My Damnation

My Damnation Hell On Earth.

I have soul traveled into all hells and was tortured to get rid of my weakness. I was damned and still am. However to quote Eric “In Damnation I found my liberation”. I am damned however in this life physically.

I literally have been through actual hell in this world, I’m not making this for pitty I’m trying to show you the sacrifices that must be made.

My Hell.

Let’s start from the beginning, when I was born I honestly believe I shouldn’t have been given life. I suffered a head injury which released a very dangerous liquid and chemical organism in my brain.
The doctors told my mother, he won’t be able to live longer than a month. Once I lived past a month, they said he won’t live longer than 6 months. All of a sudden I did, this shocked the medical staff.

Afterwards they said I would be blind, deaf, mute, unable to walk and would have a chance of down-syndrome. However none of that happened and I was known as a miracle child. Fast-ford I began dealing with the problems in my head the liquid is still in my brain but the swelling went down, however if I suffer a dangerous injury on my head it could be fatal. So as you can tell just from my birth things in my life was rough. When I was released from hospital and had my late birthday party, my father destroyed my party and chucked me and my mother out in the snow I was wearing no clothes.

My biological father told me mother ‘bring it back when it grows up’. Then he went upstairs and carried on sleeping with another woman leaving us stranded in terrible weather. My mother then came to live with my grandparents, raising me in poverty but we had a roof over our heads. Later on as a toddler my mother would go through man after man. As a confused toddler I began calling each one dad, this caused confusion in me. As a toddler then I began experiencing fits of terrible rage.

These fits of rage were so extreme that I was considered rare, in the children psychological clinic. The rage never stopped, I only learnt how to hide it.

Now at age four or three we moved from House to House, my mother had various partners. One stayed with my mom his name was lee, he looked after us for about a year. He then impregnated my mother with my first half sibling afterwards I had two half brothers and sisters. I saw them call him dad and for obvious reasons I did the same thing.

Now Lee began taking drugs and steroids and began abusing my mother displaying terrible anger due to withdrawal symptoms. He would abuse me and the kids only mentally and emotionally however he let me know he loved them more than me. So I was the black sheep in this dysfunctional family and had to watch them play with their real dad in the corner.

Now about the age of 5 or 6 I was in town my mother was talking to a random man, he looks down at me and says
‘ Do you know who i am ? ‘. I replied ‘ No ‘.

He laughed and said he was my father, he explained he wanted to visit me, I felt bad for him and wanted to give him a chance, so I accepted. He would collect me from my mothers house and would be very controlling of what I could say or do.
When he took me to stay in his for the weekend, he should tell me to go upstairs and I would only spend at least an hour with him throughout the two days of me being in the house.

Afterwards me and my mom and siblings moved to several houses, then several schools, the domestic abuse my mother was under became to much. We were all placed in a homeless refuge for homeless and endangered families. At this age I was 7 and I had the mentality of a 17 year old, I was very mature. As I never had the childhood that my siblings had from their other family. Now in this refuge place we struggled for months, when we got a place my mother met another man.

She had a child with this man, this little sister was my world. We all moved from South Wales to England. The reason we moved was because I was such a fucked up child I was getting bullied and I would allow my bullies to hit me because I was afraid I would get angry and hurt them.

The bullying became so intense I tried to take my life multiple occasions as a child, I was in and out of counselling and psychiatrist offices.

When we got to England we stayed with my aunty until we found a house. My mother’s new boyfriend was an alcoholic and was a terrible man, so he left us alone. Now my mother started to turn really bad. She began doing cocaine, weed, pills, heavy drink, speed etc. I had to wake up the kids, I walked them to school, I gave them breakfast, I fought their bullies, I cooked them dinner.

My mother would go out clubbing I’d babysit my young half brother and sister and basically raised my half baby sister by myself. This led to no life or fun or childhood and I took the burden on my shoulders. I became friends with a boy called Ben, he was my greatest best friend we were closer than brothers.

I went through struggle and when I entered high school in England I was approached by a boy. To ensure the bullying wouldn’t start again, I beat him so severe I crushed his windpipe, broke his nose and knocked him out, he was rushed to the hospital.

