My first attempt at Shadow Work & meeting my Shadow Self

I attempted Shadow Work for the first time last night, I knew that it's something that I need to do to get better as a person because I know that (depending on how you do it) you heal from past trauma. I had seen someone use a method that didn't seem to yeild results, and so I figured it was a good place to start and test the waters. And I didn't think it would work, but I figured it was a good place to start and the instructions and layout was easy enough, that I figured if it didn't work that it would be a good place to start and build off of.

 So, I did; I followed what felt right for me to do, what I felt guided to do. I cleansed the room, the mirror that I was using and myself. Then I lit a white candle, a black candle and I listened to a shadow work meditation to help block outside distractions and closed my eyes, just feeling the music.

I sat on a bunch of blankets I made into a makeshift seat, turned off the lights and I stared into the mirror. It near immediately started to shift, and I felt an overwhelming feeling of fear and anxiety which activated my "fight or flight" response. I closed my eyes, took a few deep breaths and reminded myself that in doing this it's normal to feel these things and that I'm not in danger.

I steeled my resolve and opened my eyes, the mirror began to physically shift and ripple. Then I started to see shit, myself turning into my worst fears. I saw myself covered in 3rd or 4th degree burns, old, an old man, a young woman but no me. At this point I had tears in my eyes, and I just couldn't look at myself, I looked away and let a couple of tears fall before looking back into the mirror.

 It then shifted to me covered in dirt, bruised and my mouth was sewn shut and I could see my fear being reflected in my eyes. But it looked like she, or me, looked scared too it a way. I knew that I was scared, but it looked like that hurt version of me was also scared if that makes sense.

The mirror then started to physically go black and at first I was a little freaked and blinked then it was gone, I thought it was just me losing my focus and stared into my eyes with more intention. (For some reason I was worried about it going black maybe me falling asleep, and I thought that it was just me not focusing hard enough)
Until it happened again, but this time I let it go dark and I watched myself turn into a completely different woman. She didn't look like my at all, and this entire time I felt like I couldn't speak, so I just watched. She was sitting like me but she had long black hair, dark eyes, she was naked and her arms were wrapped around herself like a straight jacket, her mouth was gone it looked like but it was just covered by a cloth it looked like.
She showed me the same things I had seen before, but she also showed me a weird and almost skinwalker version of myself, and I knew that she was showing me my fears, people I have trauma with and that the reason she showed me myself was because out of all of the things that I hate seeing, I hate seeing myself and I hate myself more than anything else.

And during this entire thing, I got the overwhelming feeling that I can't touch her or the mirror, because I had the fear that she would pull me in the first chance she got. So I didn't get closer and resisted the urge to touch the mirror, but it was mostly her coming in and out, showing me those things on repeat. Eventually I stopped feeling afraid of her, she looked as scared as I felt but mostly curious and I could feel her curiosity. The room kept going dark behind me, and I felt a soft touch on my stomach but I couldn't see anything else in the room but us or even feel anything else in the room, so I ignored the touch because I didn't want to feed into something that I didn't know.
 We sat there and just watched each other, until I realized that I could indeed speak and that my voice wasn't stolen. I couldn't muster more than a whisper when I started talking to her, I thought that despite how scary she looked that she was really pretty. I looked at her and for some stupid reason I made a deal with her her, a "you don't hurt me, I won't hurt you. I'm here solely for growth purposes, we both benefit from this." for more of a mutual understanding and she seemed to agree or at least understand me which helped me not be afraid of her but I still aired on the side of caution. I asked her if I could paint her, not for her but for me and journaling purposes and because I felt a strong urge to and I was worried that I would forget what she looked like for some reason, and I saw her head nod but look away from me. She didn't feel like she wanted to hurt me, she gave me the vibe that a child psychopath would that dangerous innocence. I told her that I felt bad that she had to live in such a scary place surrounded by nothing but darkness, and I got the feeling that it was normal and that's just where she lives which was a valid point.

After doing this for however long, I wasn't keeping track of time, she started to fade more and the mirror was flickering to black more than it was normally. And I got the feeling that she was done talking with me, I thanked her for a reason I can't say other than politeness. Blew the candles out and thanked whatever was so the room but dismissed it to be on the safe side, turned on the lights and stretched.

 But, for a few hours I kept feeling a sense of fear and like something was following me. I kept thinking it was just Belial or Beelzebub (Out of the demons, he's the one who strikes genuine fear into me by just being himself. He hasn't been around for weeks, but idk why I thought it was him, maybe familiarity.) And when I would look to see I would see her, just looking at me with a truly unnerving sense of intrigue and curiosity, unnerving because I didn't think she was supposed to be able to leave the mirror. So I ignored it, I didn't want to acknowledge what she was doing or give her any attention when I didn't know what it would mean for me. It was very unnerving, and I couldn't tell if it was real or if I was hallucinating her or not.

I talked with my partner and they said that it's mostly mental and that if I think my fear feeds her than it feeds her, and if I think it gives her power over me than it does. My partner also mentioned that she's not evil, she's not bad, she's just the darkest part of me and that she probably doesn't really know what she's doing.

The room looked so dark and it felt like a nightmare kind of, and I felt something in the room and than I realized that if it is mental than I can take it over. I repeated to myself that she’s not evil, she’s not bad and that she doesn’t actually have power over me and hat she’s not stronger than my higher self. I told myself that she’s just looks scary but that doesn’t mean that she is scary, and for some reason I imagined like mushrooms.
There’s some animals that look really scary but that doesn’t mean that they are bad or anything, it just means that they LOOK scary. So I figured she’s like a mushroom, some look scary but that’s it and I kept calling her in my head just a scary little mushroom. As I was doing this I felt something or someone getting frustrated with me and frustrated with my partner for saying that, but after that the room physically cleared up. It went from a nightmare to just put room in the dark, so I kept calling her just a scary mushroom. And mentally reaffirming that she’s not stronger than me or my higher self, and that she just looks scary because that’s normal where she’s from.

My partner also scolded me for wanting to paint her because of physical ties, and she’ll body swap me and I’ll integrate into her vs. her integrating into me. So, I’ll hold off the urge until then because I don’t want to risk anything, I figure that she can’t take me over if she’s already healed and she’s been swallowed by my higher self. (I want to paint her too though, even though I haven’t met her yet. I just feel like she will be very paint-able.)

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Good job

Thank you!

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Keep it up. Hard to read the first section without the word wrap tho.

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I know, no idea what happened there though, I typed it normally but it warped itself.

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Yeah that’s wild, I’ve not see a post like that. Made it unique tho so you got that.

I typed it on mobile, don’t know if that has anything to do with it​:thinking: but my posts keep warping and I can’t seem to stop it, truthfully don’t even notice until I post. At least I get points for originality though, I guess :joy:

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For some reason, I did some shadow work yesterday, and I also dreamed with mushrooms in all my back. It so weird, and it feels very strange. Why mushrooms? I had this dream before reading your post.

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