Dead breath eats up iron flesh
----5/2/18 (pertaining to these following entries some of the errors have been intentionally left in to express the effects of brain chemistry).
Todays another dark day to never remember. The 3rdth of may & theres nothin but a bunch of fukn stupid ass cop shows on television that portend doom. it looks like the human race is fucked but as I’ve been secluded in the most secluded section of seclusion sleeping all day long in the back of the library waiting for the days to end. I see little people that pass by me by and speek to me & they ask me how I’m doing? I say everything’s okay, see you later. I don’t contact my enemies until I need money and then I give a hand job to an old man for 50 bucks and I wipe off my hand on the a support beam and i go along my marry way.
the days are like blood and mayhem and i feel like some ones throwing scissors at my face but they just bairly miss & go wizzing by. Im just barely little me bumpen a long somewhat complacent. laying in wait for death so I can finally get away from this disaster.
I’ve been living on a coffee mug filled with elbow macaroni everyday for sustanance. and lying around waiting for the Sun to come up in the morning. I’m laying alone reading this book by chomsky and wavering a bit trying not to eat my own skin which is crawling off my bones & i can see my bones thru my flesh. I have these terrible sensations all over my body which is inflicted by sickness & diarrhea and vomiting. all this sickness for nothing all this sickness for nothing. after I clean my puke out of the bath tub i spend time scrubbing diarrhea from the toilet. and it smells awful but even though it was really horrible, I still had pretty good time.
—5/3/18
My birthplace was a veritable cornucopia filled with shit. but what a wet dream this night has been.
I feel poisoned.
I went out and I got a job painting a house and I was broken & stoned as i painted the walls red and i was talking to people all day long who gave me the impression that they have been hit in the head with a fucking pipe wrench they were so fucking stupid. I’m desperate & thinking that my money is getting low and blood and vomit are on the walls.
—5/4/18
Lately its just been a long bout with drinking thru the pain of the weeks that ago by aimlessly. The whole world is dark and it is always closing in on me perpetually. I felt closterphobic and trapped and full of fakery and then I force myself I really forced myself to take these drugs and then i eat these horrible taisting petroleum like substances which taiste like battery acid & strychnine all because I needed to poke a hole in the darkness so that I could breath. I slept on the floor in a dirty and gross environment there were cock roaches & mice all over the place which would crawl on u while u were sleeping, & this was the consequences of neglect. wine bottles were stroon over the rug and jugs and beer cans were all over the fucking place and food was on the floor and the ceiling was cracked open & leaking into buckets that were filled with mold. the house smellt like piss and mold and decay. like saturated ugliness in darkness. Lonely molding fairly brainless. I was shifting and changing thru metaphases. And everywhere i looked was ugly depression and i was running out of food so bad. There was a sensation that my nerve endings were burnt. something was in me and there’s a pressure in the brain as well as feelings of great pleasure which are interspersed with this horrible diarrhea and it smells like dog shit everywhere for some reason. Phantom dog shit smells. It doesn’t smell like humans shit at all. It smells like a white trash back yard thats filled with dog turds. Have i been secretly shitting dog turds? Maybe i was high and drunk & confused & i saw a dog who was eating his poo and suddenly i was very envious of the dog…so then I pushed the dog out of the way & gobbled it up myself. maybe it was Delicious. No that’s retarded. Nevermind. some conflict has taken over me I guess. I was like crazy earlier but now i think im okay again. I was all blocked up and suffering and not sure what I should do next. the taste of drugs was like petrofuel & it was unbearable and I threw up immediately and I couldn’t keep the stuff down at all, it was terrible. I had to force myself to ingest it. the night was beginning to look like a lost cause. I sat and I sat and I just laid there dying and waiting knowing I had been defeated by several different enemy’s. then I said fuck this depression billshit its so stupid to live like this but just in case ur wondering I’ll tell u now what is written hear is what the losers are thinking. I vometed off in fearful & timid & cowardly fits. This is not fair to act like this but i take comfort In these deliriums these ideolerieums. The more the sickness, and the more the diarrhea days lost in wondering through this endless head maze of chaotic wildernesses breaking off peaces of my soul like shards of glass and smashing them up against the walls And the toilet tissue is a ticker tape parade filled with sewage and joy. Until i swell up and my teeth turn into piano keeys that shatter. My mind is aching & clinching my brain like its a fist.
nothing special happening about and around hear lately. All i have been doing for the past 3 weeks is chewing on prescription meds and they probably damaged me forever tremendously.
I got a huge bottle of some weird kind of terminal patient pain killer with some powerful ass liquid stuff as well which literally knocked me around in the strangest type of dopamine come down way on a never ending horrifying nightmare of a psychological hangovers a crash landing down, down I fell in slow motion and the walls were all covered with cupboards and bookshelves as i landed in this bad hangover which had been facilitated by some type of Upper and Downer dope combination and I’m extremely ill and intensely miserable not only with pitiful self-loathing and disappointment but also with physical congestion and mental strain thats born of exhaustion after mowing grass in this blisteringly boring oklahoma wether.
As I sit here and drink wine and as I sip it in through my inebriated nerd mouth after a day of constantly dealing with the derisive ridicule of condescending strangers…who think I’m stupid because ironically they’re too dumb to understand what the fuck I’m saying with my blood shot hangover eyes learing at them contemptously…and my moral decomposition erodes plumiting like a measurment graph that goes crashing down thru the floor…as the mistakes I’m making keep mounting causing the support beams to sag and the windows to shatter while the building collapses. I decide let’s stave off the suicide bit for one more day because This is not my darkest hour even though believe it or not I actually know what I’m doing as I pace around the room while I’m writing this on my phone. Im just preparing to slide myself down into the incendiary duct in the basement furnace… so what’s going to happen to us now? Very bad things.
1 Like
I can’t decide if you’re the Hunter Thompson or Charles Bukowski of BALG journalists. A good alternative title would be “The View From the Rafters”. I’m enjoying it, though!
2 Likes
As unbelievable as this next story might seem to u, I can promise you that it’s 100% true and I actually experienced this. I just revised this because i think the information is important. I can’t let it go. Its important. I actually saw these fairies. I took three very powerful drugs in a certain combination to experience this. I saw this stuff right in front of my eyes and it was 100% real or at the very least these were some extremely vivid hallucinations but for now you have my word that this is 100% true and nothing has been embellished whatsoever. I spent an entire night with these fairies. Afterwards I suffered greatly for a long time for this because what i actually did apparently was open up a portal to another dimension and consequently so many astral parasites came flooding through, but that’s actually a whole other story. For all I know the whole thing was a trick which was being played on me. Maybe the whole thing was just a hustle perpetrated by astral parasites so that they could get themselves into my world and feed upon me but I don’t know. How can I ever know? For now I’m just going to repost a revised verson of this small story which is something like the night of the living fairies.
LUCIFERS
CLITORIS 
I decided to try a new drug called Lucifer’s Clitoris. What a fucking literal nightmare this turned out to be. The first ever powerful dose I took locked up my ability to piss for some odd reason, and so I kept going into the bathroom unsuccessfully trying to urinate. I was just standing there staring down at my useless ding dong that wouldn’t piss like an idiot. Then this little fairy fly’s out of a nothing hole & it starts buzzing around my head like a disney cartoon. She even sprinkled fairy dust on me like tinkerbell. The bitch was in my thoughts, i guess.
Then I looked down into the bath tub, and there were all these little fairies who were repelling & scaling down vertically climbing & descending into the inside of the bathtub walls like little mountain climbers. They were mining it with little pickxy axes. There were clouds of energy in the bathtub and they were collecting it. They were dressed up in orange mountain climbing gear, and they all had on little back packs. I sat down on the toilet.