Later on I began sticking up for myself, but the rage in me and fear of being weak all over again made me keep fighting. However I became addicted to violence and would fight every single day, I was scared however because I still didn’t loose one fight up in England.

Afterwards I would fight, then I’d come home look after the kids, watch my mother take drugs and sleep with various men who supplied her the drugs. Social services heard about all of this and took the kids I went on the run for a week. Hiding from them, I started drinking, smoking cigarettes and smoking weed.

I was forced to leave England and was forced to live with my father a man who I despised. When I came to live with him he began abusing me and beating me like a dog in all ways you could possibly imagine. He broke me physically, mentally and emotionally. I tried once again to take my life from fear I couldn’t leave. One day he hit me and I blacked out and attacked him. I ran away to my school bare in mind I just lost my grandfather who was the closest thing I had to a father.

Then I came to school my counsellor, rushed me into his office and I explained the death of my grandfather and my fathers abuse which lasted years with me. He had to notify the school, social services and the police, then I heard my cousin and my best friend who was like a brother died. However my cousin died of a brain injury while my best friend commuted suicide he had no one once I left, so I took his death as another burden.

I started heavy drugs, cocaine, speed, weed, pills and heavy alcohol I used the same coping method my mother used. It became an addiction which I had to get over myself. I then moved in with my grandparents, lived there for a while, met a girl was with her for five years. While I was with her I started contacting my mother again, I found out she had been locked in a house for months and beaten and tied up, drugged and raped repeatedly. I began self harming after that as my mental health kept giving me visions of my mothers suffering as if I was seeing it from her own eyes in my dreams.

Lost almost all my friends I had a beautiful daughter born on Christmas Day, then my half brother and sister out of spite and from their drugged out thoughts tried to ruin my life.

They made false accusations that I raped them, I was placed in a cell my mind racing wondering how could the children I raised loved and protected from all I witnessed do this to me.

I went through a lot more than them, even when problems occurred I kept them hidden from it and they never knew about it. I then went through bail for months unable to see my daughter and unable to function normally. I had rage, stress, depression, overthinking, insomnia, not eating, compulsive drinking, bad nerves etc. I was a wreck and the relationship between me and the mother of my child became terrible during the time I needed her support is the time we became angry and hateful and spiteful and distant towards each other we separated as great friends though.

Next we broke up here I am now moved back in with my grandparents got nothing except my manic stress, my terrible painful rage which never stops, manic depression, overthinking, bad nerves, anxiety, sleep and eating disorder etc.

I see my daughter every now and then and I still wear that fake smile and tell people I’m fine. Now I have nothing left but myself and I don’t give a fuck.

This is only half of what i’ve been through as I won’t bore you with all the details, see hell is on earth too. Don’t feel sorry for me because I don’t, never feel sorry for yourself do what I did. Get in your fucking circle quit complaining and push that power into the world and make the changes you want. Just like I did, like I had to do … this was my hell, that’s not including the actual torture I was put through in the abyss.

Look in that fucking mirror and see YOU ARE A GOD … Fuck hope Fuck belief if you don’t change your life no one else will. We have this knowledge and power so use it, don’t escape your hell, when your in hell don’t fight your demons. Simply embrace them and don’t escape he’ll build your fucking empire in that plane and rise as a the greatest you.

Sincerely

Conner Kendall.

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Respect for sharing this and that you keep on going. I only wanted to say that I am troubled how some people seem to get the easy life part and other peoples life is hell on earth. And for them the shit it keeps on adding up.

Take care Andre

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Thank you for sharing this. It really helped me now, when I need it most. You have overcome much, and I admire how you have dealt with all. Great courage. Thank you.

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I don’t “feel sorry for you” but this is a heartbreaking read and I only hope you find safety, security of some kind even if it means building an empire, and people who can love and support you and put you first for once, or at least high up in their own list of priorities. Eh have a hamster smiley anyway. :hamster:

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Respect to you and for your comitment to your path despite all the hardships you’ve been through.
My metaphorical hat goes off to you. Your story is equally as inspiring as it as to an extent heartbreaking to read about. In a way a person can’t ascend especially in the way you are apparently doing without hardships, although I think you will have a few (hopefully) good things coming to you soon enough.

