I’m in more psychic pain today than I’ve been in a very long time. I’ve studied, and applied as much as I know to. At times over complicating, at others finding resolute faith. Each period taught me some wonderful philosophy for life. But I’m beginning to lose my flame. The changes I wanted most still seem unfettered, though my disbelief has been hung and replaced with a whimsical spirit of possibility. I am feeling weaker, and weaker as time goes on and I am forced to live in a world of stark contrast to that which I have imagined.
The one whom I still love, I find myself unable to permanently let go of. No matter who I am with, or how long I keep my focus away, I want to be with her. It haunts me, these visions of us. The music I make, while I believe it to be my greatest quality, seems stunted in its growth by my current living conditions. Those who I once considered my closest friends consider me anathema. And while I’ve been blessed with life, I am finding myself wishing for its end.
And so, I am here, again. Whether to express this feeling effectively to gain insight, or to ramble sorrowfully in hope of gaining some attention or help, I cannot tell. But this darkness is heavy on my heart. And I miss feeling powerful.
I have gained much through this journey, though at times I fear it was only internal. This has undeniable value, but I ache to see my world change externally. In my current position, without the world-bending magick I was taught to exist, I see no right way forward. I see no lever to pull.
If there are any out there capable of helping me bridge this gap in my mind, or helping me find some success, I’m begging you to offer your help. I know I have developed a tendency to be somewhat vague. But it is a tendency built from the experience of being vulnerable too often.
Anyway, much love to all.
May your dreams come to you fruitfully, without effort, and without sin.