I only see darkness. I don’t feel hope like other people do. I don’t see a GOOD end in sight, no matter what I do.
I know it has nothing to do with magic, it’s most likely depression.
I’m just wondering if anyone else is like this.
I would like to believe that everyone goes through those types of emotions at some point in their lives. That can be caused from mental, physical, or spiritual illness, etc…what matters is what you manifest out of that energy…
Its depression, a drastic change is needed in your life move on with the current life you are in regardless of the people you care to much about to leave behind.
Of course other people feel like this at times. Any emotion you’ve felt, you can bet that 99% of the population has as well. We’re not all that different. Some people are just better at getting on with it and not letting things get the better of them than others.
From the sound of nearly all your posts, you need to seek professional help. I’m not being glib because I too suffer from depression so I understand your plight but nearly all your posts have this tone. Posting morose shit here every couple of weeks isn’t doing you any favors. Playing the eternal victim card on a site like this is rather counterproductive and totally playing to the wrong audience anyway. I do get the whole wallowing bit because Lord knows I’ve done it for far too many years but at some point you have to decide if you want to take the easy way out and let the darkness consume you or if you want to consume it, learn from it and take control of your life. If you can’t afford professional treatment, get a real life friend to talk to.
[quote=“Judge Dredd, post:1, topic:3297”]I only see darkness. I don’t feel hope like other people do. I don’t see a GOOD end in sight, no matter what I do.
I know it has nothing to do with magic, it’s most likely depression.
I’m just wondering if anyone else is like this.[/quote]
I feel this way at times but I know it’s just an illusion that I create. We see what we want to see and if we’re feeling or thinking darkly then that’s what we’ll see.
Any emotion you feel over another is a choice.
You choose to feel this way.
A choice. Sort of. But, when a depressed person has trapped themself in a worldview/paradigm of pain, fear, and sorrow, it can be excruciatingly difficult to simply let a negative emotion exist and pass away. Often, the emotion becomes wrapped in past agony and fear of the future to the point of near total immersion in a heavy despondency. Its very difficult to find the way out.
It takes a major shift in consciousness to see the world differently; to even be able to experience gratitude and elation. This is why I like a mentor who ruthlessly shreds my illusions and perceptions. Having both a Cancer moon and ascendent with some other challenging natal aspects, I tend to wallow if I’m careless and forget to analyze whether xxx is really worth suffering for every time I allow my widdle feewings to get hurt.
The only time in my life that I’ve felt that level of hopelessness was recently for about seven weeks (just starting to come out of it now) and it’s been absolutely horrible. I really just wanted to die, and I’ve never felt like that before so it was really scary as I’m usually a very positive person and it never takes me long to get back on my feet again normally.
How long have you felt this way? Don’t forget that depression and anxiety often has a physical cause such as under active thyroid, raised or low cortisol levels etc. Your brain needs proper nutrition to function properly and being malnourished or having something like undiagnosed celiac disease will cause a constant black cloud.
Also, mine came on from putting up with peoples’ shit for too long and it caused me to make some serious emotional changes and I realised that I’d been letting people walk all over me, and I’d been too forgiving and let them stay in my life when I should have cut them out immediately and it’s been one of my biggest life lessons thus far. Years of on and off mistreatment just caused my mental and physical health to crash. I thought I was invincible but I was wrong and finally it took a toll.
Sometimes wounds, abuse and pain become so familiar that we think it’s normal, and then one day we get a massive wake up call in the form of a breakdown, or going postal or some other extreme and catastrophic reaction.
[quote=“hJo, post:7, topic:3297”]A choice. Sort of. But, when a depressed person has trapped themself in a worldview/paradigm of pain, fear, and sorrow, it can be excruciatingly difficult to simply let a negative emotion exist and pass away. Often, the emotion becomes wrapped in past agony and fear of the future to the point of near total immersion in a heavy despondency. Its very difficult to find the way out.
It takes a major shift in consciousness to see the world differently; to even be able to experience gratitude and elation. This is why I like a mentor who ruthlessly shreds my illusions and perceptions. Having both a Cancer moon and ascendent with some other challenging natal aspects, I tend to wallow if I’m careless and forget to analyze whether xxx is really worth suffering for every time I allow my widdle feewings to get hurt.[/quote]
I have sorted through depression pretty much my entire life, so I know what it’s like as well to basically feel trapped in a negative worldview =/
I only see darkness. I don’t feel hope like other people do. I don’t see a GOOD end in sight, no matter what I do.
I know it has nothing to do with magic, it’s most likely depression.
I’m just wondering if anyone else is like this.
OK let me just say I have been through long bouts of this type of thing, Good sleep, Good Diet helps and now I have the attitude of FUCK the system, Magick is real, it works it has to work it must work, I will create my own reality my own path and not be controlled by other peoples thoughts emotions or even my own present circumstances I’m going full on into evocation
[quote=“asuly, post:10, topic:3297”]I know it has nothing to do with magic, it’s most likely depression.
