So, this might seem crazy but I have two personalities in me. One is the embodiment of evil and dont quite give a shit. The other is the fucking embodiment of God and those it care for this. I had a third that balance everything but God know where it is after 5 years. So, I try mediating but I have battles in my head when I try evoking King Paimon(been trying for a month but still nothing). I dont know if it doesn’t work because my 2nd personality hates what I’m doing and keeps telling me im going to hell, bla bla bla. Honestly, being born and raised in a Christian home did something on me. My mental state is not stable at all. Is there a way to just block them or create balance cause I’m getting tired about it.
Well, you clearly need to pick a side… or find a perfect balance that doesn’t make you feel guilty. Yes, you have a battle in your mind thanks to years of christian influence, but only you can solve this.
This is probably not for you, since you don’t seem to be ready and your mental state in not stable enough, but you never know. It might help somehow. You can renounce god by doing rites of blasphemy like this:
I agree with @Xendrath To an extent, The battle that goes on inside you I think most here can relate to at some point in their life. I think you’re at the perfect position to take a stand and become what you truly want to become and not what others define as.
There is nothing about the left-hand Path that says you have to kill, curse Or inflict pain on others for no reason just because you can. You to me sound relatively normal LOL.
Everyone is able to share their experiences and knowledge with you on how they dealt with this problem, but in reality this is your decision to make, you have to live with it and the consequences that come along with it.
There’s a really awesome video by Timothy that really helps clarify the left-hand Path for me. It’s a free publication on the BALG website. I will try to find the YouTube video, as it’s easier access.
OK. The cognitive dissonance is caused by artificial “absolutes” implanted as you grew up; your instincts go one way and this stuff goes in the opposite direction, blaming, shaming and condemning. Been there.
The only way to create that balance is to lose the baggage, as in realising what was blatantly false in what you were taught, let go of it and feel free to go in any direction of your choice.
It is not a black and white thing, you don’t have to chose between one path and the other, as in transform radically from everyhting you assert about yourself. You were likely taught that if you abandon Christian principles you will lose your morality and “slide” to the “dark side” to be absorbed by it. That’s where the fear, revulsion, blame, shame etc comes from.
Things are far more…neutral. You are free to explore. Free yourself of extremes and certainties, and moral absolutes.
It’s useful to read Jung as well.
Thank u all for ur advice. U know, I wasnt this damaged before. 5 years ago I didnt really give a fuck about christianity. Heck, I kinda laughed along with my friends when they played Passion Of Christ. And not only that, I prayed to Lucifer and the most funny thing of all is that I dreamed of marrying him:joy:. But now, I dont know where went wrong. Well, I kinda do. I mixed with the wrong crowd and I had a lot of pressure on me that I finally broke. Now any small thing, my 2nd personality will immediately voice that I’m going to hell. That I’ll burn bla bla bla. Before I didnt give a fuck but damn I think the brainwashing got serious. I’ll try what u guys said. Honestly, I just want to be free from this cage. But 1 problem, if i do want to do a ritual, i wont be able to find the necessary things. As a child I was never allowed to go and and since then im kind of a shut in type of person. I’ll see what I can do. Thanks guys
In the case of a ritual, especially one like this, it is more symbolic than needing to have ingredients. If this is seriously something that you want to do then touch base with me and maybe we can come up with something together that suits your needs better.
If this is something that you’re serious about doing then you have my commitment that I’ll be there for you
All living beings have three basic ways of facing a threat or aggression: fighting, fleeing or becoming immobile or paralyzed, and these three ways of reacting to hazards give rise to 3 coping styles: The over-compensatory style that corresponds to the fight, the avoidance style that corresponds to the escape and the surrender style that corresponds to the paralysis.
It is a fact that within us two opposing forces coexist. It is not something abnormal or pathological / sick in the pattern of behavior of the human being. On the one hand, there is the I, with its basic and elementary needs. On the other, he the super-me, with that strict society that delimits our desires, aspirations, dreams … the I, as always needs something, always feels missing some unfulfilled dimension … It is restless, anxious, does not understand past or future, its Hunger always extends in the present moment. The super-me, meanwhile, is a complex entity that always forces us to postpone things. Relegate our dreams, limit freedoms, control our behavior … It is that social and cultural entity that shapes us and acts as a repressive force of the I.
