Fuck, life has been weird as of recently. I feel like I’ve been in a constant stand still. I fell put of my meditation habit so I firat plan to work on that.
But yeah. Fuck people. Fuck this company I work for. Fuck this entire year. I need a damn break from everything where I can sort some shit out.
Couldnt sleep last night, laid in bed untill 4 am and woke up at 7:30 am. I’m completely exhausted and have 0 motivation. Just the Same as the last 3 months of life have been. Wake up, work untill I cant see straight. Eat and goto sleep to do it all over again.
Ok so things have been really weird for me as of recently.
So its been roughly 1 month since my deep depression just mysteriously lifted. I know what I believe to be the cause and ill get into that later.
What I came here to talk about today is my current struggle. So as I stated above my depression went away. Or whatever was holding me down and in place. I have been so unhappy for the last few years which is characteracly inaccurate for the typical me. It was even worse as of 2020. But now, its just gone and I find myself struggling with how to actually be happy. Its been so long im not sure how to feel.
Currently I’m sitting here waiting for the hammer to drop and everything to go back to the draggs. Has anyone else experienced anything similar where your in an altered state for so long that it becomes the norm?
Yesterday I was having a very hard day. I was struggling to keep my anger in check. At one point I was moments away from losing it. I closed my eyes and gently pressed my fists into my eye sockets. Nothing painful or anything, just to kinda blot out my face and honestly I’m not sure why I did, never done this before. I took a deep breath. And noticed white orbs within my vision, they all floated around my peripheral vision. As I exhaled a noticed some of the orbs stopped shining or went away. I felt a little ease. I continued to take long and slow breaths and on a exhales orbs would go out. By the time all the orbs left my vision I was completely calm.
I was not trying to achieve this. Ive never had this happen before. And I’m not sure what the hell happened. Anyone experienced or know of anything like this?
I finally made my mala and im really happy with how it turned out.
Not sure if you’re still around @anon88521623 but I said like 6 months ago when I bought all my beads. That i would show you what I ended up creating. Well my skull beads showed up on Tuesday.
I’ve also started working on creating my own dream catcher. I’ve been told this could help me with dream retention. Since I’m shit at remembering my dreams. Ive spent so long now trying to not remeber them. Now that I want to I cannot.
So this was the first Halloween where I did a ritual. It was actually the first where my wife did a ritual too!
Is it possible that I could be undergoing a form of shadow work without knowing it? I’m pretty certain lilith has been popping up just to show me sides of myself I either need to exercise or be accepting of. Maybe its just reaching for something I wish was there. Im honestly not certain.
I promise I used the search feature, and I found a shit load of returns for shadow work. My issue is all of them are people asking random questions about it and im struggling to find a full tutorial on it. Now you may be asking yourself “is he blind”. Short answer, probably… but if you’ve seen the tutorial a million times do me a solid and link it. Please.
So its officially been a month since I have felt that depression. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had some hard days. But those were just that, bad days. Its all went away the night I tried DMT. From my research this seems to be a common outcome for people with depression. The trip you take becomes a reboot for your brain and it goes back to its last good saved state.
Could this all be caused by me mentally manifesting better emotions and nothing to do with that trip. Sure, But fuck it! I’m not fixing it if its not currently broken. I’m just greatful to be happy… also kinda not sure how to feel/act since I’ve been depressed and sad for so long. Its a really weird feeling. As I used to consider myself a happy person untill the last 4-5 years.
Ok so for anyone curious about what I saw on dmt, not much but let’s go into it.
So the people I took this experience with kinda just came out of no where into my life. Took a trip to Colorado to buy cheap weed lol, judge away! The place we had planned on staying fell through last minute. Luckily one of the guys who came with had a good friend in Colorado Springs. So this friend ended up being heavy into dmt and meeting the clockwork elves. Very cool people and welcoming, I instantly felt at home with them.
He knew all about its chemical compound, how its naturally harvested, what drugs its used in and so on. He was well versed, hadnt met someone who took their drugs so seriously. So I felt like he knew enough to comfortably try it. Let’s refer to him as shaman.
So that night we took a ride on his couch lol, with this you have to take a minimum of 3 deep inhales. I was laughing while taking mine. Because of what his mom said before I started. She said it feels like your going to sleep for a surgery. I 100% felt the wa-wa’s start setting in. I saw a bright light and a mat black circle started to over take the white light. The black came from my peripheral vision and quickly overcame the light.
I remember my head falling backwards and me just laughing due to the wa-wa’s. My eyes were closed and I was hearing voices all around me. I remember feeling a constant pour of energy overcoming my body and a very heavy feeling. I could swivel my head back and forth and open my eyes. There were two girls sitting across from me chatting. I opened my eyes and the one girl directly across from me was just staring at me. I was very uncomfortable and didn’t know why I was being looked at. I closed my eyes, when I closed my eyes I was able to see still somewhat see the two girls who sat across from me. I started looking around my vision looked like an old timie photo, just as we were coming up with our first color photos. Very monochromatic (I think that’s what its called).