There was a small wall in front of me. I looked down by the floor and there were more fairy’s coming out through a portal which resembled a slit in the air. Like an invisable curtain. It was just a hole which they came through.
There were just a few fairies who were coming out of the hole. One was an older man and his wife. The other was an old man and a little boy who looked like his kid. They walked over to my leg & started trying to mine into my legs with there pick axes. It itched and felt creepy when they did this. I shewed them away. “Don’t fucking do that”!! I shouted, & then they stopped. I placed my hand on the floor palm side up. The old man walked into the palm of my hand. I gently lifted him up off the floor and came into the living room. I didn’t know what else to do with him. There was a tall filing cabinet sitting against the wall in the kitchen. So I placed this little fairy man on top of the filing cabinet, so he would be more up at eye level. He must have been about seven and a half inches tall. He was the tallest fairy. He opened up a slit in the air, and disappeared into it. I was so fucking confused. This is something they did a lot. They opened up these slits in the air with there hands and then they passed through the slit and vanished into them. They seemed to be able to do it whenever they wanted. They could also make themselves invisible as well with another trick that they would do. Which was something that had to do with sinking into the patterns of the room behind them. Parts of their bodies would unite with the walls & ceilings & floors. Their tiny little body parts would pan out and scatter all across the room, and then they would be gone. There’s nothing in our dimension which does anything like this that I am aware of. It was like some kind of michio kaku string theory hyperspace type shit. Suddenly a little 4-inch tall fairy would be all over the room and then it would pan out, sink into the background & vanish. Part of its face would be in a corner up in the celing and then its legs would be over on the opisate side of the room murging with the bookshelf and its torso would turn into a door nob. Then the fairy would just sink into these objects & disappear into the environment. Sneeky, bizzar creatures.
The fairy night wore on. I was sitting on the toilet still unable to pee watching the fairies working to mine up the energy’s or whatever they were actually doing.
There was an old cupple who was mining the outside of the bath tub. At the end of the trip I could see the old man who had a large pick axe working exhaustively. His wife was yelling at him to come back through the portle because it was time to go. They didn’t speak english. I could faintly hear there words though not very intelligibly. There body language made it look like they were arguing about leaving. The old man didn’t want to leave and his wife was a hysterical. The women finally left, and all the pixie’s were gone accept for this little old man. The portal closed and yet the old man stood there frozen in place like a video on pause…
I went to sleep. While I slept I was very paranoid that something was trying to kill me. Plus the effects of this particular drug makes you feel extremely uncomfortable once u get a full dose of the it…and it dosent get u high but it opens up compleate astral vision. So there’s no sense of euphoria at all, you just feel extremely profoundly strange and uncomfortable and you’re surrounded with powerful hallucinations everywhere that u have no control over. It dose a thousand other awful things as well. I do not recommend this drug, but just in case u ever wanna really fuck yourself up, this is a very interesting way of doing it. It sucks, but it also allows u to see into other dimensions. I was on very high doses which i had also mixed in with some other very hallucinogenic chemicals. For those of u who have prostates, it swells up the prostate gland enormously until it finally pinches shut your urethra. I should have used a catheter, but I dident have one. This effect is especially bad when u mix it with certain other stuff, it makes it ten times worse. Its miserable, you can’t pee but at the same time you feel like you haven’t had water in like 2 and a half days. You can’t stop drinking water even though you can’t pee. You are so profoundly thirsty and your bladder is about to explode, all u want is water. All your bodily moisture evaporates. Ur throat feels like your grandmothers dry cunt with sand & little hermit crabs living in it. A tumble weed bounces by.
The next day I got up to pee and the fairy dude was still there on pause just like he was the night before. He hadent moved at all. Maybe it was a trick. Like maybe they were setting me up. These, “fairy people”.
I was sober now but I could still see him clearly. Again, this was the next day, and I could see this little old fairy man still standing there frozen on the floor beside the bathtub. Alarming. He was just a little 4 inch man. I tried to pick him up but my fingers passed right thru him. I was only trying to help but when my fingers passed through him it some how fucked him up & then he automatically crumbled down into dust. It just barely left a 3 dimensional stain. Barely nothen. Like a little bit of black tar. I cut out that little clip of the floor with the fairy tar on it. I took it into the living room. A razor blade was sitting on the shelf. I took the razor blade and scraped the fairy tar off of the piece of floor. When I did this the scum suddenly started spitting out fish scales. Fucking fish scales…They came out with little creepy flicking sounds, flick flick flick flick flick. I put the fish scales into my mouth, & i swallowed them, & the next day i went back to my job in the real world.
1 Like
What did the scales taste like
1 Like
They just tasted like nothing, like real fish scales probably would. Similar probably to little bits of plastic with no flavor. There was no vaginal fish like stench to it either. Besides that, what I did was reckless and stupid. I should have kept them but i thought they would disappear over time. I’ve heard astral materializations could slowly vanish. I think I may have fucked myself royally for what I did…& I still dont know enough about these things. That was a long time ago, and my temperament back then was pretty reckless. Plus I dident know much about the occult.
What the actual fuck is your real deal? Your stories are more informative and illuminatin than literally NY shit I’ve read on here, plus I’m laughing hysterically. Not to mention I relate more to you than anyone on here so far.
Please message me with serious stuff only pls ok ty
1 Like
BANAL
DEATH OF
VAIN FIXATIONS
(This is a
revision
of an oldye
entry from
earlier this year)
Last night it was raining
and I felt that I should take
more drugs so I went to the store
for more supplies but they were already closing. A huge man in his forties
pointed to the closing sign. He looked like lurch and his finger was like a tree limb. i went back home and fell asleep till morning at which time I woke up & felt like tripping. it was very early in the morning. I just had this weird feeling as I walked in the rain. I preped some herbs for ayahauska but my imaginary friend told me to take some dethtrapmopfloor instead. So I got some of it out & I waited for it to stop raining before I went back out side to get some more supplys, since it was morning & the stores were back open.
It never really stopped raining all day. So I went ahead and had a nice rain walk alone down the street past a party of people on the porch of an RV.
Now all I can remember is a young empty social girl cantoring in euphoric bravado sounding to me to be evil & very happy with the others so safe and euphoric together on their little stupid commune porch. sounding giddy & glad to be in the group with the other people. She sounded safe and at home with the others. I felt contempt mixed with jealousy. Hollow in what would be for me suicidal pretensions as everybody is saying what’s wrong with the guy in the corner whose tearing off of his face and feeding it to the dog…or that nut whos walking alone in the rain without an umbrella, well now thank you all, I’ve had a very wonderful evening.
& now after years of drinking drugs and abusing prescription meds i find myself unfocusing my mind somehow in these dark dissociations…im vegging out into hypnotic stupers of unconsciousness. I come back to myself, & my mind rambles unwittingly. I’ve stepped out into the void. The void says something to me. No, the void says nothing to me & the void says nothing to me incessantly.
I don’t
wanna
write now because Im feeling depleted & lazy and stupid but I know I’ll regret it later if I don’t. so I guess I will. it’s been so long since I’ve done this…it seems awkward to me now.
So it’s always this way i guess. Since it’s been over a year probably now since my father died and I broke off with my x-hole i think, I’m thinking, and i am about half dead looking thru my old notebooks now and in my old mind & my old personal desire sketches out such things as the taste of breasts and how lifes also very bland & boring.
Because I’m a fading shadow falling far away from such things as proverbial clichéd colloquial apples
falling from trees of death. No, wait no, that’s anti-comparative, I mean shit! it’s against the original meaning of
whatever I ment to be referencing to originally
which doesn’t
matter because in this new phase I get the feeling like
I want to start all over feeling
again as if I can just keep from clicheing myself to death
with the typical trainwreck
of male sexual fantasies I will be okay.
