Journal of A Madman


#1

Monday April 3- Depression seems to be making a nest within my life again. Girls bore me. The one I loved isn’t interested. Magick is my only escape. I’ve got to start taking this breath by breath, day by day, using my magical and mundane talents to slowly dig me out of this hole. Lonely as shit. Tired of never finding anything real. Just tired. Got to focus on magick. Got to focus and getting out of this shit. Friends helping me cope though. Spirits helping me grow. It’s not all bad. But it feels that way deep down. Hopefully something good happens tomorrow. Something to make me feel better. Here’s to hoping that I can dig myself out of this hole without making it deeper. It’s going to improve. FM


#2

Sorry to hear you’re feeling rough. :worried:

If this world fails to play the game, and you need a break from it, make a new one:

Creating an inner sanctuary

Haven’t got any friends handy that you can pour your heart out to right now? You can make them, as well, if necessary:

Creating A “Cabinet Of Invisible Counselors”

Also if you’re feeling swamped, this always helps me:

From “Problem” To Action

And, yeah, sorry to be so mundane, today’s the last day of the UK tax year, up to my ears in paperwork! :nerd:


#3

Thank you Lady Eva. I’ve been told by Freya to just process my pain and get through it. In the meantime I’ll try your inner sanctuary method and working with Hathor and Buer. I’m in a pretty deep hole but there are little rays of sunlight showing. When I’m going through things like this I usually appreciate the little things more like seeing ravens or rain. Little comforts like that. A smile here or there.


#4

I think “depression” is an overused word with too much negative connotations to it. And the deeper the state of sadness and lack of motivation to move on with our lives is, the harder it is to remove the diagnosis stamped on a piece of paper. Life is, sometimes, harsh and tough and a struggle to overcome at a daily basis.

There’s always a choice of how to deal with a lower state of mind, such as depression: Denial or acceptance. If you put a new set of wallpaper on your walls to leave the past behind, the thickness of the layers will eventually fall on it’s weight. Like depression, a wall need maintenance before applying a new set of wallpaper and any trace of the past, might ruin the general view of the room.

Sadness because of certain life situations and how we’re dealing with it, is often rejected by society in general. It’s an oddity to express emotions, just like it’s an oddity to reject it. Where’s the balance in that? How do we effectively move on with our lives, if our expressions - or lack there of - is considered an oddity or a diagnose?

In my opinion, to deal with depression, sadness or a lower state of mind, is to accept the current emotional state you’re in at the moment. Neglecting it, is just putting forward the inevitable, because it will hit you hard and the fall could be messy. Because if you accept your emotional state, it’s easier to start working with yourself, however you do it.


#5

Frater,

I posted some material regarding Naamah. You may wish to use that. And remember, “Never love anything so much you cannot see it die.”

Al.


#6

I suffer from extreme depression at one point it was so bad that i planned everyday how i would kill myself. And have scars on my wrists to prove it.

Journaling, meditations, and Azazel are what pulled me out of those dark days.
I still have days of depression and thats usually when I realize I was neglecting one of those three.
However, everyone is different and needs to heal different.
If you ever need to talk you can reach me here, or my email is arianna_knight@yahoo.com

Just remember your BALG family loves you!

~ arianna :rose:


#7

Maybe time to do some shadow work and clean out all the shit that doesn’t serve you anymore. Hit me up if you need a starting point. :slight_smile:


#8

Thank you all for your replies. They are all very helpful and they do mean a lot.


#9

If you find yourself without any magic to practice and are looking to pass the time, I managed to materialise in nightingale’s ritual place in the past.
I wouldn’t mind seeing if I could manage it again but in a different location.
As for a permanent fix, I have a few meditations and rituals to more or less rebuild yourself from the ground up


#10

I hear you. I suffer from it too. Sometimes even my meds don’t touch it when it is that time of the month for me (sorry if that is TMI). It affects meditation and other things too. But it is clinical and I have dealt with it since adolescence, so I know all the trick that get me back up, but even then some times are too bad to even stand on your own.

It will pass. It always does. I went through a horrible six month depression after a suicide attempt. even that passed, and I thought I would have to live that way forever. Sometimes just pouring my heart out to a spirit I feel is sympathetic really helps, and I have always felt nothing but love and comfort afterwards.

I want you to win dude. You need some fun (even though nothing seems fun) so light up an orange candle and conjure up some good times.


#11

Tuesday April 4- Spent the day off work at home. Slept way too long. Woke up and did a healing ritual with Freyja. Watched Dexter for several hours. Currently planning an evocation of Naamah followed by an evocation of Buer. I’m feeling a little better like the healing must have worked. Going to work tomorrow so I can pay the bills.


#13

Beat the game, Magni.

Find the Prince of Dragons, and he will illuminate this.


#14

Is the prince of dragons Lucifer?


#15

I use magic and daily alcohol to keep myself from being a cold violent person just cold so I understand


#16

Wednesday April 5- Today wasn’t too terrible. I spent some time with some friends at work today and had lunch with them. Later on, I heard from a friend that something terrible had happened to her and it was on my mind (along with my own troubles) the rest of the day. When I finally got home, I began prepping the ritual space for a huge curse that would punish the one who hurt my friend. When night finally fell, I did one of the curses from Baneful magick and filled the room with demons. After releasing both the demons and my hatred upon that scumbag, I cleansed myself and the room and focused on some guided alchemical meditations to turn my “lead” situation into a “gold situation”.


#17

Thursday April 5- Had a pretty swell day today. I watched a curse hit someone before my very eyes. It wasn’t too brutal but the guy got hurt pretty badly. Spent more time with friends and met a new girl (she’s still pretty boring :frowning: ). I’ve been focusing on trying to appreciate the little things and I’ve noticed an improvement. Tonight I’ll be working on my third eye via EA’s power eye video.


#18

Why do you think all these girls are boring? What are you looking for?

Should she be into magick? Be kinky? Have a star wars fetish? Like having public sex?
Like to ride harleys? BDSM? Lime green jello?

Im just curious why they all seem boring to you. What are you searching for?


#19

Just someone who can hold a conversation about something other than work or school. I’ve come to the obvious conclusion that I’ve been chasing the wrong gals.


#20

Then id suggest you pop out to the pub rather than meeting people at work or uni. Or just strike up a conversation with someone, provided you have the charisma for it.


#21

Saturday April 7- I spent the day out of town with some friends and overall had a great day. Met some fellow magicians by chance at a Barnes and Noble. Bought a copy of the Kybalion. Been spending days in meditation trying to figure things out and overcome my little slump. When we parted ways, my friend and I had a little altercation. It was my fault. He wasn’t in the wrong. I hurt someone I consider a brother. He’s not at all bothered and he says no hard feelings but I’m still bothered by it. Since I’ve started working on myself more intensely using meditation and ritual my dark side had begun to rear its ugly face. Things have improved in my situation slightly but I’ve been taking a look in the mirror and I don’t like what I see.