The guy who was in charge got everyone around me under control and everyone stopped staring at me. So I started looking over everyone. It was then I heard someone tell the people around me to hush and watch me as I was changing( ive asked multiple times and everyone has confirmed that this was never said). I then felt all eyes turn to me and the energy and weight pressing down started. I felt as I was sinking into my seat slightly as the pressure started to rise. Not painful at all just a noticeable press against my body. It was then that my vision changed. I could see everyone around me that was there before I took the dmt, but there were now silhouettes around me swaying and watching me. When my vision changed (I feel like it was my astral sense opened) I could see everyone in their godform for a lack of a better word. Everyone was a grayish color, all shading was enhanced and wasn’t just black but purple. All highlighted areas were a neon green. I was smiling and happy through this entire experience. Most everyone I saw had a demonic look to them which felt comforting. My friend D, he looked like he should have been a lead singer of a rock band. A Johnny bravo esk hairstyle and a similar shapped beard gave him a man on the moon look with leather and spikes lol.
My heart was racing to the point I had to calm myself or suffer a panic attack. The mother then came over to me. I saw her in a flowing silk see through dress not like her nude or anything. It was shades of pink orange and red with gold trim. She had a glow around her. She was the only person around that wasn’t shrouded in darkness. I was instantly drawn to her. I was trying my best not to stare. She wasn’t an old woman by any means but I believe what I saw was still a younger version of her. It was a stunning sight, her face she had dark dark racoon eye makeup that looked like she took her fingers and wiped down from the dark makeup creating streaks over her cheeks. I was trying my best not to just stare at her, she felt familiar like somebody I am very close to had inhabited her body.
I looked up at shaman, he was just a floating head engulfed in black flames. I could still hear him hushing people. I continued to look around enjoying the visuals.
I enjoyed about 5 more minutes of this watching peoples smiles grow sinister and sharp.
I was recorded during this but I have a 7 minute window in the begining were I have no memories of. I was laughing in the video, I would occasionally open my eyes and giggle then close them again. I have no idea what happened or what I saw during this time. All my memories are of after the goddess sat next to me.
Per the usual I have issues remembering any dream I have.
What I know that DMT is a natural chemical produced naturally from your third eye~pineal gland.
Only when your third eye is properly stimulated trough daily and regular spiritual practices.
Depression is often a resultations trough spiritual influences by vile parasitic entity’s. Negative more traumatized subcounces mind influencing your Counces mind (It can pile up trough many lifetimes~reincarnation expiriences).Unhealed emotional stuff. Resulting in Closed not only third eye but many Chakras.
And a dorment spiritual snake and level.
If you are ingesting DMT trough outer means and that often and long enough it is like you are taking the natural ability from your pineal gland away for producing that DMT naturally.
You are basicly I know it sounds harsh crippling yourself. This organ will degenerate trough that.
I am generally against drugs and its use for so called spiritual growth trough these means it only leads nowhere but spiritual decay really.
Nature doesn’t run that way. You can’t skip steps for your spiritual or any progress really.
Some example is like trough my own expirience. If you are mentally ill and get predescribed drugs for that these drugs often only heal the symptoms but not the root cause. If you are only taking the drug and don’t do any real mental spiritual work besides it. You are basicly depending on this shit. When you stop taking it the workplace in your head shows up again… And vola her we go nuts again.(+Side effects if you are taking it)
I lost relatives trough that this person can’t go back even if it is doing spiritual mental work the person waited and wasted his time for to long…
Even if they weren’t sick they got sick trough these drugs thus depending.(In the spectrum of psychotic drugs and such)
The more time passes the older you get the percentage of getting healed faster trough own means sinks especially if you are not that spiritual and anything besides that in top form.
And are still struggling.
I suggest that one detoxifys oneself for a specific and long Period of time from many intoxicating thinks such as any type of drugs really even coffee and cigarettes. Stimulating Musik, meat, etc etc to really get one’s dopamine regulator also in check.
We are here brothers and sisters who are struggling for spiritual growth.At least i see it that way.
This is only my suggestion.
You can do whatever you want.
But do consider this.
I think you have mistaken what I said. Ive only every tried it once and that has been over a month ago.
Nice.
But well I mean sorry if you allready know that.
Hmm maybe I will repost this extra…
Should I delete it?
Nah you’re fine, its a good warning for anyone who stumbles across this.
