I feel completely disconnected from the world and everything around me. Completely lethargic, I’m tired all the time, I need to make money but I just can’t find the will to do so.
I’m falling behind on bills, I just need help. Guidance. A clear message. I feel communication is getting worse too, or it was all in my head to begin with. I am extremely conflicted and alone and my health is getting worse by the year.
I’ve developed arthritis from sleeping on floors and in cars. Sanity feels like it’s slipping completely. I can’t even find comfort in my vices anymore. Misery when I drink, uncertainty and anxiety on top of coughing up a lung if I try to smoke, and sober I feel like this or worse where my mind races at 1000mph and I just can’t relax for the life of me. All I want to do is just get to the bottom of this. Why do I feel this way? Why am I suffering?
I just want to feel some warmth in this cold existence of mine. Soon my friend will be moving away to Oregon. I will miss him greatly. He’s been a great pillar of support. I’m happy things are well for him, and even though people have told me not to compare my life to others, I can’t help it. I feel so useless and insignificant. Another whole year as passed and with it a tirade of mistakes and fights and burnt bridges. I just can’t be hopeful for 2020.
I think first of all you need to fix your housing situation somehow.
Because you won’t be able to make (more) money if you’re continuing with sleeping in a car or on the floor in the long run.
Do you have family or coworkers or friends you could speak openly to about your situation?
Thank you both for your replies. I don’t speak to many people anymore, I have a couple friends I speak with about this, but they offer little besides “I’m sorry I hope things get better for you” because we’re all in our late 20’s and struggling in our own different ways. Nobody can help.
The friend that’s moving away would offer emotional support, clothes, showers.
An old friend of mine whom I almost never see spot me 100 to pay for a gym membership so I’ve been showering regularly at least. Got work in 2 hours and still feel lethargic. I don’t know what to eat, I’ve been living off of fast food and it’s hurting me mentally and physically, my blood pressure is on the rise.
Thats a perfect solution for now, at least you can clean yourself on a regular basis.
Do you have much contact to your coworkers? Maybe I am nudging on high hopes here, but a workplace environment can be surprisingly supportive if they would know whats going on.
Magickal solutions: what @anon5929257 already said.
Plus: do you remember if there was a special magickal practice/ritual that you did back then that made you feel confident and like you would matter? Maybe repeating this moment will give you some energy and a direction you can put your energy into
Only ritual I’ve done is letter of intent as I am a very lonesome person who never had luck with relationships. I want to work more with Lilith.
As for co-workers, I try not to tell people what’s going on anymore, they start asking all sorts of dumb personal questions and the answers bring up memories I’d rather just forget and let be. If I find someone who resonates with me, I let them know. But I’m more careful and selective now as people are just usually looking for ammunition to use against you in my experience at least.
I wouldn’t want to burden him. He’s going steady with his girl and I think they are going to get engaged, they both work in the same field and are working towards their Masters degrees. I’m happy and proud for them both.
Plus, I’m unsure about leaving California. Once you leave it is very hard to come back with the difference in pay. If I leave California I have to be dead sure about what I’m doing.
It sounds like you’re in chronic survival mode, depressed and probably malnourished. I think those are perfectly natural reactions to a highly stressful situation. You might have thyroid issues from the stress and diet, if you can get seen my a doctor it’s a good idea to check that, and the doc might know of more resources in your area that can help.
Evoke Ant’harratu and daemons that will help you get on your feet. I wouldn’t even think about relationships with women until you’ve got yourself safe and healthy.
I don’t bond with male humans, its hard for me too, even though i do plan to move to chicago in the future, i don’t like the small town life. All my friends are females so we are trying to save money for our apartment. I don’t even own a car. Good that you take a shower in the gym, you won’t look homeless and you’re clean, this world is a shithole nobody should be going to something you are, beginning of 2019 all i thought about was suicide because nothing was working out for me. Until August when i was offered a job and i took it and i made more money than the place i use to work. You need to rise up from the ashes, feel the power inside of you and realease it, embrace a new beginning.