I’m just wondering if anyone else is like this.[/quote]
I used to be, I spent my whole life like that, hurting all through my childhood and not understanding why other kids were excited for life, to grow up, to be more active in the world. All I wanted was to die, to cease to exist in a noisy dumb world I found intolerably lame and crass.
I found the first doorway quite young when I started interacting with spirits, but the earthly world still seemed like a pile of depressing mud most of the time, and my pessimism caused me a lot of bad outcomes in things like love, meant I never entered higher education since planning that far ahead seemed ridiculous, although to be fair my refusal to engage with conventional things meant I’ve had an interesting life, at least.
Eventually I discovered that the only aim in life that inspired me fully and completely was to command the powers of a goddess in my lifetime - embodied, in the here and now - which may indeed be an artefact of mental health imbalances in its own right, but it’s one that makes me functional and happier than I’ve ever been, so sod it! 
Also, my careful examination and shedding of all received wisdom from religions, both eastern and western, because I was exposed to both growing up (with concepts like karma, reincarnation, and the desirability of Union back to the Source being as prevalent in secular England when I grew up as anything the Xian churches have to offer), that when boiled down teach that there’s something fundamentally WRONG with this reality, with humans, with being human, and so on.
I did a lot of work, journalling into notebooks and on my laptop, clearing that crap out and replacing those beliefs with new empowering ones that more closely matched my experiences (including that we’re MEANT to walk with spirits, it’s not “gods up there, human snivelling down here”) and towards the end of this, the book “Lords Of The Left-Hand Path” by Stephen Flowers helped me bring my ideas into focus.
That and ruthlessly eliminating all sources of the grain-protein gluten from my diet, basically saw off lifelong clinical depression and completely changed my life.
So, yeah, I’m a bit evangelical (no pun intended) about them. 
Do try looking at your diet and seeing whether staple foods like gluten, dairy, egg or whatever might be causing problems, and continue with your research into philosophies and the spiritual underpinnings of our perceived everyday reality - it might be as helpful to you as to me, which would be wonderful, and even if it’s not the same, it’ll help you rule out some common low-level constant energy drains.
[quote=“Judge Dredd, post:1, topic:3297”]I only see darkness. I don’t feel hope like other people do. I don’t see a GOOD end in sight, no matter what I do.
I know it has nothing to do with magic, it’s most likely depression.
I’m just wondering if anyone else is like this.[/quote]
Theres some cases called “the Automatic Taghirion” ( wich is the Black Tiphareth of the Qlipphot tree )
lighting a charcoal
burning camphor powder and saffron
and do the Middle Pillar Banishing using mantram
Urano for the Head ( Uranoooooo )
Pluto for the throath ( Plutoooo )
Sol for the chest ( Sooool )
Lunar for the Genitals ( Lunarrrrrrrrr )
Terra for the feets ( Terraaaaa )
Start from east counterclockwise to south coming back to east
Instead of doing the pentagram do the Hexagram ( David Star ) each time
u finish to mantra on each cardinal point… to banish EVERYTHING ( good and evil )
Later when finish proclaim with authority
ABERAJJJE DAH BAHR… THAT MY EYES ONLY SEE MALKUTH…
IT IS DONE…
If the depression persists will not be for spirit causes, more a mental thing…
I’ve been to the area for 3 years.Seems like the ego dies slowly and resists with all his powers.And when you hit bottom,when you have nothing more to loose or to fight for,’‘The only way is up’’.It’s a very hard lesson to learn,but after that,little can touch you and bring you down easily.You arise from your ashes with a new version of your self which is close to who you truly are.
Totally true, and in some way is disgusting due to the older automatism of the personality. Its like a silent pain…
Hope is for Losers.
I totally hear you JD. I have always felt wrong. An outsider. Sad. Good things seem to happen so effortlessly to other folk & I have found those things that measure personal success to the rest of the world have been impossible to achieve. As an added shit sandwich, I was in my formative years in the '90’s when grunge & a shitty attitude were glorified ( well & good for non depressive posers ) And now after a 10 year stint on antidepressants I have given them a miss also - finding that ultimately they did’nt make me feel more positive about myself, or give me a better outlook on life. What they did instead was made me behave differently - like a muzzle or a leash. Screw that. That is just denying yourself, your true nature & your power, while reinforcing that indeed you are ‘wrong’. What I have found to work best is simple but difficult - Firstly don’t compare yourself to the mundanes around you - as magical creatures we are different & trial & struggle is where we forge our power. When your life is a bowl of cherries there is little inspiration for growth into new fronts. Secondly suck what you can from the simple joys of your life - my cats are a constant source of love & laughs. Thirdly & def the most difficult, is to stop the negative self talk - that saboteur is a liar. When that voice starts up shut it down asap & give it the same notice you would if it were someone in the physical plane -with an eff you!!