I don’t need some dark
parasite masquerading
as something valid
like preachers
& scribes.
these delineators
of mind schematics.
What is this?
I can’t use humiliation,
or self aggrandizement
Or a
low self-esteem
It seems like you continuously try to reorganize the habituality of the mind through these excercises of traumatic induction to
decommission fear
the cremation of care
Decomissioning inhibition through exercises
which one uses
attempting to shock ones self
and provide freedom
from the
shackles of normalcy
and restrictve standards
in order to connect
in inspiration & eliminate
the programming of
self love and/or loathing death mechanisems or just simply to remove
other blockages.
I am Dead
come
and
be dead
with me I am Dead I am
dead I am Dead
to the world I am
a corps
Who can sit
and drink coffee with u
or
you can bury me
in the yard
and grow pretty flowers
on top of me or
use me to
occupy daycare children
by letting
them
play
with my corpse
in
The yard
They can pretend
that we’re eating cake and ice cream
Together
Or having a tea
Party
you
can stuff me
and pose me & put me
in the
living room
So I can stare off into
space
in a woolen
fuzzy daze
& feel this is a good
way To be
So that
I don’t
feel
The grim
reaper
constantly
gnawing
away
at my
groin
INPROMPTU
LOVE MALODY
A few years ago I reluctantly did this love spell on this girl and um I had these conflicting feelings about it because i was trying to stay away from her for a bunch of reasons. Most of which had to do with the fact that like most of my ex girlfriends she was already with somebody and I didn’t really want to get involved in a situation like that again. But she kept on attempting to approach me even though i would try my best to be short with her and walk away, which for a dude at a certain point gets really difficult to keep doing especially when the girl is hot, & all this was driving me slightly bonkers even tho I knew that I should stay away from her. So in my ambivalent state of heart vs. head i did this random impromptu love spell on the two of us & the results were pretty fucking chaotic. I don’t really even remember what the spell was. Its not important. I totally forgot about it afterwards & tucked it away into my unconscious. The thing to remember about this is that, even though it was a love spell, I wasn’t trying to reach out or hook up with this girl. A lot of the feelings which i put into the spell were actually of aversion.
I was really just trying to vent my frustrations with the ongoing situation and get my weird feelings out somewhere. I didn’t think anything more about it. She suddenly vanished from my neighborhood, & good riddance. Then sometime later on another day, I took a dose of these diet pills which were really a very awsome pharmaceutical amphetamine that I got from a good friend of mine. The pills got me into this hyper tooth grinding energetic frenzy were suddenly i found myself cleaning out an old storage room which i had neglected for many centuries.
I went into this room which was dark & reached for a plug lying on the floor in order to turn on the light. What i didnt see as i reached down was this shard of glass which was protruding up out of the carpet, & it sliced deeply into the palm of my hand. Blood rolled down my arm & onto the floor. I needed to go to the hospital but I didn’t have any insurance. My heart was pounding on these pills. I went into the kitchen. My blood spiraled down the drain. Then i wrapped my hand in a shirt & sat down on the couch in the living room to collect my thoughts for a moment. I shut my eyes. There was a scratching sound on the door. I looked over confused & wondered what the fuck it was. I thought maybe it was a dog. I looked out the window. It wasn’t a dog. It was the girl. I went outside, & she walked up to me. She appeared to be having a psychotic episode. She was picking up invisible things off the ground and putting them into her pockets. This is not fiction. She came up to me & asked if I’d seen an eight foot tall man in her backyard. I swair to god, she asked me that question. Maybe she was looking for sasquatch. Meanwhile she kept picking up these invisible things off the ground and continued putting them into her pockets. I wondered what they were. Wouldn’t u? I asked her if she was alright? She looked offended by the question. Things were running smoothly. My hand was wrapped & stained with blood which was highly obvious & perhaps even startling to any observer, however the girl didn’t even notice this because she was too distracted by these hallucinations of picking up whatever these little invisible things were off the ground & putting them into her pockets. Then she shook my uninjured hand and walked off. I watched her walking away wondering if she might get raped.
After this I couldn’t use my hand for an ENTIRE MONTH. The injury was that bad. And the appeance of the girl seemed to decay. I mean that she seemed to slowly physically fall apart. She was still attractive but something about her was missing. Her entire demeanor shifted. Her face looked differant, & she started dressing in a somewhat weird tom boyish more androgynous fashion. It reminded me of what happened to my sister after she went insane. I painted a picture of the girl sometime after the incident which is the image that I have posted just before the begenning of this story. Thankx for everything. I’ll see u next entry.
CIRCUMCISION,
DATING,
& THE DEATH GAP
The reality of the gender situation in western society is so opposite of what is considered normal that to really grasp it suggests a confrontation with reality so extreme as to threaten ones sanity.
Circumcision
is a trauma based slave initiation rite which is far more powerful than even baptisem. Baptisem of course being another slave initiation which was ment to wash away the sin of individuation. Being born again referred to the transplantation of a new collectivististic identity which was subordinate to god-cuntry when the children of heaven were brainwashed in the blood of jesus.
Together these two slave initiation rites throughout histery for have served as an ugly cunning psychopathic bit of inhuman evil genius from the exploitive point of view which seeks to turn humans into a more sophisticated form of farm animal.
Circumcision works thru the violent application of abstract sexual trauma which aids in rendering males subordinate and accepting of oppression later in life.
The use of anesthesia is basically new to circumcision. Meaning that if u are a circumcised american male over the age of 30 it is highly likely that as a baby, you were circumcised without any anesthesia whatsoever. Anesthesia for the circumcision procedure in the American culture was only introduced in the mid-1980s. A torture procedure so violently painful as to cause the infant to go into a state of shock. A state which when experienced in adults creates post traumatic stress disorder. And even though anesthesia has been available for many, many years for some odd reason it still wasn’t implemented until fairly recently.
*This very much encapsulates the attitude towards male suffering in the western civilization.
Circumcision says welcome to the world, hear is your reward for being born with a dick. This is training for what men are made to expect out of life. Its the first week of life & the g-spots of the penis are already being sliced into with a surgical instrument as if you were a person who was being punished for committing a crime in the dark ages. The crime of course is being male.
Why is it a crime to be male?
Because friends, males are far more prone towards the creation of alternative philosophies, questioning established notions, and the realization of new discoverys. Especially those which move the entire society forward. Such tendencies pose a serious threat to power. This is why it has always been more advantageous for those who are in power to damage, oppress, & weaken the males early on before they became competition. Because the man doesn’t naturally possess a submissive or collectivistic nature one had to be contrived for him. This is also the true reason behind why the legal system is so absolutely biased against men.
Underage children, mostly boys are being systematically drugged with anti-subversive medications under the intellectual guise that they are somehow infected with imaginary mental diseases. And almost all these “mental illnesses” seem somehow to be thinly vailed euphemisms for subversive tendencys.
To me it seems as though the drugging of boys has somehow come along in order to compensate for the advent of anesthesia in the modern circumcision procedure.
…Incidentally,
as I am writing this, I can hear the artillery bombs going off at the local military base where I live. The army is shooting some kind of practice artillery that is exploding & shaking the ground which one can both hear & feel underneath them. Im not making this up. Bombs are litterly going off in the distance right now. No one in the city that I live in, including myself really even notices this anymore. This asshole place is called Fort Sill Oklahoma, United States of America.
Fortunately there is no one to fight anymore who can properly defend themselves. Accept for the enemy’s we create ourselves. The defenseless fictional terrorists manufactured by the CIA, most likely.
