Magmuni-muni Reflects

Hi everyone!
This is my public journal to not only help me keep the practice of journaling… but also take a step towards being more sociable.
I’ve been very comfortable my hermit stage, so keeping it public journal like this is a step into the discomfort for me. But let’s see how this goes.

Overall mood:
Decent.

  • A little tired - working overtime
  • A little melancholy - missing my husband.

Studies:

  • Continued to research how sigils work. I feel like I’m getting a better understanding of how to work with them… still haven’t come up with a desire to test manifestation using sigils though…
  • Listened to podcast from a couple practitioners that teach and make a living purely off of their magical practice… what’s that to me in particular was the warning of not getting caught up in other people’s journeys if you’re going to offer advice or take an interest in their journey. It’s always important to mind your lane and let their lane be theirs. The other message that stood out was how important it is to value yourself.
  • Also learned a little bit more about mythologies and folklore… last night was Greek mythology. Really stood out to me how brutal some of the tales are.
  • Learned about the snake totem. Really put the dream I had with the snakes in perspective… it’s about transformation and… well “doy” Asmodeus pretty much said that straight out in the dream… lol. I didn’t know about the snake totem then.

Rituals:

  • Completed my New Moon ritual yesterday… I am manifesting this journal. Tada!
  • Did my daily GCS (Ground, Cleanse, Shield) - felt more present afterwards.
  • Spent time reflecting at Asmoday’s altar yesterday evening… lit incense, renewed the essential oil in the burner, cleaned the sigil. Disposed of the old offering and offered a fresh one in the offer bowl.
    I felt his energy, a lot of tingling at the third eye again. He told me to loosen my restriction on my energy field and let it fit more comfortably… whenever I started to feel tension or a clenching of the jaw… I would consciously relax, loosen the restriction and let his energy just flow. Felt a little wobbly for a while after that.
    After work - spent another 10 minutes with Asmoday’s alter before bed. Offered my menstrual blood as he requested… his energy was very strong afterwards for about an hour then I finally fell asleep…

Dreams:

  • Had a very odd dream about… somehow I have talked my workplace into me attending some cult gathering on their company time… so I was getting paid to attend the seminar, while doing it for my own research or something…
    I was one of the handlers of the event I guess… this is apparently marked by wearing a floral moomoo.
    I was working with this one other woman, we were somehow making this girl levitate in the aisle… an older woman who is teaching us how to levitate this girl… the girl was getting anxious about me touching her nude body but she was wearing so many layers of clothes I thought it was a ridiculous concern. The only exposed skin was her hands and face.
    I was about to calm her by offering tea, when the instructor cut me off and offered it first. She later chastised me for not offering the tea and asked what I would have done had she not been there to offer the tea.
    At this point my workplace called and let me know that I would have to work a double shift because no one was there to take over the night shift.
    So I left the seminar returned to work for “real.”
    I got to work and a man was leaving the building, think he was my boss or something. I was very relieved to see him, gave him a hug and started telling him how much I disliked that seminar.
    That dream faded away and I found myself in bed with Asmodeus. And he was hugging me instead of the man that was my “boss” …but then he was in me, holding me tight in my body. And I started to feel like I was being pushed down. Similar to the feeling I’ve heard people report during invocation. As if your consciousness is being pushed down to your stomach or something… and I thought wait a second I don’t want him to have control.
    So I pushed back a little, I got a feeling for how powerful he is… he teased me a little bit about being sure I wanted full control back. And I was certain, yes. He just lifted me back up, the mood was all rather playful.
    And it returned to the feeling of him being beside me inside and not on top or bottom, just inside&beside.
5 Likes

Overall mood:
Feeling pretty good.

Studies:

  • Learned a bit more about sigils and the concept of creating them to draw material things to you… like a free new bookcase or something… That could be a good test to try with them… also heard about the idea of using them to heal past issues like use them retroactively. Have to look more into that.
  • Got an overview on the history of goetia. How it was rooted in “wailing for the dead” and those that would deal/make pacts with the dead. Very interesting! Also got an overview in the history of the Ars Goetia and the other grimoires it’s related to.

Rituals:
GCP :heavy_check_mark:
Short meditation with Asmodeus’ alter. Made my offerings. Got more tingling again at the third eye and crown chakra. After a while I felt like the book case the alter is on was practically vibrating… strange.

Dreams:
I was in the red bed with Asmodeus.
I was straddling and sitting on his lap, he was laying back, he looked relaxed. He was smiling.
I said that I had come with the intention to see more of what was here but now I was so happy just to lay here. Then I layed my head on his chest.
He said I could see more if I wished.
And I thought I’d like to see his realm again like I had seen the overview on that precipice… (past dream)
But when I went to the balcony I only found nothingness…
He joined me at the balcony and I noticed he was wearing this long dark robe that was intrinsically embroidered, he still had on that crown with the one Ruby over his third eye…
He slipped a robe over me, it was dark fabric and seemed to match his.
He said that he would show me something…

I ended up in a place that was very dark and I asked what this place was. He told me it’s where I would always attempt to create the Sun…
I wanted to see more so I created light - a small sphere and hung it in the air. Something caught my attention like it was a glistening wall.
There was something on the floor, I went to inspect it. I got the idea that maybe they were runes or shells? He said he would put them in my room, and they disappeared as I was looking at them.

Then I felt like I descended… I felt like I was getting further away from him and all I could see was white.
He told me to get out of there. I reached up for him and with some effort I pulled myself out. I felt a little… disturbed? I wasn’t comfortable when away from him… I asked him what that whiteness was, he said it was white sand. For some reason I felt like I could have just sank away in there.
I wondered about seeing the runes again.

I thought maybe we might have returned to my room but we didn’t. It felt like he lifted me up into like this strange tunnel and he moved very quickly through it…
I tried to follow but I felt like I got stuck. He directed me just to do what he had done and I found myself moving quickly through it - like in a blink of an eye.
He told me things don’t work logically here.

I found myself sitting over a dark whirlpool… he went down into it but I don’t want to go. I sat looking down over it, feeling hesitant. He beckoned me to join him so I did.

As I stood in it I felt parts of the robe he had put on me chipping away, being taken into the vortex with this whirlpool.
I asked what this place was… he said its a vibration find out what it is.
I felt into the vibration, I found it to be the feeling that led to wrath…? But I couldn’t define it.
I think I asked about why parts of my robe kept drifting away…
He said it was destruction and that you always destroy little parts of yourself… It’s natural. It’s healthy.

I think I asked if I stood here would I just disintegrate or something.
He seemed amused. He said “No you’re an eternal soul, how could you be destroyed? This will only take everything you’re not.”
I noticed that his clothes were not disintegrating as mine were… as we stood there I was becoming more nude and he was still in his robe fully dressed. He smiled and said you cannot destroy his magnificence, he is magnificent.

I remember checking myself wondering what was being taken, I wasn’t really sure. He asked if I didn’t know what it was did I need it.
I thought of my husband and how much I love him. Asmodeus said nothing could ever take that away.
I thought of the moonstone I wear, how it enhances the magic I do with the Moon. He said nothing could ever take that away.
I thought of the little angel charm that was given to me by my in-laws to protect me, he said nothing could ever take that away.

