Journal Entry 3 - As I Sit Here

Ok, I promised this so I may as well write it out. This is going to get deep and I’ll probably have to do multiple entries in this thread so I am declaring this my new journal.

  • The Gate -

Instead of just running in head first I started taking the advice that was given, a lot of us are too stubborn to know our own faults and like to continue down that path as if we’re becoming a God by ignoring everyone. It’s not really that simple I guess.

The question always remains on whether reality if really real or if all of it is just a manipulation / simulation of the mind or some other worldly entities.

So, if we’re getting deep into the entry right away, this time last year I was contemplating suicide and thinking it would be a better gift to the world than more wasted time or thoughts and now I just sit here staring at the walls wondering how I could have ever been that stupid.

My brain was shattered into a million pieces by the things I was shown. Entering into this world of constant misdirection and misguidance even from the elite, you would begin to feel lost or not even know where to begin and I was the exact same as the lost pretending to be awakened. The intention and purpose are the only thing that matters.

  1. Belial Makes Contact

I was sitting in my room listening to music with headphones on staring up at the ceiling, I was as usual just waiting for the acid to kick in, of course I was on my binge of useless thought and all right? Not realizing I was going to get my ass royally kicked that night.

The day was pretty normal I guess, I drew sigils and put them up on the walls contemplating what I would attempt to do that day. None of it really seemed appealing to me and then I just throw a dart at the wall and of course like always… It landed on Belial. It’s a long story how I seemed to just fall into connection with him but things were not different.

So, I took the sigil down and retraced it over and over and over and over… Almost 100 times, just staring into it and focusing on it, the acid slowly taking hold of my mind. [I don’t condone drug use but for me, I was in the darkest place you can even imagine mentally. Nothing mattered, not even food.]

Eventually I began to see the sigil swirling in my vision and realized I may have focused a bit to hard on losing myself to it. My mind felt like it was being thrown all over the inside of my brain.

If only God warned me about this one right? I don’t really hate the ideal of Christianity more or less the fear that comes with it and as always my fear started to take over but instantly I just started smiling and stared at the ceiling like literally nothing in the world mattered but that moment in time.

As the room began to close in on me as per usual, something seemed out of the ordinary compared to the other experiences… There was a man sitting in the chair across the room from me, it wasn’t Belial but someone I knew very well. He reached his hand towards me and as I reached towards his I was flung into an infinite abyss of my own thoughts. There were no visions but I couldn’t escape it…

“Am I good enough?”
“You dont deserve to live.”
“It’s all useless.”

It just went on and on and on and then I just screamed at the top of my lungs…

“STOP!”

Instantly, it all stopped and the room was flooded in a white light. I could no longer figure out where the door was where the light switch was, none of the real world made sense anymore and I saw a black hole where my door used to be.

Normally I would be the person to run in first in this situation but I held myself back and immediately heard, “Aw, why are you scared?” But it wasn’t my voice, and it wasn’t the voice of anyone I knew. So, who am I to turn down a bet?

I ran into the hole.

The immediate reaction was me being flung into a room full of shadows, completely surrounded in pure black, but instead of a black hole where the door was… It was a completely white door. I felt like I was simulating my own insanity.

Repeating a cycle over and over again, I kept running in and out of the door. Eventually it changed though and I began to see the room itself. I was no longer in my room. To be honest, I think I had fallen on the floor and was tripping out of my mind at this point but it was the experience that changes everything right?

On the walls, Belial’s sigil was painted and the chair where the person I had known was appeared another man. I didn’t recognize their energy or them themselves. I just knew that something was different about them.

Immediately after having this realization, I was flung into outer space and saw the Earth, the moon, etc. The Earth began to crack like glass and immediately shattered like a previous ritual I had performed under the influence of mushrooms but this time it exploded all around me and I could hear thoughts that I never heard before.

“Stop running.”
“Stop pretending.”
“You’re better than this.”

My mind was pushing back with the same depressing thoughts…

“Dont listen.”
“You dont matter.”
“Screw you.”

Literally talking to myself like I was trash. This continued for what felt like days, but was probably only under the span of 30 minutes.

I won’t pretend that I know what happened because I honestly still have no idea, and I can’t pretend to be a “God” because I am just “I”. I exist and I learn from that existence. That night was one of the more intense experiences though and of course it got deeper.