But at least its lucky that im not living in an era like it was back in the days when a man had to get his fucking arms hacked off with a rusty wood saw in order to be considered even somewhat half way sorta manly. However this is not much of a standard of something to compare oneself with. So no progress is to be considered on this front thus far.
Getting back to the ritual trauma of circumcision & why the male of the species is generally considered with suspicion and targeted as dangerous.
It has absolutely nothing to do with the corporate prison industry of crime and punishment.
It is because of the fact that people like e.a. koetting always tend to be male. The raw spirit of individual nature is a threat to established power. Women never pose a threat to power because women are always conformists, and because the woman is always a conformist she is granted certain powers over the man in order to leverage him into conforming to the culture by way of threttoning his romantic life. This was established because when men conform to women they also conform to the ownership class at the top of the civilization with which the women are always united and can be considered one and the same.
Circumcision
has been preformed on male infant babys for millennias. Approximately 2 to 5 thousand years worth of emasculating sexual trauma. The purposes of the rites of circumcision serve to fracture the unit of infant mind with respect to the sex organs and thereby effect the futer identity in its development as well as to effect the biological heritage & temperament over time that is in men over all.
Extreme pain
gets associated with being male through this practice in order to fuse the association of trauma, loss, submissiveness, & lack of compensation with the male identity, as well as to send the general message to the public that all male suffering is to be considered totally irrelevant. Men are circumcised in order to expect no empathy from fellow humans. These things aid the instillation of the state of self sacrifice in men which is so useful to the labor force. These are just a few of the effects that circumcision is designed to produce and it is also very much related to why men tend to accept discrimination and unfair cercomstances without ever complaining.
The established cliches and standards of the culture match perfectly with these things and are designed to reinforce the oppressive parameters of the disposable male ideology. Its pretty ironic that this trait of submissive non complaining is considered so manly. Because it is anything but manly to accept this type of oppression in silence. Unfortunately, the trauma of circumcision has most definitely by this point in history sunk deeply into the DNA of the human species.
Men have been trauma bred for many many centuries now in this way to induce the association of being male as one who mindlessly accepts horror as if it were his duty to absorb all the missory of life without ever saying a single word until finally he heroically kills over so nobly dead.
It is no wonder that there seems to be such a pervasive morbid tendancy in men towards the fear of emasculation.
I suspect that the inate Freudian fear of castration or castration anxiety, is probably actually more rooted in the repeated effects of the continual traditional practice of infantile circumcision trauma over many, many generations.
A fear of emasculation has been morbidly tapped into and heightened in order to make men easy to control. The mans persistent “instinctual” fear of emasculation and/or castration makes him extremely malleable, & this has been profoundly amplified, exploited, and played upon by the practice of circumcision.
U can see how these fears together with the installation of the self sacrificial mindset are ideal for collectivist organizations such as the military. A good slave is easy to control and willingly works itself to death.
Emasculation is like controlling a horse with a bridal. Stear the horse to the right with flattery, or to the left with emasculation.
Its true.
Slave command phrases like
“be a man”,
and “take it like a man”
Were direct references to the effects of circumcision trauma.
Thats a huge scar on the dick.
Its unbelievable to think that they actually did that just the first week of your birth when the human mind is in its absolutely most vulnerable condition.
I didn’t even know that it was a scar until I was age thirty.
This is purposeful because for exploitave reasons there is a concerted effort to make sure that men are always kept in the dark, misinformed, & propagandized when it comes to gender. The point is that men aren’t ment to find these things out at all or if they do finally fidgure it out then the hope is that it will be far too late for the man to do anything about it or change his direction & hopefully by that time the man will have already given his life away to others.
Circumcision is not meant to distinguish men from animals but to turn us into animals. Or to conflate men with animals. The circumcision scar that is made on the penis is similar to the branding of a cow.
The male is born bred and raised to accept much more than his due of death, missory, & suffering, and as a result our average life expectancys compared to the females have now plummeted a full decade in just the past 60 some odd years. That is a fact.
The death gap
is relative to the overall degeneration of the quality male life.
Men just try to laugh it off.
And even though that is profoundly stupid of them to do, that sort of dumb self defeating attitude, makes perfect sense to me in light of circumcision trauma. Next comes the human centipede.
As glaringly obvious as all this stuff is, men just refuse to look at it.
They make excuses or act like there is nothing they can do or attempt to brush it off. Wanna know what u can do?
Change ur fucking attitude for one thing. Learn to think symbolically, & defend yourselves & learn to bitch.
*BITCHING IS POWER. 
The first step to male rights is the removal of the taboo which has been placed on our ability to complain about discrimination in the first place. Until that taboo has been removed this will remain at a stand still forever. How can a situation change when the oppressed has no freedom of speech?
Stop accepting inferior cercomstances to what u deserve.
Men are getting ass raped with a 3 foot barbed wire horse cock on a regular basis and not saying a single word about it. Why wont they defend themselves? The answer is circumcision, & unjust sexual discrimination.
Sexual discrimination provides leverage for this oppression by playing on the mans fear that women will totally reject them if they dont tow the line, shut up, conform, and swallow the conventional idiom of disempowering submissive masochistic death which is known as normal manliness.
Thou shalt not
be considered weak.
It is not in the interests of the status quo to question the order of manliness. A mans place is not to question but to “be a man”…which implys putting on an act.
A false self sacrifical contrivance for eating shit, and taking bullets. First off it commands him to shut the fuck up and do what he is told.
An american male can now expect to live a full 10 years less than a woman simply because he is male and for no other reason. That doesn’t bother u fucks? The fact that ur relative life expectancys have dropped an entire decade over just two generations with no biological cause whatsoever? Men act like this is some sort of macho bragging right. But dont you realize that this represents the quality of your life? U dont care about the quality of your lives?
Most men live in a collective state of denile about this. Either that or men just naturally think that being a masochistic retard somehow makes them much more manly or something because i honestly dont see the connections hear.
Personally I believe that in my short life, i am only entitled to my own suffering, & to no one elses. Not even that of a woman. I didn’t give my permission to have a whole lot of extra missory and inconvenience scraped over onto my plate just because I’m am male.
Its the year 2019. I should be flying around in a hover car by now instead of worrying about this. What is this? And why is there still no equality in courtship? This should have been changed concurrently with the progress of feminism. It hasn’t changed at all. Come on guys, stand up for yourselves. Dating is so unequal that its hardly even worth experiencing.
The parameters of modern dating inherently
facilitate sexism, and bigotry. In an equal society why should the men be made to be so completely degradingly subordinate to the women? Like, why? Just on a simplistic level? It should be equal. I can understand in the 1950’s when women had a lot of extra expectations on them but now women are never expected to do or be anything for men at all under any circumstances ever, so why should men still be expected to submit to women during courtship? There is no reason for this & its extremely insulting & degrading.—Also i think that this is probably why we end up with foot fetishists, cuckolds, and leather suits with ball gags in them and other weird grose creepy shit like that. This is an obvious point. Feet are grose. I don’t care who they belong to. Their fucking disgusting. Think about it. If a guy is having sex with a beautiful woman and all he can think about is her feet then something is most definitely wrong with him. These are the symptoms of a social disease. These disorders obviously come from being constantly socially degraded and subjugated continuously on a regular basis over and over again in a society where such bigotry is still considered normal. Snap judgment is just racial prejudice in a different form. Its a form of blatant sexist bigotry which is socially acceptable only because the target is male.
The male role in the western culture is a role of mindless submission which degenerates the quality of almost every mans life and virtually every single day without acception. It degrades everything and the death gap is evidence of this.