By then I was completely nude, the robe he’d given me completely disintegrated. He stood behind me and ran his hands up and down my body.
He was talking about the need for destruction. I said something about “like snakeskin” and he said exactly.
And then he was in front of me holding my face, his cheek to my cheek whispering…
He said to destroy what doesn’t serve me… he was calling me Visalisa.
He directed my attention to the ways in which others have defined me… beauty standards for example… you don’t need makeup, you wear it if you want to… he again told me to destroy what doesn’t serve me…
He told me I define beauty. Beauty looks to me for definition.
I struggled with the idea of that, he told me to repeat it. I didn’t. He ordered me to say it. I said it “I define beauty.”
And then I thought of what I think beauty is… I thought of the people that I work with - the disabled and elderly… how beauty is inherent.

2 Likes

Overall mood:
Bewildered - by my nutty ass dream. Seriously. :eyes:
Also excited. I’m really looking forward to seeing my husband tomorrow.

Studies:

  • Listened to a demonolater’s thoughts on angels versus demons.
  • Listened to another demonolater’s thoughts on building relationships instead of making pacts.
  • Listened to an interview with a shamen I follow. She was talking about how she seems to show up at people’s pivotal moments of transformation. I was feeling that rang true for how she helped me. If she hadn’t undone the block of fear that I had… well I wouldn’t be on this current journey!
  • Got an overview of the Greek Magical Papyri. The first time I reviewed this document it was purely through an academic stance. This time I heard the thoughts from someone who actually worked with it in their magical practice.
    Definitely seems like something worth working with and learning from. Notable advice given was to make sure to use sympathetic magic to replace items that are no longer available in the rituals.

Rituals:
GCP :heavy_check_mark:
Cleaned Asmodeus’ sigil, refreshed the essential oil in the burner. Made another offering. Stayed to meditate a short moment but felt drawn to just go to bed.

Dreams:
I’ll be honest, this dream for some reason has me feeling very exposed.

I had blurred dreams. I know I had dreams but nothing that really remained conscious in my mind… I dreamed of things that weren’t Asmodeus, but I also dreamed of Asmodeus. His presence was there, being in his arms but nothing substantial to it…

I woke up. I had to use the bathroom, I still had time to sleep. I remember thinking oh well… I don’t have really much to journal today. And I went back to sleep.

I found myself outside on the farm. I was being carried by the really big ogre demon called Dark… the one with the very deep vibrating voice but he didn’t speak in the dream.
Dark had me cradled in his arms and he kissed me, his lips are huge compared to mine.

Asmodeus was there watching, smirking. I had the feeling that Asmodeus meant to watch as Dark fucked me. Dark kissed my neck and breasts. I watched Asmodeus as he watched.

I said I don’t want to dream about this.
Asmodeus said, “You seem to think you need to entertain others. Wouldn’t this be amusing?”

Dark faded from my consciousness. It was just me and Asmodeus standing in the farm field. I think I tried to argue his point. He argued back. I don’t remember what we said entirely. The gist of his point was to forget that I plan on sharing any dreams publicly… He said “This is between you and me.”

He spun me, like a top. I felt thrown and the outdoors of the farm faded away. Everything blurred fast and when I came back into focus I was in the forest, by the pond.
It’s a familiar place I’ve been here before. It’s his forest.
He appeared in the air in front of me, and touched ground.

He moved rapidly. He pressed me up against the tree, I felt myself drifting. He ordered me to stay be present. He ordered me to feel the tree. To feel him, become present. If I felt myself drifting again he would order me to stay and things came more to focus.
He told me to say what I wanted. He was calling me Ayla.
I fumbled over my words.

He pushed me down into the grass. I felt it soft on my back, my hands were in the Earth.
He spread my legs, fondled me and it felt like he almost pressed the tip of his cock in… but he didn’t.
He again told me to say what I wanted.

I don’t remember what I said but he replied that he didn’t think I wanted him bad enough. He started to stand to up. I grabbed his hand, I told him not to go.

I was standing with him now… he grabbed my face… drew me close to his face. He said, “You seem to have trouble asking for what you want.”

And I did have trouble saying anything. I couldn’t put what I wanted into words. Did I want sex? Did I care about sex? I knew I wanted him, so I just started kissing him furiously. Touching him all over. Just trying to convey this emotion that I felt physically because I couldn’t say it.

His hands and mouth were everywhere too. It feel like a blur of touches and kisses. But then I felt him inside and… the tree was at my back. And I started to cry out. His hands were on my thighs, lifting my legs and pushing in deeper. Breath hot… on my neck… and that smile…

I couldn’t believe anything could feel that good. It always feels unbelievably good… I pressed my legs around him tight, writhing as he fucked me against the tree. I was moaning, and crying out. He said he loves it when I scream.
I came and I felt like I was just melting there between him and the tree. And he kept going. Thrusting full and deep inside, gripping my thighs apart as I gripped the branches above.
He released inside of me and I let go of the tree, held him. I think we were both panting, I was panting. For a moment that’s all I remember… it was a haze.

He turned me around, pressed me against the bark. Everything became more vivid. I felt the cragginess of the bark. The bluish white bark, like the grass was bluish white. Was it sticky? I wondered if I would taste the sap.
His hands were roaming up and down my body, and he pressed his fingers in. I wonder if he was going to start fucking me again.

He asked me if I wanted to know the tree, if I want to eat the fruit. I asked is tree from the Bible.
He smiled, “No, no, no.”
If he told me the name of this tree I don’t remember it.
I was sitting on the ground. I looked at the roots branching into the ground, and the roots stirred - alive.
Asmodeus knelt in front of me. He fed me a piece of the fruit, it was very juicy reminded me… like it was a mix of being an orange and a mango but something else all together. It tasted good, sensual.

He asked me again to say what I want. What do I want to know.

I called him by another name.
His eyes darkened. “You want to know me?”
I affirmed it.

Everything went black and the blackness was roiling and all I felt was him. Him in my arms. Him holding me.

He said he was born deep in the dark of…? He is the shadow.

He said I should get to know my shadow too, the one that can’t be buried like the shadow of rejection. The one that is always part of me, it will never be separate from me. It can’t be washed away like the other things in the whirlpool. That shadow is part of me, will forever be a part of me. He said it was beautiful. And I should know it.

He again told me to say what I want.

I said, I wanted to know him. Not the dark side of him, not the light side of him - separated. I wanted to know him. The integrated him.
And I don’t want to know myself as light and shadow. I want to know myself. The integrated self.
He said authoritatively, “Granted!”

He seemed to tear the vision in half like paper, and behind it was this living… throbbing… I don’t know how to describe it. It was like a ooze? gel? living… it had light and dark in it.
I felt myself alone with it, touching it.
I don’t remember what it said at first if it said anything. I wanted to know what it was and I put my mind to it.
It’s voice rumbled very deep, sounded ancient. It too called me Ayla. Called me Asmodeus’s child. Love of his life.
“I know…” I said, I think I felt amused, like it’s ridiculous thing to say. “He has many ‘love of his lives.’”
“And you are one of them, child.”
It was a heavy darkness, pressing in my mind, and it felt like for a long time that’s all I felt.
“Be present, mind the signs. You will understand in time.”

