Hello you all. First of all, sorry for my english, I’m not a native speaker.
So, here we are. Several months ago I was writing my presentation right in this forum, talking about Lucifer and how I would feel attracted to and all my working step-by-step to grow up my spiritual journey.
I was a young woman just entered in her thirties, a self-employed worker in a limo company with her family, almost graduated in psychology, living in a home with two cats and struggling with an addiction which I felt unbreakable and too strong to be fought.
I was looking for something new, new ways of thinking, a self dicovery, something that could show me new ways and change my life, make me evolve to something new.
So, as I wrote in my first post, I started my journey and I tried to contact Lucifer.
I was getting some results, good ones; I was starting to feel energies that make me faint or fall asleep during my sigil sessions, sense electric tickles in the night and other events that you know better than me.
Then, I had the shake-up in my life I was looking for.
Of course, not in the way I was expecting….
The first to go was the money. I found my self broken, I mean TOTALLY broken, at the point I had to choose to fed myself or my kitty cats (and I always had chosen to fed them).
Of course this lack of money didn’t came out of nowhere: a partner of us just disappeared without paying us and, at the same time, my brother went crazy and started to spend money we couldn’t afford and we still don’t know why. But it happened really too fast.
Then, I lost my home.
I was living in my uncle’s home paying rent, bills and all while he was living in South America with his wife and niece. He usually come back alone once a year to see us and his friends and I alway left him the home for staying and went to my parents, that was a good deal for both of us.
He came for a month in July, nothing wrong with it.
But in February, out of nowhere, he decided to come back again.
When my father told me I was bored but not surprised, I knew he was having an hard time with his wife, but the same evening I heard a thought in my head telling me that my uncle was coming to kick me out of the house and should be better for me to pack my stuff immediately to avoid problems and waste of time doing it later.
As usual I though I was just being paranoid.
So I didn’t pack, I just take a few clothes, my cats, and went to my parents’ house with the idea to spend only a month there.
How naive I was.
My uncle came to me a week after his arrival and told me I was out of the house, without any other explanation. Just like that. And he’s still living in south america, but he took the house from me. Out of nothing.
That was hard for me.
I first lost my economic independence, then my house.
With the money, I lost also my goal, graduating as psychologist: you can study by yourself without money, but you can’t pay university’s taxes.
And my home, my personal space, my routine, my places.
And my self-esteem: imagine yourself at 31 years old, with no money, with no degree despite all the effort you made, getting back to your parents’ house after 8 years of independence: I was feeling like a shit.
I started to work as a waitress and a bartender during the day and working to get the limo company back on his feet in evenings and weekends, but all of this wasn’t really easy.
Despite all my previous effort to evolve in the occult and leave behind that mindset of impotence I grow up with -like a lot of human beings- I was living in despair, feeling powerless, helpless, a human failure.
I thought about killing my self and other stuff like that.
I tried to cope getting back my meditation and my sigil work.
I had no space left, my parents’ home is tiny, so I tried to take advantage of the situation offering to do the closing and to substitute the cleaner who was ill at the time, in order to stay alone after 8pm.
But that was not a safe space, a lot of people passing outside, the keeper always checking and I knew the owner could came at any hour.
No concentration at all, and to much fear to be founded with strange symbols, black candles and so on.
I live in Rome and this is a catholic country, and even the atheists have some catholic belief inside of them and the “Oh my god satan is so bad” fear. I was too afraid to be found out.
So, no good results at all.
Then I lost one of my cat, my favourite one.
That left me really destroyed, more than losing my home.
I really love that fat, furry little asshole.
The third day from his disappearances I did one of my last sigil “work”, something really pathetic I’m not proud of.
I don’t remember a lot of that evening, just that I cried and whined like a little girl and begged without any dignity.
I got my kitty back the day after.
I gained back my cat but then I lost my friends.
I don’t know why but they just stopped to call and avoided all my request to hang out without go in some pub (I was very broke), as I always did when was one of them to have money problem, and I found my self alone.
I tried to work with sigils just a couple of time, then I stopped, I was too near to be discovered, the cafe was not a safe space, even in the evening.
The only strange events that happened to me was feeling to be choked during the night some time after the cat, between March and April, and I don’t remember anything else about that night, and another though in July, suggesting me to cut all my hair because that woman in the mirror wasn’t me anymore.
And my own evolution was just starting.
I always feared my brother’s opinion on me, to fight him, in my childhood he had been my worst bully. Then - and I admit to feel guilty about this, even if I shouldn’t - I stabbed him in the back, founded another company and took all the customers from the old one in order to check the money and manage the job and forced my family to stay with me. Then forced my brother to join me under my rules or look for another job.
He joined me, without joy and with a lot of grudge, but he did.
At this point I stopped totally to work on my spiritual grow, I had no space, I had no concentration, I was breaking my back working two jobs without a single day of rest, and I mean it. Not a single day of rest.
I was struggling with an addiction longer than 3years; and even if I had some money back to spend on my cravings I didn’t do it. I’m not struggling with it, and leave it behind was so easy because that craving didn’t belong to me anymore.
I became more aggressive and assertive, I still fear people’s opinion but less than I ever did.
I left behind all my previous belief and I’m slowly analysing and trying to smash all my current belief, and of course I’m not the same woman anymore, even people from my past life don’t recognise me.
This is not the end of my path, it’s just the beginning. I asked for a shift and I had it.
It has been a terrible shift, full of suffering, but if I had the chance to come back and change things… I would change NOTHING.
All this suffering taught me a lot and and all the suffering and the despair and the helpless feelings I went through were worthy of that.
I still have a lot to work on my self, and now I feel I can truly begin.
In the present time, I worked so hard I have money again, not for an house yet, but I have for all the rest.
Like a month ago, I felt ready to resume my studying on books (and thank you for all the books suggestion I found here) and my working on my spiritual abilities again.
Just a little bit of meditation and sigil working. It’s not easy without a personal space and little time of privacy but I try.
Often the frustration wins, it’s like starting to go to the the gym again after several months of stop, you know, and if you have only one hour or less even concentrate for a tiny meditation is hard.
And I’m paying the price of all this months working without rest: I’m always tired, sleepy, with few energies. My body is telling me to slow a little bit.
But, as I wrote above, that is the point where I truly begin, step by step like a year ago but with a different mindset and skills, not only working to meditate but to recognise my belief, my right-hand path’s mindset, my inner feeling of being powerless, and all the way I’m reading and feeling the world. Without changing that inside my head I will never have any real results.
Maybe this could sound totally crazy but I am really grateful for this shift in my life. I am, truly. And I know it could be worst.
Thank you for reading all this wall of text, all the opinions, suggestions and critics will be very appreciated.