All the power to you

Nicklas

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Thanks all means a lot … No pain No gain huh.
The best catalyst for evolution is a hostile situation.

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Thanks for sharing. All the best going fwd.

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Thank you for sharing. You sound extremely aware and evolved for having dealt with so much that would break most people. Much respect. If you keep working inwardly the way you have been, you will be able to fix your environment the way you’d like. I worked closely with many people who came from the background you described. One of the most difficult things for everyone to do was cut off toxic family. Family is supposed to sacred, but sometimes it is not. It is heart wrenching but sometimes those ties must be severed. I look at drugs like a gateway for very nasty possession, and I swear whatever that entity is that works through drugs and addiction, feeds on deep subconscious pain. The root of anger is always pain, or a sense of wrong doing. With all our trauma… because we all have childhood trauma, some just much worse than others, we have to heal that root pain and heal our twisted core beliefs about ourselves and our reality that we adopted as children from that pain. It seems to never end.

Best wishes <3

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Some part in me broke again after reading this despite the fact that i had known about most of it before :heart:

How could I feel sorry for you when all I feel is pride that you’re making your kingdom on earth slowly and surely

I’m so proud of the individual that I’ve come to be very close with and i’m amazed at how much you push yourself to do better.

Just keep being you, it definitely got you this far and it’s bringing some awesome things I’ve seen on the horizon

Love,
Aluriel

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Israel Regardie recommends that magic should be practice in conjunction with therapeutic counselling. After what you have been through, do you think some form of psychotherapy would be beneficial so that you can start to build a stable and balanced base for your empire? NHS is free bro.

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Thanks brothers means a lot :love_you_gesture:t2:.

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I went through counselling but walking the path of the masters I came to understand the greatest teacher is myself so I counsellled myself.

I’m doing fine and I am building the empire brick by brick.

However; I would recommend a reading of Nietzsche in the meantime to put what you’ve experienced into context. "“From life’s school of war: what does not kill me makes me stronger” Twilight of the Idols.

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That’s true, up to a point. Therapy acts as a reflection through which you can see yourself and know yourself more clearly. The therapist is merely a mirror. But the thing is, you can see parts of yourself in a mirror that you would be unable to without one.

Thank you for this.

U are very Powerful in Ur Pain. Prestigious even & still Evolving. I tip my Hat & my Heart. U continue 2Grow while Grieving~ U are absolutely a Legend & U dont seem like Ur even 30 yet!
Always remember 2whom much is given much is required & U dear Young Sage have been given much & trusted 2handle it & thus far have Proven tht U ARE~ Keep “Ghost/Spirit Writing” U are Saving Lives~ continue {Mastering the art of Communication}
Protection, Peace, Prosperity, Health & Solar Abundance ♾
XOXO
I Luv U 4this, took alotta gotdamn guts☆ damn it took strength 2share ♤

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Honestly I had to see this. Especially the last part. You’re strong and reading this give me even more motivation to grow despite anything.

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You have inspired me :slight_smile:

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Thanks all blessing to you all.

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Sir, what is most remarkable is that even after going through hell like this, you turned out to be a fine man ( probably the 2nd most respected, admired here in this forum ) and was humane enough to look after your siblings even though they turned out to be not worth it. RESPECT.

Also I have witnessed that almost EVERYONE who attained enlightenment or great spiritual heights have incredibly hellish childhood. Starting from J. Krishnamurti to many others I can name. The pattern seems to be consistent. In the text ‘Shiva rahasya purana ( the history of Shiva’s secret )/ Ribhu Gita’ it was clearly stated that those who will attain liberation in the dark age will have to go through unbelievable suffering at the initial stage of his/her life. So may be the bright side of it is that you are going to be a demigod at the end of it.

I know how shit can get real in life, not once or twice but the whole fucking entire life. In my case vipassana ( purifying body mind and breaking mental patterns ) has helped a lot but still I don’t remember almost any of my life, excepting few images just to have an identity. I know its self defense mechanism of the mind to shut off unpleasant past.

Brother, know that you are not alone in situations like this. Respect and reverence from this younger brother of yours. :blush:

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