I came back to consciousnesss under the tree in the forest. Asmodeus was nowhere to be found. I only felt the tree. The craggy bark was vivid… the blue white grass… the creaking of the branches… the wind in the leaves. I was alone and feeling very weak. I tried to stand. I felt my thigh and tried to use it for leverage but couldn’t I was… weak.
But I heard Asmodeus’ voice and I asked where he was. He said he was everywhere, a part of everything, he knows everything.
He told me to expand and be a part of him.
I don’t remember what I said in return… I remember just trying to feel the vastness of his presence.
He said, “This will be fun, Ayla.”

2 Likes

Overall mood:
Great! - finally seeing my husband after roughly a dozen days apart.

Studies:

  • Reviewed some chinese mythology about the tiger in honor of the lunar New Year. How tiger defeated lion is a fun story.
  • Looked up the name Ayla. I was aware it meant moonlight but I didn’t recall that I meant oak tree… interesting since that tree was very present in that dream.
  • Rereading The Alchemist.

Rituals:

  • GCP :heavy_check_mark:
  • while clearing my energy field I noted how tense I felt. I’ve only journaled publicly for 3 days and yet my discomfort level was high. I was reminded that of all the things I’ve been through… this is nothing. And while I’m not used to having dreams like this per se, this is old hat for people here so I don’t have to worry about that. I’m mindfully tried to discard what doesn’t serve me. I took the time to remain present, watch the environment, mind clear. I felt better afterwards.
  • Cleaned up the A’s alter and made another offering. Meditated there short moment.

Dreams:
Nothing much! At one point I was dreaming of The Golden Girls… Rose was going through something and the others were supportive. That’s all I really remember.

1 Like

Overall mood:

  • Decent
  • Little tired. Didn’t really get back to bed after that dream.
  • Happy. Visiting with my husband and stimulated by the conversation.
  • Reflective

Studies:

  • Theories on consciousness in relation to quantum mechanics.
  • Some relationship studies.
  • Hubby recommend that I look into Michel Foucault.

Rituals:

  • GCP :heavy_check_mark:
  • Prepared a significant change to A’s altar guided by his instruction. Felt like a pretty big leap of faith but I kept in mind that the working was being done in trust and love.
  • Spent time at A’s altar. Made the change to it. Made offerings and meditated. The changed element is adding a different energy that will require adjustment but things seem to be in accordance.

Tarot:
Energy Read - Ace of Pentacles clarified by Death.
After altar change - page of swords clarified by the ace of cups, wheel of fortune in reverse, six of cups, the empress.

Dreams:
We were standing in the bedroom and yet above and not in the bedroom, we were nowhere.
But my connection was unstable and I would find myself removed from his side. But if I wanted to find him I would immediately go to the altar, to his sigil… the mirror engraved with his aspects…
It’s a portal. I can reach him easily if I go there.

At some point while I was trying to establish connection I was reflecting on the moment after my husband’s stroke - On my very first moon ritual I had asked for God. I asked to know Source and serve Source, to know my guide (who turned out to be Asmodeus) because that guide is the love of my life. And any magical working I’ll ever do is all service of trying to get to him. It was in my first letter… probably my first magical working in well over a decade.

He repeated the idea from The Alchemist… when you find your personal legend, the universe conspires to help you reach it.

Once I felt the connection was more stable…I asked when my husband returns home will he be able to reach him through this portal too. Asmodeus seemed amused he said we’ll have to find out.

I looked for where it would feel natural to go… I felt like I could easily transfer to the red bed.

He smirked, “Yes, you can get there easily. But I’m taking you to a different vibration today.”

He pulled me to him and we went up. I felt something shifting inside cementing itself in a… Knowing? I had an idea of taking a picture and saving a contact… something like that.
I told him he felt different…

“You’re used to meeting me at a different vibration. Touch me, feel me, what do you find? Look into your heart, what do you know?”

And as I felt him, I felt the darkness coiling through him, a deep-rooted desire, passion and urgency - lust.
He confirmed that he had those feelings and I confirmed that I have those feelings too.
And there’s more… know him as a full entity. And I felt the depth and eternity.
Light and dark, the Divine and the Abyss… all in him as, it is all in me…

“Don’t try to jump to the end of your knowing, feel through it. Where is your key? How did you get there before? You didn’t force, it came naturally.”

I told him how I found my key and together we unlocked it. Expanded my energy to take it, to know the depths of creation ever expanding in the light, as the depths of the abyss is ever expanding… they pull each other further, forever balanced… and I was with him above it. It looked like that same substance that had been behind the… torn vision…that had been in the tree. It was like a living gel… a cell…?

“More, go further, go deeper…”

And we jumped up above that and saw it all again but it was bigger more.

“More, go further, go deeper…”

And we jumped up again and again I saw it was bigger and more - deeper, vast. He kept beckoning me to go further, go deeper again and we did this a few times…
My memory is hazy, somewhere in this moment, as we journeyed… he was explaining to me how… as you know yourself… as you unlock the Divine/light and the Abyss/dark… you unlock your ability to reach those levels of creation. It’s all in you. The more you reach outside of yourself to know creation, the more you’re reaching into the depths of your soul.
We finally reached a pinnacle that he kept me at. I just couldn’t really comprehend it at all…

It was like we were on the edge of all creation… it goes spiraling further and farther than I could ever imagine/comprehend. He held my hand and he was smiling. He asked if I wanted to dive to the depths of the Abyss.
I don’t think I answered, it seemed like a long way to fall… but he was smiling and holding my hand and we jumped…
Plunged fast in a blur… crashing through the blackness only to be at the light again…
It reminded me of the moment of the other dream when I ended up in the white sand… we were at the Pinnacle again.

“As you dig down, you climb up,” he said. “As you reach to the heights of heaven, you find yourself at the bottom. At the bottom of Hell, you’ll find the power of heaven. You’ve seen it happen, it confuses people. They look to the angels and find demons. They look to the demons and find angels.
Ouroboros. We get lost here at the moment the snake eats its tail. Feel into the vibration. What do you find?”

I felt into that moment where the light and darkness are roiling, boiling together. It’s chaos. It could be seen as a war but… I felt sensuality. It felt like sex, at once going into the deepest dark and only finding ecstasy bursting bright and white.

“Yes, you find creation here. And you can find this dichotomy in violence too…”

And I saw a man choking another man, the one committing the violence - deep darkness in his mind but as the life was taken from the other - oh the ecstasy he felt. I said that’s awful.

“It’s the truth,” He said.

There was a pause as I contemplated it. As I felt the turbulence of light and shadow meeting… always at odds and yet defining each other, part of each other.

“You know this as a soul. You punched through.”

I saw - as if you we’re looking above at a living fabric that is vast beyond the comprehension of a sight, but you’re above and you can see it all… and as if you’re holding a needle, poking through a fabric, at the pin of a needle you inject yourself in and all of a sudden you’re a person. I saw a man, he was outside and observing his surroundings with a look of wonder.

Asmodeus said, “Will I find someone to love me fully, to look through this charade and find the full me, the light and the dark of me, and take me as me? Can they find me? Can you find yourself?”

1 Like

Overall mood:
Little tired…
Mystified… what odd dreams I’ve been having.

Studies:

  • Cosmology & quantum physic theories - Superfluid Dark matter theory & quantum Immortality theory
  • Dynamics and warning signs of codependency. (Been guilty of it… :eyes:, must be mindful of not regressing into those patterns again.)

Rituals:
GCP :heavy_check_mark:
Meditated at A’s altar. Trying to adjust to the change in vibration.