The patterns are just so deeply ingrained that it gets accepted but this has to change.
The inequality of dating is a huge unnecessary burden on a mans life, & I have a very strong suspicion that the repercussions of the social inequality of the traditional courtship rituals are contributing very substantially to the death gap phenomenon. The situation basically puts men into the position of being the womans dog. Wow, I mean, I cant even get into that kind of headspace and neither can a lot of other men. Nor should they be expected to. Its wrong. No one wants to be put in that position. It needs to change. The woman is elevated to the absurd narcissistic level of somekind of god far up above the man somewhere. This influences the development of pathology on both ends of the spectrum. Women are no better than men and in an equal society they should no longer be elevated as such. Women need to start being expected to come down from the exalted cross & take equal social responsibility on their end of things. They also need to start considering what the man has to go through on his end of the process and develop a basic sense of consideration towards the opposite gender. Neither person should be considered higher than the other. First notice, first approach. Across the bord. The current paradigm of courtship facilitates a dishonest manipulative power struggle between the two genders which tends to pit one side against the other. Of course the woman wants to keep it this way because she has absolute psychosexual totalitarian rule. Feminists have tended to have a selective equality disorder which reeks of a manipulative pathology that has absolutely nothing to do with equality whatsoever. The last thing the majority of feminists want is true equality. Most of these people are seeking not equality but domination. Nothing will ever be enough for them. We need the removal of that which is antiquated. Modern dating is completely outdated. A revolution is very much appropriate. Modern dating unnecessarily demands that while in an equal society the man be totally degradingly subordinate to the women and generally accept a whole lot of extra social bagage as well as a lower social status for absolutely no reason. I submit that control needs to be divided equally between the two genders, and that one side should no longer have to bow down to the other as superior. This concludes today’s writing segment.
1 Like
USING🐒
PSYCHEDELICS
TO RECEIVE
DARSHAN💟
THE GURUS
GLANCE👀 &
AWAKENING
THE 
KUNDALINI
WITH
& WITHOUT
A GURU,
Note: even tho some of this stuff may not be satanic in nature, it concerns the same realitys through a different lens, with information on the kundalini & in that way the information may be adaptable or otherwise useful for general research purposes.
Im actually far less into druqz
as i pretend to be but ya know…its just that i don’t wanna say boring stuff when im on hear. Reading is so fucking boring, & almost nothing is fun to read.
But its like, long ago I heard about this kundalini siddhi yoga master guy named muktananda and I read one of his books which said that the ways the kundalini can be awakened is by LOOK, touch, mantra, or thought. These are “guru” awakenings.
A long time ago in a land far far away,
i would awaken my kundalini on my own before I had what’s sometimes called an “authorized awakening”. Which is a term i adapted from something Ramana
Maharshi said. Authorized awakening just means that the kundalini consciousness is giving the lower self consent as a personal entity to explore the energy which one had been divided from, do to the effects of coming out of the void.
Accordinging to muktananda, if u dont have guru authorization, u irritate the kundalini, but in my case i actually had a lot of fun awakening it without a guru and looking back now, I feel very nostalgic about those times.
How I did this was that typically I’d fast for 1 to 3 days, & do deep breathing meditations. Also if it was possible, i wouldn’t interact with anyone for a couple of days either & keep all human contact very minimal. Oh and also no ejaculating. Because semen retention makes the awakinings 1000x better & easier to achieve. Usually after 1 to 3 days of fasting, and meditations, I’d eat certain psychoactive chemicals, and meditate with pranayama in psychedelic trance until the kundalini would awaken. It would often stay awake for days off & on long after the drug part was over. They say that this is not a wise thing for people to do but I really enjoyed it. It is dangerous but it dident really seem to hurt me any in the long run that i could tell in my case. It was pretty wonderful actually. During these awakenings at times I could read peoples thoughts just by looking at them. My mind was very very quiet. U can usually read people with subjective reason but in a kundalini awakening sometimes one can actually see peoples bodys expressing thoughts through mudras & understand exactly what they are thinking spontaneously without trying. Which is an instinctive type of thought reading completely different from normal deductive reasoning.
One very profound bit of knowlage on this is that the kundalini and psychedelic substances, especially when experianced together will almost assuredly produce the short term acquisition of various powerful siddhis.-but it goes without saying that this practice is extremely dangerous. Especially without a guru.
When I did this stuff my kundalini would continue to awaken spontaneously on its own off and on sometimes like while I was sleeping, or just randomly while driving or doing anything which requires certain types of focus. A joint or a couple of beers & many other drugs would often reawaken it pretty easily again. Weed was not good for this however because of the way that it retards the metabolism in adjacent to how it makes fasting impossible.
Unfortunately back then i had to work alot, & going back to work was always a real drag. It was hard to keep up with this practice because I had a full time job at a restaurant & these things dont integrate very well together at all. However the drugs helped me to override some of these obstacles which would have normally required enormous amounts of asceticism.
I talked about this before but, years later I had a guru awaken my kundalini ritualistically thru an image of a holy man who was the incarnation of a hindu avatar. So for the guru to awaken the kundalini they dont necessarily always have to be there in a physical body…Remembering that the guru as well as the kundalini is actually the self, & awakening comes by the conditions which a person sets with their own conceptual framework of reality. I adapted my guru darshan technique through reading about something a very powerful mystic called neem karoli baba told dr. richard alpert about using LSD to receive god darshan. From this story, I was able gleen enough information to preform a ritual guru evocation because as far as I know, there are certain initiations that only enlightened beings can perform.
I don’t know about the very far left hand path kundalini stuff accept for perhaps when I forcefully awakened mine on my own. If that even counts. I dont know much about that stuff yet. Muktananda seemed to say that u can not awaken it forever with ur ego without eventually experiencing problems. I never met muktananda. The being who awakened my kundalini was Neem Karoli Baba who was the earth plane manifestation of the god Hanuman from the Hindu tradition. In hindu mythology hanuman is the allegorical description of a god force which guides the kundalini back into the godhead.
Through an image of this man which literally came to life my consciousness was guided in these awakenings. These kundalini experiences with neem karoli though no less intense tended to be far less violent than the ones that I had done on my own. The awakenings that i did by myself felt like an atomic bomb going off at the base of my spine and created much more chaotic physical movements & random effects than my experiences with neem karoli which were much more precise, focused, and gentle yet at the same time more profound.
The image experiance was a sort of mind meld type thing that allowed me to be guided through an external focal point through these samadhis and later to believe what was happening thru these manipulations of consciousness. Because neem karoli baba would always continue helping me afterwards. So that I wouldn’t doubt my experiences later on. He never left, & would always stick around after the drugs had worn off just to make sure that I knew this was all real. Plus that’s just how he is, & what he dose. He helps people develop spiritually.
My belief in the fact of the existance of spiritual and metaphysical realitys was deeply confirmed afterwards because of the visceral relationship that I had with this guru apparition in my life. It was for me experiential evidence of a whole other level of reality that most people simply deny. The kundalini part he would awaken very easily. Like flicking a switch, or at other times he passed energys into me that came out of his image or even through smoke. Like this one experience that I had with him when he directed my attention to the incense that was hovering around the room. I noticed these astral energy’s were floating out of it in the form of odd shapes which looked like stars and spinning gears. Gradually the shapes moved closer towards me until they passed into my chest and my kundalini arose.
