ass and do something about this, but i’ve been trying. I can’t seem to get a job, i know nothing about how to fix this shit, and i cant afford to have someone else fix it all. which leads me here, this is what i’m trying to do about it. I know its a long journey to complete ascent but if i can manage to get into the theta gamma sync consistently, i think i would have an easier time dealing with this stuff, considering what i can do with tgs. which leads me to my next session enough rambling on about the shit hand of cards i was dealt recently. Now that you know why, exactly I’m here, looking for ascent, I’ll begin to elaborate on the rest.
What I really want out of magick is to walk along the astral planes, and otherwise, to be able to evoke something to help my plan. but that much is obvious of any magician. More specifically, what i want is to walk along the planes, until i reach the levels of sat nam, to soar endlessly, fearfully into creation and destruction as a whole, to be able to evoke, and evoke, and evoke until i can create a sufficient enough change, to not just change my life, to change the lifes of people in general, on a whole, new unreal scale. as much of a far fetched idealism this is, i would like to see to it that others do not have to bear the struggles i’ve faced with my life. obviously, my first priority is creating a significant enough change in my life, that i can perform evocations that will lead me in the direction of bringing this goal into a real glimmer of possibility within the world. Right now as it stands, I pretty much have nothing but time to hone skills, money, not so much, but time i can spend, effortlessly. my goals of ascent is a place of power, a place i can reach my hand out and touch a single person, or generalized population and change it drastically. as immature as these dreams are, and with my realization that it is not as a whole possible or realistic, helping the world recover from the onslaught of bullshit political figures would be nice, maybe striking down several in the process. now at this point alot of you may be thinking “well have you considered white magick” that is utterly something i refuse with my whole heart to do. as unbalanced as parts of me as a person are, i know exactly where my heart lies in this. white magick is far from where i need to be. i firmly believe from chaos, order is born, and that is what needs restored. something has to be un-thoroughly destroyed before it can blossom. Now, my intent is not to destroy the world or anything, that would be reeeaaalllyyy out there. but, it is necessary, I would see pieces of it fall into shambles. I would see this world better, as a whole for everyone in it, but first, there may be certain places in it that need to feel the worse end of the stick before that may happen. moving along, right now my ultimate struggle is the theta gamma sync, I’ve been meditating and practicing regularly, and, with the thankful help of a specific member here, im sure im growing closer than i’ve been able to myself. the bigger problem for me now, is where to go after i’ve achieved that part of my journey. I know i would like to start traversing the planes, eventually reaching the level that sat nam is at, and while i would know maybe how to soul travel this realm once i reach the tgs, i only have a general idea of how to reach the planes above, I don’t even know if its a good idea for me to start there, considering the problems my life is facing, maybe i should start with evocation instead. divination, right now is a neat thing to me, but more or less, im not too worried about getting to master that part of everything right away. maybe i would have to to gain true ascent, and i would in that case, but its just not something i want to fiddle with much at this point in my journey. I know i might be able to pay this, that and the other, and get guidance from real masters, but i just don’t have that kind of money right now. as of this point in time, even $100 dollars can mean the difference between being able to eat for half the month, and im not at the point in my journey that i can wave my hand, perform a ritual, and gain a profit from somewhere in a matter of days, if i could, i wouldn’t need the guidance as bad, and if i did, i would be able to acquire it fairly easy im sure. I have alot of questions about things to do with the occult itself, with meditation, with evocation and soul travel, as well as in other areas too, but at this point, i can’t think very well on them. If/when this gets any replies, i’ll elaborate more on those, or if you want to pm me, we can have a detailed discussion about the aforementioned things. I appreciate your reading, the time you take to reply, and the extra help that i know someone will offer. The people here, so far, have been great to me. Have a good day everyone.