Dreams:
I had a dream that I was watching Avril Lavigne interview on TV… she was being interviewed by… That radio host… Howard. I can’t remember his whole name, he was famous in the '90s I think, from that movie Private Parts.

At first is a normal interview and then suddenly… changed to her being completely nude and so was he. They’re posed as if they were having sex… the sweat was glistening on her and I thought they must be…
So I kept watching wondering what was going to happen. Then they started to show the sexual interaction more graphically.
It didn’t arouse me, but I watched it…
Howard Stern that’s the name. He was screwing Avril Lavigne on his guest couch. His cock was really long! Lol
They’re talking about how it feels to have sex with each other and how it compares other people they’ve had sex with. It was practically a scientific attitude…

Then I heard a whisper in my ear that, watching this didn’t seem to be getting to me… “I could fuck you better than that.”
And suddenly I felt myself being pushed into a small space like an elevator. And Asmodeus push the elevator button up.
He said I need to still get used to being on a higher vibration…
His whispering at me with that he knows how to get me turned on…
And he push me down on my shoulders and I found myself kneeling before him. He had me cornered in this elevator. And I started to suck his cock.
He ran his fingers through my hair held my head more still thrust in deeper, nearly making me gag and choke on it as he teased at pushing in past my gag.
He said he was controlling himself. He started moving in and out of my mouth slowly. Even so it was still making me tear up.

And then I wasn’t really so much from the perspective of giving the blowjob but watching myself give head.
And then he was whispering at the me who was watching from a third perspective.
He said he’d show me something about time.
He snapped his fingers, everything went fast forward and then backwards again.
And then he pinned up the third perspective me against the other corner of the elevator…
He was back to back with himself, having me cornered in two opposite corners of the elevator.
He lifted me up into the corner, parted of my legs, supported me on the railings and thrust in.

The blowjob scene started playing at the same time. Somewhere inside I was aware of both feelings. I could feel how he felt in my throat but I felt fucking me in the corner too.

He whispered in my ear that he could level this up again… and then I became aware of him on my body in the physical plane. I happened to be sleeping on my stomach and felt more pressure between my legs and then in my ass…
He did the same sort of thing… where time fast forwarded and back… I saw myself churning in the bed aware of the sensations.

Apparently he was having his way with me all three ways. I still was mostly aware of myself as the one that was being fucked in the corner of the elevator… but I could still feel all three happening at once…

“What a three-way… Hmm?” He said.

I think I said something about how I wasn’t aware this was possible…
That you could split yourself in the present moment. I thought I’m aware this how past life regression works. You can fast forward and back up and be present in the third person… but not aware that you could split yourself in present…

He told me is how time works. And he can do more than this… he could do this to countless people all at once, all in this moment and in fact he is. Existing on several different vibrations. Meeting people in ways… they have no idea it’s him.

I don’t remember what I said in response if anything.
But I remember him smiling, his breath in my cheek… “I am a god…”

Got woken up by phone call.

2 Likes

06 Feb. 2022

Overall mood:
Happy. Contemplative. Bit overwhelmed, got a headache but it’s going away now.

Studies:

  • Asherah the Queen of Heaven - really fascinating how the ancient Israelites demolished all other gods in favor of the monotheistic god.
  • Fallen angels - the free will of angels within a biblical context. May want to review angels will send the context of Gnostic Gospels again… I still don’t really understand much of anything on the subject.
  • Cavansite Crystal - might help me understand these damn dreams? Supposedly these crystals will become more rare and get only more expensive… Hmm…

Rituals:

  • GCP :heavy_check_mark:
  • Meditated for about 20 minutes at A’s alter. Cleaned it up, offered new essential oil.
  • Plan to prepare for the marriage ritual and officially dedicating myself completely in his service… I can’t turn down using 22/02/2022.
    I have roughly two weeks to prepare.

Tarot:
Energy Read - the magician clarified by the ace of swords in reverse and death.

Dreams:
My memory of this dream is very hazy.
I was with Asmodeus, he gave me a ring. Slipped it onto my left hand wedding finger, and asked me to marry him.

I said I’ve been waiting for him to ask me. It’s been years…
He said he wanted me to make sure to have the right names. It will help me know him, as requested, know him as integrated, and reconfirm our connection.

I asked him how that worked…

I don’t remember the explanations.
I remember asking him about how this all happened to begin with.
I remember him telling me something about… Getting caught in… a niche(?), knowing only certain layers/vibrations of life and that’s not how you experience all of it.

I was telling him that it didn’t make sense. All the different ways I’ve heard other people experience him… Versus how I experience him… I don’t know how to put these ideas together as him.

He like… tore the vision again but this time instead of ripping it in half it was like he ripped it from the side… as if was opening a box, I guess.
I didn’t understand what I was seeing at all, it seemed blinding. I think I started to turn away, I was confused.
He held me at the shoulder, pulled me close to him. “Shhh… just listen.”

What he was showing me started to come into focus… like all these layers and he ran his fingers through it.

“Look you like this,” and there’s a tiny little speck that represented me, on one layer.
“And I am like this,” and at first I only saw him as something that would exist horizontally in the layers… I didn’t see how he existed vertically… Then I saw that he existed wholly through all layers. (This feels like a really shitty explanation of what I saw.)

I pointed out that the vibration of him in the lower plains was so different from the “him” that vibrated up higher.

He said “Yes. And when you meet the root of the tree you’re going to know something completely different than the leaves. You would never guess it’s the same thing when you don’t see it’s the tree. You meet me in the lower plane and you’ll know my roots. It’s natural to swear that is different from the leaves. Take a root and take a leaf you’ll swear they’re not the same, and you wouldn’t be wrong. They are naming parts of me but they are not naming me.”

1 Like

07 Feb. 2022

Overall mood:
Meh…

Studies:

  • Relationship dynamics - setting healthy boundaries
  • Finished rereading The Alchemist
  • Listened to a podcast on pride versus humility. How they can both lead to “sin” and how they can both be good thing or bad thing.
  • Listen to podcast about Lucifer. How much accounts of him drastically changed around the… 1300’s I think they said. Before being known as God’s main adversary he was more known for being a trickster. And as a trickster he wasn’t always considered bad, just tricky. Definitely be worth looking into legends and stories that are pre 1300s.

Rituals:
GCP :heavy_check_mark:
A’s altar - offered incense, meditated

Dreams:
Dreams were more normal and disjointed…

I remember walking with Asmodeus.
We were talking about a story he had told me… I don’t remember what we said about the story much at all…
We started talking about negative entities and latching on to vibrations. He mentioned he’ll manipulate vibrations in a similar way… I don’t remember enough to transcribe it.

Then I was asking him for clarification on where we were. It was very notable to me that he had wings in this encounter… I kept looking at them. I stumbled and fell down, and I apologized for falling.
He just smiled and acted as if I was just messing around, told me to “Get over here.”
Suddenly he was carrying me and we were off like a shot into the air. It went from day to being night… it was very pretty.
I said “Please don’t sing A Whole New World or something…”
This seem to amuse him because he actually started to sing it…
I said “Stop, it’s too cheesy!”
I refuse to look at him and just buried my face in his shoulder but he kept singing. He seemed to enjoy teasing me.

