Journal of a DOFUS


It is not going to be easy to function-interact with no thoughts. Sure if I had followed anapanasati type waking meditation, it would have been different. Let’s see, may be I can learn and integrate the process later.


Time to start daily 3 hour hardcore session.



So everybody lies, all gods- all demons and angels, all entities form every pantheon have their own agenda. AND Nobody tells the complete truth and Half-truth is sometimes worse than outright lies. Indeed what a disgusting world. But still everybody has in their heart a sense of -PERFECT GOODNESS- COLLECTION OF ALL THE HIGHER IDEALS IN IT’s ABSOLUTE STATE, from where it cannot increase in degree ! So where does that come from?

Everything is based on lies-half truth. Always valued truth more than anything, any other ideal-concept-God ! But never realized that TRUTH WILL BE SO BITTER, SO CRUEL!!!



You cannot get high enough on POWER, even the state of no-mind, stillness- ENLIGHTMENT isn’t going to be enough. At the end of the day you DO NEED FEW DROPS OF LOVE. Listened from a siddha that each and every particle , atom in existence is constantly screaming for a bit of peace-satisfaction, a bit of love. That’s why libation of water, simplest form of ritual is still so powerful.





It is said that mystics attain to a kind of state of mind where they can keep staring at a rock or blank wall for eternity with the same wonder, attention and rush of bliss that a child who for the first time sees A glassy filled with fire crackers sees-feels !

Can say with certainty that it’s not an overstatement. Hope will get there very soon. The pace is good.



A few strange things happened within last few days. Was bubbling with anger for last few days. Was on the verge of punching the bus conductor just because he slightly touched me from back to ask for money.

Was on the verge of cursing probable the most innocent being in existence just cuz I was angry. Didn’t even ever met him before, just wanted to hurt someone, something truly innocent. Luckily something stopped me choking me from inside, almost physically.

On the other hand have almost lost contact with every friend, don’t pick up calls. Have no relationship with any relatives anymore. ANd guess what, don’t even feel much bad about it.

Shit from deep inside is bubbling up, getting cleansed and again experiencing few hours of almost Samadhi. Sure it will stabilize just within few days, and can keep staring at a blank wall for a whole day with deepest sense of Peace.

But still , there is still a sense of LACK OF POWER !!!



One thing I observed , In What is generally called the Enlightened state, No-Mind, Manomaya, Unmani, Satori etc Thought will never 100% stop. Know many mystics who are as enlightened as The Word Promises, even They won’t be able to Have 100% NO-THOUGHT.

WHY? Cuz for any distraction or anything to do first, a thought about it comes first in the mind and then action follows. If they were really thoughtless then they could fix their attention without flickering a bit for 10-12 hours. And would have become a Demi-God on a daily basis.

I may be wrong here as may be they are always floating on somewhere between Dharana and Dhyana. And never thought of or knew that Samayama can be attained quite effortlessly from that state.

Don’t know, seems like have to consult some seniors to clarify this.



Man If I don’t take the path of Concentration or even Kriya yoga then what remains as an option is The path of Mantra And Tantra. And here anyone can attain success, doesn’t take abnormal control over body and mind. Know the Right Guide here in H.P too .

Really, Goddesses whom I have always revered from childhood
(though was an a half-baked atheist) , Goddesses Who were revered by all my ancestors, I HAVE TO FUCK THEM, HAVE SEX WITH THEM as a spiritual path ???!!!

Not sure which luggage I have brought more in this life? KNowledge, Devotion, Occult or Effort? Well Know someone here Who swang from extreme Knowledge to extreme Occult. Don’t know If Same will happen to me also???



Man, feeling so helpless and angry. What do you do when you find someone so close to you being in such situation. It’s like each and every bone of his has been slowly replaced by Ghoul’s limbs without his knowledge. If you try to get rid of those, he dies. If you kill the ghoul, he dies. That’s why I fucking hate baneful magick.

Feeling like Should kill somebody just to quench it.

Still remember the dream where after bowing down to God I moved away to Vama Tara. Don’t know if this is finally a call from her.



Feeling like crying, after a long long time. When was the last time I cried ? In class 9 , I guess?



A lot happened recently. Lost my best friend in an accident. He was probably the only family I had. Man, can’t believe he just left like this.

On the other hand I think I have finally overcome the dilemma I was in for over a year. To dissolve or to bring Godhood into this body of flesh and blood ? For the later you have to have a lot of things going for you, in a way it is a luxury just to aim for it. And not everyone is that lucky. Still, glad that I have made this far all by my own. There is still four days left to go, let’s see if anything unexpected happens or not?

