Journal of A Madman

Dear FraterMagni,

I like what i read.
I myself, consider the “can i look into my own eyes” test to be the best tool,
for checking if i’m in allignement with my ethical Standards.
Which again, helps to make the ugly Monsters of Darkness,
to be less ugly and more helpful.

Also, Kybalion is a very good way to work such Things through.
Just Remember, you do These Things for yourself.

And -i have a hard time here too - Keep remininding yourself,
to sometimes just go outside, and do ANYTHING,
that brings you into new ideas, new situations,
just to give your life, and your mind that Little Infusion
of “well, didn’t notice that before”.

It kinda helps with the Manifestation side of it aswell.
You have to see the Options, to choose one of them. :wink:

Oh by the way, it reminds me of a technique i like to share.
We all tend to Focus ourselfes for Long periods of time into one type of perception.
And in western Systems that’s mostly Point-Focus.
Try to “broud your view” - activly choosing to look towards the outer Corners of your eyes.
It helps with de-focusing from many Things,
just see it a way of forgetting the small Picture, and seeing the bigger one instead.
you can also use this with magick,
when combined with breath.
except, there it goes a Little like:
Breathing in = Pulling energy from the inside, and letting go of the Point your Vision focused on.
Breathing out = Pushing the Energy through your Body, outwards, like a bubble into all directions.

I use These a lot, for area spells,
basicly when i evoke, i fill the area with energy that way, which then can be used by the deitys to join the space.
-however, that’s instant magick, done without a circle…

So adjust as you Need!

Keep up the good Work!

Kindest Regards,



Sunday April 9th- I didn’t have the time to put this entry down on the day that it all actually occurred but so be it. The curse from my previous entries has been spider webbing and it keep getting worse for the recipient. It’s a small comfort. Lately my mind has been on my nature. Why I always sabotage myself and my relationships unwittingly. Seems to happen by itself. It was even worse before I got into magick. I’ve been meditating on being kinder to my loved ones. On not being a swirling tornado of destruction, destroying everything that comes close. I’ve also been working on my self love. Seems like this year starting in September has been one big dark night of the soul. Luckily, most dark nights of the soul usually have some sort of wonderful insight at the end. Been feeling like an outsider still. Similar to a monster. The Creature from Penny Dreadful mirrors my feelings almost exactly.


Just a thought, if you want a person who has more conversational material and ability, try the nerdy section of humanity. Often they also believe in the things science can’t measure yet. I highly recommend science nerds, just be careful to find the ones that are not religiously atheistic or something.


Well I know like me being into BDSM I can find local groups who meet for brunches and what not.
Also, i like to ride bikes as in harleys. I have a few friends I ride with. Who are with BACA ( bikers against child abuse)

I think if you can find some type of group that does something that you are interested in. You would meet someone you would find more interesting.

And at the least have friends to hang with. And not feel so shut out.


Monday April 10th- Had a terribly stressful day. Anything that could go wrong did. But getting home and meditating felt amazing. Watched an episode of Dexter where he meets his “twin flame” named Hannah and cried. When I was watching that I wished so badly to have something like that. Someone who understood who I am and accepted me. My close friends and family do but anytime I enter a relationship it ends badly so often that it becomes a little comedic. But I’ve been noticing a difference in my attitude, outlook, motivation, and patience. I think I’m actually getting somewhere. Need to hold out. Keep growing and improving.


What a interesting journal :open_mouth:
~I’ll join your “insanity” ^^

By the way: THAT is crazyness (if you ask me)

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I remember all those people to who i came pretty close, but than a profanity killed it…
(or a sigil which didn’t worked how i wished :rage: )
or in another case was it the narcissistic nature of that woman, who lied to me and played games with me.

When i’m reading some of your lines, i get the feeling to know pretty good what you mean :open_mouth:

But a thing i have discovered:
The sith were right! Somehow does rage make stronger and more precise.

P.S.: Don’t fear the demon inside of you :3 …

(Don’t judge me for the picture, i drawned it back in 2013 and i have somewhat developed in the time since :stuck_out_tongue: )


Tuesday April 11th- Been feeling a lot better. Feel motivated again. Still depressed but I always am somewhat depressed. It feels good to feel normal again. My friend (same one I had an altercation with) confided in me that he too has been feeling depressed. We talked for an hour and I shared with him some tips on dealing with the illness. He really appreciated it. It felt good making amends for being a dick. I’ve been working on my mental health and personal success in ritual and I’ve just been feeling quite good today.