During these experiences i’d see the image change into many different forms including different people that i know. I even saw him turn into prince sitri before. The image changed into things that were in my brain or stuff that had been going on in my life or things id been doing. Sometimes it would change into people that i had problems with. The communication was often visual. The image changed forms to communicate different things to me. And because this was a saintly being with moral consern, he often liked to change into my enemys. I guess because he was into truly & sincerely loving everyone & perceiving all as the manifestation of one and through that perception merging into unification with everything. This being would tend to encourage me to stop hating people and reconcile as best I could at least in my own heart, & work at loving everyone as best i could. However for me that was fairly impossible. Its very difficult for me to look past peoples egos. One time when I told him how much i hated human beings, his form changed from a sort of bliss flowing nirvana that was very overwhelming and beautiful into a sealed shut suit of armor plated steal from which the bliss of nirvana ceased to flow. When he did things like this I simply let go of whatever feeling & consept I was holding onto and the reality would change back into bliss again as a sort of reflection of my own inner condition. He was very much deeply merged with my consciousness in these experiences. I honestly knew nothing about LHP or RHP or whatever at that time and was simply exploring & experimenting with things I had read about that had enamored me enough to want to experiment with it myself.
Creating this particular darshan experience also depends on the druqz one uses to adjust the proper knobs of brain chemistry to those realitys so one can have these experiences of darshan. This experiance is best with very strong doses of psychedelic drugs and can be an excellent way to experience psychedelics unwastefully. Neem Karoli Baba refered to LSD as “yogi medicine”. The fact is that when u take powerful substances like LSD you are basically given access to divine realitys which entails infinitely more than just some stupid petty fun drug experience. One can actually very easily contact these divine beings while under the influence. It is very easy to do.
Druqz are taboo,
I know, I know…Its just so, so awful, but it is extremely uncommon for people to make great break throughs by constantly troubling themselves about such boundries & taboos or always worrying about what is considered to be socially acceptable, or what other people are thinking. People are fucking stupid. Especially in groups. It sounds trite but a person should follow their own instinct regardless of other peoples opinions. Switching paths or experimenting is very appropriate especially at certain stages. Sometimes RHP might be appropriate. Sometimes LHP might be appropriate. Others have said this before me but its true that no path is infinite, & all paths are just methods to achieve ends.
Neem karoli baba
did something to my perception during these experiences which caused me to begin to see the unified consciousness everywhere. There was a light which came out of him that i now see all the time. So maybe light comes out of divine beings and darkness comes out of devils. I dont know, & I wish I knew more about that dichotomy and the far left.
As the “guru” consciousness took the form of the image that was on my computer screen, so it thereafter took the form of everything which i now percieve all the time. But what this really is supposedly is the self beyond form or location. Even if i dont want this. Even tho that was years ago, and I’m no longer on that path anymore, I still see it. I don’t try to make this happen, I try to make this not happen. This being poked a hole in my perception. I think its really just a gap in the mind which permits a light of the higher self to shine thru everything so that one can perceive it and start merging into it. Hints the initiation. For me it takes the form of this light that i see everywhere.
Im not usually of a loving or selfless temperament but if I love someone this light gets more and more intense. The more pure the love is, the stronger this experiance of light becomes. Especially with people that I really genuinely care about. Neem Karoli Baba is like a being who is made of pure love, & this thing which he imparted to me is somehow connected with love. I guess love is a channel which can connect one with the unification of all things. Since those times I have this sense of literally gripping what I’m looking at with my mind and watching it move. Like the words on this page. I see these things move in accordance with my consciousness. I see light moving into and merging with both people and things around me, & with it everything shifts slightly. I believe that these hallucinations have something to do with the breakdown of the separation thats between the personal mind & external stimuli…or maybe I’m just stark raving bonkers.
I saw all these things in neem karoli baba, & even now i see these things. It was the effect of the image on my computer which was activated thru a medium of psychedelic druqs & ritual supplication.
1 Like
According to Peter Chung, the creator of Aeon Flux…this episode was ment to depict how everyone uses religion for their own selfish purposes.
In this episode Aeon is the negative/evil and Trevor Goodchild is the good/positive but the point is that both characters are basically working for selfish motives where as the demiurge is beyond good & evil.
2 Likes
The Curse of the Angry Tuna Women
This is gonna sound like complete bullshit but I swear to god I’m telling u the god damn truth. Because just now, I was taking some pictures, & I laid back to get a certain angle at the wall and this large energy cloud emerged in the air about the size of two human fists but it was just a cloud filled with orbs of light which came down from up towards the ceiling at me & it passed through my phone, & when it did this, I could see it passing over the camera lens…So it showed up on the screen at the same time. Suddenly, the screen of my phone lit up & was inundated by all these blurry orbs of light which went rushing by the lens. I saw this with my naked eye outside of my phone as well as through the screen. I was absolutely fucking astonished and i shouted “what the fuck”!!? Suddenly…& when i said this the camera thought I had given it the voice command to take a picture. So it clipped this image. And though this is a good clear shot of one of one these light orbs. Unfortunately by the time the camera snapped the photo almost all of the energy cloud had passed from the sight of the lens but it did actually manage to capture one of the orbs on the tail end of this energy cloud as it moved. So this is that image enlarged & cropped. The camera only got one light but it did manage to capture an excellent picture of one of these orbs as it moved.
There were a whole bunch of those👆so much that it had compleatly covered the lens and the space around them also looked distorted or crinkled or something like visible wind or water currents.
As soon as I saw this cloud of energy, I felt this negative wave of electricity which felt like chi rippling through my aura and then I got this incredible fucking headache in my brain. I’m not sure if this is the curse of the angry BALG.com tuna fish women or the jack ass gallant BALG white night asshole marionettes or the terminally jealous pick up artist retard con job fake psychic idiots or perhaps some manifestation of my own energy’s or if I’m just going straight crackers and this is just a coincidental digital artifact, or perhaps maybe im giving into becoming a delusional weirdo. B.A.D.W. Holy god! I’m so over thinking right now!!
That would be funny if BALG was actually just a congregation of highly delusional people who were just only expressing various gradations of psychosis now wouldn’t it?
Romantis Tendancys of Gender Specific Narcissism
…See, I started to write all this for completely differant reasons than what it spontaneously turned into just now, but im just going to go with it and splice all this together with my original intentions and see how this works out.
This is just too complex. U see, I’m a very old man and I can bairly move my fingers to type these letters anymore. Every time I type a new letter its excruciatingly painful & i break my fingers on the keypad…ouch!..oopps, aw, shit! Damn it,…see, there goes another one! Not again! Ouch! A finger just broke off my hand and fell to the floor again and turned into dust. But I just keep on typing these letters because that’s just how much I love you. Ugh, I feel so morphine sick and dead inside.
WHY DID U CURSE ME?
I’m actually a nice person. There are so many people on this earth who are worse than me. I never hurt anybody. My only crime is that i am completely different.
Its easier to think when there are no other prejudices to which one needs to appeal. Petty minded simpletons shaking their stupid black and red death pom poms and I’m supposed to be all mortified by the witholding sex routine move which is really just an under cover ploy for gaining more manipulative power and control over my gender. Malicious cunts.
A long time ago I got all these BALG things in my email box with people talking about me. I didn’t read any of it. What do I care if some 4th string high school cheerleader with syphilis doesn’t get me? If she was my girlfriend I’d beat the shit out of her every single day and I wouldn’t feel sorry about it afterwards either. Because that’s just good discipline.
All I saw was what came up in my email box. Which was so derivative & completely boring and disappointing. I mean to say that it was socially derivative. Thinking inside the box. Listen people, my mentality is blatantly the exact opisate of the pick up artist, or any thing else that u consider. I dont go for all that A typical foney bull shit.
The pickup artist is just a mentality that teaches the man to do what the woman wants and the easiest ways in which to conform himself into the person that she wants him to be while maintaining a false shadow of individualism. So even though on the surface he may look like a guy whos in charge & being himself he’s not, he’s just a puppet/tool whos doing what the woman wants and thats why I call it submissiveness.