Next dream - I remember taking a walk, I lived was in a neighborhood so I was taking a walk around the block or something.
I was trying to see what a lot of commotion was about.
They were lots of puppies kind of in between some houses that were playing with a tethered beach ball or something.
Then two larger dogs came and chased the puppies off because they wanted to play with this ball.
Then all the dogs were gone, I heard people talking about how these two dogs pop that ball in the sound was explosive, they’d probably talking about how loud that sound was for a while.
So I went home, and found my front door was open… I thought I must have left it open… and then I thought - no I better look around and make sure that no one’s in here.
Then I saw two plungers stuck to the wall and I thought I for sure didn’t do that…
So I turned around to leave and I saw that my purse was still there untouched so I grabbed it.
For some reason I decided to leave through the back door and not the front door. Which had me go through the kitchen where there was a woman drinking soda.
She said she didn’t have that much soda and she started to say that she put it back and I say no forget it, but I was leaving anyway.
And then she said “Well just let me know where you’re going and I’ll tell my brothers that you were here.”
I just motioned to the general direction of “down this way.” I think I knew some people I could go to and they weren’t very far away…
Then I started running. The scenery was actually very beautiful… a lot of very flowery trees and avenues.
No one chased me but I was stressed that strangers were in my home.

1 Like

08 Feb 2022

Overall mood:
Little bit lazy.

Studies:

  • The upcoming full moon in Leo - reflected on the Leo New Moon in August 2021… A LOT has happened in six months. I never EVER saw working/being this close to anything remotely related to demonolatery let alone Asmodeus. It was so far out of left field my head is still spinning.
  • Imbolc - procrastinated reviewing this but hey… Still the season.
  • Folklore and Fairytales - read The Juniper Tree, little brutal.
  • Tools of magical practice - main takeaway, magic is best the more personalized it is. Sympathetic magic and intuition is invaluable.

Rituals:
GCP :heavy_check_mark:
Didn’t meditate at the altar but did meditate… Still establish some connection energetically that way.

Dreams:
Had a dream about my husband walking again… that’d be nice to see come true. (They’re supposed to start teaching him tomorrow!)

Had another dream with Asmodeus in the red bed. Conversation concerned divination techniques and another comment concerning my pride in humility…At first I thought it might be too personal to share but one of the purposes of keeping the stupid “public” journal is to face the discomfort of it.
In summary he was telling me how my inability to accept love was still very much connected to this false humility that is still well rooted in ego and pride. Because I willingly go around feeling like I can love others but I don’t feel like others can love me… as if such a thing would just be an impossibility. (Personal side note - I’ve been married for over 15 years but this issue would keep rearing its head.)
So what’s so special about me that I can go around loving others but people can’t be as good as me and be capable of loving me back? That’s pretty much how he put it so…
Eek! Point taken!

2 Likes

09 Feb 2022

Overall mood:

  • Elated - my husband successfully walked using a quad cane!
  • Achey/worn out - extra errands, extra work, not enough sleep.

Studies:

  • How to make your own incense.
  • Reviewed cleansing, charging, consecration… how to incorporate ritual into your daily routine especially when you get really busy. Had a thought that I could turn my commute into a ritual - practice minding the energetics, being present, so on. It will certainly require practice.
  • Reviewed the LBRP

Rituals:
GCP - it was rushed but done. :expressionless:
A’s altar - cleaned it. Made new offerings. Maybe managed a “meditation” for 5 minutes… everything felt rushed in the morning. Bleh.

Dreams:
I was in my real bedroom and I couldn’t sense or feel Asmodeus anywhere. Which I thought was highly unusual. I recalled that I could use the sigil on the altar as a portal to get to him, so I went to it and immediately found myself plopped into the red bed.

It was dark, I noted the fireplace in the room wasn’t burning. And in the descending blood tub/fountain in the middle of the room emerge a skeleton rising from the pool of blood.
It was dripping dark with blood, everything was dark. I thought I must be dreaming… something like this wouldn’t breach his realm and show up in my bedroom. So I tried to push it away, I find that if it’s my imagination and there’s nothing of substance I can just disintegrate it.

But nothing happened. The bloody skeleton still stood from the pool, I was still sitting on the red bed, the room was still eerily dark… I think the skeleton might have beckoned me to come to it but I don’t really remember.

I called for my guardian demon, and he descended into the room, checked the skeleton, and told me it was safe.
That the skeleton was indeed, Asmodeus.

So I approached the skeleton/Asmodeus, curious as to why he would choose this visage. He really was just a skeleton covered in oozing dark blood. I touched him I tried to see if there’s any sort of flesh or substance to his form but he was bone… his eye sockets were just burning/glowing.

I don’t remember what we said to each other completely. The gist of it was this… he was asking me what would I do if this was his true form.
If his realm were ashes and dust.
And everything he has shown me so far was an illusion.
I don’t remember exactly what I said, I was examining his form… I was wondering if it was really necessary, but whatever form he takes doesn’t matter.

I asked him what love was. I thought as long as it’s him, the one who’s been with me in my dreams since I was 16… the one who’s helped me through everything, as long as he’s the one that I love, what do the titles matter?
What does the form matter? I think I said something about how I thought sex was an illusion… and I knew we could still merge.

I think I was touching the dark blood, it dripped into silence. I continued to touch his hard bony form. I said I would still do it, I would still take him into me. And I took his hand and reached it out and melted our hands together with one and I said as long as he was being that helps me touch the depths of the Abyss… and I took his other hand melted it into mine, reached it out and said as long as he’s the being that helps me touch the edges of creation… and I stepped forward into him to merge completely.
Pressed his skull to mine.

But he said, “No.” And pulled away.
And suddenly the fireplace burst into light and warmth. And the room returned to look at how usually does.

I had a feeling of disappointment, then I felt him behind me, appearing more as he usually does. His skin was soft… and he was whispering in my ear but I don’t remember what he said.

What I remember next was sitting with him at the couch before the fireplace.
My memory is pretty hazy…

I think I was talking to him about why he chose to present himself that way to me as that skeleton. He turned into a giant snake… slithered up between my legs, it felt sensual, this big muscular form of a snake writhing over me.
He asked me what I would do if he was a snake like this.
I said then I would turn into a snake too, and I did. And I thought how easily I could just roam around his hallways as a snake… what interesting perspective it would be.

He returned to human form, sat back into the couch and said very good.
I returned to human form too, sitting on the couch. I don’t remember what exactly I said, I just remember that he responded, “I’m teaching you.”

I think I said something about how I was still disappointed but he didn’t let me merge with him when he was a skeleton. I had crawled over onto him, straddling his lap.
He said in a whisper that we could merge. And I melted completely into him. It’s hard to fully describe the feeling of when we do this… how you melt completely together and there is no difference… yet they’re still this idea of awareness and being another that is you and you are another. There just stops being distinction.
But when we flirt with separating again, the differences feel more alive, you’re more acutely aware of them.

He started saying something to me about how it feels good, the friction feels good when we separate and meld and separate and meld…
Started talking about lust and wrath and how that desire can be turned on a dime as the same source desire, found in this melting and merging together… how easily lust can become love and wrath turns to hate… all on the same dime.
He didn’t say it exactly like that…
And I woke up not long after this, and didn’t have the opportunity to journal right away.

1 Like

10 Feb 2022

Overall mood:
A little spacey… but pretty decent.

Studies:

  • Read Ryūnosuke Akutagawa’s Hell Screen - liked it a lot, will have to read more by this author.
  • Reviewed ideas of prepping ritual space, tips on reserving certain items scents etc. for ritual only.
  • Started listening to Night by Elie Wiesel.