I had the thought to reach into my head and rip my brain out of my skull. So I tried it, I literally reached into my skull and ripped my brain out… Some would say this would be a bad trip but I was staring into my own eyes attached to my spinal column.

It wasn’t me, I was just a puppet living in a world under pressure begging to be freed and I got what I had asked for, Belial had freed me. He gave me the sight I desperately begged for. Slowly beginning my descent out of the hell I had created and begged to be a part of forever. I had no purpose and I liked it that way but it was all just my conformity to the world around me.

  1. The Recent Experience With Vapula

I’m starting to think since I’ve gone down this path that the ritual aspect and the aspect of evocation / invocation aren’t the important parts, the important part is the openness to receive the message I guess.

I hadn’t done a ritual in quite some time and got an interest in Vapula out of nowhere, it’s a really long story that I touched on in another post on here but yea… It came literally out of nowhere to an extent.

Asking for information kind of lead me nowhere and I remembered where I first started, I couldn’t find anything on anything. Google didn’t help. Forums didn’t help. Everyone had their own experience but no details on the entity themselves.

So I re-created the night with Belial, except this time with drugs.

Drawing and tracing their sigil over and over and over and over… etc… I began to see it swirling in my vision and began to feel extremely sick. I honestly don’t think I was ready to be that overwhelmed by a single entity as it had never happened before. But they called me first so I must have had some connection to them already.

I immediately fell back and stared at the ceiling. I was now in my bed somehow… even though I was previously in my art room. The ceiling began to drip colors and I felt my eyes getting heavy. I closed them and focused on the feeling of dripping continuing until I felt the liquid flood over me. I felt like I was floating in water.

Patterns began flooding in, all of the work I put in on controlling sounds and frequencies just all made sense. I was standing in a room of nothing but frequencies and sound. Waving my hand I could pull at them and change the way it felt. It was like I was lost in my own bodys vibrational field.

Vapula is an interesting one to encounter… I’ll be honest when it comes to that. I had no idea it was them. There was no overwhelming energy, no overwhelming presence. All I felt was their eyes staring into my soul. It literally felt like they knew everything about me but they weren’t bothered or interested in those aspects. I almost felt like they wanted to know what was deeper.

So I focused on forming the frequencies into a construct, I’m not really sure why but the focus was on making it a door in front of me that I could physically open with my own hands and walk into another world.

I began to form the door and just as I was going to open the door I immediately shot right back into my body. I could hear thoughts that weren’t my own again but it didn’t make sense to me immediately.

“You can’t walk in.”

I really didn’t get it, I felt like a child who had just begun to learn to walk again. I had no idea what I was doing or how I even made contact with them other than that I had followed a ritual that I sort of came up with based on someone elses designs.

I mean it makes sense now but like I had no idea what that meant when I first experienced it.

  1. Grief

Where do I even begin with this one? In order to escape, you have to confront. In order to confront, you have to understand.

After the experience with Vapula, I kept asking for more information, reading everything I could find, I’m still not sure why but I just wanted to know everything about them. Still couldn’t find anything and I just gave up for a while.

Then I was confronted in my dreams by Caacrinolaas. I had never even heard of them outside of the Lesser Key and Compendiums that I read but there wasn’t much information on them as well to begin with.

The confrontation involved me ripping into my own eyes and ripping them out of my head, that way I couldn’t see. Ripping my ears off of my head, that way I couldnt hear and next I broke all of my fingers so I could not feel. This must have been the simulation of grief, of course it wasn’t a reality but just another dream but it felt so real. I couldn’t imagine the pain being worse.

Standing there ripping away at myself, I realized I was tearing away everything I thought I was and re-creating it into something new. The only aspect that remained was my own grief of who I was. I couldn’t escape that. I couldn’t escape my own humanity. Why?

The answer is never simple, I swear… I just had to be patient again.

I wish I could tell you that I learned some divine secrets of the universe but all I learned is that everything I thought I knew and everything that I have learned thus far was just a stepping stone for where I need to go.

However, now there is a constant vibration around objects that I can touch as well as walls. It’s interesting but it’s not like I can actually see them I just know they’re there when I walk by them and can feel them in my senses.

It reminds me of sensory awareness practices however it is now a constant in my life. Everything has it’s own field around it now.

[I’ll continue this when I have more to tell.]

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