I may write anything but, I am not hear to pick up chicks. i don’t really care what women think. I just ignore them because I think that their basic under drive is stupid. A woman is a hole. Theyre like greasy, grose, & shady auto mechanics who just keep trying to hussle u. All they are is one giant avaricious hive. Everything gets dictated by a secret evil mantis. There is no such thing as a woman, the hive is just expressing itself thru different terminals. They honestly think psycopathy is romantic, and this only serves to make the human species stupider and more and more corrupt as time goes by. I am in a state of open rebellion against this trajectory. Because they increasingly duplicate more psycopaths with every generation. Everyone always wonders why women love psycopaths. Its simple. They relate to them. Because thats how they are inside. A woman can’t relate to a basic sense of decency. Psycopathy & narcissism is the only pathology which can match her own profound level of self centeredness. Every single one of them is a narcissist. Its what i call Gender Spacific Narcissism. The fiddle back mentality. Because the narcissistic trates only come into existance with respect to the females attitudes belief’s & behaviours towards the opisate gender. She learns to think this way, & it needs to change. Because most women have every single symptom of narcissistic personality disorder in spades when it comes to how they regard & treat men.
Check this shit out
[This list was adapted from the dsm-iv]
1. grandiosity, superiority
2. Preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
3. The belief that one is special expects to be treated special and only will associate with other special people
4. requires attention, & admiration
5. vanity superficiality
6. Has a sense of entitlement & expectations of favorable treatment or compliance with expectations (from men)
7. interpersonally exploitive and manipulative; takes advantage of others to achieve ends (towards men)
8. lack of empathy, & is unwilling to identify with the feelings of others (towards men)
9. is often envious of others or believes others are envious of them
10. A condescending haughty attitude (towards men)
Ted Bundy almost a hundred women, and groupie’s professing their love for him when he went to the electric chair. He even married one of these women while he was in prison and had a child with her thru illegally bribed conjugal visits which she funded. Because god forbid that Bundy’s psycopathic genes get wasted on a prison mattress. Women simply lack good judgement. As a matter of fact if they like something or someone thats probably a good indication that it fucking sucks. No one should want to emulate what these people want. Men should be collectively rebelling against them. Sometimes when women try to hit on me, i even find myself getting insulted. Because their taste is so disgusting. They favor psycopaths because no mind is so false & adroit as the psyco at maneuvering around the foney oppressive parameters of the social mores & attending the presentation of a false pretentious self is the best skill in the nature of a psycopathic personality.
No matter what the face professes, women time and again have proven themselves to be the enemy’s of men. And they have ongoing successs in this enterprise. Its murder made antiseptic. This is a primary fundamental basic motive to their nature. Manipulativeness. To con & decieve others. What makes everything worse is that society holds them to absolutely no standards. U can’t even criticize them. So they just keep getting worse. They constantly work at adjusting society to disregard the male in favor of the female, so that they can gain from the mans eternal loss’s. And they don’t have any sense of conscience about this. They constantly hypocritically attack us. They spread hateful dishonest anti male propaganda anywhere they can and are forever on the look out for another opportunity to do so with cold intelligence. Rather its television, fakebook, the radio, or the shit u over hear when ur standing in line at the grocery store. Women have an unending propaganda war on the male gender. And we are expected to take it in silence. Its mind boggling the complete lack of empathy or concern that women have for the men.
Thats why I went shopping the other day for something at the store. And its a strange coincidence because the dude at the counter was extremely gay, and he was hitting on me all the way and prancing around the gun racks and corressing and licking the rifle barrels like metallic phalluses while biting his nails & breathing heavily. Gay dudes are so hilarious, and I love them more than anything. They hit u with a kind of wonderful burst of humorous positive energy that u never want to get too close to, just in case it might cost u an extra visit to the dry cleaners.
I wished I was gay. That would be the life. Gay men have it fuckin made! It is a hell of a world of discrimination against them but they dont have to deal with women and thats why they call them gay. Because being gay is the get out of jail free card.
I just looked at the guns and then I saw her, my very last girlfriend & she was beautiful as an open letter. “This is the one, I want”, I said. “This is the one, I want”! I said, secondly. I bought the gun, & the gay dude was so enthused that he almost splooged. I would have been enthused too, if I were a gay dude. I envyd him. I envyd all gay men. And then I went home and shot myself.
Talisman for Avoiding the Rat Race
Dysphonic in Self Made Ruins
“The more insane the society looks to u, the more insane u look to society”.
Professor emeritus: Nathaniel Von Buttsupper
The other day while in Oklahoma City I was pissing blood, or it wasn’t blood exactly but a rather bloody like substance from some new kind of pill which would turn my piss into a synthetic red scary bloody pussy period color. I got the pills from a friend of mine who is dieing from cancer. It sucks when people die, but let me tell you, ain’t nobody got the hook up on drugs, like these soon to be dead folks. Luckily over the past several years, i have been gifted with a number of dieing friends.
It was very strange looking at my bloody urine. The pills were bad. I was walking around in the hospital up in OKC and while i waited there were so many lonely elderly people sitting amongst the potted plants.
The loneliness
The potted plant loneliness
The stock emptiness
I was shaking hands with translucent skeletal people down in the cancer ward, & feeling phobic about touching them.
I contemplated fucking dudes for money. I admire man whores. Its sick, but its probabaly more interesting than having a real job.
Recently I took, or stole…maybe would be a more accurate term, some money from the till at work because the people act mad about having to pay me at all and constantly short change me so I wind up having to steel from them to make it even.
Its circa 3am & im high on this amazing liquid codeine in hart pounding euphoria. I’m like bored with insomnia at my bosses house out in the country sticks, drawing goofy cartoon breasts in bras, on a notepad, & grinding my teeth to powder.
There is a small twilight coming from the windows giving me just enough vision to wander around aimlessly. I lazily sit down on the couch rejoining my body with the sofa like a reverse siamese twin operation & flip on the television.
There is a show about a woman & how supposedly beautiful and amazing she is with her enormous rock hard fake plastic tits & intermittent psudo moral animal philanthropy asides to the camera. Her plastic surgery face is terrifying to look at. She has on a mid drift revealing shirt & just above her ass crack is a barcode tramp stamp. Just a plastic woman with rock hard fake breasts that won’t even move to the point where she doesn’t even need a bra anymore because nothing jiggles. Stationary breasts. Not sexy. To deface of the human body this way is offensive. Women spend zillions on painful surgerys which make their boobs stop bouncing. Whats the point? What the fuck is wrong with them? Stop fucking up ur tits!
What is the point of tits that dont bounce? What is the point of tits that don’t bounce? What is the use of living in a world where the tits have stopped giggling? THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!!! I stood in the sewer. I did all I could, but nay, it was still a sewer. Ill see you assholes in my next entry.
Spiritual Indigestion
My rancor breathing gives me iron breath
I have spiritual indigestion
& the hell is excruciating…
the pain, the pain is excruciating & everything looks like its melting plastic.
Entropy,
in my journal doom room.