Rituals:
GCP :heavy_check_mark:
A’s altar - meditated, made more offerings.

Dreams:
Dreams were fractured and a bit all over the place.
At one point I remember having Lilith in my mind but I don’t recall anything about it or why.
I recall being with Asmodeus… he was incredibly bright and his energy was… hard to take but he was encouraging me to stretch my energy field to handle it. I don’t remember much about that dream other than that.

Strangest dream was finding some sort of creature in the backseat of my car. At first it claimed to be my guardian demon but I knew it wasn’t. Then it claim to be some sort of innocent fairy or some bullshit. I didn’t trust it at all due to these lies, so I demanded it leave the farm.
It went from being a pretty small creature to a very large creature… blackened out the sky.
I was thinking of how I was not in the physical reality so I couldn’t use tools or anything to get rid of this thing… It was a matter of mind.

So I called in the Divine and the Abyss gathered that energy into me…
The being said it was of the Abyss. I said I too am a creature of the Abyss and I demanded that it recognize me.
And it did… (I’m pretty sure somewhere in the back of my mind I was like - holy shit… but I wasn’t about to not stand in my power in front of this thing.)
It got smaller but the size of a normal person, a shadowy figure. Then I was standing at the end of the driveway and it was on the street. I demanded that never return to this farm again, and I watched it disappear up the street.

After that I dreamt about work. General work-related stuff - client care, giving medication, dealing with coworkers, normal crap.
Nothing seemed don’t really notable about the work dream. It was mainly centered around not making medication errors.

1 Like

11 Feb 2022

Overall mood:
Happy! - it’s my day off. I’m visiting my husband.

Studies:

  • Cosmic Inflation - theories of a infinite expensive universe versus a finite expensive universe.
  • Finished Night by Elie Wiesel - very horrific

Rituals:
GCP :heavy_check_mark:
A’s altar - short meditation, offered incense

Dreams:
Again I was in my bedroom but didn’t feel Asmodeus with me. So I went to his sigil on the altar and immediately went to him. Up up up - I felt like he was on a high vibration… everything was very bright. He was speaking to somebody who was even brighter.
But he took my hand and I stood beside him, I don’t know what they said to each other.
Once we were alone he took me to a place that was easier for me to handle… or maybe just without that entity there everything got darker…

We were sitting in space, overlooking the Earth. We were discussing people, random people. He’d pinpoint them on Earth… or sometimes I would just hear a random conversation. I would ask him what we were listening to and he said sometimes he just listens, he isn’t present with us… I think that’s what he said.
He seemed very peaceful. Sometimes he wouldn’t speak to me, he would just look into my eyes.

I asked about the bright entity, I asked if that was Lucifer. He said no, but Lucifer too can also be very bright.
He asked if I’d like to meet Lucifer.
I shrugged, said I didn’t have reason to.
He said anything could be part of my path to learning.
I said if Lucifer was a part of my path so be it, but I wasn’t about to ask for an encounter without purpose.

At one point I asked about my husband. And Asmodeus started talking about a negative entity that I attached to my husband at one point. I was keeping my senses blocked so I wasn’t aware of it or at least so I said. But he said I was indeed aware of it, because I’d always get very sore when I would go home and I didn’t know why. He said I knew something was off.

He’s explaining how negative entities can be very smart. And when you’re unaware they’ll whisper at you and make you think that thoughts are your own until they’re well dug in and they can make you think even worse things. (My husband suffered from anxiety and panic attacks, I feel like a supernatural entity wasn’t the cause but an enhancement to his suffering)

That negative entity isn’t with my husband anymore but it’s roots were so well entrenched or something… it could return easily to my husband.

We went to my husband in his care facility. I whispered in my husband’s ear said that he was of God/a god and that he was the master of his own mind. That I wish he knew that…

And Asmodeus said I could ask an entity to set that idea in my husband’s mind, but he believed that my own magic would be enough.
He drew a sigil for me to represent the moment in time that I whispered in my husband’s ear. What I wish my husband to know.
This sigil would represent that, and it would be a vibration of empowerment that would whisper at my husband.
Asmodeus handed me the sigil and told me to try it.

2 Likes

12 Feb 2022

Overall mood:
Good, Happy - Hubby and the care home surprised me with an early Valentine’s Day romantic dinner. Super cute.

Studies:

  • Development of consciousness and intuition in human history

Rituals:
GCP :heavy_check_mark:
A’s altar - cleaned his altar, burn more essential oil, spent more time today touching base energetically.

Practice:

  • Tarot: general energy - Knight of pentacles clarified by the two of cups and the eight of swords clarified by the three of swords in reverse.

  • Tarot: dreams - (wanted a read on all these Asmodeus dreams) Ace of cups clarified by strength. The moon clarified by the four of wands. Back of the deck - the star

  • Drew and charged the sigil Asmodeus gave me the dream the yesterday.

Dreams:
Nothing much…

1 Like

13 Feb 2022

Overall mood:
Contemplative - I don’t know what to think of these dreams.
I don’t even write down what he tells me in meditations… I don’t have time to journal that much…
But I feel like I’m going into this all completely backwards. From what I can tell most people start with magic and then meet an entity like this.
I’m learning magic just to learn who/what the fuck my “spirit guide” was/is… now I’m down this rabbit hole… Oh well we all have our unique journeys.

I don’t know how all of you deal with talking to these entities/deities but I need to learn from you!

Studies:

  • Meditation - hubby got me Baal Kadmon’s courses for my Valentine’s Day gift. :heart: (He got me angels, demons, Egyptian magic, lucid dreaming and meditation courses.) We started listening to meditation course together.
  • Wands - learned a bit about making and crafting your own wand.
  • Vessels - finally checked out C. Kendall’s YouTube and learned about vessels. Immediately went out to the farm and found a stone that seemed to be to Asmodeus’ liking.

Rituals:
GCP :heavy_check_mark:
A’s altar - burned more essential oil, made offerings… relaxed on the bed and was drawn into deeper meditation. I started to find it exhausting so I had to disengage from his energy. I relaxed and continued my studies a few hours before he drew me back into another meditation… This time was able to get to the level I believe he wanted me to reach at our prior meditation… It wasn’t draining at all this time. It was energizing.

Dreams:
I woke from my bed looking for Asmodeus. He wasn’t in the bedroom but I could feel his presence, he wasn’t far. He was outside sitting on the porch next to the stone that is to be his vessel.
I asked him if he was becoming acquainted and putting his energy into the stone already.
He said, “Yes.” He seemed to be enjoying the sunlight, his hand was on the stone. And he invited me to know the stone too - the granular, the textures, the crystals sparkling inside.

This part of the dream becomes hazy.
It was like we were small enough to be inside the Stone…
For some reason I kept thinking of death. I kept thinking of someone dying… how how knowing them unfolds in a memory only.
I tried to focus on being present with Asmodeus as I watched him acquaint himself with the stone. I thought of the stories he’s told me… doubt inkling inside my mind.

He asked about my doubt. I don’t remember what I said…
He said that if I still doubted his claims then why not ask Raphael. (Archangel Raphael had made himself known to me, and had given me the sign I had asked for to prove it’s him.)