First: it seems so damn wrong to me to give those posts of depression a big fat “like” D:

Second: Check for the techniques as shown in “Ardeth - The Made Vampire”
~I’m currently in chapter two, but i can say: “Its like becoming e real life sith!”

The first steps are made in order to accomplish a state in which you are the observer of your emotions, and the effect of those emotions(energies in motion) to you body, mind and internal feeling. ~Later do you learn to use those emotions consciously, in order for some effect to occur,
like: to fuel your strength in combat, to study more efficient, or to calm you self during an evocation. (Or to make your self kinda like “loaded”/“charged” during bedroom activity :stuck_out_tongue:

Even if you are not buying the lines about the Ardetha, you can still use those techniques mentioned in the book. :wink: *I found it also as a .pdf ^^

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Interesting. The name of my book/blog just happens to be The Anacostia Diaries: The Rants of a Madman. Coincidence?


What’s the book/blog about?

Some ramblings about my life, questions about politics, reality and religion etc. Mostly political rants about poverty, class etc. Weirdly prophetic at times. It is available at the site that is named after a bunch of warrior women and a rainforest.

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Friday March 14th- Today I spent some time in nature. I hiked and climbed some cliffs and meditated. I also asked some of my close allies within the spiritual realm for advice that I’ll be sharing soon in a separate post. It was a rejuvenating experience. I also spent some time with my dad and smoked cigars. Lately I’ve been dealing with the depression with meditation and positivity. I feel like it’s going to it’s normal state. On Monday I’ll be spending time with friends including some female acquaintances. I’ve learned one thing from this dark night of the soul. I learned that knowledge is like a medicine. It feels good to learn. The other day I was depressed and feeling quite bad so I watched a documentary on killer whales and their intelligence. I escaped from my problems and came back with some knowledge. The most useful and important knowledge however, is knowledge of the self and whenever I have these little depression episodes I always learn more about myself.


Saturday April 15th- Spent the day with some friends and decided to hit the town. I saw an attractive girl and approached her. She was a little drunk and basically roasted me. Thinking about it now, it was pretty funny. I just told her to sober up or something snarky like that but she basically pointed out most of my bodily flaws that I feel most insecure about. Normally it wouldn’t bother me but lately staying happy and positive has been a bit of a battle as everyone who’s been reading this journal can tell. I was a little upset and I still feel a little sad but I’m choosing to disregard the bitch. I’m just tired of shit like that happening. It’d just be nice to find someone who thinks that I’m enough. I have to believe that it will happen and in the meantime I’ll just try to live as best a life as I can.


Wow, she sounded like a right bitch. Either that or people are unusually nice where I am.
I’ll be doing my meditations later today, probably be smoothing over my wards and the like. I’ll send some luck your way while I’m at it :slight_smile:

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I truely hope Ive never been that rude to someone. Drunk or not.

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Become better. Do something.

Don’t say something like: “Oh no, i hope i will find “someday” a girl who accepts me even with all those flaws.” Uhm…nope. No god would act like that.

Come on: THATS HOPE, and hope doesn’t satisfy anyone, it just keeps you crawling forward.

HOPE, is the bastard child of WILL, and WILL is all you need.
OR, you look at the sith’s code:

"Peace is a lie, there is only passion.
Due passion i gain strength,
Due strength i gain power,
Due power i gain victory,
Due victory my chains are broken.
The force shall free me."

What “the force” could mean:



I’ll pm you


Friday April 21- I’ve been very busy with everything! I’ve been working out again and work has been really busy. I’ve kind of opened my eyes (shout out to Odin and Vidarr) to one of my biggest personality flaws. I’ve kind of mutated into a so called “nice guy”. If you’re not familiar with the term it’s essentially someone who seeks attention and especially approval from others at all costs. There’s a lot of information on it and how to become better. I’ve begun to dedicate myself to this and I’ve also begun my process of theogenesis (awakening my god form). I’ll be busy but it feels good to have a purpose and challenges again!


I’m happy for you!

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