Journal: My Journey Into Magick (TW rape mentioned briefly)

Infinitesimal Multitudes of Avenues


I don’t even remember what on all the way

I picked up the tigers eye pendulum and felt it correct for angelic stuff, picked up the jasper and felt it correct for demonic stuff

I got into a mediation be state while holding it and like started seeing/imagining if I was telling a cop about okler (note to reader, I was raped at 19 after several events of sexual assault in my life and I have put a lot of work into awareness, healing, etc)

Then I tried to stop but I went back to it bc I knew I needed to for a minute - I felt Michael being the one who organized this also, a brief flash of him as a blond cop at the desk

But I broke down again pretty quick and silently sobbed hard af and called Kali Ma and sobbed and sobbed - I was acknowledging the pain of betrayal that went back to childhood and before

And then It’s fuzzy for a minute

I cried about michael too because i felt like I abandoned him, he had protected me my whole life and I often ignored him.

And then i thought about fear

I identified a couple fears as giant weird tentacle growth things that i cut off, but the worst/biggest one was the fear of myself power success etc, and I asked for michael’s help

I said we need to cut this off so the blood can drip down (les words more thought)

He’s like wtf

I said trust me

And at that moment it was like you know what you’re doing, and I cut the last bit of tissue and the tentacle fell into the abyss

We were at the core of myself it seems
A thick dark violet trunk with bits of green and black
The blood was pink violet
The trunk reminded me of flesh and plant in one and went forever in both directions
The blood dripped onto what i saw as
the bottom right sphere of the tree of the Kabbalah maybe

The blood, my blood, from where the tentacle had be severed from the core, trickled down

And I told it to activate my entry into my shadow self more and the first sphere of the abyss basically, as well as the first of the divine

I saw myself naked with more tattoos than I have now, tattoos of snakes all over, like wrapping around each forearm and thigh and my left abdomen

But it was a brief flash, like me naked with soft gold light and a black background

and then I called the circles/cones of light and dark [the elemental angels and demons, then Satan and Metatron (i has called the demons first in each set of elements)]and the serpents of those colors to encircle me, but they also just kind of showed up like the last two times.

Then I finally started to calm down,

I claimed myself as the magician and high priestess and them combined and reaffirmed my dedication to this

and talk to kali more and more about what I wanted to do

I talked about the spirit Encyclopedia type deal and stuff

I saw myself dancing in my own skirt of skulls

And I called the goddesses. So many I’ve worked with the dark goddesses plus Maeve and Brigid, then also Innana and Ereshkigal,

It’s like they were in a circle around me, or more of an oval

Firelight was all around

And in the center was like a bowl/oval/almond shaped pit thing

And I thanked them all and cried a little more and just reaffirmed my commitment to putting my feminine forward in this lifetime and asking for guidance and power in that area, to continue to be more nurturing of myself and receptive to spirits and creative etc

from the first time I called kali until even now I have seen her and see her, blue and wild but her presence is so loving and with great depth

Just endless compassion and understanding

A fierce protector

I feel exhausted, my hands feet and nose are so cold and it’s hard to type or concentrate

Before I left/it was over I asked Aphrodite about experiences that I hadn’t anticipated asking her about

I always approach her with beauty and romance, and i know romance will overlap probably in ways with spirit because I am so open to a spiritual relationship and feel very strongly that there are male beings with me or waiting, 2-4 of them

But I asked about paths, and the number of deities and secret names

Because maybe I could add sigils or symbols from my or others UPG in the book for people who want to make basic contact

And I asked and I used a few phrases but what we settles on was infinitesimal multitudes of avenues

For god, for each god, for many angels and demons and divinities

She is an incredibly expansive goddess

They are unchanging and yet the expand with us, multiplying and splitting and merging

At some point I accepted the venom of the cobra from Kali-Ma, but I don’t recall

She had blue skin and four arms and dark hair piled high, like dreads

I don’t think i saw her eyes yet I feel they were gold