The I stays in the middle of all this. You cannot always reconcile needs with obligations, dreams and desires with the mold that delimits society. Something like that makes us often fail to develop a strong Self; What’s more, sometimes we even feel fragmented and lost. Psychoanalysis as a medical science teaches that there are a number of factors that determine the fact that we have not been able to develop a strong Self. They are the following causes:
An excessive dependence on our parents. The psychoanalysis explains that children take longer and longer to mature, to acquire skills in independence, resolution, initiative …
Having suffered a childhood and adolescence marked by norms, punishments and strict education.
To have grown up without affectionate and close figures capable of favoring a safe and optimal development.
The indication to this situation is:
To form a strong self, we don’t have to fight against our ego or the super-me. It is about achieving a proper balance between these forces: a harmony between needs and obligations.
In order to reconcile these energies, repressed dimensions must be brought to light, both of the I and of the super-me In this work, hidden needs, drives, unfulfilled anxieties must emerge. Our childhood fears, lived traumas, memories that we have not processed should also be visible …
We must work the need to work our independence. Once all these dimensions have gone abroad we are obliged to live with them in a mature way. It is possible that during a part of our life (according to this approach) we have lived subject to the idea that we were never loved as we deserved. It is an unsatisfied craving that haunts us wherever we go.
One way to create a strong self is to free ourselves from that need, because every need creates submission, alignment and disease and for what we militate on this spiritual path this principle of psychoanalysis is law.
Strengthening the self is a task in which to work daily for practically all our life. Let’s not abandon this healthy exercise. I ask you now what do you think of the observation of the words that you issued at the end of your sentence?
Understanding yourself you will see that the help of a ritual or procedure in this environment will be more viable!
Thank u hun. I’ll love that. Honestly I’m kinda tired of it all so yeah, ur help is appreciated. But there lies a problem. My mom is a full Pentecostal church goer and I’m forced to tag along. Night vigil, Sunday services, u name it. I have no say in the matter and I dont have a place of my own, seeing as in my country they dont take the youths kindly. As the only girl child, well, I’m practically a prisoner. So if I do this and I’m forced to go to… church, will there be a problem?
I would not have a problem with it but that’s Just me. I did not grow up with any kind of Christianity present in my life whatsoever. I think maybe a ritual like this is something that should be on the back burner for you.
I just woke up to your post and your situation reminds me of the yoruba religion Where they kind of superimposed their African deities on the Catholic saints so they could Continue to worship.
What’s your practice typically like? Do you light candles at home? I don’t know very much about the Pentecostal religion.
We dont light candles. Goggle Mountain of Fire and Deeper Life Bible Church. You will get a history of them. PS, the latter church is corrupt AF. I was born in it and raise in it. My mom left 2015 to the former church because they (DL) contributed to her marriage being destroyed. Honestly, the new now she’s going to is worse when it comes to prayer.
Pentecostal churches r all about prayer and service. They also drain ur pockets too with “tithes”. From my view, it doesn’t work. And they r all about testimonies. Honestly, the sooner I leave the better.
I will google what you sent me. Thank you, I never really feel comfortable giving advice at least until I have a comprehensive idea of your situation.
Well I’m one page in and nowhere in the mission or vision statement does it work towards making you a better human, member of society, helping society as a whole or building a community. I love that you can send them money in a million different ways too!
Wow, worldwide too :). How close are you to being your own independent person, by that I mean self supporting yourself away from home.
I’ve saved a million naira(2,773.93USD) but with the parents I have, it wont be possible for me to rent an apartment for myself as of now. Until I finish my education, I’ll be staying with them. Well, with the shit that went down it will be a long while. I was supposed to go to Canada for school but I was denied Visa. I had lots of things planned but they were all shattered:tired_face:. I dont really know anymore. But I have to do something about it.
There just are so many intricate workings to your dilemma. Is overseas schooling something you can apply for again or was it a one time deal.
I can apply again next year and hopefully by September, I’ll be going to school. And yep, I come with full package of troubles:joy:.
I believe the best for you is to not rock your boat so harshly right now. I want you to keep meditating and just allow what comes to flow, don’t fight either side just listen for now. Take in all they have to say and after each session take some time to properly digest the conversations.
I do not believe that you are either of the sides completely, we all have those battles going on at some point in our life so your completely normal.
Keep studying, very important. Let’s find a place for you to start small, simple and no tools to build you up over the next year. @DarkestKnight is like the Akashic records incarnate LOL so I hope he will recommend a couple of good books for you to start with.
Thanks for the advice. Now that I’ve talked about this to someone who understands, I think a little weight have been lifted up on me. And also meditation iant much of my area but I’ll just keep trying harder. Maybe writing some few chapters of my book will cool me down a little bit. U never know. Anyways, thanks again
If you ever need to just talk you can always pm me.