My Dark Night Of The Soul - Entering The Abyss.
There comes a time where even consciously or subconsciously we enter the all encompassing darkness of the abyss.
Some like to give it names like Ahriman, Cznerobog, other gods of darkness and personifications.
The term abyss is fitting, don’t confuse this with hell or anything demonic or infernal.
It is the place of total suffering, torment, torture and darkness.
I soul travelled there, hearing the nashing of teeth, screams and cries.
No light nor form, a sense of absolute worthlessness and suffering came.
Insanity set in quickly, quicker than expected and I was forced to be tested.
The darkness would taunt me with the most painful moments of my life playing over and over.
Of my abusive father, my sexual abuse, physical abuse, mental abuse. As well as loosing my grandfather the only father figure I had, loosing my best friend to suicide.
If that wasn’t enough to try and break me, it showed me visions of lies to introduce worry and paranoia of my future.
Showing my child leaving me, saying I became like my father, seeing my friends all turn against me. Seeing my lover at the time leave me, to cheat and destroy me.
Showing horrible things too that are so graphic it’s best left unsaid.
The pain, torment and insanity in this abyss was excruciating.
As I returned to my body after the insufferable torture, I thought that would be it and that I faced my inner demons.
I was wrong …
That darkness must follow you, it lingers on you’re heart and plagues it, it poisons and haunts the mind. My actual life descended into chaos, loosing everything.
These atrocities in my life were physical manifestations of the spiritual darkness I was in.
I didn’t know that I had already started my dark night of the soul, before consciously going to the abyss.
I was placed in jail by my own sibling, because i wouldn’t give her money for her drug addiction she went to the police with false allegations of rape.
There I sat in a cell overnight, depression took over me, extreme anger devoured me till the point of self annihilation.
I got out of there and I had evidence to prove her claims were false, mountains of evidence.
Just as I thought the worst was behind me, I turned heavily to alcoholism and began my drug addiction.
Sleeping with women that I barely knew, waking up next to a stranger with drugs in my pocket, empty bottles on the floor and no money.
I would starve and still I was alive, I wouldn’t sleep nor would I eat if I even could afford it.
My five year relationship withered away.
I reached a point of trying to kill myself multiple times, the last attempt was very close and I ended up in the hospital having my stomach force out the large quantity of tablets I ingested.
Laying in the hospital bed, alone depressed, stressed and angry.
I entered the mind state of emptiness, a cold dark shell with no emotions no ambitions or desire.
I stared death in the face and didn’t care anymore.
I returned to the abyss again and sat there absorbing the darkness becoming the pain and rage.
I became a sinister black magician, only focused with the darkest of practices.
Death and murder excited me, blood and pain became my main sexual fetishes, the demons seemed as if they were angels to me.
I was in cemeteries performing animal sacrifice, nearly naked in the grave-dirt insanity and a lust for power. Immediately poisoned my heart, I became comfortable in this darkness and saw no reason to leave it.
However I could feel that if I stayed, it would keep me forever and I would no longer exercise it’s power. I would instead be a damned soul in the abyss, a slave to this darkness trapped for eternity even after death.
So I gathered all the power I could, rose stronger than ever after my trials and tests.
I looked the darkness in its face so to speak, stating that I am who I am.
You do not decide my fate, no force, no power nor any god can bind me.
With the new found invincible strength, impenetrable being and awakening the power which had been lying dormant within.
I became the light of the eternal, not good, nor evil beyond all.
I shredded ego, detached from identity and rose to the highest plane of existence to become all.
This is the story of my torment and pain, through it I gained all I could ever ask for and more.
BECOME DESTROYED IN PAIN , BECOME REBORN IN STRENGTH, RISE IN POWER AND ASCEND.