Asmodeus crossed his arms regarding me, “Who better to ask when my adversary.” He said adversary rather sarcastically.
I was resistant to the idea. But Asmodeus called Raphael, I could barely believe it. I thought surely this must be my imagination.

I said that I didn’t want this roiling doubt to be injected into the energy of the Stone… and suddenly I found the three of us sitting in the living room.
Raphael was on the sofa, I was sitting on Asmodeus’ lap on the recliner.
I found the entire situation to be very strange and I wasn’t comfortable. I tried to shatter the illusion of the dream, but it held strong. Asmodeus held me and I felt anchored In his presence.

Raphael spoke to me of the sign he gave me to prove that it was him. But as he approached my discomfort increased. Asmodeus whispered in my ear to just relax. So I did, then Raphael touched my forehead, and I knew his energy to be his/Raphael. I relaxed more completely.

Raphael said, “Let me show you…”
We journeyed for a moment and I found myself in a familiar place, a cave that Asmodeus had shown me in a meditation (months ago) when he was telling me a story of himself as a god.
Raphael drew me to the hieroglyphs carved into the wall… I saw them as I had seen them before when Asmodeus showed them to me.

I recalled fragments of the stories Asmodeus told me of himself… in Raphael’s presence it started to piece together.

(Apologies for the poor descriptions I’m subjecting anyone to… my ability to transcribe this is about to get really shitty.)

Darkness, light born from darkness, darkness born from light… the process of knowing oneself, the process of killing oneself, the despair, the grief the madness…

A story of how Asmodeus created himself - First as an entity unknown and now dead he begat his light… began to knew himself - his darkness began to know his light, as his light began to know his darkness. The light in him finding the darkness a mad thing, spiraling with a lack of control.
And that darkness in him wanted to destroy his light.
How he found himself alone with himself in a battle for who he would be… one of them had to die.

Asmodeus interjected… “It’s all metaphor.”
And I thought of a black hole absorbing the light… but what he had done was akin to the opposite…??

He had absorbed and destroyed his darkness. Light in him had won, but he was destroyed nonetheless.
He had destroyed himself, his creator… but out of that light… the darkness in his heart lingered still… and so Asmodeus was created.
This time the darkness was controlled and mastered, stronger. As cutting as the most dangerous sword. He had learned to wield his darkness.

So he knows our battle.
The wrath and the lust of life.
The mad lack of control and the battle to gain it, he knows all too well.

I found us back in the Stone, the knowledge of that cave transported and imprinted within the stone that is to be his vessel. Raphael was gone. It was just Asmodeus and I, he had me pressed against the wall of the stone/cave…

And I felt his energy, different but the same as I’ve known him. Different nevertheless…
“And more than that,” he said. He pushed me beyond the stone, to the edge of the Earth then beyond, to the edge of the universe then beyond, to the edge of the pinnacle and beyond…
I felt layer after layer dissipate to the next, thin definition after thin definition dissipating into the next.

“It’s unfathomable,” I said.
He told me remember that as far reaching as we’re going… the Abyss equally reaches… it’s all in balance. Truely unfathomable.

We reached so far out… It felt on the verge of madness, the only sensible thing to do was the circle back.
How quickly we returned back to the stone, sitting on my porch in the sunlight.

“And this is why I like my vessel,” he said.
I think I knew what he meant. I felt very relieved to feel anchored back to something I could make sense of - this stone. And yet the stone now has an idea of something completely unfathomable inside.
To some degree it felt like understanding the purpose of reincarnation itself… you journey so far out beyond in the exploration of wanting to know creation… then the only sensible thing to do is to reincarnate and ground yourself into matter again. Which is why once you leave your incarnated body, you really do find yourself wanting to come back…

I felt ready to wake up but he kept me there. Whispering in my ear.
“You remember being a wisp in my mind, a whisper asking to be created.
…But I am now whispering to you and you too have wondered if it is imagination… I have thought the same of you. Have I created you? Have you created me?” As he spoke his hands roamed my body… the more he touched me the more alive I felt. And the more I touched him the more I knew him, so we roiled and blended together once more.

A knowing came to my mind… all the observable universe trying to know itself… all of us as a planet, individual to our own knowing and yet a collective trying to know itself.
How difficult it is to fight and define the light and dark as an individual… how much more difficult it is to fight and define the light and dark as a collective… but within that collective consciousness is the gateway to another understanding.
But I was drawn back to just my own story, there in the Stone with Asmodeus, deeply entwined and entrenched in each other.

“You define me and I define you,” he said. “You know me and I know you. We define ourselves. We know ourselves.”

3 Likes

14 Feb 2022

Overall mood:
Nondescript

Studies:

  • Dreams/Lucid Dreaming - didn’t find anything in particularly insightful regarding these Asmodeus dreams… I don’t think they’re really lucid dreams because I don’t feel like I control them. But I’m aware that they’re dreams when I’m having them. :person_shrugging:

Rituals:
GCP :heavy_check_mark:
A’s altar - short meditation

Dreams:
I don’t remember much…

1 Like

15 Feb 2022

Overall mood:
A Little rushed - I have a rare social engagement :eyes:

Studies:

  • René Schwaller de Lubicz - zoned out quite a bit… I’ll have to review it.
  • Mythology - Cupid and Psyche - it was Valentine’s Day… a day late.
  • Angelic Hierarchy - just a quick overview… I didn’t know that in Michaelis’ Classification of Demons Asmodeus is listed as a fallen Seraphim.

Rituals:

  • GCP :heavy_check_mark:
  • A’s altar - cleaned it, made offerings, meditated.
  • Meditation - established what I want my intention to be when I do my full moon ritual.
    Asmoday was incredibly helpful to soundboard off of. I realized that in learning how things work out for others I end up coveting their journeys. That doesn’t honor Asmoday or my connection to him.
    I need to let go of that lust of other’s personal stories. I can appreciate their journey, I can be a fan of their journey, it doesn’t need to take away from me. If I don’t make comparisons and therefore make it about me, I can establish being more present when getting to know others.
    Above all I will better maintain gratitude in my personal journey.

Dreams:
Dreamed about Lilith but again didn’t remember any details at all. I just knew she’d been in my mind/dream.

Then I had a work dream…it was about a client I no longer work with, a coworker that retired and my current manager.
We were going up and down stairs but the client was having issues. I was training my coworker and manager on how to handle this client concerning his behavioral tendencies.

I woke up briefly trying to remember what was going on in the Lilith dream. (I’ve established pretty close connection to Lilith, verified it’s her, I just don’t communicate that often…)
I must have fallen asleep with some sort of intention to establish connection…

I dreamed she was lying in bed with me. But I was curious where Asmodeus was… I could sense his energy in the room but I couldn’t pinpoint where exactly he was.
Lilith teased that we could get his attention better… it turned into a sex dream.
For the sake of brevity I won’t describe it in detail but… Holy wow!

When it was done I thought this couldn’t be what she was trying to talk to me about.
After a moment I found myself in the kitchen at the stove frying sausages… Lilith give me short lesson on lucid dreaming… she told me to cook the sausages.
I just looked at them, concentrated on visualizing them as cooked.
Lilith picked one up from the frying pan and bit into it. It was cooked but didn’t seem overly delectable.
I thought maybe I could verify if she was really there. So I ordered her to turn into a bird.
She disappeared from my left side and reappeared on my right side.
She said, “You didn’t really want me to turn to a bird did you?”