Ok this is an update from wen. I was working on exiting my body. I was going through the process of putting my body asleep. Here recently I’ve been taking a lot more time on relaxing my body. Instead of just doing the whole head ive been breaking it down into sections like, eyes, jaw, cheeks forehead and so on. This is taking me a lot longer now but I feel in the end this will be more beneficial. It may take me a while to do it now but my goal is to be able to go back to doing just the head but when I do that. I will hit all of those locations at once knowing how each should feel completely relaxing.
Well I think it’s paying off finally. So on wen might when I was doing this I started getting audible sensations of wood and metal wind chimes clinging. Each time the sound would come it would push me deeper into a trance.
The really odd part about this is I started at my head and by the time I was moving to me shoulders I was getting bombarded by that sound.
Should I be starting with my feet and working up?
So ive started reading from S. Connolly. I have really enjoyed the way she writes. I enjoy the break down of holidays and rites. Im a little over half way through the complete book of demonolarty. Most of the first half was info I mostly knew but always some gems hidden in the dirt if you search hard enough.
Im just starting to get into the real meat and potatoes of the book, I hope it doesn’t disappoint. I don’t feel like it will.
Here in the last couple of months I have felt s profound change shifting inside of me. A lot of the doubts I’ve had that have been holding me back have all mostly sloffed off. A lot of my understanding is getting more filled in day by day. My senses are there im just starting to pick up on what im actually seeing, understanding and hearing. Its been a really fun last month.
I’ve been studying myself a lot recently. Trying to critique myself more. I have a lot more faults that I care to admit and it sucks having them shoved in your face. Growth amiright lol.
I have been trying to judge myself by the same standards I judge everyone else and im not totally cool with what im finding. I havent done any shadow work but I think im going to need to.
I do this pretty non stop. But I guess I’ve already been doing it for the past year. I try and break down moments where I feel I acted in a manor that requires questioning my own actions. Was i just yelling for no reason, did I just break something. Am I buying stuff I don’t need. Really just anything I did I didn’t like.
I’ve been breaking those down and trying to figure out why I did whatever. What I was feeling. Just trying to understand why I am the way I am. And what I can do differently in those situations next time.
Guess I’ve been doing a form of it
Sounds like you have been. Not a deep intensive style, but a take it as you go approach is not wrong, if it works for you.
Im going to find a book on it so I can learn a more intensive method than what I am currently doing. Its been a nice start and it helps me in the moment.
I’ve been scouring the internet for beads, charms, furs and feathers to use on my dream catcher. I’ve decided im going to hang it differently, instead of hanging it from one point and letting the hoop hang vertically. Im going to hang it from 3 points so hangs horizontal. You’ll have to look up at it to see the webbing.
I plan on hanging it over my head where I sleep so when I lay on my back I should see the webbing with streamers and shit hanging.
I doubt I’ll leave it with this exact setup. But this is how I want it to hang. So when I look up ill see the webbing.
I’ve recently been reaching out and making contact with king Mammon and Furcas. Im really enjoying the current direction in which my life is headed.
I’m glad to hear that your depression has been lifted.
Shrooms had that effect on me. Shortly after, I started researching Demons and magick.
Last night I was out in my garage enjoying the music and moment. I stopped to give thanks for all the positive changes I’ve been having and going through. Also for the lessons I’ve learned in the hard times too.
For me visualization is a bit of a process. I think of it as layers. I see my environment and I start adding layer on top of layer of more and more definition. Its my current process and so far it works for me.
The first thing I noticed was a man in a light brown almost grey robe that went all the way down to his feet. I didn’t need to look up as I knew who this was. I instantly rush in to embrace them and thank them. The huge was quick and also returned. I then knelt to start to speak my thanks. I need to note that through all of this I instantly stopped my layering process and my entire environment just disappeared. But he was in fine detail. Down to the point that I could see the square stitches in the robes. It was then I noticed he was a little off from normal. Not in a bad way but totally unexpected. The details in him were so magnificent that I was kinda taken back for a moment. It was then that I looked up to meet his face. He did not have the normal face I am used to seeing, no long black flowing hair, no chiseled features. This time he had a laughing goats head. I tried to change it as I was no prepaired for it. I couldn’t. I had no power of visualization like I normally do. I then saw an owl with their wings spread. The owls next then started to rapidly extend to about a foot long. The head and neck wiped around erratically sorts like a wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube man.
After that I popped out of my visualization. I enjoyed the sensation so I tried to go right back. Ofc nothing was the same.
So yesterday was here and gone before I even knew it. I got up late due to sat night D&D. I played a random short session of D&D again with another group of friends who are all new to it. Then I had a friend over for a bit. My wife made Italian beef sammiches!! I opened my book to start reading. Next thing I know it’s 10pm and my wife is waking me up face down in my book. I vaguely remember moving from desk to bed. I went back to sleep and woke up at 8 am. I slept for about 14 hours…
