So I was working on my personal ritual for Venus. I was…caught up in the inspiration. I eventually found myself adding a section in which the ritualist must consider venus’s realities further beyond love, sex, and beauty. It came that Venus rules over the seeking of acceptance and company with others of the metaphoric tribe. Physical pleasure, affection, sensuality, sex, are used to form emotional connections. They are not distractions from spirituality (unless we let them be) as much as seeking spirituality itself (in that in can cause undeserved egos).
The ritual was given various visualizations. They focused on taking in your Venus deity and using their power to channel your more positive aspects into a regenerative fire and having people gather around you for warmth. The flame signifies a giving (on your part) of emotional support. Though, when I performed the ritual, I’ve noticed the visualizations were difficult to maintain. The reason why was that I was holding back, not entirely there.
This is to that grimiore I’m writing, and the grimiore deals less with meditating on a deity’s energy and more on using fantasizing and daydreaming, preferably with the company of music, to get closer to the deity. In doing so, you create in your mind what the deity would be like and you dictate your interaction with them. You then observe your self emotionally, how you feel and react to this deity.
I my self tend to react to venus deities with distrust and defiance. I state things like “My success will not be measured in women.” or “I will show that one doesn’t need you to be successful.” Course this rhetoric is based on my sense of being a fringe society outcast, a sort of rebellion. Still, its just empty talk. In real life, I stumble around in depression, fantasizing of the relationships and charisma I never had.
My revelation is that each planet of old astrology deals with very primal aspects of human existence. For example, Mars deals with conflict in all its forms, whether be wars, fights for survival, wrongs that must be righted, feuds, or competitions. Mars is all about triumphing over another and (at its extreme) requires that one stand strong, be closed up, and be show no vulnerability.
Venus is the exact opposite of Mars in that instead of triumphing over another, its about finding harmony with others. Not just for getting along, or to working on collective goals, but actually enjoying each other’s company and connecting on an emotional level. To do this, you need to open up and be vulnerable. This is what I’ve always had trouble with.
I don’t trust easily. Hell, not even myself. I have very few people I call friends, but I do not actually feel connected to them emotionally. Everyone else are just people I hang around to keep me from being bored and alone. I meet more people I can actually see myself forming a real connection with at a goth club, but I only go once a month. I’m more use to being alone with my thoughts, and because of that my defenses are still pretty high. I like to profess myself and my knowledge, ideas, and creative projects among others as to impress them and feel a sort of superiority. Though there are moments when I shift to a more compassionate mind set, usually when I see the flickers of other people’s vulnerability.
When it comes to sexuality, I’d say I have a broken relationship with it. There’s a moment in my story where Serenity goes after Dante as to emotionally ease him because her friends attacked him. He then accuses her of manipulating him by playing the nice girl, thus lumping her with her friends by sheer association. Since then, he just refuses to trust her because of that one instance. Imagine that happening several times. I don’t hold a good relationship with Venus because whenever I’ve tried to embrace my sexuality, it’s left me feeling hurt, betrayed, and further broken. I’m greatly afraid of being accused of sexual harassment. For men that’s a slippery slope. And so I embrace Mercury’s intellectual dispassion and Mars’s combativeness as to protect me from being hurt again. This leads to arrogance. It’s better to be the jerk who wants nothing to do with others than to be the creep who won’t leave others alone. Still, even in my defiance, I yearn for a more positive relationship with Venus. Though, like any woman, I just choose to believe she rejects me over struggling to get her real opinion out. I’ve found this to be really difficult with real women. And thus in response reject her.
As said, Venus is not just about sex, beauty, or relationships. Its about connecting. You need to open yourself up and be vulnerable. You can’t show distrust, let alone defiance. Most importantly, you need to open up and embrace your self; or as some would say, your feminine side.
I’m not trying to write this as to brag, but to ask for help. How can I open myself to trust when I’ve been hurt so many times? I suppose I’m not the only one here who’s dealt with this experience. If so, I hope those who read this and can relate realize they aren’t alone.