Death pod. What I feel is an entropy of journal entry. This is summer. This is death summer. With no air to breath. I bow down and worship the furniture. I believe in worshipping furniture at low, low prices. Brought to u by propaganda death insertions. The entropy is engulfing me completely, & I can’t stop this suffering. I float on my back in the mire and watch the nightmare go by. The consepts form into bricks like turds that stack and then one by one they slide down & out of my collen track. Turds that u kick and pass around the bon fire. Then they can be digitized and moved back and forth or up and down like lego blocks. Rue for the marsh in my ideolirium. In this journal room womb enclosure. What a good and awful stupid life I have. Their is still disatisfaction. Something is missing, and the philosophers say that this missing gap is inharent in the patterns, but I’m still studying the phenomenon and have not figured it out yet. Maybe I’m in denial about the nightmare because I’m spoiled & soft. I moved back & forth on the technicolor dial. The room turns inward and there are branches with leaves on them growing into the room. Me thinks its a trap. The walls are closing in. Death keeps getting closer and closer to my face. But this hole in my brain feels dirty & nice & safe to dig up. Thoughts are safe, & i feel this hole in my head is working itself out but there’s still a hole in my head. So I just try & hold on to everything that I am & when I feel down, I give myself a little time to release the pressures & the loss & im holding on, just so I can, & the hole in my head is just buried in the dust.
Something About Death
All I know is that I can’t wait for death sometimes I feel it’s pudding benieth me
that is pudding, chocolate pudding
At my ankles
Ahh…sloshing around in the pudding marsh,
& the trees bend down
to shake my hand
there all so friendly
there are lots of clouds overhead
with sharp & jagged edges webbed
where the prairie drops down
and fills the landscape
there is a tree wearing pants,
& the pants are around its ankles
& a guy is kneeling before the tree sucking off a big dick of bark
The tree is shaking
its
orgasim leaves down
slowly
nicely falling in
afternoon hypnotism
Or perhaps it is evening
under restful waking hours
Which I can’t stop from passing
but I suck on my antibiotics nonetheless
and hang out in the little patty’s
of mold that grow up
In the shape of fan sprouting mushrooms
the sky is purple, indignant
and indefinite
and the clouds
are illuminating the sky with a light shade of pink
which is very nicely added there
as the color of the grass shifts back and forth on a hyper color dial
so it never stays the same
it never stays the same
It always changes
that way I can lay along there
and never have to worry about continuity
only change
only uncertainty
that is until I have to go back
to my sarcophagus with
the sound of dirt piling
on top of the lid
The Dirty Holocaustic Demonic Experience
Time to write time to die
But their is no doubt about it, im a loser lady eva was right, there is no doubt about, it I’m a loser and, I’m going to die
time to write, time to die
time to write, time to die
Into the pit of shit,
…took an inverted trip to hell last night for the first time in a hundred thousand years. I haven’t been taking those druqkz for almost a year. I did them maybe 4 or 5 times last year at the most. I haven’t been directly interacting with my guru who used to be Neem Karoli Baba from the right side of the spectrum and as a result the grandiose samadhis were quite muddy and dark. Not slick romantic wonderful crome plated darkness either, I mean more like diarrhea darkness. Like i was up to my anchles in a pudding marsh of diarrhea shit.
I called on some goetic spirits like asmoday and saw their consciousness enter the sphear which was like this big wonderful 5 dimensional holographic screen that I was viewing all this crazy imagery on in my deep meditation like star wars or some shit. I was sitting inside this room in front of this giant virtual reality screen. Thats the best way I can discribe it. Some of it was creepy and a bit frightening and probably not good but also very intriguing and completely enjoyable. When I do this without protection it’s extremely dangerous especially when I’m calling on other entitys that I don’t even really know while on bad druqks. But I didn’t know what else to do because, I’m trying to build a new paradigm without any kind of reference point. & Im way too broke to take any of E.A.'s courses and sober work lately has produced dull weak results. I’m bored with the normal spiritual rituals as well as everything else in life. I think Im about done with everything.
A large gray catfish like entity swam up to me, lached onto my head, & suckled my brains. It suckled my brains for a moment, and then I shooed it away and it swam off. This took place inside a dark ocean of frightening bliss. It was just like being under water. Underwater holography. It was like this wonderful awful fluid that could keep u so high that u might do something irresponsible. Like I was so fucking enraptured that I just sat there for a few seconds while that awful fish creature suckled my brains out. I didn’t come too and have the common sense to realize that I needed to get rid of this fucking energy vampire thing for a cupple of moments. These things aren’t like my guru. Whom I trusted to do energetic modifications serendipitously. It was just some random creature. I’m used to maharaj-ji. I guess thats another reason why i hesitated to shoo the thing away, out of simple habit.
I could hear voices talking, above my head. Speaking almost backwards female serpentine sounding sliding sss,'es and this hauntingly peculiar music was playing. I’m not quite sure what was in the room with me or how many of them there were. It definitely felt like more than one. All this came in with asmoday. I like asmoday for some reason. Maybe its because his sigil has a big penis. Its actually supposed to be a snakes tail, I guess. That’s what the read out says at least. My visions began to turn into decay, like decomposing body parts. I was getting paranoid partially because these druqks were so fucking crummy. I couldn’t quite figure out how to reverse the process of entropy because I’ve only delt with spirits on rare occasions accept for Neem Karoli Baba & Hanuman, and only a few others & I didn’t want to have to call on them to help me with anything as if they were my parents. I’ve been trying to do something else. There is all this other stuff that I can’t seem to crack the code on. Like these demons. Of course their is also a lot of crazy shit in my life which I’m not telling u which is in the way.
So since i couldn’t seem to reverse the visions of decay, i had to call Hanuman who was close by. The visions were all consuming. I couldent reverse them on my own. It wasn’t my fault however. The personality of the drugs that I was on is extremely negative. Not in the romantic sense, but in the death sense. There is a feeling of persistent death paranoia and decay which permeates the experiences no matter who u are. The sense of shakti running through me was like a dead radio signal. It takes a lot of practice to use these drugs at all. I had no way of creating barriers between myself and this abyss or whatever it was. I don’t know what to call it. The druqks may have been terrible but they were powerful enough to allow me to pass over the thresholds. Its better than television, and other normal bull crap. I just repeated Hanuman’s name in my head and it transmuted the death into divine consciousness which engullfed the visions. I mean, that sounds corney, but its true. I have already merged with Hanuman so all I have to do is call him in times like these. I felt the divine consciousness in me absorb every entity thru my perseptions that may have been in the room. Because of this I wonder if I’m even going to be able to associate with demons?
I felt that the entitys which were there had either left at this point or were hiding their presences & I just couldn’t see them. How schizophrenic this sounds!! I must have completely lost my mind! If I couldn’t have called on maharaj-ji that stupid drug death effect would have consumed me. I wish i had some better druqks on me now. I need to make a new strain. I want to try this again but im not quite sure how to go about it or if it would even work again. I’d like to convene with one of the demonic kings and share some samadhis together in order to get better acquainted and serve to further dilate my intrigue. I feel lost, but I also have some great tools at my disposal. Last night was almost a success, as awful as that seems. My results were pretty optimistic, but I think I’m about done with all this, & I don’t want to continue with any plans for the future whatsoever. Because the reflection that I have seen in the universe tells me its time. I know my experiences with maharaji-ji and how he transformed himself into death when I last saw him. And I know the vision of death that I had when I was just beginning this medicinal excursion. He showed me death. I have these hollow experiances every day. I know the people I pass in the street & women who come onto me that I just ignore. Life contains nothing. I recognise the patterns in the reflections of my karmas in the universe that I see around me that I’m reading. I can’t do this anymore. I’m already dead, & I have contemplated death. I butter my biscuits with depression. It doesn’t even make me sad. Destiny is not one to entertain pretenses. Though a person can live on in delusion or denial.
As I write this one of those tacky ass ice cream trucks goes by in the background. I hate those things. Its playing pop goes the weasel on its lowd speakers. Puffy mischievous assholes are probably raping children in the back seat right now . “Hey, asssholes”! "Fucking weirdoz!! “Who dose that”?!! All the terrific ideas are fading.
Delete please