Journal 1: love trouble

Hello everyone,

This is my first journal here, if anyone is wondering I’ve been on this form for quite awhile now but as a lurker. I saw how maybe journaling could help me straighten my mind and get general advice from anyone. ALSO sorry for the any incoherent timelines or stories because im just going to spew shit out. You guys can just call me Damian or my usernsme, they arnt actually my names but just an allies I dont want me real name out here. Also I should add that Damian isnt my god name, the history behind it was a parasite told me that was my name but I still find the name cool so ill be calling myself it. My parasite infestation is also a story for another time. Anyways just a few things to catch everyone up on my life in a summary, ill probably expand my past in later posts. But I am nobody special or cool, I got no past with the occult. I found E.A Koetting through some satanist instagram account because I was getting HUGE into philosophy. I wanted to find my purpose and wanted to hear all sides. Thats how I got here today, ANYWAYS maaaaannnn im in great DESPERAT NEED OF PUSSY. Im a 19 year old virgin in college who only now gained confidence, I was a loser through jr high to high school, those were my lowest points but Im not tripping I needed those experiences to grow “Amor Fati” - Frederick Nietzsche. I then called tried to call upon Lucifer to help, I should also add I chose Lucifer because I also wanted help with accent and he sounded like a good starter. I’ve been in the occult for 3 years its just 2 of those years were parasite infestations so im still a beginner. I felt him when I meditated but wasn’t getting the results I wanted, I think I was being too stubborn but also during this time my dick been doing the talking for me so I mainly wanted a love spell. I then started wanting to connect to Asmodeus and he would come like IMMEDIATELY, I think I just have better connection with him. Before I wanted the to cast a love spell I got to know Asmodeus better, well he didnt say anything I just felt tremendous energy. I liked our time together I my stupid comedy connects with his humor, I feel him laughing at jokes I make. Finally it got to that time for the spell, honestly I didnt do any normal ritual. I used no tools exept for meditation, my intent, and Asmodeus. I directed it to this one girl I liked in my college class who I never talked to but after this I pushed myself too. I felt incredibly poweful after that spell, but I think I’ve been fumbeling in obsessing over it. But i did start talking to her and I just did it out of no where because nothing matters. Its funny because at first she though I was creepy but then she started to really like me (as a friend :c) but it was the start so I did good. We kept talking and we got increadbly close but during the time she had a boyfriend I didnt realize. But I kind of hated her boyfriend she only loved him because she was just attached to him, he ignored her for a month never listing to her while he kept getting more distant and distant. Shes depressed so she was thinking about getting therapy but her boyfriend apparently doesnt believe in getting help so he threatened to break up with her. Hes just been playing with her and finally broke up with her which is good, but sometimes I ask did I cause this to happen, did I cause her boyfriend to become this way. I felt bad but whats done is done and I didnt care much for morals then. We have been getting closer and I help her a lot with her problems. We started to talk a lot and she gives me signs of interest, but then a month later I showed her to my friends because she has no like real friends and has huge trust issues from past trama and relationships. For context she knows I like her but she wants to take a break from dating and rather make a friend and ask them out herself because shes use to guys coming to her, but they always end up mean so she wants to try to go for someone. Which is respectable I agree with her its healthier. But she started to start thirsting over my friends and would tell me all about it. Which confused me I asked my friends for advice and the ones she likes get me and say they got my back. They tell me to let her go man and I agreed with them but internally I didnt because I knew the spell would work (I think i still obsessed over the spell then i couldnt let go). They started to tell me how she was just leading me on and i talked to her about it. Because she was unintentionally sending me messages that I was just a play thing through her thirsting for my friends over text. She didnt mean to sound like that so I forgave her, but i had to ask for the sake of my happiness, if i really was an option for more than friendship with her and i told her to be honest. She said “no” but the reason she kept leading me on was so I wouldn’t leave her. I was her only closest friend and like only source of happiness. I dont know what happened maybe the spell is working but I cant tell. Shes texting my friends now, and i told her i need a break from her to get over her and she was begging me not to leave, but i showed her that it would only hurt us more if i have these strong feelings for her. Now im here im confused on where i am, like if this was part of Asmodeus plan or i messed up because around the end i started to let go of the spell which was good and i thought i was seeing effects but no, she was leading me on. Honestly i dont know if i want to pursue her anymore but the other side still does. Do i listen to my morals and let her go be find happiness in one of my friends, because maybe if i really did love her i would want her to be happy. Or do I just destroy it from ever happening and taker her back. Or is it healther to completely let her go because there are plenty more girls. Sorry it got a little confusing at the end, i couldnt find a great way to write this better besides just spewing it out. Anyways thx for reading this far, any advice is welcome.