Man, if i could minimize my question, it would be 'sigh...dude...'

hello, I came across your messages through you-tube
yes, ‘love under will…’ and I understand magic is un-understood natural things (the science and art of…).
though I am young I understand science and the natural world and understand that certain actions of my will can cause me danger/pain and ultimately death (example: my will is to PARTY HARD, have unprotected sex, etc …but my will is to also not feel danger/pain or death). I believe there is something greater out there, and yes this ‘something’ is able to protect me
except, I am in a wheelchair (I find what happened amusing…ones heart ‘attacks’ the person so they almost die, my brain did the same…lol), some might see the chair as only bad (and yes, it is a terrible thing), but I have learned much/more then ever and yes I believe one day everything will go back (physically speaking). but even before I used to ‘party hard’ and in the midst of my party life I was messed up (physically).
even though I’m in a chair, I did move out, and my parents r STRICT seventh-day Adventist and would be CRUSHED if they found out I am looking into magic (and even though I understand that I am not responsible to keep anyone happy, crushing their spirit is not my will). so going places in my interest is not easy, nor is money free-flowing (so buying books, candles, or doing rituals is difficult.
can u direct me to free online help?
I feel I have been put in the situation I am in to learn, like I said I know ‘book smarts’ but I don’t want to gather more knowledge and forget the work needed to be put then not be respectful of the power I have . I have been in this position for 8+ years, and I am a good looking man, so popularity came easy, but because of certain things that happened in childhood (not worth going into, let’s just say that I grew up not believing I could physically defend myself) when threatened I wouldn’t react like the alpha male I rebuilt my mind as. Since I believe I will walk again self protection is a must in my mind, I am psychological able to end another human life to defend myself (as I am more of a lover then a fighter…but I will fight if needed, but starting confrontations is not my forte), but I cannot watch my back 100% of the time (I believe we humans are physically able to do more then we believe we can). thus my second question, I want to unleash ‘my inner god’ but:

  1. money is tight.
  2. I want to keep my parents out of the loop (even though they make my life a bit difficult, they cared for me when I was in a coma, in a vegetative state, they drive me to all medical appointment-even if the appointment is hours away at 2 am, they put a roof over my head as I lay there offering nothing, etc. I do love/owe them…
  3. I don’t want to lose respect for my gained power by sucking all your knowledge.