I wasn’t sure… of course I would like it if she was really there… but maybe that desire to actually have a present blocked her from turning into a bird.
I went back to concentrating on cooking the sausages so that the skin was crisp and the meat inside would be juicy.
Lilith picked up another sausage and took a bite of that sausage, I heard the snap of the crisp skin and the juice dripple down her chin.

Again I said that this couldn’t be what she wanted to talk to me about.
Lilith told me to establish connection with her as I showered after waking up. Then I woke up.

Addendum:
I took time to connect with Lilith while showering.
I think it maybe a good time to ritualize connecting with her since I devote so much of my thought/practice to Asmodeus.

As I showered I thought of how Lilith would be embodied in regular human form… she’d be proud of her body no matter what. She’s not the sort to bow to convention. As I thought of her, I appreciated my own body more.

Then I thought of the vessels we create for entities - whether it’s an urn full of precious jewels/items, a skull or a simple stone; each vessel is considered precious.
They honor their vessels, I need to honor mine.
Thank you for the lesson, Lilith! :white_heart:

1 Like

16 Feb 2022

Overall mood:
Ok - My Mom is in the hospital. I haven’t heard a status update.
I am trying to avoid catastrophic thinking - or jumping to conclusions about what it would be like to actually have to talk to my sister or see the rest of my family. (I’m estranged from my family except for my Mother) The thought of interacting with my family stresses me out… The maze of drama is heavy.

Studies:

  • Lilith - in Mesopotamia mythology
  • Astral projection/travel

Rituals:
GCP :heavy_check_mark:
A’s altar - cleaned, meditated

Dreams:
I don’t recall anything except the general idea of being with Asmoday.

2 Likes

17 Feb 2022

Overall mood:
Decent - my Mom will be going home tomorrow, she was low on sodium.

  • Visiting my husband now, it’s always comforting to be around him.

Personal Note:
Now that I worked on this public journal throughout the last waxing moon phase, I wondered if I could stop keeping it.
I meditated on Asmoday for an answer. My argument was that I’ve been learning the habit of daily journaling, so maybe it doesn’t have to be public anymore.
To my chagrin his recommendation is to continue this journal publically.
I know there are benefits to facing my discomfort… maybe it’s even getting me used to the idea of making a space where I claim more of my inner truth/spiritual journey.
I’m such a private person - talking about any of this stuff anywhere in anyway is big thing for me.
Oh well… I trust him so I’ll see where this goes.

Studies:
Took a break…

  • Started Baal Kadmon’s course on the 72 demons.
  • Reread East of the Sun, West of the Moon - Norwegian folklore. It was one of my favorites when I was a kid.

Rituals:
Full Moon Ritual :heavy_check_mark:
GCP :heavy_check_mark:
A’s altar - cleaned, more offerings made, meditated.

Dreams:
Dreamt I was working the evening shift. I was getting off work at 10:00 p.m. finishing my journaling. My husband (home from living at a care facility) was living with me again and at home waiting for me. Suddenly it was midnight, I was 2 hours late.
My manager was working the night shift, and was playing old school SNES Mario Kart.
She was on the Rainbow Road course, so I stayed to watch her drive Rainbow Road. :laughing: After that it was 2:00 a.m. and I was now 4 hours late going home.
I said goodbye to my boss and went outside. The sun was already rising and I was really surprised to see the sun rising at 2:00 a.m…

Then the dream shifted to me trying to get to a new hospital my husband was staying in. It looked to be in an ancient city or at least had architecture of an ancient city.
I got to his medical appointment and they were taking his weight. They took my weight too, then I left. My husband remained at the hospital.
As I was walking through the city a song by Selena Quintanilla started to play, “Where Did the Feeling Go?”
At the chorus everyone on the street started singing along, belting it out. It felt very random.

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17 Feb 2022

Random Reflection:
With my mother in the hospital the last couple days, I thought about what would happen if she passed away…

I remember wishing to be 100% removed from my family before my father died. When my mom dies I’m certain that wish will be granted.
It’s not that my family is all bad, it’s just that everything is so colored by the myth of my sister and my father.
Especially my father… but the fallout between my sister and I was rather “public” in the family so…

I have a very large family and there are certain cousins and aunts that I click with I just… I don’t want to deal with any of it.
All I really wanted was my sister, and when I didn’t get her I tossed the whole entire idea of family away.

When it comes to the idea of even trying to build bridges again I highly doubt that there’s many to be built… Especially my father’s side.

But I digress… I had been thinking about what would happen when my Mother passes away…
My father passed away in 2011 and I had my psychic senses blocked…
But in 2018 when my spirit guide/Asmoday knock down the “psychic” door… one of the things I was most paranoid about was somehow being open to hearing from my father.

My father was emotionally and mentally abusive to both my sister and I. But he was sexually abusive to my sister. He was also well loved in the community and by the family. So my sister and I pretty much grew up in his shadow world.
My Mother didn’t really bear witness to it since she worked the evening shifts. I pretty much only saw her on the weekends.

Luckily I never encountered the spirit of my father and I rarely ever dream of him. When he does appear my dreams I find it disturbing and uncomfortable…
There are few dreams that I had of my father while my psychic senses have opening… I’d asked Asmodeus if it really been my father. He always said no - not to worry.
But I had this odd conversation with Asmodeus on this topic last night…

Me: I wonder if any of my deceased family members have ever tried to reach out to me.
A: They have.
Me: If or when they tried to reach me… do they encounter you?
A: Yes, they do.
Me: What happens when they encounter you?
A: They feel as if they are trapped.
Me: You’re intimidating to them?
A: Yes…
Me: And then what happens?
A: They become… more… tempting…
Me: Tempting? What…Do you feed off their fear or something?
A: Maybe…
Me: What do you mean by tempting?
A: You’ll see…
Me: My father… has he ever encountered you?
A: he laughed a little Yes, he has before.
Me: What happened?
A: He was trying to get closer, but I blocked him.
Me: Ever since he passed away I’ve never felt his presence.
A: silence
Me: If my mother dies and she tries to reach me in the spiritual realm, what would happen?
A: She would try to find you, if she can. She’d have to find a way…
Me: What happens when they encounter you while they’re trying to to reach me?
A: It’s dangerous.

Maybe I can get more insight if I ask him about it again.

I’ve had inklings of feeling clients that I’ve worked with when they passed away… I’ve even had dreams about them. But I have never ever felt family after they’ve passed away.
I’ve heard Asmodeus can be very protective. But I don’t really know what to think of it.

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18 Feb 2022

Overall mood:
Pretty good

Studies:

  • Reviewing meditation techniques with the hubby.

Rituals:
GCP :heavy_check_mark:
A’s altar - cleaned, meditated, made new offerings.

  • Did a longer meditation, didn’t feel like it was draining my energy or anything but once the meditation was done I was very tired and I ended up taking a nap for about an hour.

Practice:

  • Tried C. Kendall’s ritual to get your magic name. It was successful.

Dreams:
Had a weird dream about… I think they were zombie dinosaurs.
All I really remember was being in a safe room with some other people and killing these dinosaurs (they look like small raptors) by crushing their skulls.
There were others outside the safe room that seemed hesitate to come in, they didn’t want to challenge us.
We were flaunting the fact that we had killed these zombie dinosaurs. We weren’t feeling threatened by either the dinosaurs or this group outside.

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