one of my favorite quotes: “I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity.” — Edgar Allan Poe
I have decided to start writing this journal because my old reality doesn’t fit anymore. I have no clue if I’m on the edge of madness, or if the edge of madness is on me. Either way I guess I will find out.
The current that I have been working with is the Draconian Current. I’m also working with Qliphoth, chaos magick, and Alchemy.
What brought me to the draconian current? I guess I could say that the current found me. It all started a few years ago.
I fell into a profound state of suppression. Every single day was an identical, numbing routine: wake up, go to work, come home, cook, repeat. Because I was hiding who I truly was and stifling my beliefs, my body and mind began to fight back. I gained weight until I was close to 400 pounds. I developed severe agoraphobia and crippling anxiety.
The breaking point arrived during the COVID pandemic. I just couldn’t fucken take it anymore. I was sitting in my car right after work when a massive, suffocating panic attack hit me. I couldn’t breathe. I managed to drive home, pulled into the driveway, and told my ex through gasps for air that I needed an emergency room.
Lying in that hospital bed, the doctors delivered a painful reality: my heart rate was skyrocketing, X-rays revealed a severe pulmonary embolism, and they didn’t expect me to survive the night.
In that moment of total surrender, my ego, the “front self” I had built to survive the world completely gave up. As I stared at the dark, blank screen of the hospital tv, expecting the end, a face appeared in the glass. It was a dragon. Quiet, still, and steady, it just watched me as I hovered between worlds. The face of the dragon was pretty big, it was black with yellow eyes. That’s all I remember. Was it from the pain medication that they were feeding me? Probably. But to me, something woke me up. At this point, I did not know that I had unconsciously executed a self initiation. Right as the doctors came back from the final tests, right at the same time they were teaching me to inject blood thinners and telling me that I would have to use these injections the rest of my life, they told me the pulmonary embolism vanished. In fact, it was a lung nodule. I was at this time diagnosed with COPD.
I went back home, and had a conversation with my ex. I told her that I’m not happy, this isn’t how I’m supposed to live, and we mutually split up. After a month or so passed, a realization hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized that I could not suppress who I am, force away, or banish. I have to accept who I am. I decided to accept the draconian current at this time, I was making over 30 dollars an hour at my job. Money to me meant nothing. My health was so bad, I could barely walk to the stop sign at the corner of my street. ( I will put a note here that soda, by far, was the hardest thing to give up. I drank mountain dew like it was going out of style. Now I just drink water, and tea) But I did, I first walked half way, then every day it got easier, I ended up going from just only being able to walk to the stop sign, to walking around the block. To walking a mile. I slowly started re-gaining vital health back. I was able to move more. I fought the agoraphobia by going to just stores at night, then as I got comfortable I changed it to the busy times. ( I still get random times of agoraphobia however, they’re not crippling, I’m able to function, and I notice when they’re starting) This was the inner fire waking up. My inner Kundalini was waking up.
Of course, I was skeptical, I wasn’t sure that the draconian current was real, or was for me. However, Something happened though that night at the hospital. I didn’t fight it anymore, I did what my inner voice was guiding me to do. I started researching online as I was working on my weight. I felt that the state I was in was not for me. I ended up dropping more weight, and decided to leave my American job. I then sold all my belongings. My car, my tv, my playstation five, everything. Everything was material, it meant nothing. I booked a flight to Agde France, and boarded my plane with just one carry on and a backpack and thousands of dollars. I had no clue where I was going. I just had to get away and start a new life. At this time, I had no family or support, just me.
Long story short, I relocated and traveled across Europe, deeply studying the Tarot. During these travels, I met my wife from Prague, and we built a stable, grounded marriage together. Then, the Draconian current called to me yet again.
While walking with my wife on a hill in Prague—a place notorious for its dragon legends—I found a curious painted rock. This hill is rumored to hold the dragon’s den, and legend speaks of a dragon egg that will hatch in a thousand years. Perhaps the lore connects back to ancient pagan serpent worship, or even Renaissance-era alchemy. Finding that token felt intentional. Was that stone I found on that hill in Prague the philosopher’s stone? Possibly. I mean it had a dragon painted on it, and was in a rare spot. Either way, it meant something. I still have this stone with me. I kept it. (Picture of this painted rock enclosed)
This time, I chose to answer the call instead of ignoring it. I kept working on my health, eventually dropping my weight below 220 pounds. I began formally studying alchemy right there in Prague while honing my relationship with the Tarot.
There is a reason this first entry is so long. This is the messy, profound process of ego death—and it is the exact path that brought me to where I am in my studies today.
Alchemy can be a painful process, but the pain is necessary for growth, without it, how do we move forward? This entry was important to show what’s going on now. (I’m not sure how I’m going to go about this journal I figured a longer introductory is a great starting point.)