The fatso’s death gave the last nudge, shouldn’t have any hesitation to take the last breath now. Sure can manage the technique by employing all my resources. Still don’t know which one is a result of grace being permitted A state of Mahasattva or Maharishi or Siddheshwara or allowing to finally rest in Love - Bliss - Everlasting Peace ?!

Glad that I came here, LEARNED A LOT. Goodie Goodie feelings of New Age community had something missing in them. Knowledge/Truth ! Got that here. Indeed as All the scripture says that Occult IS the path in the dark age. But still could not go into the Dark Side. Had enough Darkness since birth, so always longed for a bit of love and peace and grace. Yea, Grace ! Everyone needs it doesn’t matter which Hewlett-Packard Laptop you are fan of.

But sometimes I do wonder Even if my mother was made insane and them killed using Baneful Magick, And my last memory of her is in a state of Insanity she tried to put my head in an Wood Chipper Machines ! Luckily someone grabbed her hand when My tiny 2 / 3 year old head was an inch away from becoming carrot juice, Or the fact that at the age of 2 I was already Cursed - almost possessed and when my father ( Who was supposed to be the good person !!! LOL ) finally found me at the age of 5 a big part of my back was filled with Cigarette Burnt scars . THEN WHY THE FUCK AM I STILL ATTRACTED TO OCCULT? OR SPENDING TIME HERE?

May be needed some human interaction as loneliness was becoming a bit too much and of-course knowledge. Hmmmm, But I think it’s time to leave. Becoming almost addicted to checking for the green and blue spot ! and that’s not a good sign. Anyway those I knew have already left and interacting with unknown guys isn’t that fun now.


Aw babe you will be missed if you do. Do you want me to put a 3 day block on so you CAN’T get in, and see how you feel afterwards?


I rarely come here anymore but I’ll miss you



Sorry Tatt, too big of a pervert to just leave you right now. But will reduce the time I spent here.



Had a crazy week, but still I am here. Now what? Have to leave to meet the NRI siddha. Really, he did break the stereotype. Hmmmmm, man Pat on your back sometimes, U have attained a lot within very short time. And thanks Neel Saraswati for her grace in disguise. And also be grateful for being born in a country like this. Though still a third world, it still holds both knowledge and gateway to things most people out there cannot even imagine, even among the elites. But should have learned hindi beforehand. Will master it within a month.



This invisible fog makes all my thoughts wet
like that evening on that day which was so colorful
it’s time to say bye to my evil god, my lord
can’t go right nor go left, just staring at the tip of the sword

My Breath is falling into the ocean of ’ That ’
Stirring all the sweet emotions and peace like waterfall
can stand below the surface and see the polarity merge and dance
making all cry and crawl while ’ That ’ remains absorbed !



Have to say, this bliss is increasing moment by moment, day by day. And it will keep increasing. It hasn’t even been a whole month yet. I doubt it will reach the state of Utmost ecstasy as it is said holding that state for more that 24 mins will be too much for the body to hold on to and will result in breaking the vessel. Well, a lot of things which was said before has turned out to be wrong, so may be even this one also will !



So rituals where one sheds/transforms one’s physical body and becomes either a ’ Perfect Dakini ’ or a ’ Vidyadhara ’ or an ’ Arch-Demon ’ without going through death and rebirth still exists like Madharvasara, or that Tantric in Varanasi. But becoming an Archangel? like Metatron who was a prophet before? HE was given that state by Yhwh but sure rituals also exists to achieve something like that under the banner/ occult tradition of God.

Hmmmm, Becoming a powerful spirit isn’t bad specially as one get’s access to spiritual knowledge/practices which is reserved only for Gods, but on the downside one has to play the role of that being for A LONG FUCKING TIME, for thousands of years, if not millions. Ahhh, Doesn’t matter if you become a powerful spirit of God, you have to FUCKING WORK !!!. Do does that make existence- the Bureaucratic instead of laisses faire type system???



So even many Vaishnava Gurus are O.K with Vashikaran and occult things like that? Hmmm, may be I do need some De-programming to do. I can easily go into that dark side, it is just the fear of repercussion this is holding me down. Now that I look back Nothing in my life is coincidence, so may be joining a LHP forum wasn’t either. AND IF I AM GOING I AM GOING FULL AGHORA, EVEN LEFT TO THAT, THE PATH OF now extinct KAPALIKA !!!